Not to want to visit every week

[Jonnyfan]

My DM is 94 and has just moved into a residential home; she is happy with this- DS lives nearby and was visiting daily but she is getting less able to care for herself- and has settled in well. DS visits regularly but we live over an hour away and I work so can only visit at the weekend. Even a couple of hour visit takes about four to five hours. I have work to do at weekends as well as the usual washing/cleaning/cooking /shopping and am beginning to feel that w/e are harder than working days. I suppose I AM being unreasonable to resent the visiting; if I don't go one week I feel guilty and get plaintive phone calls. Go on, tell me..

and i'm sure most employers would allow you to leave at 5 once a week for this purpose, they have a duty to staff with 'caring responsibilities' which this isn't exactly, but it's close.

OP - I think you've already mentioned cards and writing to her. I used to work in a nursing home and remember one old lady being absolutely delighted with a letter and wanting to read it over and over.

I'd also make sure that, if you cant visit, she's got stuff to do in her room as a lot of the people I worked with spend a long time sitting by themselves (although this was a home where residents generally had quite bad dementia and couldn't carry on a conversation with each other). Stuff like making sure she has tapes to listen to/DVDs/books and that the staff will put them on for her if needed would help. If you've got any copies of home videos she might like to watch them too?

None of this is the same as a visit of course, but if you need to miss a week then sending her something might make her feel less neglected and you feel less bad.

I visited my mother once a week for 10 years (160 mile round trip) and then 5 days out of 7 when she moved to a residential home a few miles away. She died recently,a nd I am very glad that I know I did as much for her as I can. I have a sibling who is having a very hard time (and giving others a hard time) because he feels guilty about not visiting often.

So have all the people giving the OP a hard time had experience of being a 200+ mile round trip away from aging parents, working FT, looking after their own family & visting their parents every week for years on end?

I was a 280 mile round trip away from DF & DM & used to visit fortnightly for years, it's exhausting, I can't imagine doing it weekly. (DB & I used to do alternate weekends - he was a 220 mile round trip in the opposite direction.) I never begrudged doing it, but it does take up a huge part of your "free" time & you can end up feeling you are pulled in all directions & not giving anyone (your DH/P, DC, parents, work, friends) enough of your attention, never mind having any time for yourself.

OP, you need to work out what is doable for what could be years yet. If that is once a fortnight, then so be it & try not to feel guilty (easier said than done I know!) The letter writing suggestion is a great idea too :)

Thank you all for your lovely replies. I went this afternoon- singing at the top of my voice to Simon and Garfunkel and giggling about the "horse on seventh avenue" (you may have read the thread related to this!). Found DM in a great mood and took her and her wheelchair (she can walk a little way) to the park where we had tea and I got a mighty lot of exercise pushing her in the sun and breeze for a couple of hours. Returned her in time for her supper and she was urging me to get off home. Felt virtuous but bad about moaning !

Nice one!

I am so glad that you had a good afternoon, that sounds like ye had a good time, quality over quantity will give you lovely memories