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Original poster

DSD says she is a lesbian - I think she is lying

61 replies

whatever17 · 25/05/2011 04:16

DSD - (DD) - came to live with me when she was 12 - she is now 24.

She has never had any luck at all with men. She is really, really needy and she puts them off, possibly. However, I have heard her for years and years saying "Phwaor, Tom Cruise is fit" (or substitute). She now says she is a lesbian and has brought home a girl. Fine, if she was.

I think she is mixed up. Her mum was very indiscriminate and brought home all sorts and liked men and women and everyone.

I just think she is reacting to stuff.

If she is a lezza, fab, but I think she is just sad.

OP posts:
lesley33 · 25/05/2011 08:11

She may be gay, she may be straight going through a phase, or she may not know herself and be trying to work it out. There is a lot of pressure for young people to decide early on what their sexuality is. Some people however, don't know and take some time to work it out for themselves.

IME this seems to be more likely to be needy people who quickly jump into relationships with people because they want to be cared for and loved, rather than really looking at what they want from a partner.

I know she is 24, but I think you need to give her some space to work out for herself what she wants from a partner.

And I agreewith other posters, don't use the word lezza.

LeninGrad · 25/05/2011 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hester · 25/05/2011 08:16

When I came out lots of people said they didn't believe me: it was attention-seeking, I was 'too feminine' to be gay, I was following fashion, I just didn't know how to relate to men because of my deadbeat father etc. That was 28 years ago.

Oh, and Tom Cruise leaves me cold, but I'll talk all night about the charms of George Clooney.

I don't know if your stepdaughter is lesbian. Neither do you. She may well be mixed up and attention seeking - she could be like this heterosexual or homosexual.

The real question is this: Why do you feel the need to judge and pronounce, rather than listen and support?

BecauseImWorthIt · 25/05/2011 08:20

'lezza'? Hmm

Charming.

I hope that whatever decision she reaches, whenever she reaches it, you will be a little more considered in your response.

Her life, her decision.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 25/05/2011 08:24

I think you need to get more of a life. I've seen another thread of yours this morning about neigbours IIRC.
As for your DSD, her life her choice, it honestly isn't any of your business. IMO, as long as all parties are consenting, get it on.

DontHassleTheBOF · 25/05/2011 08:28

If her Tranquility Relies On Liking Ladies, leave her be.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 25/05/2011 08:46

I couldn't have put it better Don't.

FoofffyShmoofffer · 25/05/2011 08:59

Firstly, what on earth do you mean by "she is just sad" ?

Do you mean unhappy?
Or are you using sad to mean pathetic? as "that's just sad".
It seems like a crappy choice of words to describe someone who has been your Daughter for 12 years. (as is lezza but that's been said)

A very close family member came out in the last few years. It was fairly sudden and unexpected. They had spent their teenage years fancying men.
However, they are happier and more comfortable in their own skin than I have ever seen them.

Please leave her to it.

maypole1 · 25/05/2011 09:04

What's the issue you again? She is 24 you seem to be the one making a fuss if my lo told me his was gay I would say thats nice and get on with what I was doing

I really feel this is a bigger issue for you than anyone else

BsshBossh · 25/05/2011 09:13

She's 24, you need to let her work it out for herself but be there to support her and listen if/whenever she wants. Three of my close friends are lesbians: one knew she was gay from her teens but still went out with boys until she hit 20, she still has crushes on male celebs despite being in a longterm lesbian relationship; a second went out with men until she met her female partner and now they have 3 children together (she calls herself a lesbian despite having only been out with one woman in her life; that's her right to define herself anyway she wants); my third friend has gone out with men and women, is 43 now and still trying to work through her sexuality - sometimes calling herself a lesbian, sometimes bi.

Everyone has their own journeys to go on.

Let her work it out for herself.

FabbyChic · 25/05/2011 09:27

Maybe this is part of her sexuality she wants to explore, and you should support her decision to do that. Sometimes we have to try different people on for size, that also applies to whether or not they are the same sex.

queenrollo · 25/05/2011 09:48

beesimo put it beautifully.

I had several of my social circle come out in their early 20's. Some of them explored this side of their sexuality and realised they are straight, some realised they are bi and some realised they are gay.

Some of them had the full support of their family, some of them didn't. They all had my support wholeheartedly. They all found it a difficult path to travel for a variety of reasons.

She isn't lying. She has either struggled with this internally for a long time and finally found the strength to be open with you about it, or she may be struggling internally with it now and exploring her feelings and figuring it out as she goes. Either way, if you want her to be happy then you need to put your own feelings/worries aside and give her the support she needs.

LeninGrad · 25/05/2011 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunshinelifeisgood · 25/05/2011 09:59

If she was 14 and struggling with her sexuality then it would be a different post completely.
I think you need to show some compassion and by saying she is a lezza and sad sounds awful.
Leave her in peace to decide her own direction in life, she is 24 fgs

Thingumy · 25/05/2011 10:02

I know someone who was married for 20 years and has 2 grown up children.

Her and her husband divorced and she has been in a happy relationship with her female partner for the last 11 years.

It's really none of your business OP.

MarioandLuigi · 25/05/2011 10:09

My sister is gay and has been in a CP for 3 years now.

But when she was younger she loved Peter Andre and Stephen Gately - had photos and posters etc etc.

You have no evidence she is lying just on the fact that she thinks Tom Cruise is fit (although I do think you have a case for wierd taste!)

And as she is 24 its none of your business.

Salmotrutta · 25/05/2011 10:12

I agree with those who suggest you leave her alone to sort it out for herself. Just let her know you love and support her.
Sounds like it's more of a problem for you than for her.
I think someone already mentioned that saying "Tom Cruise (or whoever!) is fit" could be a tactic to hide her true feelings.
In the bad old days when homosexuality was illegal and "hidden" this is exactly how gay people behaved.

NerfHerder · 25/05/2011 14:28

"If her Tranquility Relies On Liking Ladies, leave her be."

I love MN Grin

ShirleyKnot · 25/05/2011 14:34

I heart you Boffy you lovely lovely thing

rockinhippy · 25/05/2011 14:34

Its her choice, so let her be, she may decide otherwise in future - she may not - either way its HER decision - NOT yours so but out

FWIW previously ogling Men doesn't mean she can't now be Gay - perhaps then she wasn't being true to herself, perhaps she liked bot - or simply met someone who has changed her mind - my old friend was married for over 20 years - then went on to be quite a man eater when she split with DH - these days she's a Lesbian & very happy in her own skin - it happens - get over it & let her be :)

aldiwhore · 25/05/2011 14:38

Being true to yourself isn't always that clear. I also think there's too much pressure on people to give themselves life long titles... sexuality and preference can change. Sometimes you're neither straight or gay, but straight-right-now or in-a-same-sex-relationship.

I know people who've spent a lot of time and energy getting out of their closet only to find someone at some point that means they have to get back in.

Maybe your DSD IS being true to herself, only she's given herself a title that may change. It doesn't matter if you think she is a lesbian or not, what matters is if she's happy right now with her choice.

When my old school friend announced she was a lesbian I admit I didn't believe she was a life long out and proud lesbian, I just thought 'cool, she's met someone she likes and is happy', so when she, a few years later, met a man I didn't dare think 'see told yer so' - I thought exactly as I did a few years previous - that she'd met someone she liked and was happy.

InTheNightKitchen · 25/05/2011 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldMacEIEIO · 25/05/2011 14:41

Throw her out.
Anyone who thinks Tom Cruise is fit should have cocktail sticks poked into their eyeballs and thrown out.

rockinhippy · 25/05/2011 14:43

Oh & DDs happily settled with his own DP "Gay Godfather" was my own long term live in DP up until his mid 20s - no one believed him either Wink

TheVisitor · 25/05/2011 14:45

She's an adult. Mind your own bloody business. Who she has sex with is nothing to do with you AT all, and your interest could be perceived as creepy. I also hate the word 'lezza'. So derogatory.