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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL christened/blessed my DC

111 replies

jubaloo22 · 23/05/2011 19:27

With out me knowing?!

We were talking about the end of the world, good being saved thing on Saturday when MIL says she christened both my children when they were babies so they would be fine! When asked what she ment she said when she was looking after them she rubbed water over their heads in the shape of a cross and said "Jesus i give this baby to you... bla bla" .

Now reading this back its just made me laugh which i should really do, but, i'm not religious and if my children want to be they have the choice to when they're older. I made my point clear about this when they were young and its more of a how dare she! If i wanted to 'Give' my children to Jesus then i would of done it myself with a big party and lots of wine .

AIBU and should i just laugh about it as there not much i can do now anyway?

OP posts:

Tambern · 23/05/2011 20:22

As others have said, the ceremony is not valid in the eyes of the church, since it wasn't an emergency nor did she use the correct formula. Not only that but since Limbo has been abolished, the baby would presumably be fine anyway.

She was out of order to impose her religious beliefs on your child. I'm sure if she'd said to you that she felt very strongly that she would like your child to be blessed (if not christened) you wouldn't have kicked up a huge fuss. Doing it behind your back is weird though.

When your DC is 7, is she going to take them out for the day, and bring them back having undergone first Communion and first Confession?

beldaran81 · 23/05/2011 20:26

I think thinking you've baptised someone against someone elses wishes/without them knowing is worse than cutting hair, so if MiL did that to my children she would not be having them alone for a long time.

My dad did used to 'baptise my kids under the kitchen tap and lick his finger for 'spit crosses' on aregular basis, it was a family joke, there was no intention and he did baptise both (he is a Vicar) in a ceremony where DH and I made the promises we decided to undertake. I would of been furious if someone else did for me, even though to me it wouldn't of counted, it's about the promises the parents make for the children and themselves that are important IMO, without that it doesn't 'count'.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 23/05/2011 20:30

WTF? Look, cards on the table, I'm Catholic, we like baptisms, DD was baptised in a frilly frock, the works. But if my MIL had taken it upon herself to do this without my knowledge I'd go nuts. It's not about whether or not they are actually baptised, it's about the fact that she did this off her own bat to someone else's children with no consultation or permission. It's about boundaries.

ohfuckohfuckohfuckduck · 23/05/2011 20:32

I agree totally with GML - GML you said that so much better than I did

I'm not religious. But it's not a religious or not issue.

MIL did something she knew you wouldn't approve of.

hugglymugly · 23/05/2011 20:35

As far as I can remember, the concept of limbo was the result of the theologian and philosopher Augustine coming up with a powerful and convincing philosophical argument about the necessity of baptism in order to have any chance of entering heaven, only to find he'd painted himself into a corner regarding what would happen to innocent babies who died before being baptised. He was mostly a good chap, though, so he magicked up the idea of limbo, where unbaptised babies would be eternally happy but never see the face of god - which in my mind actually made the situation worse.

Fear can make some people do strange things. But also an attitude of power and entitlement can lead to the same behaviour.

beldaran81 · 23/05/2011 20:36

Oh and mumblechum1 that's a good joke, almost as good as my 'Jesus cheating at hide and seek' one, but you needs actions for that.

boyoboy · 23/05/2011 20:38

mumblechum :D...I like it

if my MIL sneaked off to say some mumbo jumbo whilst making the sign of the cross over any of my children I would not be happy, however if whilst holding my children she had said something to god about looking after my children then I would think that sweet....

it is the deviousness of it that worries me, if she is convinced what she was doing was right, why the secrecy? Did she in some way think she was saving thier souls?

Both my children are baptised RC and have done their holy communion, a choice made by both DP and I

cjel · 23/05/2011 20:39

I am a christian and so do believe that to welcome babies to the family of God is good, and I can see that it is a lovely thing to have happened. BUT it was not a good thing for her to have done it behind your back. She is probably praying for your children as well which I also think is good , but still very wierd to do dedication or baptism on your own in secret without even parents knowing. but as you don't believe and no harm is done it would be difficult to make to much of it. just be aware that she is capable of doing things behind your back, although as I say this was something she did with love for you dcs.

Dysgu · 23/05/2011 20:40

This has got me thinking - I am an atheist and DP's family is very religious. His dad is a vicar, sister is a missionary and brother-in-law is a preacher. Mother and Gran are regular church goers, organisers of Bible camps and so on. They all know my thoughts on the whole thing and we have some 'interesting' discussions.

I have just been trying to think of any times when they could have christened my DDs in this way - presumably many of them (especially the ordained ones) would know the right words and actions.

Thinking about it, there have been times when DP has taken them to visit his family without me so there may well have been times - DP believes in something but is pretty anti organised religion.

However, as far as I can see, some words and gestures and water over my girls' foreheads is not going to make any difference to either them or me. But perhaps it does make a difference to DP's family to feel that their souls are safe - or whatever. I can only see that OP's MIL would have done this out of love and care for her GC.

JamieAgain · 23/05/2011 20:42

Totally agree Dysgu.

Pictish · 23/05/2011 20:45

As a dyed in the wool atheist I agree with you Dysgu.
This little ritual wouldn't faze me in the slightest except to give a little roll of the eyes to myself.

Am at those who would be 'furious' etc etc....

oldspeckledtam · 23/05/2011 21:46

My husband and his brother were christened by a minister in 1973. The ceremony was arranged by their childminder who was worried for their souls! My mil only found out as the elder child mentioned it, months later. She laughed it off. It's a family joke of theirs now.

TandB · 23/05/2011 21:54

If you don't believe in God then all she has done is get their heads wet and mutter some nonsense. It has had no effect on them whatsoever. I would laugh it off.

If she tries to impose her religion on them against your will and when they can understand then that would be worth getting wound up over.

MumblingRagDoll · 23/05/2011 22:00

My Nan had me secretly blessed by a Cathlic priest! I must have been about 8 or 9 and she was a devout Catholic...her son...my Dad had lapsed when or before he married my CofE Mum and Nan had obviously worried herself about my soul!

ONe day, a priest turned up at her house when she was looking after me....and he said some words and all that.

I'm ok! Dont worry about it!

zipzap · 23/05/2011 23:47

I'd call her bluff and say that this has been on your mi d and worrying you so you'd like the name and number of her vicar/priest. Which hopefully shell give to you assuming that you want to have them properly christened.

Then once you have the number you can tell her because you want to get them unchristened after what she did to them and assume that the vicar is the best person to talk to about it. oh and that you are going to get her unbaptised or unconfirmed too as worries you that she's into all that religious stuff.

And then sit back and watch her reaction

Whether you bother to do this or not is beside the point, but it will give her something to think about imposing views on others and being on the receiving side of it. Plus give you a laugh as you watch her reactions.

And just be glad that she wasn't a Jewish granny who was worried about her gs not being circumcised and who went ahead and got that done for you!!

BluddyMoFo · 23/05/2011 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 23/05/2011 23:57

I would be pissed off about this, even though it wouldn't have any effect on DC. As others have said, it's about boundaries, and how very annoying it is that superstitous people are so incapable of keeping their crap to themselves.

CheerfulYank · 24/05/2011 00:05

Meh. As most people have said, if you don't believe in it, it's just water and words, and she truly believes she's doing something nice for them.

flyingspaghettimonster · 24/05/2011 00:39

Would have pee'd me off too - my Mum let her nutjob boyfriend 'heal' my perfectly fine, just slightly socially awkward 4 year old of (her diagnosed) 'autism'... when I hit the roof she was deeply offended - apparently she only told me because my daughter had been behaving better for a few days, clearly meaning it worked...

In your case I would be mad because, as an agnostic with athiest leanings, I have never been baptised myself, and supposing there is a heaven, wouldn't want my whole family there without me...

Atwaroverscrabble · 24/05/2011 08:01

My mil did this to my dsd when she was a baby, see is now 16 and appalled that she was christened! Mil is an Irish catholic, dh has rejected Catholicism and I am a humanist (raised as an atheist...).

She keeps threatening to do it to dd (18months) as we are not getting her 'done' and to be honest I dont care. I don't believe in god and so giving dd to something that doesn't exist isn't going to hurt and if it gives mil peace of mind and happiness then that's ok!

lesley33 · 24/05/2011 08:04

As an aethist I wouldn't stress over this. TBH I can kind of see it from the MIL's viewpoint. If people honestly think a baby could go to hell if it is not baptised but becomes ill, then it would make sense to do this for a baby you love. But if you don't believe any of it, just ignore it.

I would be more worried about her trying to indoctrinate the children as they got older.

belgo · 24/05/2011 08:11

Yes catholics can baptise people without being a priest. You just need to pour a bit of water on their forehead and say "I baptise thee in the name of the Father, son and Holy Spirit' if I remember my RE lessons correctly.

If you don't believe in God, then it doesn't really matter does it? As Atwaroverscrabble says, many teenagers reject religion. I'm sure your DC will make their own decision when they grow up. I very much doubt the grandparents will indoctrinate the children, unless they are part of a sect or your children are susceptible to indoctrination.

SardineQueen · 24/05/2011 08:12

You see I thought you were going to say she'd organised a formal baptism and had a ceremony at church without you telling her, and was ready to get terribly fired up about it all.

But, I wouldn't get upset about this personally. She did a 2 sec thing at home which didn't harm anyone. Probably on impulse. And in a way, if it means she thinks your babies won't go to hell then that spares her some worry (should I add a ?). I don't know. It seems harmless to me, I'd forget about it.

Hammy02 · 24/05/2011 09:17

Its no more real whether she does it or a vicar does it. Its all bollux.

PrincessScrumpy · 24/05/2011 09:24

She sounds mental. In the CofE church, it needs to be done by a vicar and is all about the parents promising to raise the child as a Christian and being a part of the "Christian family". They are not Christened.

Putting water on their heads in the shape of a cross is simply washing their heads in an odd way while saying some stuff that happened to be about Jesus. Not worth arguing over if it makes her happy, but I would be inclined to bitch about her to dh later when kids were in bed!

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