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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect babysitting Grandma to get dd home by 7pm and in bed by 8pm?

59 replies

stella1w · 21/05/2011 01:25

My Mum has done very little to help with my 3 yo since she was born (things have been v strained between us since my parents had a nasty divorce during my pg).
However, she does collect my dd once a week from nursery up in town and bring her back to my house so I can work late(r).
She picks her up at 4.30pm and gets back around 5.30pm.
I'd prefer her to bring dd straight home, I let her take dd to her house for a while before coming back to my house (a ten min drive away) BUT to make sure dd back at her house at 7pm to unwind before bed at 8pm.
So of course, my Mum did not bother to bring her home until 8pm and she was still up when I got back at 8.30pm generally having a wired time..
Mum says dd was so tired after nursery she just HAD to watch a 90 min disney film, when of course made things get late and then she HAD to play in the garden.
DD has hard time sleeping - only just managed to get her into routine of bed at 8.30pm and with dc2 about to arrive really need to keep a routine going..
So AIBU to expect Grandma to stick to my routine? Or should I just accept that she's a grandma doing me a favour who can't be bothered to take care of dd as she should be - just wants to have some fun with her once a week?

OP posts:
amberleaf · 21/05/2011 09:14

YABU

Sounds like a nice fun time is had by both on that one evening a week.

You are also very lucky to get free help like this.

Suck it up.

Knackeredmother · 21/05/2011 12:54

You sound very bitter and resentful that your parents divorced. You also come across as having a massive sense of entilement. Your poor mother, helps you out actually quite a lot and you say she hardly helps out at all?
You sound a bit spoilt and ungrateful tbh.

hocuspontas · 21/05/2011 13:05

Remember it's not GPs job 'to help'. They are there to 'indulge' (give treats and surprises) and to be 'indulged' (hugs, affection, precious time). If they help out positively and constructively that's a lucky bonus. IMO.

springbokscantjump · 21/05/2011 13:06

seriously yabu.

Your mom does help out, as I'm sure you've gathered from other posters, a lot more than some. In one breath you say that she does very little, with the next that she doesn't do it right. So if she offered to help out more would you accept it but then moan that it wasn't quite so?

It's a friday night. Your dc is getting time to spend with their grandmother. She's not a babysitter or a childminder and she's not paid for her time. She's doing it because she loves you and your child.

Salmotrutta · 21/05/2011 14:23

I agree with those posters who say you sound ungrateful!

She is helping you - quite a lot actually, if it allows you to work late.

Very glad my DD doesn't react like you and is very thankful for any help we can give with our grandsons. And actually, if she was like you I'd tell her to behave herself!

Nowhere does it state that Grandparents Must Provide Free Chidlcare - most of us do, because we want to. But we'd soon stop wanting to if all our offspring were like you.

PiousPrat · 21/05/2011 14:36

If you had said that Granny was filling your DD full of sweets and coke while smoking, swearing and encouraging her to play shoot em up video games until 3am, I probably would have agreed that Granny was being out of order and should follow your routine. But all she has done is let her granddaughter push the boundaries a bit and stay up later.

That pretty much comes with the job description for GP, surely?

Sure it is annoying when you have to deal with the fall out the next day, but did your grandparents never slip you some sweets behind your mums back? Or vary from your mums strict routine at all, ever? I do think you ABU in expecting your DM to adhere to your routine on her time.

maighdlin · 21/05/2011 14:52

thats what grannies are for. to break all the rules and routines. they probably wanted to do it with you but they had to be firm and good parents, now they are the ones who get spoil them rotten give them sweets at bedtime that is usually 2 hours later than normal.

fairydoll · 21/05/2011 15:04

I think you should justbe pleased that your DD and her GM are spending some nice time together and creating some lovely memories rather than stressing about bedtime once a week.

scampbeast · 21/05/2011 15:33

I think she may just be wanting to make the most of the time with her and by spoiling her and giving in she makes her grandaughter like her. She may not see letting her stay up late as not taking proper care of her and that she will just be more tired and sleep better the next night (I know this doesn't happen but she might not).

I have the same think with my MIL, I have come to accept that it is only once a week and that MIL will pay the price of spoiling my son in the years to come.
As prettycandles says the grandparents don't get to see the aftermath, MIL only stopped giving DS white chocolate after he stayed the night and she realised that I wasn't making it up that he would be up crying in the night with a sore tummy.
I may have to get a hold of one of those fridgemagnets prettycandles mentioned.

Sassybeast · 21/05/2011 15:36

Your attitude stinks. You claim she does very little to help you yet she looks after your daughter once a week so that you can work ? Who will be looking after your DD when you are in labour with DC2?

TidyDancer · 21/05/2011 15:47

You sound horrible, tbh, OP. Your mum is doing you a massive favour and your DD is having a lovely time with her. And all you have to say is that she can't be bothered to look after her as she should be? What you mean, of course, is that she isn't looking after her how you think she should be.

Pay someone to follow your anally retentive rules, or say thank you to your mum for providing free childcare and make her feel that you appreciate her. As it stands, it sounds like your mum is a saint not to have fallen out with you over this. She sounds lovely and you, well, don't.

And wtf does her divorce have anything to do with you? You're a grown woman, she doesn't owe it to you to stay in a marriage she doesn't want to be in.

misdee · 21/05/2011 15:57

can i borrow your mum once a week??

macdoodle · 21/05/2011 16:49

YABU and quite nasty

ll31 · 21/05/2011 19:16

like other posters say your mother looks after your daughter for a good few ours a week, it really suits you - so where's the problem - and am a firm believer that escape from routine every now and then is a very good thing!!!

usualsuspect · 21/05/2011 19:18

YABU

sleepingsowell · 21/05/2011 19:36

I agree YABU - you can't expect the exact same routine as you have

My mum buys DS way too many sweets but it is a once a week thing so I let it go.

They have a different perhaps more indulged time when they're with a GP and that's lovely imo

If it's just once a week, it won't harm her if she is late to bed just that once, don't worry Smile

I do think in this instance the complexities of your recent relationship with your mum are making you over think this and give it too much importance. It's really nothing to worry about imo.

COCKadoodledooo · 21/05/2011 23:49

YABU. VU.

textpest · 22/05/2011 00:02

Oh chill out. She was up for a bit longer ONCE and your precious routine was broken??? Worse things happen at sea YABVVU

tomhardyismydh · 22/05/2011 00:12

Or should I just accept that she's a grandma doing me a favour who can't be bothered to take care of dd as she should be - just wants to have some fun with her once a week?

employ someone then.

that is just a terrible thing to say, she clearly can be very bothered and is looking after your dd just fine.

This could be turned on its arse and say. you work late, because you cant be bothered to look after dd as she should be and so leave her with grandma...is this true? no!!! I didnt think so. so why say the same for her.

count your self lucky you have your mother around to see her granddaughter grow and enjoy and nurture, and support you. some children will never know their grandparents. Some children have grandparents to far away, to ill, not mobile enough etc to be involved.

Hedgerow7 · 22/05/2011 00:36

I disagree with everyone here actually.

Yes it is great that she helps out. However, putting your dd to bed that late isn't being helpful. So what if it's only once a week, I think that is a lot. Next day dd will be tired and grumpy and that isn't fair on her. Your mum can go off and won't see the effect she has caused.

I would suggest you ask your mum calmly if she could put dd to bed on time and also why she doesn't. I have no idea about all this divorce tension but maybe you both need a general clearing of the air.

I don't agree that just because as a GP you agree to a few hours of looking after a gc, you can do what you like and disregard the parents' rules. And usually MNtters agree.

bessie26 · 22/05/2011 01:43

I agree with hedge, it might only be "one late night", but it depends how long it takes your DD to recover from it. My MIL is the same, says that DD is "fine" to skip her nap, which she is... until it gets to bedtime, when MIL has gone hone & I have to deal with the melt down Sad and then she's grouchy the next morning when we have to wake her at 7 to get ready for nursery...

Before anyone starts telling me how I should be grateful she's doing me a favour, she's not. I love the fact that DD gets to spend some time with her GPs, but they asked to look after her one day a fortnight (my mum has her the other week) I would be more than happy for her to spend another day a week at nursery (which she also loves)

But, she is DDs grandma & means well (in her own way) so I put up with it... perhaps you could ask her to hang around a bit longer & put DD to bed that day? DD will no doubt behave perfectly for her grandma? Wink but if she isn't then she can see for herself what effect the late night is having!

excellentadventure · 22/05/2011 01:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

LittleJennyRobyn · 22/05/2011 01:58

When i have anyone babysit i just point them in the general direction and let them get on with it. I dont dictate to them how they should care for my Dc's, but then again i am not anal about routine and my DC's have never had a set bedtime.

It doesn't do kids any harm to have a bit of fun and down time now and again especially on a friday night after a hard week of rules, regulation and routine. (nursery, school, CM's or whatever)
Unless of course your DD goes to nursery on saturday???

Nothing is set in stone and the world won't cave in if it's not done your way.

you need to lighten up a little bit and Be greatful that your mum likes to spend time with your child, or as someone suggested could your mum not have DD for a sleepover on friday and you collect her on saturday, which would give you a break at least. And i'm sure you DD and mum would love having extra time together.

AgentZigzag · 22/05/2011 02:17

That's below the belt excellentadventure, when you get to calling posters bitches and control freaks, it's time to step away from the computer.

I agree with hedge in that I think just because a GP looks after their GC for a specified time a week it doesn't gives them any kind of authority to overrule what the parents choose for their DC.

In this situation it's a pretty minor thing, and hopefully the OPs mum's just wanting to steal a bit of special time with her DGD, but in her only other post, the OP's said there might be more to this than just what time her DD goes to bed.

I don't blame her not bothering to post again.

sunnydelight · 22/05/2011 05:39

YABU and come across as ungrateful and pretty unpleasant tbh when you say she "can't be bothered to look after DD as she should be". If you want childcare totally on your terms pay for it.