to expect babysitting Grandma to get dd home by 7pm and in bed by 8pm?

[stella1w]

My Mum has done very little to help with my 3 yo since she was born (things have been v strained between us since my parents had a nasty divorce during my pg).
However, she does collect my dd once a week from nursery up in town and bring her back to my house so I can work late(r).
She picks her up at 4.30pm and gets back around 5.30pm.
I'd prefer her to bring dd straight home, I let her take dd to her house for a while before coming back to my house (a ten min drive away) BUT to make sure dd back at her house at 7pm to unwind before bed at 8pm.
So of course, my Mum did not bother to bring her home until 8pm and she was still up when I got back at 8.30pm generally having a wired time..
Mum says dd was so tired after nursery she just HAD to watch a 90 min disney film, when of course made things get late and then she HAD to play in the garden.
DD has hard time sleeping - only just managed to get her into routine of bed at 8.30pm and with dc2 about to arrive really need to keep a routine going..
So AIBU to expect Grandma to stick to my routine? Or should I just accept that she's a grandma doing me a favour who can't be bothered to take care of dd as she should be - just wants to have some fun with her once a week?

I suppose you could see it as only once a week so not too bad if she's doing you a favour.

What kind of relationship did you have with your Mum before she split with your Dad?

Are you thinking she's doing it on purpose to prove a point about something?

Things were quite good between us but she got v nasty during divorce..

I guess I could let it go as it is once a week, but my poor dd has to get up by 7am at the latest to get to nursery so it's tough on her..

and I am sure she is trying to prove a point about something!

You come across as being a tad U because it seems that you are overtly tryng to find fault with your dm.

I'm sure your parents didn't deliberately decide to divorce when you were pg, and whatever residual ill feelings you may have it's been 3 years and it's time to let bygones be bygones.

Your ma most probably just wants to have fun with her dgc, and if it's only once a week on a Friday why not just cut her some slack?

Would it be possible for your dd to spend the night at grandma's on an occasional or regular Friday night basis? That could be a win-win situation for all of you.

Is this a new thing? Perhaps it's just a novelty to her to have your dd and she loses track of time? I can see why it is an issue messing around with her bedtime, and also if you are coming home late I can see that you just want to give your dd a kiss and say goodnight, not have to calm her down and get her ready for bed.

However if this is a longer term arrangement then I think you should stop saying that your mum does very little to help.

YABU

Does it really matter, really?? I think the resentment you feel towards your mum is coming through and it is your mum you are annoyed at rather than what she is doing, if you see what I mean?

Try and relax - once a week is not that important really.

Free babysitter means you don't get to make the rules.
If you don't like it, then you need to pay someone, that way, you get to decide.

You answered your own question at the end, and your second choice was right. You can't control things if you are not there and they are doing you a favour.

Your Mum probably thinks she is giving you a break. And I dont get why you say she does very little to help then complain that she takes her granddaughter to her house for an hour once a week.

As for not being 'bothered', maybe she really enjoys the limited time she has with your DD, perhaps thats a much more positive reason why she spends time with her.

One later night (and we arent talking the middle of the night) once a week wont do your child the slightest harm.

You sound everso resentful.

YABU, she is looking after your dd, however not in the way you want her too, if you want that, you need to do it yourself, and stop working nights.

If she's anything like my 3 yo dd she'll be using all the tricks in the book to delay being taken home to bed, and maybe your mum struggles to get her out of the house on time?

My dad puts dd to bed once a week and it is always chaotic, dd runs rings around him and doesn't go to sleep until 9. However, I get to have that time to myself, and my dad gets to spend time with dd so it's win-win.

I initially tried explaining to him how to handle her but it falls on deaf ears, so I just let them get on with it.

OP: your mum has done very little to help since dd was born except to look after her from 4.30 - 8.30 once a week . It sounds too that during that time your dd has a lovely time. I don't know how much a c/m costs where you live but you could try paying the going rate and be absolutely certain your dd won't get the same love as from her grandma.

YABU - your mother does you a favour once a week; she doesn't have to. You sound unspeakably entitled and ungrateful and I'm surprised your mother helps you at all to be honest.

Maybe she wants more time with her? It doesn't give her much time to play granny does it? Could she have her for a few hours another day one every week or couple of weeks?

YAB a bit U - mainly because unless its someone being paid you have to compromise. Is this an ongoing arrangement? If so, you can try talking to your mum about how difficult it was to get dd up the next mroning and how upset she was because she had become overtired etc etc. If it really becomes an issue pay a childminder or local teenage babysitter instead - you can tell them what to do.

My parents also split up when i was pregnant, 2 weeks before my dd was born, my dad walked out on my mum. He is not at all interested in dd, sees her about twice a year. PIL less than that.

My mum met a rich boyfriend and spends about 75% of the year abroad or in their coast house 40 miles away. She babysits occasionally (twice a year maybe) and pops round for 20 mins a week when she is not abroad or at the other house. I think my point in all that, is that your mum does not do "very little to help" , not at all, and I know you didnt ask but YABVU to think that.

My mom has not contacted us in 2 years. She did not like to babysit unless she offered. She was very critical ans strict in routine. Nobody in her family even speaks to her, she is so nattery and fussy.
My lovely, loving MIL, who is amazing, now has Alzheimer t Disease, and is not capable of the responsibility of a child any longer, but she was the very best grandma ever. I actually have tears in my eyes, just saw her yesterday.
You know what I am saying don't you?

Ask your mum to please try and get her in bed by 8, but don't cause a rift over it.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

I don't think it is fair to say that she can't be bothered, because she obviously can, or she wouldn't have her for you!

Once a week, late in bed at 3 isn't going to harm her! She will cope at nursery, as it isn't school where she need to concentrate!

YABU how can you say that your mum does little to help you with your 3 yr pld except have her once a week so you can work later!

I would love my mum to do that for me for mine and we have a good relationship and she adores my kids but will never baby sit except have the older ones over night now and again.
oh and yabu about the bedtime thing, maybe your mum wants to spend that extra hour with your dd before you come in.

You don't mention dd's dad? Are you a lone parent or is he working too?

Or should I just accept that she's a grandma doing me a favour who can't be bothered to take care of dd as she should be - just wants to have some fun with her once a week?

'who can't be bothered to take care of her as she should be'

No - she just doesn't want to follow your list of rules & regulations. She wants to see her grandaughter and spend time with her where she chooses, not sat at your house like a paid babysitter. If you want someone who you can tell what to do, pay someone.

Maybe, actually, you know... appreciate the fact that she's helping you out and loves her GD. One hour later once a week is not going to kill your DD.

It sounds like she wants some time with her can she pick her up from nursery an hour or so earlier?

She obviously wants to spend some time with her grandchild. If she picked her up and brought her home that just makes her a glorified taxi.
There are ways of saying what you prefer without imposing rules.

I would, quite possibly, have felt like you with my dc1. There were so many things that my mum did (and FIL too, for that matter, but not MIL) that really annoyed me. I, too, saw it as deliberate assertion of her mothering skills and ideals over mine.

Then I had dc2 and I learned to unclench a bit. Yes, routines need structure and LOs thrive on them. No, routines do not need to be set in stone. LOs can cope with some variation. And,y'know what? You yourself will probably muck up the routines, too, soon enough. Dc2 changes everything!

If your mum craves more time with her dgc, why not let her have it? Now that I live 30-something miles away from my parents I bitterly regret not having taken advantage of them when I lived 1/2mile away from them. But, no, I was fiercely - stupidly! - independent.

One thing you might like to do is to get your mum to put dd to bed after a wired evening, so that she can understand the issue and not just see it as her dd trying to boss her around. It worked for me: no matter what I said, mum would not stop doing things like giving dc1 chocolates or presents just as we were leaving their house at 5pm. It was not until she tried to give him supper and put him to bed after having given him chocs at 5pm, that she understood what I was on about and stopped. She still does it occasionally, but I have learned to judge when it matters (and she respects that) and when it doesn't (and she respects that, too).

My mum has a fridge magnet that I used to hate, but now accept and understand -

Grandma's House: Children Spoilt To Order

I've learned to to expect (and everything!) when using free childcare offered by grandparents.

Erm, you can 'bother' to look after a child well AND have fun at the same time. You sound very controlling and so does the language you use i.e. 'i let her take dd at her house'.

You are very lucky to have your mum helping out one day a week.

If this is causing a major problem with DC2 getting up early the following morning for nursery is there a possibility of changing your work pattern so that you work late on a Friday evening so DC can have a bit of a lay in the next day?

I agree with pretty that you probably need to chill out a bit.