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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to celebrate my birthday with my friend but not her son?

60 replies

jugofwildflowers · 21/05/2011 12:51

I rang my friend to say I really want her to come and her daughter (my other friends and children are coming too) but I couldn't extend the invitation to her 11 year old son because of past incidences which she's aware of (and apologised for).

She said she understood and would try to get a play date for him for that day. Now I just feel mean. But the truth is I simply could not invite him and enjoy my birthday worrying about what he might do as she never supervises him.

OP posts:

ManicAnnie · 21/05/2011 19:08

quite cruel

Having SN has a huge impact on this, btw. You 'can't cope' with her autistic child. Poor you

debinaboat · 21/05/2011 19:10

not sure if i can explain this very well but i think if the boy has sn and needs to be supervised, then the person at fault is the mother for not supervising.your invitation should have included the boy but with the mothers agreement that she would be looking after him. seems a terrible shame that her son is held accountable for behaviour he perhaps cant fully control without help. maybe your invitation should have been conditional, then if she wanted to come she knew what she had to do.puting the onus on her rather than the boy. how will he ever learn to socialise well if she isnt prepared to help him? personally if my son was not welcome then i would not be going to the party.

Notsohotanymore · 21/05/2011 19:11

Not sure what the boy has done...if you were my friend though I would tell you where to stick your party.My children would always come first.

manicbmc · 21/05/2011 19:14

If she won't supervise her possibly ASD child, then the mother is at fault. My ds has severe ASD and I wouldn't dare have left him unsupervised for a minute. Yes, she may well need a break from him but it shouldn't be at other peoples' expense.

amberleaf · 21/05/2011 19:28

The OP says hes not yet diagnosed?

So maybe the mother is going through [and has been for some time when the other 'incidents' have happened] a process of trying to be 'normal' in how she handles her son.

If you have been in this situation you will know that as much as you may know something is not right with your child its still a learning process and a process of acceptance.

Lots of parents of children with ASDs end up not bothering to socialise any more because they realise you cant just go along and let the kids go off and play like Neurotypical kids do.

Maybe her lack of supervision is her trying not to react to certain behaviors as she knows it will exacerbate the problem?

Understanding friends are priceless when you have a child with ASDs

Non understanding ones are the ones who you sadly lose as you go along the journey of life with a child with ASDs.

compo · 21/05/2011 19:34

Who celebrates birthdays with kids anyway?
Or do you mean a family event like a BBQ
I'd rather go to a wine bar

compo · 21/05/2011 19:35

I think it's mean to invite just one kid though
invite the whole family or none if them if it's a family thing
or give her a break and have adult only birthday

Oblomov · 21/05/2011 19:35

YANBU.
I can't believe that mother hasn't offered to supervise him more. Many people with SN children say their children are excluded. But this woman has the chance to keep him included if she only made a bit of effort. Most people with SN say people just don't invite them, without having actually talked about why. You have done, talked about it, but she hasn't changed her behaviour at all. Poor boy.
Ds1 is being assessed currently, and if someone said to me, what you did to her, I would be mortified. But I would be glad to be told. And i would try harder.

ManicAnnie · 21/05/2011 19:47

Sometimes 'trying harder' doesnt work and you just need understanding friends.

amberleaf · 21/05/2011 19:51

If only 'trying harder' made it all better.

TidyDancer · 21/05/2011 20:15

My guess is that the friend has said she has understood because she knows that if she caused a scene, she would lose friends over this. It's really rather hard to judge whether YABU or not, because we don't know the severity of the behaviour that has gone on in the past, or what the mum has done (or not done) to curb it or attempt to curb it.

I can't help but feel that the mum must be hurting to hear that her friends can't tolerate her DS though. I think you need to make the birthday either 'all inclusive' or adults only. Unless the child in question has done something truly heinous, I don't think it's right to exclude him.

KittySpencer · 21/05/2011 20:22

Whilst YANBU to find this child hard work (I could say that of most children I know) I think specifically not inviting him but inviting lots of other children is a bit harsh.

I would have taken the approach of making it an adults only celebration. Same end result but less hurtful to a friend who, if she's waiting on a diagnosis for her DS, is probably having a hard enough time already.

Oblomov · 21/05/2011 20:23

No, I know it doesn't make it much better. but the parents need to try at least. And yes you need understanding friends. But Op made it sound, 'unsupervised', as if friend wasn't really taking enough care. I mean everyone needs to try, to supervise, whether your child is SN or not.
We would say it was not o.k., if Op said, had a bbq, woman was not supervising child at all, whilst child ran riot and hurt other children.
Every child needs supervising, sn or not.

Vev · 21/05/2011 22:22

Poor friend - she must feel awful, one of her children invited and the other excluded. Surely the grown ups could muck in and help with his behaviour. YABU.

Original poster

jugofwildflowers · 22/05/2011 00:04

Thank you for your feedback, on balance I think I did the right thing but in doing so I have definitely been unkind and not a good friend.
But I have a large place, loads of animals and their babies and outbuildings.

The fact that she doesn't supervise him has been a sore point not just for me
but for others in our circle. When her assistance is needed she will generally just yell at him from her chair. She just wants to relax and have a good time when she comes here.

OP posts:

Morloth · 22/05/2011 00:16

I think if other kids are coming then you need to view your friend and her son as a package deal. So either make it adults only and just invite friend or don't invite their family at all.

What you have done is very unkind and I wouldn't be surprised if your friend is deeply hurt but doesn't want to lose a friendship.

bubblecoral · 22/05/2011 00:25

How can being unkind and not being a good friend be the right thing?

Couldn't you have just said 'I'd love for you all to come but would you mind keeping a closer eye on Johnny because the children are all likely to be a bit over excited because it's a party'?

If she understands you not inviting her son, surely she would understnd that without having to feel quite so hurt at the same time?

Original poster

jugofwildflowers · 22/05/2011 10:55

Like I said before, her supervision amounts to shouting from her chair in the first few minutes, then he's left to his own devices. That has never changed in the 10 years I've known her nor is it ever likely to change as she says, she comes to a party to relax and have a break from him.

He absolutely cannot be trusted around toddlers or animals. I've had a dreadful experience before, and now he's taller and heavier than me.

I even considered not having a party at all this year because of this issue but my friends love coming here with their dc and bank on me to throw a party they can all come to.

I think I'll call the friendship a day if it comes to it as I'm very sorry about this indeed, as definitely, with 5 dc of my own plus the party it seems a lot to supervise already.

She is a lovely person and definitely deserves a better friend than me.

OP posts:

hanaka88 · 22/05/2011 12:43

She does. Your right.

hanaka88 · 22/05/2011 12:49

My DS has autism. A boy in his school but not in his reception class who is not even 5 yet told his mum 'i want to invite x's DS because sometimes he is naughty but he has Special Needs and can't help it'

he is not even 5 yet and more undertanding then you.

mypersonalfavourite · 22/05/2011 14:18

YANBU. If he's actually a danger to toddlers and animals she should be making the effort to move from her chair. He is her responsibilty at a busy party. As a good friend you could offer to help her out in other situation i.e. look after him for a bit for her but at the party she's not being fair to you or anyone else there.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 22/05/2011 14:28

Sounds like it's not the child's fault - he isn't getting any guidance of how to behave in others' houses. The poo wee lad.

YABU.

TakeItOnTheChins · 22/05/2011 14:28

So because this child has Special Needs, the OP should just put up with him being a danger to toddlers and animals?

Because of course toddlers and animals don't mind putting up with who knows what, so long as you explain that the perpetrator has SN.

DoMeDon · 22/05/2011 14:39

Your friend is aware that he has behaved unacceptably in the past and does nothing to prevent it in the present - that is not your fault. It is not the same as saying 'I don't ever want to see your son' which WBU, it is saying 'I don't want him at my party as you do not parent him effectively'. All the other DC, animals and adults want to enjoy themselves too, not just your friend. I can understand she needs a break but she cannot leave her child unsupervised and (from what it sounds like) hurting others.

My oldest, closest friend and I are no longer freinds as I couldn't cope with her DC. They were violent, abusive and she dealt with it really badly. I hated being around them and I couldn't say 'I love you but I hate being with them'. It's so sad but parenting can be a real divider of people.

cannydoit · 22/05/2011 14:47

my 2nd dd is asd when she was younger she was a total nightmare (no other word for it) screaming, biting (to draw blood), hitting, head butting floors, putting herself in dangerous positions. she also had no concept of not doing these things to people smaller than her, i distinctly remember her poking a baby in the eye because it was crying. it was a horrible time of my life, not only did i feel like a awful mother but i felt sure everyone else must do too. happily my friends never excluded me or my daughter from things regardless of her behaviour, because they loved me and her regardless. your friend does sound a bit lacks in her supervision of her son especially as her is older, as i recall you needed to have one eye and ear on them at all times, but the fact you are willing to call the friendship a day because of it tells me more about you tbh.

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