to wonder why so many well-meaning grannies let their daughters take the complete piss out of them?

[ssd]

and before I start, yes this is written from a very jealous POV, we have no granny/family help and would dearly love some.........

BUT, I know so many mums who have their mothers literally running around after them all the time and said mothers generally being lazy arses

one granny I know drives her daughter to the shops/loads it into the boot/unpacks it at home (her daughter is fit and well and seems proud of this)

another gran regularly takes and collects the kids to and from school cos her daughter can't get "2 ready in the morning"

another gran does all her daughters gardening and ferrying around of the kids cos said daughter is "too tired" (she doesn't work, kids all in school)

I could mention loads more

as I said, I'd love some, any support, but can't understand how it seems to work out when a family does have a fit and active granny the granny ends up doing all the leg work and more often than not her daughter ends up taking a back seat and letting her mum do the bulk of the work even though the daughter is more than capable of doing it?

maybe some mums who are grans need to learn to let go a bit and their daughters need to learn to grow up and take charge of their own families instead of letting their mothers do it all?

and don't tell me I'm just jealous, of course I'm jealous as I don't have a mum to help, but it seems to me too many mums want an easy life whilst their old mum picks up all the slack for them

It's a new rule. No whining about stuff that is none of your business and doesn't affect you and doesn't hurt anyone.

Who cares if some women want to raise their GC and the daughters want to let them, how does it matter in any way?

Unless the grandmothers are being made to do something against their will how is it anyone's business how they conduct their lives?

Of course it happens. Relatives (people in general) take advantage of each other all the time, and some are not good at standing up for themselves. The OP isn't saying every instance of a GP caring or helping is due to a D or DILs laziness.

Morloth - AIBU would not exist under your new rule. And taking advantage of someone's better nature or through implied threat is hurting them, IMO

I agree op- some people do take the piss out of the gp's. Not all but some. I know several parents who use the gp's for free childcare, or have them ferrying the kids about all the time, and basically having to restrict their own life to fit in with their adult kids life. I don't honestly know how people can do it- I would feel terrible doing this.
I also agree that it's not as simple as gps just 'wanting to do it' - these situations are usually loaded, and the gps may feel that if they don't see the grandchildren on
The parents terms, then they may end up being sidelined

YANBU!
I hate comments like "it's none of your business " - so what's AIBU for, if not to voice things that irritate you?!
I know people who use grandparents as mon-fri childminders. That possibly seemed like a good idea at the time, but seriously - the GPs didn't retire to start another full-time - usually unpaid - job. My dc went/go to nursery. No we can't afford it at all but id never ever expect either of my parents to childmind full-time.

Well said. I sometimes hear parents saying they cant afford childcare and thats why they use the gps, but the fact is, if the gps got ill or frail or died, or god forbid actually decided they wanted to do other things with their life other than start working as an unpaid childminder, then the parents would HAVE to re think and operate as independent adults with responsibility for funding the care of their children

I can't inderstand the "mind your own business" comments

as someone said, what is AIBU for other than to voice something that is bugging you?

I've decided there seems to be 3 types of parents here

1. parents who have no help and have no choice but to do everything themselves

2.parents who have some help but still choose to do the majority of the parenting themselves as they see it as their responsibility

3.parents who have help, use it as much as possible and don't feel an iota of guilt that their own parents are having to live their lives around the grandchildrens schedules

and usually 3 attitudes going on

1. knackered but getting on with it

2.involved a lot with their kids but get a bit of the old "me time" too

3.selfish and spoilt, oh and don't dare question them, "what business of it is yours anyway?"

I love helping out DD...I get to overdose on kissing my GC

ok then mind other people's business without knowing the reasons why such and such has granny to help and why such and such sleeps in til 11 while grandad takes the dcs to school. judge away but tbh you really dont even know what you are judging. tehre are as many different reasons for why families work as they as there are families so you can't possible make such a sweeping statement and be correct. you cant know all their circumstances so judging is really only based on what you are assuming is happening.

and yes. 'NO' is a complete sentence. if you think someone is taking the piss you tell them no. you dont agree to do it and then go and whinge to other people about 'having' to do things for your DD.

ssd you didn't explain why you are only picking on daughters. there are men all over the world that take advantage of their mothers fathers sisters brothers wives partners children etc.

Agreed, ssd!
crazy, I bet you fall into ssd's category 2, though :)

What is wrong with them?

I can't stand family/people helping each other out. It makes me sick.

Bring back Thatcher, I say.

Booy, I agree that none of us know all the reasons for all situations, but I know 2 people very very very well who use their parents for 5-days-a-week child-care, and I also know it's cos they "can't afford" and "refuse to pay " child-care costs. I just break even after all the household stuff and nursery is paid, but I know it won't be like this forever, and I have to get on with it in the meantime. I could ask my mum to look after them a couple of days a week but don't. that is what I am basing my judgment on.

vmcd those grandparents have voices. if they aren't happy with their situation they need to speak up. if they are happy then what is the issue? it's between them if they want to do that for their children. i also think that knowing 2 people isn't the same as knowing what is going on in all other families with the same arrangement. knowing 2 people's stories is just that. it is just 2 individual stories and the judgement cant be applied to any other families just because you assume from outward appearances that they are doing the same.

there are lots of grannies at the toddler group i go to with the dds
the vast majority seem to love taking care of their grandchildren.
a small number complain about being taken for granted and left out of pocket (feeding the dc, toddler group subs).

we are lucky in that MIL is always keen to babysit if we want to go out in the day/evening, and the dds really enjoy this. but i would feel weird expecting her to do regular childcare - i want her time with the dds to be a pleasure and not a chore.

Do you know that they are perfectly fit and healthy though?

My mum has been coming round to my house at 8am for the past 3 weeks, getting the kids ready and dropping off DS at school. She'll then do my washing and ironing for me. I can be seen walking about perfectly healthy. She brought all my shopping in for me (even paid for it the other week because I was skint! )

I'm new to the street, are you my neighbour ssd?

Booy, you're right - I have personally only commented on people who I know their circumstances. I do agree that gps can say no, of course they can - and should - if they're uncomfortable with their situation. It's equally appalling that some of them are complaining to others. However I also have the belief that it's wrong to expect mon-fri childcare from gps whether or not they are happy to do it. They have a right to have their own time/life. And kids get a whole lot out of going to nursery /childminder

i agree it's wrong to expect that level of help from grandparents but OP doesn't know that this is what is happening. she is assuming it's what is happening. like i said in my first post, i spend alot of time trying to convince my mum that i am coping very well and no i dont need dad to give-up work to help me, nor do i need her to come and collect my washing or bring me in 'hot meals' . it is quite tiring constantly having to refuse her help and would be very easy to give in and say "ok mum, do whatever you feel you need to". my life isn't difficult so i can cope quite well, i know others have a harder time and i can imagine it might be a welcome relief to have a parent who is eager to take on some of the workload. i say each to their own.

I never said I know everyones circumstances inside out, who doe?

but for all the doubters, if you have never met a mum who takes the piss count yourself lucky

or is it that this thread touched a raw nerve with some of you because you see yourself in it???

i think you just sound really petty tbh. you probably have touched a nerve with some people who feel they are being judged by someone who has no idea why their mum helps them out. that would annoy you aswell if someone made a judgement based on very little actual knowldege and their own jealousy issues. anyway, you clearly find satisfaction/reassurance in getting so wound up about other people's lives so carry on.

My mum and dad would help out in all sorts of ways if they were more local. They are house sitting for us when we go away and do a bit of babysitting for us when they are up. We'd always look after their dog for them though if they went somewhere and couldn't take him.

PIL live five minutes walk away and look after the girls one day a week, plus occasional babysitting. They consider this a pleasure rather than a chore, but it does save us a lot of money. Also SIL is across the road from them and can sometimes step in in emergencies. Again we do stuff for them too, look after their dog, look after SIL's DS, fix their computer.

Also our CM is just at the end of the road. It is nice to have support, which is partly why we moved where we did. A lot of the support comes our way at the moment but I would think in a few years time as they become more elderly it will go the other way. I hope I can help my DDs out with childcare and whatever in the future and that they will live locally.

However I also have the belief that it's wrong to expect mon-fri childcare from gps whether or not they are happy to do it. They have a right to have their own time/life. And kids get a whole lot out of going to nursery /childminder

My nan and grandad looked after me between age 2-3 when my parents were at work and I wasn't at playgroup. They absolutely doted on me and we had an amazing relationship. Maybe it sounds sad but those were some of the happiest memories of my entire life and I'll always treasure having had so much time with them. I doubt that I'd have got as much out of going to a childminder/nursery, however well run it was. Of course it's possible that my grandparents felt that my parents were taking the piss by "using" them for childcare but I honestly don't think that was the case at all. They loved my parents and me to bits and wanted to help my mum and dad out as much as they could and be part of my life. They didn't have to offer in the first place and could have ended the arrangement any time they liked. I think it's a bit depressing tbh that there are people who'd view this as wrong or strange.

I was fortunate as both my in laws and my mum helped me alot when mine were small. I was always appreciative of what they did.

I will definitely help my own children out as well.

Geriatric, fair point that you got loads out of spending loads of time with your gps - I didn't mean to imply that nurseries are better - just different, with lots to be gained from them.
Fwiw, I don't think it's "strange" if gps look after their grandchildren, not at all. I just feel that people work all their days, and childminding grandkids full-time for years and years isn't the same as spending lots of time with grandkids or looking after them a few times per week. People retire later than they used to. They deserve time to relax too. Childminding is hard, as we all know!

Reading the OP has made me feel ashamed. My mum carried me some shopping today (well in her trolley) She also helped me make dinner.

In my defence I was in an accident yesterday have whiplash, temporary restricted the movement of my left arm and I am dragging my right leg slightly thanks to my sciatica. Spent time puking up over the last 36hs too due to banging my head. I feel even worse now, I only asked my mum for help because there was nobody else. :(. If she wasn't here dd would have had something very crappy for dinner.

xstitch - I don't think anybody is saying that Mums shouldn't help their daughters at all - especially when they are struggling. It is when adult daughters habitually refuse to take responsibility for their lives and expect their mum's to run around smoothing their way for them that it is taking the p a little.

Hope you feel better soon.