to want to celebrate my birthday with my friend but not her son?

[jugofwildflowers]

I rang my friend to say I really want her to come and her daughter (my other friends and children are coming too) but I couldn't extend the invitation to her 11 year old son because of past incidences which she's aware of (and apologised for).

She said she understood and would try to get a play date for him for that day. Now I just feel mean. But the truth is I simply could not invite him and enjoy my birthday worrying about what he might do as she never supervises him.

Cannydoit - so what are you suggesting? That the OP goes ahead and invites this child, even though past experience tells her that the likelihood is someone will get hurt? Should SHE perhaps shadow this child, missing her own birthday celebrations in the process, so that his mother can have a nice rest just like she does every other time?

In fact, for all of you who are berating the OP for being a "bad friend" - even though it would appear that the mother of the nightmare child is the one being a bad friend - a question. What would YOU do?

Allowing a child who "absolutely cannot be trusted" around small children and animals to run amok is not being "a bit lacks" (it's "lax", btw) - and why the hell should the OP have to do all the bloody supervising?!

i am a bit concerned that she has been like that for ten years, it sounds a bit like she has just been very lazy about her boy. with or without sn he needed to be supervised as a baby/toddler/young child?perhaps this is a case of bad parenting causing the problem and not sn.i am not saying he doesnt have sn but is it a possibility that he just has not had the attention he has needed all of his life?I am not saying that bad parenting causes sn...but that sometimes it can be hard to tell whether the parent has caused the problems.not all bad behaviours are because of sn.

It seems to me that you have not got a problem with your friends son, but your friend. She is a bloody cow not to supervise her children, SN or not.
I am surprised you keep inviting her, if you she "parents" in such a way that she lets her kids be a nuisance.

quint i think you have put it better than me.

"I don't want to flame you, but I have to be totally honest - I wouldn't count you as a true friend if I were her.

You could make arrangements to see her in an adult only environment - a bar or whatever - if you want to see her without her child - easy to do. You don't have to include her child in your friendship. But to invite her to an otherwise child-friendly event but exclude her child? Really insesitive and quiet cruel.

If I were her, I wouldn't want to be friends with you."

I completely agree with this. To exclude one child from a child friendly event is not on. I'm surprised at your friend putting your demands over her childs feelings though. You must be very very important to her.

thanks take it for catching my spelling mistake there, it was obviously quite important to you and so bad that no one would have understood what i meant.
its kind of a moot point asking that question because no matter what i say i would do you will probably flame it under the guise of why should the original poster have to its her birthday etc. tbh you do have a point there it is her birthday and she should be able to enjoy it, i have a friend and she has a little of a kid i mean he is just horrible, violent and lacks respect and it is mostly down to her parenting, he does behave a lot better at my house because he know i will tell him off, but he always gets an invite because i wouldn't do that my friend. i wouldn't make her feel inadequate as a mother or make her have to choose between coming or not. if when my daughter was at her worst and i had a friend that did not invite me or said you can come and the other kids can come but not dd2 because of her behaviour, i would be hurt by that so as a friend that had, had a difficult child i would never do that to someone else regardless of the circumstances and yes perhaps have to be a little bit more vigilant at my party but enjoy my friends company as well.

that did say shit after little but it went missing

Um, I've skimmed but it sounds to me that the problem is with the mother and not the boy. If he potentially has Aspergers but she does nothing with him to help or keep him in check, then you're excluding the wrong person.

It sounds like you have tried your best. Don"t beat yourself up so much. This situation sounds like an accident waiting to happen. Safety for all the children and animals is paramount and if someone can't be trusted and needs supervising but isn't being supervised then that is not on.

JeremyKyles - do you think that the other mum is being a good friend by letting her son run wild at the OP's house, where he is a danger to toddlers and animals? She's not excluding this child because he behaves badly, but because the mum utterly fails to control him or do anything about his behaviour.

Yes, on the face of it, it does seem mean to include other children and not this lad - but I'm willing to bet that the other children behave reasonably well, and if they don't, their parents do something about it.