not to take a newborn to my in-laws for Christmas?

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Do I win a prize for First Christmas-themed AIBU of the year? Perhaps a half-unwrapped sticky candy cane, with lint stuck to it?

We recently announced my pregnancy with #2, who is due at the end of November. Some few conversations later it became clear that they were still expecting us for Christmas, I said we wouldn't make it, they got cross because It's Our Turn. I'm pretty sure I'm right, but then again I also don't want to go, so maybe I need an outside view.

Background:
We're in Australia. They live in a neighbouring state, which is about 1.5 hours away by plane, in the same town as various siblings, grandparents, nieces and nephews. My youngest SIL still lives at home, and my GMIL lives downstairs in a self-contained unit. My mother and brother live in the same town as we do, but that's the extent of my family.

Until a few years ago, they moved around the country a lot and we rarely, if ever, saw them for Christmas itself, usually just catching up for Big Events like my MIL's 50th, weddings, etc. Even 3 years ago, when my daughter (first grandchild) was born, they were content to have their big Christmas at home while we had our little one at our place, and they flew over after Christmas for a visit. Worked well. The next year, when we had a 1-year-old, we went to theirs, as did my other SIL, her husband and their infant.

This is relevant: it is Not Done to stay elsewhere except the family home on visits. It is a 3BD plus the self-contained bit. To fit us all in, the GMIL moved into the younger SIL's room, younger SIL took the sofabed in the lounge, elder SIL + family took the downstairs unit, we three squished into the guest room, which just fits a double bed and a travel cot, obviously the parents had their own room. It was a squish, and because the guest room was just off the main dining area, DD had trouble sleeping, but it was a holiday, so fine.

This time around, SIL will have a 2.5 year old and a 9 month old. We will have a 3 year old and a four week old, assuming I don't go late, but I didn't last time.

Here are their arguments:

1. It is our turn.
2. Newborns are portable, and easy to travel with
3. There will be lots of hands to help
4. GMIL is too frail to fly to ours/can't fit in our place along with the in-laws, so wouldn't be able to see newborn if we don't come

Here are my arguments:

1. I will have a FOUR WEEK OLD
2. And probably stitches, and lochia, and leaky boobs
3. At 4 weeks old, DD screamed for 2-3 hours every night before sleep, which rarely happened until midnight, slept in 2 hour bursts and only if in bed with me, cluster fed and vomited a lot. We coped by pacing the house all evening, then sleeping when she did, taking things very easy, and both being pretty much completely hands-on all the time. This is utterly incompatible with staying in a crowded house full of people, in a bed too small for co-sleeping, in a room where a 3 year old is also trying to sleep.
4. The amount of 'helping hands' will be drastically reduced by the fact that the in-laws will be making elaborate meals for large crowds, worrying about where the formal china was put away, arranging the larger children for formal photographs, etc. Christmas is a Big Fucking Deal at their place. 4a) And there will be a newly mobile baby there as well as two bigger toddlers. And the place is not babyproofed, at all.
5. Germy planes and newborns?
6. (Not vocalised) I haven't had a nice little family Christmas with my own mum and brother, whom I love dearly, since DD was born. Four weeks out from giving birth, I think I deserve one.

Sorry about the novel. It's the result of many hours muttering arguments to myself when I should be sleeping.

And you know what? Apart from all the logistics, I think the single biggest reason you shouldn't capitulate is that you don't like doing Christmas with your ILs.

There is time enough for duty visits in the years to come. You can either make a memory you'll treasure or one that will make you boil for the rest of your life.

Enjoy your quiet, private, newborn Christmas!

I don't think you should go, make it clear you will not be there and arrange a visit for later on

yanbu. have a wonderful wine christmas with your new family. like you said you will be lacking sleep and small places with babies isn't much fun esp when you just want to sit in pjs all day
also you still might be bleeding abit and you don't want to have a little accident IYSWIM
good luck

Gosh, the more I re-read your posts, the crosser I get (projecting much? moi? )

Your DD1 has a huge transition to make. It will be infinitely easier if she's in familiar surroundings with her nuclear family, rather than camping out with a huge gang of people going googly-eyed over the newborn and ignoring her. She will get lost in the crowd in the circumstances you describe, just at the very moment she needs to feel she is still at the centre of things.

Haven't read whole thread so don't know if it's already been mentioned, but I think there are rules about how old babies have to be before they can fly.

You wouldn't ve able to book a ticket till baby's born anyway.

yanbu.

perhaps now is the time to stop taking 'turns' and start having your own family christmas?

what's your DH's view? surely he is backing you up.

Well we haven't really started taking turns, in my view, as complained about above, it's just that they came all the way over to ours last year, and thus are claiming 'turns' as an argument.

DH is on my side, but you know, it's harder to stand up to your own parents, so he says he agrees but then he starts conversations with sentences like "Ok, but say if we had to go to theirs...".

Since you're all on my side, can I repeat this question?

I was thinking, as a compromise, I might suggest that MIL comes over for DD's third birthday, when #2 will be days old, and then we'll fly over to theirs at the end of January for MIL's birthday, rent a place near them and just stay for the long weekend. The baby will be 10 or so weeks then, so a little bit easier, and she gets the big formal photo opportunity. Or is that still mad, and I should toughen up?

OP, I would simply say I can't book a flight for someone who has not arrived yet, nor am I garunteed to get new DC a passport in time given that it is the festive season. Also many airlines only allow babies that age in exceptional circumstances which is hardly the case for your trip.

It gives you time to think when you have given birth, allows for post birth feelings, stitches and establishing feeding etc.
What does your DH say? Also can't you speak to your midwife about this and aske her to spell out the issues to DH or family.

When did you last spend christmas with your family? x

Sorry I posted as you did!

Have had a quick look at rules for babies flying and from what I can understand they are not allowed until they have had their 2 week check and it is then not recommended until they are a few weeks for the immunity issue.

Even if your DH is even thinking about going you may not be allowed and that would be such a waste of money on flights and accommodation. And just think of the disappointment your in-laws would have that close to xmas - it just so wouldn't be fair on them and so the best thing (to spare them the disappointment at xmas!!) is to say no now

and also if you book everything and then cant go and so loose all that money you just WONT be able to afford to fly back over again to see them in the near future......

There can be no unreasonable when you have just had a baby....whatever makes you happy is what is right. They will get over it.....stay at home.....dont worry about it.....tell them there's no argument. Dont feel you have to come up with counter arguments.

Congratualtions too!

The baby may not be days old on your DDs birthday though, it may not be born at all! Just because one was early doesnt mean the next one will be. My eldest was 3 weeks early and my second was 3 days late, so you really wont know when the baby will arrive until s/he makes an appearance.

I would skip the birthday visit as you could be in hospital, waiting to give birth or having just given birth and if Xmas with MIL is anightmare then birth with her there would be worse! But I would do the end of January visit, as long as you were staying somewhere else.

"from now on we've decided to have Xmas at home. Of course you are all very welcome to come whenever you want."

Don't set yourself up for battles in years to come by suggesting that this is just because of the newborn. Nothing wring with wanting Xmas in your own house. As long as you visit some other time there really is no reason to feel guilty.

Just stay at home. Get your family to come to you (ideally with all the food!)

Just say no.

The birthday party will be 7 days after due date, and if she visits she'll visit for a few days, so likely to be here for the actual baby - and if not, she'd probably like to be here for the birthday anyway. Having a home birth so no issue with the hospital. She came over last time at about 10 days post-partum and she was a lot of help. I do like my MIL on her own, it's the whole extended family that's a bit much.

It's more the Jan visit I'm wondering about.

We used to do 'turns' but stopped after DS2 was born. Too much upheaval and exhausting, plus the children enjoy having Xmas in their own home. Relatives welcome to come and visit us, some come for Xmas itself, some between Xmas and New Year. Works much better. I think you need to do what's best for your family unit, whilst making everyone else feel as good as possible about it. Good luck!

YOu're thinking of inviting MIL over just after your due date??
This is not sounding good to me...

Oh, just seen your post. Well, if you think it would be helpful to have her with you, not a bad idea.

I think you would be mad to invite your MIL over when #2 will be days old. What if you are late or feel unwell or end up having a cs? The last thing you will want to cope with is visitors. The January visit when the baby is 10 weeks sounds much better.

I agree with norks when she said to get out of all this turns business. Your IL's don't have a right to their own way you know. You, as adults can have Christmas as you want and don't have to explain or justify it to anyone. And if you want your mum to come for lunch then go ahead. Your IL's are hardly sitting at home alone.

It's okay to make your own family traditions and not ave to live according to someone else's. If only one set of people can have what they want, why shouldn't it be you?

Congrats Tortoise!!

Oh..... and YADNBU!!! (but then we moved to the other side of the planet to avoid such scenarios . Do what you are comfortable with. End. of. discussion.

If you do let your MIL come when you are due to give birth, I think you ought to book her into a hotel. Unless you don't mind her being there while you push the baby out?

Ha, I'd send her to my Mum's (along with the toddler) for the actual event! Honestly, I do like my MIL, she's very helpful. I was really worried about having her over so early the first time around, but it worked nicely, and I think DD would like having an extra grandma present to make a fuss of her during the transition. They are her grandchildren, I don't want to cut her out of the loop.

Phew, okay, so I am officially More Than Reasonable. There should be an MN acronym for that.

YNBU, We did Christmas at my dad's last year (a 4hour drive) with an almost 7week old baby. I swore NEVER AGAIN. The traveling wasn't the problem it was all the stuff we had to take with us including DD Christmas presents as at 3years old she wouldn't understand that farther christmas couldn't make it to grandads. Plus we didn't have the same sleeping arangments as at home(we cosleep at home) and after 3 nights I was nakered and well ready for my own bed. Helping hands weren't all that helpfull to be honist and I just wish we'd stayed at home. Therefore I didn't really enjoy christmas. We're not doing that again.

When my sons were born, the doctor advised to not take them flying until closer to three months of age. The ears are "too young" to be exposed to pressured cabin, and this can cause damage to their ears and to hearing.
I asked specifically as I was planning to fly out and see my parents. So, I waited till they were 3 months old before flying out to see them.

I don't see why adults feel that they must spend Christmas with anyone's parents, TBH.