to want to find another home for my cats

[drivenmadbycats]

I know people are going to read the title and be angry, but please hear me out as to be honest, I'm at my wit's end here. I have had to change my usual nickname because of some finer details, so I apologise for that.

I have two daughters with less than two years between them as DD2 was premature. To be honest, it was touch and go for a while. I applied for part time hours in my teaching job but was turned down and, given that we'd nearly lost our baby, were keen to have some stability for both girls with me at home full time "and anyway, I can always go back to teaching" said I so brightly at the time. That's proved impossible since I don't have recent experience, and I can't do day to day supply because of childcare issues and I don't drive. We don't have very much money, therefore.

This is relevant to the cats situation because we also have two cats who we got because we are honestly loving people who wanted to give a loving and caring home to animals. Unfortunately, since the girls arrived, Cat1 has made it clear he is terrified of them. He just about tolerated DD1 but now that a pre schooler and a toddler are crashing around, he spends the majority of his time bolting for the cat flap. The girls don't torment him but (when they were babies/young toddlers) they would often shriek in joy when they saw him and I think he associates them with noise (understandably.) I love Cat1 very much, he is a loving and gentle cat with adults but it petrified of children. I have tried a diffuser for stress from the vet's but it hasn't made a difference. We live in a three storey house and he has numerous 'quiet' places such as the airing cupboard, our bedroom - to go to, but he just spends his days outside and when he is in, he creeps around looking so scared.

Cat2 is a far bigger problem. The worst thing about him is that he does his business repeatedly in the house and at the moment, has targeted the girls' bedroom as his litter tray. Like cat1 he has a litter tray and the cat flap is available but he doesn't seem to want to use it. The carpets upstairs are ruined because of this cat and the worse one is the girls' carpet. I've had them professionally cleaned but the smell was ingrained and he just promptly started to use it again. I'm so paranoid that the girls clothes and hair smells. My house smells, I notice as soon as we walk in a lingering scent of cat wee and poo, and it makes me feel dirty and so, so worried that the girls will get ill. My youngest has trodden in it before now. As well as this horrible habit, he also jumps up onto the table and takes food from our plates so if (for example) I take a glass or plate through to the kitchen, I can come back to see him tucking in. That's a minor consideration and can generally be avoided by putting him out but it does make meal times a bit more stressful.

I really would welcome advice, but to be frank we don't have the money for expensive behavioural therapies, we're barely making ends meet as it is and I have to sell things on ebay every week just to keep us afloat. Please don't tell me what a selfish, irresponsible person I am, as I'm honestly not like that at all. I've been putting up with this for years because I can't bear the thought of rehoming them but faced with a £700 bill for a replacement carpet I'm afraid I'm reaching my limit. Please, help us.

or put the cats in the bathroom with a bed and litter tray at night as bathrooms are easier rooms to clean my cats are not allowed in the bedrooms and four of them sleep quite happily in the bathroom at night , also when you go out put the cats in the bathroom then they wont have access to the bedrooms when the house is empty

I know how upsetting this is. After a year of watching my beautiful siameses get unhappier and more stressed by DD, I rehomed them. The male Siamese was spraying and fighting the neighbourhood cats, and fighting his sister. He was frustrated I was at home all day but he couldn't sit with me as I had a baby on my knee, who he hated. I put an ad in the paper and chose someone with children who had Siamese before. Now when I've visited he is so happy! ( but I'm still devastated). My female Siamese I kept for a big longer to see if she would be better alone but she continued to hide all day from DD and was nervous all the time. Both of their behaviour was so different from before DD. It really broke my heart to see them like that. I rehomed her to another family with older DD who had Siamese in the past.
Now I'm catless for the first time, and not so happy about it. But the relief not to have to clean up another fight wound, or wipe up spray is big, and I know they are happier too.
I'd recommend using the paper to find a home, not a shelter as they are too overstretched.

The cats are unhappy, you're unhappy.
Your children are sharing a bedroom with cat poo and piss.
It's a no brainer .

I had 2 cats and a prem baby and just couldn't cope with all 3 so I rehomed the cats.
I'm much happier and I'm sure they are.
I can't believe you've put up with this nightmare situation for so long really.

Have you tried a Felliway? Our vet recommended one as one of our cat is a bit neurotic and kept weeing on the fresh laundry.... I hope this link works:

www.amazon.co.uk/Feliway-Feline-Facial-Pheromone-Diffuser/dp/B001A30AR4/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1306003005&sr=8-2

I can sympathise with the weeing everywhere (and our cat also likes to inhale her food and then throw it up on the living room floor - even when we were having a viewing for selling our house! ) But somehow we seemed to have got her under control (for the time being!)

I do agree with the posters here though, who say that if you're stressed and the cats are obviously stressed, then rehoming isn't an unkind thing to do. Cats actually prefer to live on their own, not with other cats, so maybe even finding cat no. 2 a new home (with no children!) would solve the problems with cat no. 1?

Good luck and don't feel bad!

Well, Lady, aren't you just a joy? Why don't you jog on and find something else to be horrid about? Sympathy is clearly not your forte... Maybe you should get back in your radiator...?

I don't think any good cat owner would reach this decision point easily. I'm not sure the door is the key to happiness for cats or OP?

Op, as a behaviourist and someone who has worked in rescue centres for years, my advice is to re-home. It is much kinder for the cats, and also kinder to you and your family. Why are peole trying to make you invest time, money and effort into making a terrible living situation (for the cats) slightly more bearable, rather than doing the really brave thing and allowing them to be happy in a quiet, adult only home? There is so much judgeyness around rehoming but I have dealt with many heartbroken owners who have made this decision and it has been the right one for their pets, due to circumstances changing (as they do, due to job changes, divorce, children etc). I would re-home via a reputable rescue centre which specialises in cats. Good luck

Yanbu. Just get them rehomed. You will be much happier. You'd have to be a saint not to get pissed off with cat piss and poo.

Thank fuck a couple of people with brains have said to rehome the cats. Of course the OP has no other option so why do the cat brigade have to wade in with their sentimental shit and make her feel worse than she already does? God you're all so fucking superior - she's rehoming them not killing them!

Thank you so much for the sympathetic replies, I really do appreciate them as I can't stress how awful I feel about this.

Lady, perhaps I didn't explain myself too well. We have absolutely no spare money and out of our meagre budget, we have had to replace all upstairs carpets which have been wee'd and pood on by cat2. I'm not exactly sure how much a new door costs but if I combine that with the £700 for the new carpets, the fact I had to replace the Moses basket on two different occasions due to the cat pooing and weeing in it and some other factors as well you may understand why I don't want to spend yet MORE money trying to solve this problem.

Coccyx, yes, I want to rehome them because I don't want cat poo and cat wee in a place where my daughters sleep, especially given the youngest is prone to illness due to being born prematurely. I don't care if it's in a litter tray or not, it disgusts me. If you look at the ages of my DDs (almost 3 and 1) this isn't a new situation, it's one I've been working with, trying to resolve and beating myself up about for years. What you're seeing today in my posts is just desperation and guilt - guilt for the cats, for the children, for everything. I feel like I've failed everything and everybody I love and care about. I've made my cats unhappy by having the girls, I've let the girls live in a shit and piss infested room for ages because I feel so guilty about letting the cats go, and I can't even get a job so I can pay enough money to pay an expert to sort this problem out. So yes, I am extremely unhappy about the whole situation and just feel a failure.

Thanks Borninafrica :)

You are obviously very emotional and perhaps in hindsight posting on aibu and asking for opinions wasn't such a good idea. You sound like you wanted to justify it - you'll always get some people agreeing and disagreeing with this sort of decision. Hopefully you have enough opinions agreeing with you so that you can make the decision that is best for your family with your guilt alleviated.

I probably did rainbow, I don't know if I am emotional exactly. It's just very hard with this particular situation. Family, and even some friends, are horrified that I have let the situation go on as long as it has. When I posted elsewhere about it, I was flamed for being an irresponsible cat owner. I was genuinely interested in the views on here and wondered if they might be more like my family. I think the problem is people assume there's something you haven't tried or should trial, but we can't afford to!

as else said get the cats names on waiting lists for cat rescue centers the waiting lists will be quite long though as most centers are hard pressed at this time of year with kitten season in full swing, i work at haworth cat rescue and our waiting list is about 5-6 months and if you do manage to get them into a center make sure that the center gets full knowledge of the problem and stress that the cats would probably be better rehomed seperately and in non child and possibly non dog homes and not all of us have suggested expensive or time consuming suggestions i suggested what works with my six horrid mogs wont work for everyone

Thanks, Issey.

The truth is that while I can cope with cat1 easily, I'm worried about HIM, if you see what I mean. I'd love to keep him but am worried he is stressed and frightened.

Cat2 is the one who if I'm honest with myself I do want to rehome.

cat 1 a lot of cats arnt keen on children my cats are bolshy sods but they see my grandchildren come down the garden and they vamoosh fast so maybe rehome cat 2 first as he is the one making the mess in the bedroom and yes i can see your point about where he is messing not nice for the kids or you and if cat 1 dosent settle a bit more then rehome him i had kids before cats so all of mine have been used to kids from the get go

I don't usually agree with rehoming any animal as I feel people who take on animals should be prepared to be responsible for them. However, I do think in this instance it would be better for the cats to be in only cat households and with no children.

That said, OP, please don't ever get another cat as it does seem clear that you aren't a suitable home for them or properly commited to them. Your replies give the impression this is for your convenience as much as the cats' welfare. A lot of the problems that bother you have simple solutions, such as extra litter trays and keeping doors shut.

you totally have my sympathy. one of my cats is just like your cat1 - he spends all day hiding and running from my 3yr old and nearly 2yr old. we don't have a cat flap so they're indoors mostly and we're also in a 3storey house so at least he can get up to the top floor where the kids aren't allowed. he's always been terrified of strangers but is the cutest, soppiest thing ever so overall he is a happy cat. there has been vague mention of moving abroad for dh's job and the thought of rehoming my cats broke my heart. then they spent a weekend with my parents! he was a totally different animal, he loved it, he spent all day being spoilt rotten and was visibly disappointed to come home!! fortunately for us though feliway works a treat. we had a bad patch with him weeing/pooing on the only decent patch of carpet in the house but feliway sorted him, otherwise i would probably be in your situation. he has also got a bit better as the boys are getting older but they do make a game of chasing our other cat round the house and garden - i think she is a willing participant though.

Have been astounded at some of the suggestions so far. A litter tray in a child's bedroom?? On any other thread people would be threatening to call social services.
OP of course you have to get rid of your cats. You have tried your best and quite frankly you have to put your family first. A house smelling of cat shit and filthy carpets is not ideal.
Don't beat yourself up about it. As a child we had 2 cats who had been rehomed to us from else where. They both had very happy contented long lives with us. Rehoming is hardly a death sentence

I'd find a new home only for cat 2 and see if cat 1 chills a bit on his/her own.
Our cat was highly stressed when we got our puppy and pretty much lived in the garden for more than a year, We seriously thought we'd have to rehome her for her sake, but finally cat realised that dog was not an abomination (and was it fact quite a cuddly warm cushiony thing). They are very much friends now and curl up together and also work in a team to get rid of neighbour cats who dare step foot in the garden.

Your dds will be less alarming and less noisy within a couple of years. I bet cat 1 will learn to tolerate (if not love) them.

OP - I have no problem with you rehoming the cats - I've told you who to try for a start. What I DO have a problem with tbh is that you've let it get to this point and seem unable to take responsibility for it. If you want to rehome them then do so - but don't do so because you can't be bothered to try to fix this. A litter tray in the bedroom would be needed for only a short time and you can clear out the used litter immediately. The advice I and other posters have given you on this topic is not rocket (or cat) science. It's totally standard cat behaviour advice that you will find if you google it. I'm a bit non-plussed as to why you've not at least tried this tbh.

Oh and tiredlady - no she hasn't tried her best. Sorry but she hasn't.