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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people get so inflamed over breastfeeding on here?

183 replies

DaisyLovesMetronidazole · 22/05/2011 18:22

I'm not bashing Mumsnet in general - I think it's a great site.

I fully understand the benefits of BF. I breastfed all of mine for 18 months. It was great.

Some of my friends did it for longer, others not as long, others not at all.

On here, as soon as someone says something less than 'Mumsnet Mainstream' about it, they seem to get jumped on a lot more heavily than anyone flaunting even very controversial opinions on other matters. In the other thread, I'm guessing almost 50% of replies involved telling the OP to fuck off.

Is anyone else confused at all, or am I completely alone?

OP posts:
LeninGrad · 22/05/2011 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

porcamiseria · 22/05/2011 23:01

i thought we were going to rumble lenin !

in all fairness I have learnt alot more, honestly a few years a go I was would have been quite rude about EBF. Now whilst I have my own opinions, I would not be rude about people that choose to do it....

Spudulika · 22/05/2011 23:09

"i.e I am pro BF, but not hugely comfortable with BF beyond a year"

Well that's pretty understandible given that you've grown up in a culture where it's a) rare and b) pretty much invisible in day to day life.

"ergo its more emotional than nutritional"

Well yes! A child who's breastfed while eating a varied weaning diet would be fine without breastmilk nutritionally. But they clearly still get some comfort from it, which is why they want to do it.

I stopped bf ds at 30 months. Would still have been bf him at 4 (had he wanted to continue) had it not been for a bout of illness that made bf impossible for me for 6 months. If there's a historical precedent for feeding through early childhood (there is) and no evidence of harm (there isn't) then I don't see a reason for denying him the thing that makes him feel happy and secure.

CRS · 22/05/2011 23:33

I disagree. Breast feeding at FOUR?! Why? Genuine question. I have never met anyone who breast fed past about one year.

CRS · 22/05/2011 23:34

Honestly - my son will be eleven in August - would it not be strange if I breast fed him?

RitaMorgan · 22/05/2011 23:36

Er... yes it would be strange to suddenly start breastfeeding your 11 year old - do you really need to ask?

MillyR · 22/05/2011 23:39

People breastfeed beyond the age of 1 because they enjoy it and so does their child.

CRS · 22/05/2011 23:41

Well. I did STOP feeding him, but had I carried on, would that have been OK? I stopped VERY early due to issues (my premature son was only fed (expressed) breast milk for a few weeks. But say I had been able to breast feed easily - would eleven be OK?

d0gFace · 22/05/2011 23:41

Im also confused. Smile

Ive never known/seen anyone breast feed, so do find it a little odd. I hope to give it ago when the time comes.

RitaMorgan · 22/05/2011 23:43

I doubt an 11 year old could physically breastfeed. Natural human weaning age is somewhere between 2 and 7 - I believe the jaw shape in an older child/adult makes in difficult to suckle.

MillyR · 22/05/2011 23:44

I can't think of any cultures, internationally, where 11 year olds want to breastfeed. So I don't think anybody could know what the impact would be, because we have nothing to compare it with.

CRS · 22/05/2011 23:45

Ah - well you see - I was only asking for an answer, and got one! Thank you RitaMorgan.

CRS · 22/05/2011 23:49

There was an article recently in the paper where a secondary aged pupil still breast fed "for comfort" so I wondered.

RitaMorgan · 22/05/2011 23:52

This paper wouldn't have been a trashy tabloid by any chance..?

CRS · 22/05/2011 23:56

Might have been! :) I have to go to bed now, but I guess all these threads interest me as I feel such guilt at not having breast fed for any good amount of time. Although my son seems fine! But the new one, if it happens, I'd like to try... not for eleven years though!

Serenitysutton · 23/05/2011 00:00

It's not a mums net thing; i've been part of a few baby related forums and bf vs ff bun fights come up in all of them- with the same arguments. I'm sure on mumsnet the same people have been arguing the same things for years now. it is odd because people are generally polite and respectful irl, but it does make you wonder what they're thinking behind your back.

hairfullofsnakes · 23/05/2011 06:06

Am I allowed to say what disturbs me?! It disturbs me to see that ff is the norm in this country. It disturbs me that mothers harp on about their right to choose how to feed their baby but what about the baby's 'right' to breastmilk and all the wonderful goodness it gives a baby. It disturbs me that people ignore/dismiss the benefits of breastmilk even though being breeastfed has a significant impact on the health of a baby both short term and long term. I'm afraid it disturbs me when I see a new born with a bottle it its mouth as I think it looks unatural and wrong. It disturbs me that their is a lack of support for new mums who struggle with bf (as I did) and that we live in a culture where perseverance with it is not encouraged (where possible)

It bemuses me that so many people have a problem with extended bf and that there is a lack of understanding at how good this is still for a toddler of two or three.

No offence meant to anyone, just how I feel

RobynLou · 23/05/2011 08:00

what people seem to forget is that 'extended' bfing often isn't something a mother decides to do in advance,
you have a baby, go through various struggles to bf, get to 6m, think I'll carry on till a year as we've got this far, then a year comes around quickly and you're still feeding, you decide to see how it goes day by day. day by day your baby turns into a toddler and you find yourself feeding a 3 year old.

'extended' bfing is simply the absence of stopping.

Before I had DC I thought I'd feed till 6m, and that once a baby could ask with words they were far too old...
4 years later I'm feeding DD1 - 4 in august and at school in sept and DD2 - 4m.
I thought DD1 would stop when I was pg, or when the baby arrived, but she hasn't and I see no good reason to stop giving her milk when she asks if it's convenient - it costs me nothing, I see no reason to deny it to her anymore than I would a cuddle or a kiss or a story.
If she asks when it's not convenient then I tell her not now and that's fine. feeding her isn't a big part of my life, its just something we occasionally do which is comforting to her.

crazycatlady · 23/05/2011 08:29

MillyR I didn't know about Google Scholar, very useful thank you! How did I not know about this Shock

MillyR · 23/05/2011 08:48

CCL, I didn't know about google images for ages after they had invented it!

sausagesandmarmelade · 23/05/2011 09:02

No problem Porphyra...

You are perfectly at liberty to voice an opinion on here, and I think you put your point across really well on the other thread.

Don't be put off from contributing or expressing your point of view...

Porphyria · 23/05/2011 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

knittedbreast · 23/05/2011 11:14

most people dont. there are a few knobs who will insist that either breasts are only for mens eyes/sex and then are also a very few who will condem you to hell for child abuse if you dont bf. rest assured very few of these two groups exisist but people still argue as though they belong to one side!

most people dont, mind, notice or care how you or anyone else feeds their child. and if you are having difficulties with feeding there are lots of people who will offer you advice and kind words if you need them

Supermoo · 23/05/2011 11:55

I'm new here, and was a bit suprised at the ferocity with which people defend/attack feeding choices for babies. But actually, wouldn't it be more strange if people weren't passionate about their parenting choices? All of us (I expect) try to make choices that are the best for our children and ourselves, it kind of makes sense that we defend ourselves in the strongest way if we feel our choices are being criticised.

That said, I'm also a little bit amazed by a few of the opinions I've read!

MillyR · 23/05/2011 12:13

OP, I will give you an answer that is different to the ones you have been given, as you find them unsatisfactory.

It isn't really about breastfeeding at all; you could have exactly the same thread about the behaviour of Muslims, gay people, working mums or people who work in shops. It is about conformity.

Some people are very drawn to conform. They are psychologically most comfortable when they behave in exactly the same way as everyone else. For that to be possible, they need everyone else to do what they do. If someone does something different to them, they perceive it as an attack.

Some of these people are slightly more enlightened and will accept that some people are conforming within a different group. But in order to accept that different conformity, they have to create narrow rules for the subgroup. So they accept a subgroup of women breastfeed, and then create the rule that women who belong to that group breastfeed by covering 90% of their breast while feeding. If a woman does not conform to the subgroup, then she isn't properly part of the subgroup and is perceived as as attack on the conformist person in the mainstream group.

So the woman in the cafe is perceived by conformists as behaving in that way because she is trying to have a negative impact on other people. They assume her actions are directed at them. They assume she is doing it to be rude/make a statement/make other people feel uncomfortable/be an exhibitionist.

It doesn't occur to many conformists that not everyone has a lot of psychological investment in sticking closely to the unspoken rules - it doesn't give everyone psychological comfort to work at fitting in. Maybe the woman was tired from looking after young children and didn't really remember about the rules. Maybe she is so caught up in her own family life that her focus isn't on an arbitrary rule made up by others. Maybe she is just idiosyncratic.

And it is odd that England seems to be becoming more conformist. One of things that used to define us as group was that we were very tolerant of eccentricity, especially when, as with the woman in the cafe, she isn't actually harming anyone else - the harm and hostility is all in the viewer's imagination.