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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think a school should be able to look after a child for over an hour?

631 replies

pingu2209 · 24/05/2011 22:47

More of a "is my friend being unreasonable" or the school?

A mum friend of mine has a career job but can't afford a nanny. A nanny would cost all of her salary. She uses the before and after school club. She works 1 hour away and her husband works 1 1/2 hours away from school. She was phoned up and asked to come and collect her son as he had a temperature and a rash.

She said, "okay I will be there in about 1 1/4 hours." The school office said, "well we need you here asap, can you get someone to come in the next 10 mins?"

My friend said, "no, I don't have any family living near by and I am uncomfortable asking a friend to pick up my son who is ill and may be contagious."

The school said to her, "you need to have an emergency contact who can get here in under 10 mins."

She replied, "well that would be great in an ideal world, but we are not from here and have no family. A friend would pick up if I was running late, but as all my friends here have children, I can't ask them to pick up my son who is ill. I am just over an hour away but the longer I am on the phone to you the longer I will be. I need to make a couple of calls to cancel meetings etc. I can't just run out, I need about 15 mins just to close up my desk etc."

I understand that a school is there to educate our children, it is not childcare or a 'sick room'. However, surely they need to understand that if both parents are working and they don't have a nanny, one of them will be along as soon as possible.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

activate · 25/05/2011 18:28

"an inconvenience to the school"?

what exactly is that then? is it a teacher not able to teach or a support worker not able to support - is it other children being affected

the days of a school nurse are long gone - if your child is sick you get them as soon as possible - schools do not "care" for children - they educate and safeguard them - parents "care"

that said if it takes an hour to get there, so be it

Feenie · 25/05/2011 18:31

Pingu, your child had a rash and a temperature - it could well have been something serious.

You sound like your poorly dc is an inconvenience to yourself, tbh - the school thought he needed his mummy. It's your job to take it from there. 10 minutes is obviously OTT, but I suspect that a) the secretary is a bit of a battle axe, as is not uncommon b) she was taken aback by your lack of concern for your own child.

Triggles · 25/05/2011 18:33

DS2 was ill a month ago at school, and they called me to pick him up. Normally, if I am at home (am SAHM), then it takes me about 15-20 minutes to get DS3 ready and get to the school. Unfortunately, I'd taken DS3 to the park on a bus that day, and they called my mobile to ask me to come pick up DS2. It took me almost an hour, simply due to my location and that I didn't have the car with me. These things happen. You can't tie yourself to your house the entire school day on the off chance they may call you.If it's an emergency, they need to call 999. Otherwise, I get there as quickly as I can, and that's that.

Scholes34 · 25/05/2011 18:38

So Triggles shows it's not a SAHM v working mum argument. I'm office based and always 15 minutes from school. SAHMs are more mobile.

Fimbo · 25/05/2011 18:39

because they had thrown up! That isn't an emergency.

I work in a school and throwing up is a bloody emergency. Who really wants to watch the pain and discomfort of a child being sick. If it is a bug have you really got no idea how contacious vomit can be. We had a child off school on the Monday because they had thrown up the Sunday. Back at school on the Tuesday, mother is a childminder and should know the 48hr rule but hey sick kids means no ££ for her. Threw up again that night, back in the school the following morning. Went round to someone's house for tea on the Wednesday night and the other child was off the following day as she had been sick.

prettyfly1 · 25/05/2011 18:39

Feenie for god sake SHE WAS AT WORK - how would you like her to change her reaction - perhaps she could fly there? It is bloody inconvenient to try to juggle work and childcare but she wasnt arguing about going so I think your point is very irritating.

sausagerollmodel · 25/05/2011 18:44

And another thing ... I am puzzled as to why anyone needs 15 mins to "close their desk" ?? Can't you just slam the lid down and run? My desk doesn't even have a lid ... but that's a whole other thread.
I think you could get there sooner than 1/14 hours, but there again the school is BU expecting you there in 10 mins. So YANBU and YABU at the same time.

Feenie · 25/05/2011 18:48

I'm not suggesting she fly there, prettyfly - I am also a working mother, so I know exactly how difficult it can be. But the OP's attitude is more and more out of order - am beginning to see why the secretary got narky. She is acting as if collecting her own sick child is an inconvenience, and wrongly assumes that the school think the same. A poorly child needs their mum - not because the school can't wait to get rid of them, as the OP suggests.

SauvignonBlanche · 25/05/2011 18:49

Feenie read the OP, it wasn't her child!
I work 45mins from school, luckily DH works from home.
The one time I was called, I explained how long it would take me to get there and they were lovely, told me not to rush.
When DH was office based there's no way we'd have been there in 10mins, that is unreasonable.

Feenie · 25/05/2011 18:52

Ah, I had read OP but it was last night, so I had forgotten. Will amend my opinion to the OP thinking the school think a poorly child is an inconvenience. Still don't like OP's attitude, or her 'friend', and neither, obviously, did the school.

Feenie · 25/05/2011 18:54

However, I would be really peeved for the school to call out another mum to pick up my child because they had thrown up! That isn't an emergency. That is for me to go and get my child as quickly as I possibly can - which may be 1 1/2 hours or may be 10 mins, depends where I am.

I am even more reticent to put other mum's as my emergency contacts now, knowing the school wish to use them when it is not an actual emergency, but actually an inconvenience - an inconvenience to the school.

Sauvignonblanche, this all refers to a hypothetical situation involving her own child.

donnie · 25/05/2011 18:59

I'm with Feenie.

sausagerollmodel · 25/05/2011 18:59

Feenie - oops I did the same as you. I agree - fhe "friend" sounds a right cow. I don't like the term "career job" - a job is a job and people in all kinds of jobs have to deal with this situation, it's not as though having a "career" gives you the right to put your job before your family.

xstitch · 25/05/2011 19:01

Honestly though Feenie how are you supposed to guarantee you can always be at the school within 10minutes? Especially these days when children are only offered places in schools miles away. So even SAHM couldn't go home and do housework, couldn't get any shopping done to have food in the house they would never be able to go and find work, they would have to spend the whole day sitting outside the school on the off chance their child took ill.

I suspect schools wouldn't be so happy about so many adults sitting outside. If the mum in the OP had decided she couldn't be bothered fair enough saying that but she got there as fast as physically possible. Quite frankly the school secretary arguing with her would have delayed her further.

Feenie · 25/05/2011 19:02

Indeed - I have a career as a teacher, but when my ds is poorly he comes first. It wouldn't occur to me to think he was inconveniencing the school - I would just be grateful that they chose to ring me because they thought he was poorly enough to need his mum.

Feenie · 25/05/2011 19:03

I think we have all said that 10 minutes in unreasonable, xstitch, and I would guess that either the secretary is a bit of a cow, or she got annoyed that the 'friend' wasn't concerned about her poorly child, or both.

Original poster

pingu2209 · 25/05/2011 19:06

Feenie, my school think that if a child is not in class it is an emergency that requires someone (they don't care who) to pick up the child immediately, or within 10 mins.

When I, as a SAHM, had travelling issues and got lost and had no idea where I was, was 1 1/2 hours late, all things out of my control, the school were hugely angry. This was not at 3pm but at 12pm when picking up from pre-school.

When my friend's son was ill (not dreadful but slightly), the school asked her to come and get him, she was at work, which is about an hour away. Yes if you have a career job you can't just walk out of the office. You have to phone and let your boss know. You have to cancel any meetings you may have that afternoon. You have to email a few people to let them know you are leaving the office and to call you on your mobile if necessary. Yes, 15 mins is really quite a short time to 'close down' your desk.

This together with the journey home is 1 1/4 hours, which the school were furious with.

Some here think that it is totally unreasonable to leave a child who is unwell for over an hour waiting to be picked up from school. However, others have said, okay, what else could the mother do? Is it really unreasonable to sit on a chair quietly to wait for mum?

More over, it was bloody obvious the boy did not have a rash of any kind. He had 5 flee bites on his tummy. No where near a rash.

Others have said that there needs to be other mums who live near by who would pick up. But as many here have said, do you really want to ask (or indeed be the person doing the picking up) someone to look after a child who is not well and may be contagious.

I genuinely do not think a slightly ill child is an emergency that requires phoning round all and sundry asking them to pick your child up immediately. It is just a simple question of putting the child on a chair in the office and letting them sit there quietly and wait.

The school just don't like that option because it is inconvienient to them. It is not 'inconvenient' for my friend, she came as soon as she could.

OP posts:

xstitch · 25/05/2011 19:08

So feenie do you think that me putting my shoes on if I get called to collect my dd means I don't care about her, taking a second to turn off the cooker before going means I don't care about my child, locking my door means I don't care? Pausing before crossing the road instead of allowing myself to be knocked down means I don't care. If I get a phone call and I am more than 10minutes away even running full pelt I will get there as quick as I possibly can but unfortunately teleportation is still for the realms of science fiction.

Please not I do not have a career and only work part time but there is house work to be done, food shopping to get and hospital appointments to attend so I cannot sit in outside the school grounds all day and refusing to do so when it is pouring with rain and blowing a gale does not mean I don't care about dd.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 25/05/2011 19:13

Both are BU. School for the 10 minute rule and OP's friend (or whoever) for being less than keen to go get her child.

But please - a small child chucking up is an emergency - it's vile feeling sick and wanting your mum.

Feenie · 25/05/2011 19:15

Feenie, my school think that if a child is not in class it is an emergency that requires someone (they don't care who) to pick up the child immediately, or within 10 mins.

Have you got that in writing as school policy, or through your pissed off friend who got it from a pissed off secretary?

When I, as a SAHM, had travelling issues and got lost and had no idea where I was, was 1 1/2 hours late, all things out of my control, the school were hugely angry

Did you ring, apologise and explain?

"Others have said that there needs to be other mums who live near by who would pick up. But as many here have said, do you really want to ask (or indeed be the person doing the picking up) someone to look after a child who is not well and may be contagious."

Why is being contagious of huge concern to another mother, but of no consequence to a school of 200+ children?

The school just don't like that option because it is inconvienient to them.
That's your opinion. And it stinks. The school do not take decisions to send children home lightly, as hulababy said - they are under huge pressure to keep attendance figures up. If they are worried enough to phone you, then so should you be.

Feenie · 25/05/2011 19:17

So feenie do you think that me putting my shoes on if I get called to collect my dd means I don't care about her, taking a second to turn off the cooker before going means I don't care about my child, locking my door means I don't care? Pausing before crossing the road instead of allowing myself to be knocked down means I don't care. If I get a phone call and I am more than 10minutes away even running full pelt I will get there as quick as I possibly can but unfortunately teleportation is still for the realms of science fiction.

Nothing I have said should have led you to extrapolate any of that, xstitch - I have said more than once that 10 minutes is unreasonable. But please feel free to be as hysterical about that point as you like, it's quite funny.

xstitch · 25/05/2011 19:19

When you are fighting the urge to die because everyone in RL is always telling you are an awful mother things do tend to upset you.

Original poster

pingu2209 · 25/05/2011 19:23

Feenie, you haven't read the thread. When I was really late I phoned 3 times, every half an hour, to tell them where I was and how much I was trying to get home.

I am very offended at your stance over my friend. She was really worried about her son as the school had made out he was really ill and needed immediate pick up. She did all she could, without risking her job, to get to the school as soon as she could - which was 1 hour 15 mins. The fact he was fine and was playing on the sick room floor and had no rash whatsoever did annoy my friend as they had not told her the truth of the situation. If they had, she may well have phoned me to pick him up.

OP posts:

Maryz · 25/05/2011 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dikkertjedap · 25/05/2011 19:26

10 minutes seems unreasonable and I would be surprised if that was part of the school contract with parents. Most schools I know would state that a child needs to be collected within 1 hour. That seems totally reasonable to me and if parents choose to work further away then they will have to make arrangements or select a school closer to their work IMO.

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