to wonder why so many well-meaning grannies let their daughters take the complete piss out of them?

[ssd]

and before I start, yes this is written from a very jealous POV, we have no granny/family help and would dearly love some.........

BUT, I know so many mums who have their mothers literally running around after them all the time and said mothers generally being lazy arses

one granny I know drives her daughter to the shops/loads it into the boot/unpacks it at home (her daughter is fit and well and seems proud of this)

another gran regularly takes and collects the kids to and from school cos her daughter can't get "2 ready in the morning"

another gran does all her daughters gardening and ferrying around of the kids cos said daughter is "too tired" (she doesn't work, kids all in school)

I could mention loads more

as I said, I'd love some, any support, but can't understand how it seems to work out when a family does have a fit and active granny the granny ends up doing all the leg work and more often than not her daughter ends up taking a back seat and letting her mum do the bulk of the work even though the daughter is more than capable of doing it?

maybe some mums who are grans need to learn to let go a bit and their daughters need to learn to grow up and take charge of their own families instead of letting their mothers do it all?

and don't tell me I'm just jealous, of course I'm jealous as I don't have a mum to help, but it seems to me too many mums want an easy life whilst their old mum picks up all the slack for them

A bit of an unpleasant post. You do sound jealous. I have no knowledge of the personal situations of the mums & grans you mention (and your own knowledge is probably limited). No doubt there are some extreme examples but in general it's great when families help each other out. My mother loves doing some stuff for and with her grandchildren. Doesn't mean I do nothing, or that she is exploited. When I'm a gran, I hope I shall be able to be helpful too, and have a good relationship with my grandchildren. I think it's very tough for parents who have no help whatsoever, and greatly admire those who manage to do a good job with no support.

Wow! Is this really that common? I've never seen anything as extreme as that.

But my Mum did do all the baby's washing for the first few months when I had ds1. I'm actually a bit embarrased about it now, but we lived in a tiny flat and didn't have a dryer, and I liked the way clothes come out softer from a dryer. My Mum was happy because it gave her an excuse to come over whenever she wanted for the purpose of collecting or delivering washing!

You seem to know a lot of daughters and mothers and, with the best will in the world, I don't think you can possibly know their entire situations, arrangements etc. You've made a huge sweeping generalisation also that "granny ends up doing all the leg work".

It's entirely possible that the grans are more than happy to help. Could positively beg to do some of the things they do. And so what? It's up to them yes? has no effect on your life and frankly, is none of your business.

I am sorry you don't have that type of support and YANBU to feel jealous but YABU to make the generalisations.

My aunt is like this. Her daughter and SIL live next door, two children, all fit and able and my aunt (nearly 70) does everything. When we go and stay with them I literally sit there gobsmacked. She starts at about 7am by getting them up for school, school runs, childcare, housework in the daughter's house etc and her day finishes about 10.30pm when they finally go to bed (very skewed lack of routine).

The DIL works hard but 3 days a week and the SIL works school hours and days. I love them all to bits but it's unbelievable.

yes I accept I don't know the full story of course, but I do know these mums mentioned very well and what I said is true

I just feel sometimes the grans are taken advantage of, theres a line between wanting and being willing to help out, and having the piss taken out of you (which is how 2 of the grannies have told me they feel)they don't want to discuss it with their daughters incase they upset them

DIL = daughter. I got carried away, I was so indignant!

If the Grannies are unhappy about what they're being asked more fool them on one hand, on the other if their daughters are such nightmares maybe its the only way they'll see their kids. Either way its their business.

Some of my mum's friends are run ragged by their idol kids and permanently on Granny duty, others don't get to see their Grandchildren as their kids are always busy... neither would work for me and my mum, so I concentrate on what works for us.

My mum rushes around like a mad thing when she comes to visit, but when my grandchildren were born her and dad buggered off to the seaside at the other end of the country... good on them. They plan their visits to coincide with any special events I've got booked, so they're worth their weight in gold. Their friends think they're selfish.

Meh. Each to their own. Much as I hate to see people having the piss taken out of them, and much as I don't particularly like piss takers, it just doesn't affect me. Its very easy though to say 'if only I had that I'd appreciate it' but its dangerous territory to start voicing those thoughts as you just come across as jealous.

I think YAB a little bit U.

Grannies may want to be very involved in their kids lives? Or, maybe the grannies still remember how hard it was and really want to help out? Maybe grannies see it as a way of spending more time with their grandkids or, maybe (as in some people i know) it suits the grannies to keep their children dependent on them.I don't think it matters what the motivation is as long as it suits both sides.

My Mum wouldn't do any of this for me as she would probably worry that i thought she was interfering, and really she's just not that sort of person but that's ok. My Dad does this kind of thing for my neice and would do it for me if i asked but i choose not to ask unless i really need some help.

All families funtion differently and all families figure out what works for all of them.

Im not jealous - but I do wish my mum lived closer, but we manage just fine, and she babysits when ever we ask her too.

THere is however a nan at school, who as well as working , drops 2 girls off and picks them up, and does the birthday parties on the weekends, so her daughter in law gets to rest. she told us, that if she didnt do it, she knows her daughter in law wouldnt let her see the children!!

Hmmmm...overall yabu I think.

Largely because it's nothing to do with you.

I don't have my mum either and whilst I cannot say I have witnessed the rather "extreme" examples you have witnessed, I do hear quite a lot how some people's mums are driving them mad.

I'm sure mums/daughters do wind each other up ( my mum and I were exception) however when youdont have your mum around it makes it quite hard to hear.

The thing is, nobody understands other than people who are in same position. My mum never met her grandchildren and I find that sooooo hard as I'm so proud of my DCs and just know how much she would have loved them and vice versa.

There's nobody quite like Mum.

SSD I don't have Grannies to help either but do know at least one friend whose mother does everything. She works from 8 til 3 so mother comes, gets them ready, school run and takes one to after school activities.

We once had a conversation about my having a cleaner and she said 'oh o couldn't have a cleaner as they'd never clean properly as I wanted them too. I just get Mum to do it' .

I am bit bitter and resentful and I admit that.

YANBU to feel jealous at getting help. My parents live a mile away and I had to beg them to agree to looking after DD1 when DD2 was being born. But YABU to care so much: it's not really any of your business.

Having said that, I do have a friend who reckons she cannot cope with her small DC. And apparently her mother is going to be helping with school runs. Which will be interesting when they move 50 miles away later this year.

The grannies are adults. If they didn't want to do it they wouldn't.

I meant to say my mum and I were NO exception

YANBU to be jealous - I'm jealous too!

My dm refuses to help, even though she is fit and able, mainly because she was a single parent and believes I have it easy, as I have a husband who helps out. I'm really struggling with life at the moment, and wouldn't be surprised if I had pnd. Dying to get back to work somewhow, or even just get out for a couple of hours a week to get my head together, but my DM refuses to help with the kids. Apparently I 'will cope'.
I am really losing the will to live sometimes - really. Sometimes I think I am in the worst mess of my life - and yeah, having a mother who cared enough to take dcs for tea one day a week, or babysit once in a blue moon would be a lifesaver in this instance.

I have friends who are having children and their dms are taking them to playgroups and taking their children overnight while they go on mini-spa breaks over a weekends!
I get that I'm an adult and I should organise my own life - and I do - but by god, when I am struggling as much as I am now it would mean so much to have that level of help. Just to have an kind of help actually, from anyone, would be nice. Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world!

(Sorry, today is Monday. Mondays are the start of a very long week. And with the rain it doesn't look like we'll be going out)

I've seen some grannies at our toddler group who are elderly and in charge of 3 under 4 when their daughters are at work, and they seem to be struggling. I couldn't do that to my mother!

I am really looking forward to being a grandparent, if I get to be one.

I think mothers of young children often end up having too little support. Some cope and some don't. It is really good if people can share the load.

I haven't had as many children as I would have liked, and so would like to do childcare for my grandchildren.

"The grannies are adults. If they didn't want to do it they wouldn't."

Unless they think that it´s the only way that they´ll get to see their GC?

I wonder whether it´s more of the GM taking stuff on than the daughter taking advantage iyswim?

When I was pregnant with my 2nd (due 22months after first), my mum was determined that she would move in "for at least 2wks" to help as there was "no way I would manage with them so close together"

It really took a lot to tell her that we would see how the birth went & how I got on, and that as she was only an hr away, she could come just for the odd day.

But she didn´t say, "oh if you need me..."

It was presented as "this is what will happen"

aldiwhore you posted "Its very easy though to say 'if only I had that I'd appreciate it' but its dangerous territory to start voicing those thoughts as you just come across as jealous."

I said in the op I am jealous, so thats a no brainer. But why is it "dangerous territory" to voice my thoughts?

With the one situation you mention, I know a single parent family where the gran gets the shopping for them when she gets her own - because the DC have autism and a trip to the shops is often hell for the mother. Just saying.

I do see some people who get riduculous amounts of help and others who dont though, so I take your point. But thats why we shouldnt always judge if people are not coping, many a time I have had to point out that maybe Jenny down the road looks like a better mommy than Sarah up the street, with her groomed appearance and tidier house, But maybe thats because Jenny's parents have her children every weekend and they go to their dads twice a week, whereas Sarah has her children 24/7. IYSWIM.

I think you have made a very fair point ssd - some daughters do take advantage of their mother's goodwill - it is easy for people to say that they should just say 'no' to their daughter's demands but some people would find that very hard. I have friends who are GMs and on the surface it looks as though they do enjoy 'helping out' but more than one of them have said to me privately that they do feel taken advantage of. I do try to gently suggest that they stop doing so much but they believe it is too 'awkward'. This is particularly difficult if it is DILs demanding help. One friend looks after seven grandchildren (alternate days) - plus her elderly father and helps her DH run their business.

My friend has four children and her DM looks after them whilst she is at work (school/nursery run, tea etc) and on my friend's day off her DF comes over to do her shopping - she is perfectly capable, has her own car - and she moans about her parents !!!

I really wonder how many of these women will give up their careers/hobbies & interests to run around after their own grandchildren.

I am not jealous - I have lovely parents but when we see them it is to enjoy their company not use them as hired help .

It does happen unfortunately. We have a family member who completely and totally takes the piss. Her mother is treated like unpaid help despite working full-time herself. The reason she puts up with it is that her daughter simply wouldn't bother to arrange contact between grandmother and grandchild if there was nothing in it for her.

It really upsets me.

I got no help at all as a young single parent 25 years ago.things were a bit different then too, no tax credits ,no childcare help,there were few nurseries and you needed a social worker to access a place in one. i was on my own 24/7, with my dd.it was very lonely and very hard.when my dd had her dc also as a single parent i vowed never to let her struggle the way i had to.to the outside world it may look like my dd is taking the piss with all the help she gets from me,but it is my choice .and i love being so involved in my dgc life.should be no-one elses concern.

I've noticed this actually. Maybe because I don't have children yet myself I notice and am shocked by how much other women expect their mothers to do for them these days.

One woman I know regularly expects her mum to look after her toddler son at weekends just so she can have a lie in. Mother and daughter live about half an hour's drive apart and daughter always expects her mum to pick up the child and drive him back. Mum also is expected to drive to daughter's to 'help out' at least 3 other times each week.

Someone else had a baby and asked her mum to look after him 3 times a week. Now she's having another and is just expecting her mum to look after both, even though the mum's health isn't good.

Someone else cares for her grandson twice a week. She was recently told by her daughter 'I'm going to work an extra day a week from now on' - just expecting her mum to look after him then too.

Someone else got married, already had a little boy, and just expected her mum to take the boy to bed and stay with him during the evening reception, so the mum never got a chance to say goodbye to any of the guests at the do she was hosting.

There just seems to be a lot of expectation from women with young children these days that their mothers will do whatever they want them to, and don't even need to be asked.