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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why so many well-meaning grannies let their daughters take the complete piss out of them?

75 replies

ssd · 23/05/2011 09:29

and before I start, yes this is written from a very jealous POV, we have no granny/family help and would dearly love some.........

BUT, I know so many mums who have their mothers literally running around after them all the time and said mothers generally being lazy arses

one granny I know drives her daughter to the shops/loads it into the boot/unpacks it at home (her daughter is fit and well and seems proud of this)

another gran regularly takes and collects the kids to and from school cos her daughter can't get "2 ready in the morning"

another gran does all her daughters gardening and ferrying around of the kids cos said daughter is "too tired" (she doesn't work, kids all in school)

I could mention loads more

as I said, I'd love some, any support, but can't understand how it seems to work out when a family does have a fit and active granny the granny ends up doing all the leg work and more often than not her daughter ends up taking a back seat and letting her mum do the bulk of the work even though the daughter is more than capable of doing it?

maybe some mums who are grans need to learn to let go a bit and their daughters need to learn to grow up and take charge of their own families instead of letting their mothers do it all?

and don't tell me I'm just jealous, of course I'm jealous as I don't have a mum to help, but it seems to me too many mums want an easy life whilst their old mum picks up all the slack for them

OP posts:

KittieCat · 23/05/2011 10:35

I can honestly say I don't know how I'd have coped without the help of both my mum and dad when our DS arrived last year. They did and still do a HUGE amount for us and I appreciate it no end. I would, however, hate it if people thought I was taking advantage of my parents and I think they'd feel the same. I don't like the idea that there is a judgement being made by others in situations which don't concern them.

It's worth noting that I'd move heaven and earth to help out my parents, if they needed it.

Psammead · 23/05/2011 10:37

YANBU.

Oh I could write an essay.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 23/05/2011 10:42

They sound like lovely grannies to me. Maybe their daughters/DILs are the ones who come on here posting about how close they are to their mothers-in-law whenever there's a slagging-off thread?

debinaboat · 23/05/2011 10:50

kittie i feel that there is a lot of judgement too being made about situations that most people cannot possibly know about. i have other family members voicing their concern about how much i do, or making sure my dd is "appreciative " enough for the help she gets.i dont want my daughter to feel grateful all the time,or made to feel guilty for asking for help. i do it because i want to and because i can. i dont resent it .and if i did i am more than capable of saying something. i too dont like the thought that people think i am somehow too weak to say no to my dd.its all relative anyway, what is too much help in someones eyes may be too little in someone elses.

sims2fan · 23/05/2011 10:52

The ones in my cases are lovely grannies. Their daughters are generally lovely too, and it's not the fact that the mothers do so much that shocks me, it's the fact that it's just expected of them. If all parties are happy with the arrangements then fair enough but I do know a few women who feel a bit put upon by their daughters but just feel they have to do what their daughters want.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 23/05/2011 10:56

It surely goes both ways though ... my SIL at the moment has a new baby and has been politely putting up with her mum and my mum both wanting to Do Things and Help, when in all honesty I get the impression SIL would rather just have some peace with her baby. It's give and take.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 23/05/2011 10:57

... also I know my mum is loving telling everyone how much she 'has' to do - if you didn't know her well you might think she felt put-upon but I promise she does not!

EightiesChick · 23/05/2011 11:09

Yes I have noticed this too. It does in some cases - not all - get taken for granted. Easy to do I'm sure when you don't have to pay for the help, but even so..

I love the replies saying 'it's none of your business' - as I have said many times before, if that applied we should just close the AIBU section (and most of MN) altogether! Idle discussion of what other people do is what the internet's for.

TheNumberTaker · 23/05/2011 11:13

I agree with you re the scenarios you outline, these people seem to be taking the piss a bit. But they sound quite extreme examples, I'm guessing most people with gp help don't exploit their parents to this extent. I feel really sad for those gps who feel they have to put in hard graft to get access to their gcs. However, there is the flip side of gps who do nothing to support their children, practically or emotionally, even when they can see they are struggling, but demand visits and being waited on like royalty (like my bloody parents).

YANBU to be a jealous, I don't have any local support either and I'm often on the verge of tears of envy whenever I see grannies in the park interacting with the little ones. I don't want help with housework etc, but I feel like my children are missing out on time with their grandparents, (my ILs, not my parents). When we do see them, my 2 are in raptures, as are the gps. My MIL, who is lovely, comes to stay for a few days maybe once or twice a year. I don't know if it's a generational thing or just her personality (she's always busy doing something or helping someone), but I really have to stop her trying to do housework in my house or cooking. I just want her to spend time with my DCs and occasionally look after them for a couple of hours while I get out of the house on my own (quite often, her visits are the only time I get to go to the dentist or get my hair cut etc).

My DH, however, would quite happily put my MIL to work ironing his shirts etc, which I really hate and I think is taking the piss, considering how little time she gets in her daily life just to relax and hang out with her DCs.

NulliusInVerba · 23/05/2011 11:33

Off topic a bit, but is it just me that has noticed its the mother's mom that ends up doing all this?

Rarely hear of fathers mom running round after the DC's. Maybe another expectation of mothers, not only should they do everything childcare wise but anything else should come from their family.....

KittieCat · 23/05/2011 11:37

Exactly, debinaboat, every situation is different and all parents and grandparents do things differently. I AM grateful to my parents and I hope they know it, but they help out out of love for me, my husband and DS and I accept that help on the same basis. I know I can ask for help rather than struggle and they can also say no... although the latter hasn't yet happened!

aldiwhore · 23/05/2011 11:44

OP, dangerous territory because you could be wrong, cause massive offence and be seen as a jealous judgey pants... okay, its not dangerous in the sense that you'll implode or anything, just sometimes better left unsaid?

My friend loathes her MIL, I adored mine but she died, I often thought 'I'd appreciate her MIL more if I was her' but wouldn't ever say anything as her MIL is probably a very different beast to mine. If I said something, my friend would be well within her rights to tell me where to get off!

Although yes, saying 'dangerous territory' was in itself dangerous territory!

Original poster

ssd · 23/05/2011 20:32

aldi, I've already said (twice!) yes I am jealous so to be seen as a jealous judgy pants is fine, if the cap fits and all that!
and my opinion is unsaid, in RL at least, thats why I'm posting on the AIBU section, because its something I feel strongly about but see no reason to discuss this with the lazy arsed mums I know. as I already said a few of the grannies mentioned have complained to me in the past and I just feel a bit sorry for them, but their daughters expect help above and beyond the call of duty when it suits them

and to debinaboat, the families I am describing aren't single parents, they are women who have all got a dh and still expect so much help from their mums. as a single parent I can imagine you'd certainly need a lot of support from your family if it was at all possible, but to equate your situation with a 2 parent family is very different

OP posts:

Fernie3 · 23/05/2011 20:47

I dont have a mother either and because of that if one of my daughters or daughters in law needed help or even just to make her life a bit easier with young kids i would do anything to help! Perhaps the grannies you know didnt have help either and want to make sure that their own daughters/ in laws never feel so alone in it all as they did - I know that's how i will be.

thekidsrule · 23/05/2011 21:19

totally get where op is coming from

there is a big difference between the normal grandparent "duties" and by the extreme bringing up the grandkids and doing the donkey work which im guessing the op is talking about

my auntie used to be exactly like op describes some grandparents,she even washed,ironed and packed my cousins holiday suitcase (cousin was 28 at time)cousin went on hols for 2wks and gran looked after her 8yr old twins

think this generation really does their kids no favours (am talking extreme examples) not normal grandparent things

debinaboat · 23/05/2011 21:37

ssd i would help my dd in whatever situation she was in.single or not.in the same way that my grandmother helped my parents, .she only lived 5 doors away from us and it was like my second home .she helped my dm in many ways ,daily. i am doing what was normal a couple of generations ago. when did giving and recieving help become something unusual.

Original poster

ssd · 23/05/2011 21:54

deb I don't feel we're discussing the same thing here

I'm not talking about a helpful gran who gives her time willingly I'm talking about a mum who lets her mum do all the running around for her and expects the mum to do it too

OP posts:

Oakmaiden · 23/05/2011 22:01

My sister is like this with my Mum.

My Mum doesn't mind helping out, but she does feel a bit taken advantage of sometimes. She has said that she doesn't want to upset my sister though, because she is worried my sister might decide not to talk to her again.

Whilst she darned well KNOWS I would never stop talking to my Mummy so feels quite safe saying she can't do something for me if it is not convenient for her. Which is fine - I wouldn't expect her to put me and my children before her plans - she had 18 years of that when I was a child.

I get cross about my sister being such a selfish cow though.... and jealous that she sees so much more of my mum than I do.

freddy05 · 23/05/2011 22:11

My sisters like this, my mum does all the school runs and looks after my nieces whenever they get left at her door because my sister wants to do something for herself.

The best though was when talking about having another baby. She was very ill with both her children and spent alot of time in and out of hospital before they were born. i asked her if she had seriously thought about how she would cope with the ones she has if she was in hospital as much as last time. She told me that 'mum and dad will just have to pull their weight for a bit it'll be their grandchild after all' To say i was shocked is an understatement!!

I'm lucky that my mum looks after my children for an afternoon about once a fortnight and that she came and looked after DD1 when i was having DD2, although I was only out of action 55 mins of the time she was here, but i appreicate it very much and don't expect it as my right or her responsibility.

Morloth · 23/05/2011 23:27

And this affects you how exactly?

EightiesChick · 23/05/2011 23:56

Morloth Point me to the rule that says a poster may only start a thread on something that directly affects them. I must have missed it.

chunkythighs · 23/05/2011 23:57

My mum was diagnosed with cancer a month after my husband died. Shes recovered but not to an extent that she could take on a lively 3 yr old. I had to leave my job as my work hours were very unsociable.

My aunt is treating me to a stay in her house this week (abroad)-I am soooo looking forward to a lie in . I honestly can't remember my last lie in.

Please please help me in my efforts to blow the volcanic dust away. I NEED this break

BooyHoo · 24/05/2011 00:01

how about you mind your business OP and let others mind theirs. what is it to do with you whether people do what you consider as too much for the grown children. and why are you picking on just the daughters? are there no sons who get their mums or dads to do things they are quite capable of doing themselves? and before you ask, no i am not one of these daughters. i have enough trouble trying to convince my mum that i can manage to run my life without her 'help'.

BooyHoo · 24/05/2011 00:05

"a few of the grannies mentioned have complained to me in the past and I just feel a bit sorry for them, but their daughters expect help above and beyond the call of duty when it suits them"

well then more fool them for doing it if they dont want to. 'no' is a complete sentence. it's up to them to say it and dont compalin if they dont.

spidookly · 24/05/2011 00:31

"No" isn't a complete sentence. And just because you can take advantage of someone's good nature doesn't mean you should, or that people who see you doing it won't think you're a cow.

YANBU

I'm not remotely jealous, my mother is a massive help to me. I know how lucky I am to have a young mother who is an adoring Granny. But I was brought up not to take advantage of people, and to run my own life.

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