to think it's wrong to control portions/eating of a 3yo girl?

[petitfromage]

A lovely friend of mine has a dd same age as my ds, they are great friends and have tea together every week. Her dd is ever so slightly chunky (not overweight IMHO but just a bit more 'solid' than others) and as a consequence her mother is consciously reducing the amount she eats. When they are having tea together (often with other friends there too) her mum is always reducing her portion size, asking for the ice cream to be taken off or slipping half her pasta off her bowl and onto others plates. I'm just starting to feel like she might be forcing her 3yo dd to start worrying about her weight/looks when it's the last thing she should be thinking about. She is a good eater - miles better than my ds but I think these things will even themselves out over time.
Should I bring it up with my friend or let it go? Personally I'd be more inclined to up her running around/swimming etc and try to avoid fatty snacks before I'd change her eating habits but with a fussy eater at home I've no idea how I'd really react if it was my son. One of my other friends did notice it though and brought up the issue hence my post here..... thoughts please???

"A chunky child doesn't need piles of pasta and ice cream. Some of the serving sizes even of child portion meals in restaurants and play places etc are outrageously large. Portion size does matter, as much as being active and the kinds of foods. In fact, if you reduce portion size of meals, it sometimes "affords" a treat in between which can make the child feel less deprived and is psychologically not a bad thing.

I'm sure she knows what she is doing, Unless the child is looking painfully thin or sick I think you can assume she is getting enough."

I agree. If mum is controlling portion size now and she is only chunky, think how big she would be if she ate as much as she wanted. All the overweight people I know eat far more than I do, and I don't exactly nibble at a lettuce leaf at mealtimes.

Not all kids like to run around and burn off their energy whenever possible. The Mum is doing exactly the right thing. She knows her daugher, her appetite and she's mindful that what she's doing NOW impacts her daughter's eating habits, now and in the future.

To be honest, I'm surprised that any Mum wouldn't look at portion control - particularly of the higher starch/fat/sugar type foods - if a child is even starting to hover around a weight gain, however slight.

Obesity can be a lifelong affliction... and it really is a life-limiting affliction too.

I think you were expecting YANBU but if I were you, I'd keep out of it and let this Mum get on with caring for her daughter because she knows what she's doing.

If a child of that age looks 'slightly chunky' to you, there's a good chance she is actually overweight. An overweight child may not look obviously 'fat' in the way overweight adults do. The mum may well be acting on medical advice.

As long as she's not starving her, I would stay out of it. If the child is prone to overeating/becoming overweight, the mum wouldn't be doing her any favours by letting her just eat as much as she can. Maybe she could be a bit more sensitive about the way she does it, but it's better than not doing it at all.

It just seems to be really unfair and she (the mum) does it pretty openly in front of the other kids. It is pretty darn obvious to everyone there what is going on - age 3 or 33....
I just feel she (the DD) is starting to act differently around food and she is only 3!

She should do it privately so that her dd and the other kids don't notice and get her dd more active.

Well it's not great if the child is being made aware of it but I disagree totally that it is unfair that her mother isn't allowing her to overeat.

Laughing a lot at SarkyLady's son's comment! A classic - sounds just like something my son would say.

I have a friend in a very similar situation with her daughter which has made me think about it a lot. I think that as long as the portion control is discreet and comes along with conversations about healthy eating etc and treats as still allowed (as treats) then I think it is a sensible and loving thing to do as a parent.

I think it would be better if the mum spoke to whoever was serving beforehand and asked that her daughter be given a fairly small portion, rather than taking food from her plate. But then unless you are very close friends with the mum then you can't really do anything about it. Hopefully the child will soon be back to a healthy weight before she has a chance to start feeling self-concious or getting any food issues. If she comes to your house could you try and give everyone a smallish portion and say they can have seconds if they want it?

It must be a bit upsetting for a little girl to see her mum taking away her food and giving it to other people, even if she doesn't understand about it being her weight etc. When I was about the same age I used to get really upset when my mum gave away my sister's babywipes to other children because I thought it meant she didn't love my sister

yabu. I control my children's portions as I am an adult and I understand the nutritional content of food better than they do. Given a choice, they'd both eat half a box of cereal for breakfast every day and DS1 could easily get through 400ml juice of a morning if he was allowed. Good for the mother not allowing her child to overeat.

I don't disagree it should be done discreetly but perhaps you could support her by checking the portion size with her before the plates go out?

Do all the other children clear their plates? If not no harm in reducing everyones portion size. Also try to remember it is onlyone meal out of her dd's week.

Agree with whoever it was who said this mum can't win.

However, I do remember eating SIX portions of jam roly poly at lunch once (at school... the dinnerladies just laughed!) when I was 5 and apparently I used to eat two weetabix for breakfast AND I remember being ever so proud of fitting NINE roast potatoes in my tummy at Sunday lunch once.

I was shaped like a barrel when I was 3 - I wasn't fat, just 2 feet tall and built like Geoff Capes. Then I got to 6 and s -tretc-he--d overnight, I'm pretty sure I just ate how I did before (fruit, veg, biccies, cheese on toast, lasagne etc etc)

I'm a bit tubby now though, but that's because I can't be arsed to run round the garden and dig stuff up any more

I have a 3 year old dd (and a 7 year old). Both of my girls, in particular dd1, would overeat given half the chance. We all exercise a lot, dh and I are fairly slim.
I do control portion sizes, but I don't make a big deal of it. The children don't realise I do it. They understand that veg etc is healthy, but we don't have good and bad foods iykwim. We talk about (for example) sugar being bad for teeth which is officially why I limit that. I do allow treats like icecream on days out, the occasional portion of chips (shared) at the weekend. If I didn't control portions sizes AND let them have the other stuff, they would both be overweight.
I am glad that they have healthy appetites and enjoy their food.
Imo it is essential that they learn to eat a healthy amount of healthy food and don't get used to overeating as a routine way of life.
Some people will judge/pass comment about me; often those with "picky" children. I have a policy of never commenting about their children's diet.

YABU
dd1 is an identical build to whatevertheweathers - ie "solid", and is this way even with limited portions.
it is in vogue at the moment to insist that all children regulate their own appetites if allowed free access to healthy foods. IME this is not correct, and some, like dd1, simply would not stop eating. by limiting portions i am also able to ensure that dd1 can enjoy the odd treat like all dc should be able to, without this adversely affecting her health.

I was assuming that the food was removed from her bowl before it was served but I could be wrong.
OP you have said that your son doesn't eat well so obviously you wouldn't want to restrict his portions as you are keen for him to eat more. Your friend is in a different situation. Would it be fair to her daughter if she allowed her to consistently eat more than she needs and become more overweight and possibly ill?

I confess I struggled at our joint teatime tonight - my DS refused dinner at first (tuna pasta bake, he loves it, just being a little so and so), so i had to literally beg him to have a mouthful as we had been swimming and to activity class so he must be starving. With coercion he ate most of his plate. Sat next to him was friend's girl who ate her plate in minutes and wanted seconds (her first portion was only a half after mum's request).
Think we are both at different ends of a pretty tough spectrum. We both talk about our worries re food, diet etc and I do understand it is very important she controls her eating to save her from a life of obesity but she seems so young and tbh not really overweight at all, just a good eater. Don't know, I'm just a bit uncomfortable about the whole 'telling a 3yo that she is overreating'. I think it will naturally level out overtime as other posters have said.

YANBU to be concerned, but I think you have to trust the mother to know what's best for her child.
I often take food off of my dd's plate, if she's given too much she gets a bit overwhelmed and doesn't eat it!
She's nearly 4 though, but I don't restrict her food at all otherwise. AFAIK they need it to grow and give them energy. She was a 'solid' baby/toddler, as was I, she's growing out of it now as I did. I think within reason they can eat as much or as little as they want of healthy food until they are 4-5 yrs.

Totally agree SARF 'I think within reason they can eat as much or as little as they want of healthy food until they are 4-5 yrs.', you put it better than I could.

She is doing the right thing by addressing this now. Portion size is key.

I don't agree that things even themselves out overtime. DD (7) s a good eater, DS1 (5) is not. I have to beg DS1 to eat, DD always clears her plate and asks for more. With DD I have to be very careful about portion control, with DS1 its not something I need to think about.

Ice cream is a treat, a slightly chunky child should be having fruit/yoghurt as dessert.

I was just about to say that to you petitfromage.
Some children like mine and your friend's, love most foods, eat really well and are prone to overeating. Ime parents like you, who have children who are the opposite, really struggle to understand this.
My own dcs won't "level out" over time. They would overeat and I truly don't think that at a certain age they would magically reduce their portion sizes.
I also think that if you have opposite food/child issues to your friend's, perhaps don't talk with each other so much about that subject?
I have a lovely close friend and her ds is massively fussy. I watch him eat 3 or 4 biscuits at toddler group and then she is surprised he doesn't eat lunch. But I keep my mouth shut, she obviously does what she feels is best. I don't understand, so I don't comment. Meanwhile my own dd is given one biscuit and then I take some fruit as an extra snack.

Does your friend actually tell her dd that she is overeating? That bit is wrong imo if she does.

Totally agree Charlotte. My HV told me not long after dd was weaned that I should keep feeding her until she stopped eating. At one meal she ate a large portion of cottage pie followed by SIX large pieces of fruit (she likes fruit). This was when I decided she would have 1 piece of fruit for pudding. I never let dd go hungry but I serve child sized portions and if she's still hungry she can snack on rice cakes/chopped carrot or something which she will do IF she's hungry and not just for the hell of it. If she goes to a party/friends for tea I let her eat what she wants though because we don't do those things often. If she was at a friends for tea a few times a week though I would discreetly make sure she wasn't stuffing herself as she is on the big side and already very active.

To be honest though petitfromage some people would feel 'uncomfortable' with seeing you coerce your ds into eating. That could be seen as giving him 'issues' with food.

It's just bloody hard and there is so much talk of weight,bmi, food, obesity that it's no wonder parents feel paranoid. I think we can safely assume everyone whether they have good/bad/picky eaters are just trying to do what they feel is best.

A recent Jo Frost on TV (extreme parenting whatever) demonstrated how much larger some child portions are in some families than in others and how children given a larger portion will eat what they are given and not leave food. Over time these children will consume significantly more calories and eventually become overweight. Overweight children tend to become overweight adults. Overweight adults have more health problems and self esteem problems - fact.

YABU to object to the childs food intake being restricted to a healthy portion. YANBU to object to the way the mother is drawing her child and others attention to her actions.

Lord knows why the mum is drawing everyones attention to her actions, it could be done discretely

But surely my ds will suffer more if I don't encourage him to eat? He is very active and sees food as a bit of a necessary evil.

Totally agree it is a minefield and like many others I guess I'd swap issues with others as I'm fed up with having to 'beg' a child to eat.

I was actually thinking myself that it seems that the OP is OK with her child eating the junk because it's getting some calories into him but even if he isn't overweight it's not necessarily doing him any good. I would also never cajole a child into eating. A child who is hungry and has food in front of them that they like will eat.