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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to celebrate my birthday with my friend but not her son?

60 replies

jugofwildflowers · 21/05/2011 12:51

I rang my friend to say I really want her to come and her daughter (my other friends and children are coming too) but I couldn't extend the invitation to her 11 year old son because of past incidences which she's aware of (and apologised for).

She said she understood and would try to get a play date for him for that day. Now I just feel mean. But the truth is I simply could not invite him and enjoy my birthday worrying about what he might do as she never supervises him.

OP posts:
deliakate · 21/05/2011 12:58

What did he do?

ManicAnnie · 21/05/2011 12:58

Bit tricky to say if we don't know what he's done.

BeerTricksPotter · 21/05/2011 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bubblecoral · 21/05/2011 13:00

Depends on what he has done in the past, and if there is a SN or not.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/05/2011 13:01

OP... Is this a permanent state of affairs or is he being 'rehabilitated' in some way? Perhaps it's a question of him just not being able to be around you any more full stop, because of what he's done previously?

Either way, your friend knows and has apologised, so presumably she wouldn't be expecting him to be able to attend your birthday.

GypsyMoth · 21/05/2011 13:13

all depends on what he's done doesnt it,cant say yes or no untill we know more

ZZZenAgain · 21/05/2011 13:16

it is a bit unusual IME but she seems to have understood and been ok with it

WhoAteMySnickers · 21/05/2011 13:16

Your friend obviously doesn't think YABU, surely that's all that matters?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/05/2011 13:18

I don't think we need to know more, Tiffany... OP knows, her friend knows... you're just being n-o-s-e-y... Grin

Eglu · 21/05/2011 13:20

Not really enough info to judge tbh.

ENormaSnob · 21/05/2011 13:20

Yanbu to not want him there.

She is nbu to decline your invitation.

Original poster
jugofwildflowers · 21/05/2011 13:28

It's difficult isn't it, but why does it matter if he has SN? Am I an even meaner person if I cannot cope with an unsupervised child with SN? I have a friend with an autistic dd who I'll always invite, her SN doesn't bother me one bit.

He's undiagnosed, but his school thinks possibly, mild Aspergers. None of this would worry me if he was supervised, but when my friend comes round she likes to enjoy herself and have a break from him.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 21/05/2011 13:29

but why are you asking AIBU when she was fine with it?

GypsyMoth · 21/05/2011 13:33

lyinwitch....wasnt just me asking tho!!!

amberleaf · 21/05/2011 13:33

Is she fine with it though or is she just being polite to you on the phone until she can hang up and cry or take a deep breath and get on with it as parents in this sort of situation often do?

Your birthday...your choice but if i were your friend id tell you to stick it TBH.

Original poster
jugofwildflowers · 21/05/2011 13:34

She was perfectly fine with it but I feel terribly mean because I should be able to cope with everyone's children and not just exclude her son OMG.

OP posts:
bubblecoral · 21/05/2011 13:35

To me it would make a difference if he has SN because it would be unfair to a child to exclude him for behaviour he has no control over, even if you don't like being in his presence. If he does have control over his behaviour, then it is fair enough to exclude him if he has persistantly and knowingly behaved badly. My ds does have aspergers, so I know it can be difficult, and although he doesn't always understand why he has to follow certain rules, he knows he has to. If he chooses not to, he faces the consequences, but if he was bad enough that he genuinely didn't understand, I would be upset if a friend wanted to exclude him from a celebration for something he can't help.

In this situation your friend does seem to understand, and she should do more to supervise him, but I would think that even if she doesn't show it, she is a little hurt that her loved son can't be part of things that NT children can be part of without her having to sacrifice having a nice time.

walesblackbird · 21/05/2011 13:36

As long as she was fine with it - and from what you say she understands your reasons - then I'd go with it.

One of my children has some additional needs and can be a pain to manage to be frank! I suspect I would be a little upset if someone did exclude him but I would fully understand why.

ZZZenAgain · 21/05/2011 13:36

she might have difficulty organising a playdate

fairydoll · 21/05/2011 15:11

I think if you were truly a friend you would appreciate her DS is part of the package and put up with him for her sake. i would imagine she is perhaps feeling hurt by your request.i think i would be.

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 21/05/2011 18:03

I suspect that the OP would be happy to have him over if the mother supervised him. YANBU

wikolite · 21/05/2011 18:05

YANBU its your birthday

cannydoit · 21/05/2011 18:26

kind of cruel to exclude only one child, either exclude them all or grin and bare it. unless what the child had done was really heinous in which case i am sure your friend would understand but i think it would have to be pretty bad.

youngwomanwholivesinashoe · 21/05/2011 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ManicAnnie · 21/05/2011 19:08

I don't want to flame you, but I have to be totally honest - I wouldn't count you as a true friend if I were her.

You could make arrangements to see her in an adult only environment - a bar or whatever - if you want to see her without her child - easy to do. You don't have to include her child in your friendship. But to invite her to an otherwise child-friendly event but exclude her child? Really insesitive and quiet cruel.

If I were her, I wouldn't want to be friends with you.

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