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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want to visit every week

57 replies

Jonnyfan · 21/05/2011 22:15

My DM is 94 and has just moved into a residential home; she is happy with this- DS lives nearby and was visiting daily but she is getting less able to care for herself- and has settled in well. DS visits regularly but we live over an hour away and I work so can only visit at the weekend. Even a couple of hour visit takes about four to five hours. I have work to do at weekends as well as the usual washing/cleaning/cooking /shopping and am beginning to feel that w/e are harder than working days. I suppose I AM being unreasonable to resent the visiting; if I don't go one week I feel guilty and get plaintive phone calls. Go on, tell me..

OP posts:

megapixels · 21/05/2011 23:05

"You could have another 10 years of this yet.....
I'd do one full day a month..."

What does ^that^ mean? Don't do too much because she might be inconsiderate and live a long life?

Original poster

Jonnyfan · 21/05/2011 23:11

Haaaa I don't suppose she meant it that way. She COULD live to 104 I suppose

OP posts:

manicbmc · 21/05/2011 23:12

Not dad, who sadly has been gone for nearly 15 years now - it's my son who's in residential care. He's at the very severe end of ASD.

I think, under the circumstances, that once a fortnight is reasonable. What if you need to go away/have a holiday/have to go to hospital and she is used to weekly visits? It'd be harder on her if she's used to you being there every single weekend I think.

Ingles2 · 21/05/2011 23:15

I didn;t post that but of course not... it means don't go crazy thinking this could be her last birthday / xmas /weekend etc etc.
We were told mil was life limited 3 yrs ago... no sign of her going yet but I have given up my weekend and my young children's weekend for years!
Just do what you can without totally prostrating yourself.
Anyway am off to bed now, night.

Original poster

Jonnyfan · 21/05/2011 23:17

So sorry manic, I should read more carefully. How sad for you; I hope you both get something from the visits. I think I need to develop more patience, I may have to listen to the same stories and answer the same questions every week for ten years, but I know I will be sad when she's not there to ask them anymore.

OP posts:

Decorhate · 21/05/2011 23:18

Jonny I can sympathize as I am in a similar situation - in my case it's an aunt rather than a parent. She is not in a home (which makes it worse really) & has very little family in this country. I had to go to visit her every weekend for a couple of months as she was unwell & needed checking up on. I don't mind doing it but can't continue to visit weekly - popping in for an hour can take at least 4 hours out of my weekend...

My kids are still quite young & tbh I need to put them first.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/05/2011 23:18

Haha, sorry.

My mates Gdad has finally popped off, He has been doing 'this will be my last.....'' for her whole life! She is 30! He died at the grand old age of 102...
To me a mardy old person is the same as a mardy middle aged/ teen/ toddler and not someone that i will want to spend the majority of my free time with. I know that makes me heartless, but luckily my parents worst nightmare is becoming the burden to us that their parents were to them. Not very pc but honest.

So, my, 'you might have another 10 years of this' means that Id find a level i was happy with for the long run, not on the basis that things may end abruptly. Things could always end abruptly, with everyone in your life, find a balance to enjoy them all.

Decorhate · 21/05/2011 23:21

And I think that as your sister is closer & vusirs frequently & she has lots of other visitors you shouldn't feel guilty. Have you always visited her weekly or just since she moved into the home?

SparklyCloud · 21/05/2011 23:21

canyou your grandmothers home sounds fantastic!

Original poster

Jonnyfan · 21/05/2011 23:26

Decorhate; I have visited at least once a week for the past 18 months- since DF became unwell and went into a nursing home. Before that it was less frequent. DM does comment that I don't visit as often as my sister; I have to remind her each time that I GO TO WORK! (admits to being a bit mardy at this)

OP posts:

pinkstarlight · 22/05/2011 01:19

sounds very difficult is there any chance you could move your mum to a home nearer to you ,does seem a little unfair its falling on your ds.

MadamDeathstare · 22/05/2011 01:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tomhardyismydh · 22/05/2011 01:38

how old are your Dcs?

lesley33 · 22/05/2011 02:01

I know it is hard, but tbh I would do it. I visit my GIL every week. Its not so far away so only takes 2.5 hours a week, but it still means we are limited on what we can do on the Saturday. But I know she is lonely and looks forward to our visits.

Could you pay a cleaner so that the rest of the weekend you can actually enjoy as a family.

lesley33 · 22/05/2011 02:05

And we do go away for weekends. I don't thinkvisiting weekly makes it harder if we go away for a weekend. When my own gran went into a home I couldn't visit very often - we live over 200 miles away. But I always used to write a weekly chatty letter which I know she appreciated. It takes very little time to do as well - she was pretty deaf so the phone wasn't an option.

lesley33 · 22/05/2011 02:08

Just to say I don't think the idea of going for a full day once a month is a good one. Most people at this age get tired quickly and would find a full days visit far too much and even a bit of an ordeal.

Another thing my parents used to do when they visited my gran every week for years (about 70 minutes drive each way) was have a meal out or do something nice like that on the way back, so they still felt they had a bit of time to themselves on that day.

ilovesooty · 22/05/2011 02:10

I feel for you. When my mum wasn't managing at home I visited every weekend (250 mile round trip). I work full time and am self employed on top: my sister works 4 days, lives 20 miles away and went less often. Now she's in a home I go for a day every month. When I went today she insisted on being taken out to the supermarket - her mobility is virtually non-existent and she flatly refused to use a wheelchair. I feel really guilty at not going more often, but really I am going as much as I feel I can. She won't have a phone in her bedroom because she's still insisting that we've "put her away" and she's going back home. I'd feel much happier if I could phone her in between (she won't use the mobile I bought her).

Hope you do find a solution that works for you.

lesley33 · 22/05/2011 02:15

250 miles round trip is a very long trip to do every weekend. My uncle lived about 20 minutes away from the home my gran was in and very rarely visited, unlike my mum dadand me who lived much further away and visited more frequently. Its sad when people don't bother about their parents - assuming of course no past history of abuse, etc.

ilovesooty · 22/05/2011 02:20

Thanks, lesley33 It did feel a long trip but I did it gladly for several months because I couldn't let her struggle. My sister and I did a lot of heartsearching before my mum went to residential care and she was in and out of hospital, respite, home care - we tried the lot. I got into trouble at work too because she was phoning me several days a week demanding I come down immediately. She's much safer in the home but of course she can't see that.

porcamiseria · 22/05/2011 08:56

can you not visit fortnightly but take a half day off every few weeks and visit her in the afternoon. thats what holiday is for surely? its hard managing FT work, aging parents and family. BUT I think you should make an effort and a half day holiday a month means some extra quality time

lesley33 · 22/05/2011 09:55

ilovesooty - Yes I think you were right to do it even though it sounds a struggle. After all we do these things because we or our DH loves our mum/gran/other relative. It isn't just a practical problemas some posters seemto see it.

2posh · 22/05/2011 10:04

How old are your DC? If your DM is 94 then I am guessing your DC might be in their twenties - share the load and ask them to go once a month each and you can fill in the gaps.

I know it is difficult btw, I feel the same about my DM who also needs help and I hardly ever seem to go - 250 mile trip and I have school aged DC at home and other needy relatives BUT I am a SAHM and I know I could make the time. It's tough finding time for things that are not immediately attractive [guilt emoticon].

Incidentally, how was your DM to you when you were a child? Do you have mixed emotions?

PfftTheMagicDragon · 22/05/2011 10:09

Can you take her out somewhere?

WhoAteMySnickers · 22/05/2011 10:36

If your DM is 94 then I'm guessing you are late 50's/early 60's and your DC are at least in their 20's.

I don't think once a week split between you and your DC is too much to ask.

fluffles · 22/05/2011 10:40

if you leave work at 5pm on the dot you could be with her just after six, stay for 45mins and be home by 8.30pm.

i think that quicker weekday visits would make your weekends much more relaxing for you.

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