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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want to visit every week

57 replies

Jonnyfan · 21/05/2011 22:15

My DM is 94 and has just moved into a residential home; she is happy with this- DS lives nearby and was visiting daily but she is getting less able to care for herself- and has settled in well. DS visits regularly but we live over an hour away and I work so can only visit at the weekend. Even a couple of hour visit takes about four to five hours. I have work to do at weekends as well as the usual washing/cleaning/cooking /shopping and am beginning to feel that w/e are harder than working days. I suppose I AM being unreasonable to resent the visiting; if I don't go one week I feel guilty and get plaintive phone calls. Go on, tell me..

OP posts:

YellowDinosaur · 21/05/2011 22:19

I don't think YABU. How about every fortnight but make sure that you have plenty of phone calls. Is there any possibility that you could use skype and a webcam if the res home has this set up? Even if your DM is totally useless with computers the staff may be able to help her on the alternate weeks so that it feels more as though you are 'seeing' each other.

Its not unreasonable to want to have time with your own family too and also to have a break when you are working hard.

YellowDinosaur · 21/05/2011 22:19

Also if its every fortnight you could plan to spend the whole day there so that you are having the same amount of time but just less often

Bumfuzzle · 21/05/2011 22:24

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you visit the number of times that you feel are right.

I would say though, having lost my grandparents, and my great grandma, who I loved so much (as I am sure you love your mum so much) that it's very painful when they're gone and the last thing you will need when you are greiving is to be beating yourself up because you feel you should have gone more. - not that I am saying you should do more! I am saying that you need to think about how you are going to feel. So whatever you decide, make sure you are truly happy with it and feel it is right so you don't have that regret.

I feel so guilty because for me, with my great grandma and grandma, it was always "next week." "next time" "next time" then before I knew it, there were no more next times available to me.

It's a mistake I didn't repeat with my grandad.

sims2fan · 21/05/2011 22:26

She's your mother. I could be wrong but I'm guessing that she fed, clothed and cared for you 24/7 for a good few years, so do you really begrudge her a weekly visit now that it's her turn to need you?

Plus, at 94, she may well not have very many years left, and you don't want to end up regretting not spending time with her when you dont have the chance to do it anymore. So I think YABU and should make the effort to see her once a week.

Ingles2 · 21/05/2011 22:26

sounds tough Jonny and I sympathise completely.
My Pils are in their late 80's. They have visited every Sunday pm for dinner for the last 5 years (!) I'm now really busy with work and I'm just too busy to have them for the last couple of weekends but you'd think I was the complete villain of the piece from dh's response.
You must do what you are able...don't sacrifice all your free time, or you'll end up like me, really bitter and resentful.

Ingles2 · 21/05/2011 22:28

it doesn't work like that sims2, you don't expect pay back being a parent, plus life is much much harder these days,time wise, than it was 30/40 years ago.
you do what you can,...

canyou · 21/05/2011 22:34

Jonny speak to the nursing home staff, where my Grandmother was we would be interrupting her music hrs/ sports morning / knitting etc and in the evenings they had cards, prayers and midsommers murders so we had to cut back the visits and did quality over quantity, Plse make the visits enjoyable with happy memories and happy ph calls not resentful, stressed visits.

cat64 · 21/05/2011 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sims2fan · 21/05/2011 22:41

Ingles - I agree that parents don't expect payback but I think it's nice when kids want to acknowledge the sacrifices their parents made for them and help their parents out in their old age. I do understand it's difficult though. Plus I'm not really talking from experience as my mum and I live miles apart and I only see her every 3 months or so! She's much younger than OP's though.

7to25 · 21/05/2011 22:44

I am guessing that you must be in your 50s? Could you drop a day at work or reschedule your week to give you one day a fortnight off so that you could visit for that day and free up your weekends for your own family? This is what a friend of mine in a similar position does.

cannydoit · 21/05/2011 22:46

sorry jonny i have to agree with sims here, really how much trouble is it to put a bit a time aside for your mum?

Original poster

Jonnyfan · 21/05/2011 22:46

Thanks for your replies, you are all so understanding. DM is quite deaf now so it is really a case of her talking on the phone but not able- even with loudspeaker thing- to hear well enough for an actual conversation. I totally agree that she probably does not have many years left, but she has been saying that for about the last twenty years! My DF lived to over 100! I have two DC but my sister has none and does not seem to understand that I have obligations to them too. Also, if I don't go , I feel so GUILTY...aargh! DM won't watch TV, she hasn't put it on since DF died, she does read a lot though. I hate to think of her sitting there wishing I was visiting but the bl*y place drives me mad :(

OP posts:

potoftea · 21/05/2011 22:50

I totally disagree when anyone says you should give back to your parents now as they did so much for you in your youth. They also got joy and happiness from doing that. I get so much happiness and fulfillment from mothering my dc that I don't feel I want payback in my old age. I hope that we will have a good enough relationship that they will want me in their lives, but that is up to both them as adults and me, to work on.

So I think if once a fortnight you can have a relaxed, chatty, loving visit with your mother, it is much more worthwhile than a duty visit every week where you are tired or rushed. And also while there is an obligation to visit her, there is also an obligation to your employer, husband, children and yourself not to be too tired or stressed.

manicbmc · 21/05/2011 22:50

Can you ask her how often she'd like you to visit?

Original poster

Jonnyfan · 21/05/2011 22:50

7to25; that might be an idea, if I could get an afternoon off, I could go on that afternoon on alternate weeks, and then at the w/end the second week. I hate sounding so selfish, I suppose it's the typical part of your life where you are caugh in the middle of two generations who need you.

OP posts:

MirandaGoshawk · 21/05/2011 22:51

Can you get her a radio?

Write to her? It's nice to get letters.

Is there soemone at the home you could talk to about keeping her occupied, perhaps there's someone who'd like to play Scrabble?

MerylStrop · 21/05/2011 22:51

I think you should go as often as you can possibly manage. Would two out of three weekends work? Three out of four? How often does your sister visit?

Original poster

Jonnyfan · 21/05/2011 22:53

manicbmc, she would say "only when you can", but then I would get a call from one of the staff asking what time I will be visiting on Sunday. I know...she's old...there is no answer really..

OP posts:

MirandaGoshawk · 21/05/2011 22:53

Jonny, I feel the same. My Mum is 90 but she does understand that I have two Dch to look after. I spend a lot of time on the phone, just listening to her.

Luckily she is able to go to an exercise class (!) and also has a Scrabble buddy. But I know she's lonely, which is sad.

Original poster

Jonnyfan · 21/05/2011 22:55

Meryl, my sister pops in most days as she lives very close nearby and doesn't work. DM also has other vistors-church folk, friends, my cousins most days of the week.

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manicbmc · 21/05/2011 22:57

I do understand. My ds is in residential care 15 miles away. I don't drive. But only bad weather has stopped me from visiting him every Saturday. He visits me on a Sunday. That's my weekend. But I know how guilty I would feel if I didn't see him.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/05/2011 22:57

You could have another 10 years of this yet.....
I'd do one full day a month...

If your sis is there anyway, and maybe your dc visit now and again? i assume there are people there too she can socialise with. Id talk to the staff and tell them they are paid to look after your mother, they need to encorage her social skills/ social life within the home as you are only one person with a full time job, a home, a husband and children of your own!

megapixels · 21/05/2011 23:00

Well, she's just moved into a home and is 94 years old. Must be quite a difficult and lonely time in her life. If you're getting plaintive calls (is it from her?) then she really wants you there doesn't she? Seems quite sad to just let her be.

Original poster

Jonnyfan · 21/05/2011 23:05

manic- I take my hat off to you, truly! You are lovely! How old is your Dad? Miranda; we got her a lovely radio for Christmas, with big buttons; she can't hear it :( She has hearing aids but can be very deaf sometimes, then better other days.
DC s visit often, she adores them of course, and they often send little notes and postcards too. I know there is no magic wand which will make me feel less guilty but I do appreciate all your replies.

OP posts:

Ingles2 · 21/05/2011 23:05

god I understand the guilt./... Christ we argue about pils even when they;re not here
seriously though, you must allocate equal time to your home/ children / job as your mother. Do not burn yourself out visting your dm it doesn't help you, your family or your mum

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