Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD says she is a lesbian - I think she is lying

61 replies

whatever17 · 25/05/2011 04:16

DSD - (DD) - came to live with me when she was 12 - she is now 24.

She has never had any luck at all with men. She is really, really needy and she puts them off, possibly. However, I have heard her for years and years saying "Phwaor, Tom Cruise is fit" (or substitute). She now says she is a lesbian and has brought home a girl. Fine, if she was.

I think she is mixed up. Her mum was very indiscriminate and brought home all sorts and liked men and women and everyone.

I just think she is reacting to stuff.

If she is a lezza, fab, but I think she is just sad.

OP posts:
Goodynuff · 25/05/2011 04:18

why does it matter Confused?

Original poster
whatever17 · 25/05/2011 04:21

It doesn't matter at all - as long as she is being true to herself and I really think she is not.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatever17 · 25/05/2011 04:23

Why would she spend the last 12 years saying "Tom Cruise (et al) is fit"?

OP posts:
flimflammery · 25/05/2011 04:34

You might be right (or not) but it's up to her to work it out for herself, not much point you trying to get involved. Except if you think she's needy, try to boost her self-esteem and encourage her to enjoy life without a partner (of whichever sex).

Original poster
whatever17 · 25/05/2011 04:38

flim - she has never been able to secure a relationship with either sex. She has had a few bits and pieces with men who have more or less used her. So, if she is happy, fair play.

My fear is that she is trying to be her mum who is bi - to make her mum sit up and take notice.

OP posts:
iscream · 25/05/2011 05:22

Well, she may be an attention seeker, or she may like females. And just because someone is bi or gay, it doesn't prevent them from admiring the opposite sex. Time will tell, just be supportive and hope she finds someone she can be happy with.

Bogeyface · 25/05/2011 05:50

I dont see, based on what you have posted here, that you have any evidence to suggest she is lying. OK so you might think that this is a phase or attention seeking but really, what proof do you have of that? You obviously have issues with her mothers behaviour (understandable if it has affected your DSD over the years) but you cant use that to tar the DSD with the same brush.

Some people know from an early age that they are gay or bi, others take years and years to work it out. An old school friend of mine left her husband 2 years ago after 16 years of marriage and 4 children to be with her GF! Perhaps her mums behaviour actually caused her to try and ignore that part of her sexuality for a long time, hence the crappy relationships with men, rather than embrace it. If it turns out that she is attempting to emulate her mum rather than being genuinely bi or gay then I am sure that it will come out soon enough, but in the meantime I think you just need to take her word for it and accept it. You risk damaging your own relationship otherwise and she really seems like she needs you to be there for her if her own mother cant or wont.

FFLAG are very supportive of both the child and the parents in your situation and may well be able to help you understand a bit better what is going on from her POV. :)

Bogeyface · 25/05/2011 05:53

Sorry, I should add my credentials and say that I am the step mother of a gay man and found FFLAG to be very helpful.

WeirdAcronymNotKnown · 25/05/2011 05:58

I really doubt she is overtly lying - perhaps it's just a 'phase' or perhaps she really is lesbian/bi.

She must find it quite tough with her mum not seeming to care - is she quite distant?

Anyway, just support her and don't judge, and certainly don't let on that you don't believe her. She will figure out what she wants in her own time :)

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/05/2011 06:04

Jesus, she's 24, leave the woman alone. If she wants to get her mum's attention, that's her decision. That said, it's not at all unlikely that she's spent years 'trying out' heterosexuality because it's the socially acceptable option, only to finally have the courage to come out in her mid-twenties.

Why on earth would you talk about a grown woman's orientation on a website?

Leverkusen · 25/05/2011 06:15

I find it really weird that you're discussing an adult's sexual orientation. She is 24...

and also, it doesn't matter that she has never had any luck with men, she is 24! If she were straight, does it matter that she never had a long term boyfriend?

Nothing that you have posted suggests that she is lying. Actually some people take a long time to realise their sexuality. Why don't you just leave her be.

olibeansmummy · 25/05/2011 06:18

I'd just be supportive and she'll figure it out for herself, after all she's a grown woman!

seeker · 25/05/2011 06:21

A suggestion.

Don't use the word "lezza".

BeamMysterious · 25/05/2011 06:24

I find it a bit creepy, to be honest. This is a 24 year old woman, not a child, and her sexuality and relationships are her own business. How horrified would she be if she knew you were discussing her on an open forum? Whether she's gay/straight/bisexual, it's nothing to do with you. She's an adult.

saffy85 · 25/05/2011 06:34

She's 24. Even if she is "being a lezza" to make her mum take notice of her, who fucking cares?! Does it really affect you at all? Hmm Let her get on with it, hell, if she's that bad at holding a relationship down in the past, maybe that's why she's trying out girls now? Who knows? She wouldn't be the first.

beesimo · 25/05/2011 06:39

Everyones life is a great big jigsaw puzzle they have to put together themselves and you can't force the bits together to make a picture that is not there. Let the lass find her own picture.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/05/2011 06:46

I love your posts, beesimo

GooGooMuck · 25/05/2011 07:12

As far as attention seeking ruses go, I can't see the harm in dating a girl!

OP why is this an issue for you?

Also, saying Tom Cruise is fit would lead me to believe that this is a girl who has no idea what it is that makes a man attractive sexually Grin so she may have been trying to hide her sexuality, and saying that stuff to fit in with your expectations.

WeirdAcronymNotKnown · 25/05/2011 07:27

Beesimo that's a really lovely way of describing it :)

Ephiny · 25/05/2011 07:30

I agree with others - stay out of it and let her work things out for herself, she's old enough to make her own decisions about who she dates/sleeps with. As long as she's not doing anything really stupid/dangerous, I don't think it's really any of your business.

BeamMysterious · 25/05/2011 07:43

Hahaha, love the comment from GooGooMuck, bearing in mind the internet gossip about Mr Cruise's sexuality.Wink Perhaps she was saying what she thought you wanted to hear at the time regarding men?

Tom Cruise?Hmm

Now if she'd said Johnny Depp, it would be a different story!!Smile

yoshiLunk · 25/05/2011 08:04

She could well be 'reacting to stuff'. When she's worked it out (which could well still take some years) who knows now where she will land, straight, gay or bi, I agree with others, what does it really matter for now? why the hurry for her to commit to a 'team' ?

And as for 'never had much luck with men' - same here, looking back I don't believe any of my boyfriends truly loved me or wanted to commit until the one I had when I was 29, and I married that one.

colditz · 25/05/2011 08:07

Oh God, it culd be so much worse, I thought you were going to say she was 12 or something. She's 24!

colditz · 25/05/2011 08:08

My friend never had any luck with men. her husband was a prick, and as soon as she divorced him she had a string of female admirers and settled with a nice girl from Hull. And my friend was 34 at the time.

SouthStar · 25/05/2011 08:10

I find this really bizare..... she is 24yrs old, how is any of it your concern. Maybe she didnt let on to you because of the way you talk about her.