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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in not wanting DD to stay overnight with her dad

55 replies

LifeIsButtercream · 20/05/2011 16:46

DD is 2, ex-h lives 350miles away, it's a 6hr car journey minimum, each way.

Ex sees DD when he likes (I've made it clear to him he can have access whenever he likes, and we make accommodation arrangements for him, which he doesnt have to pay for), I try and do whatever I can to facilitate his access.

Ex has decided that he wants DD to stay with him, not regularly, just 'whenever he decided', and only for 2-3 nights at a time because he is 'busy'.

Now, when DD is older, school age, and she is able to express a wish to stay with her dad, and mature enough to understand etc I'd love for her to go and spend a week in the school hols, for example, staying with him. But at 2yrs old, it just feels inappropriate - she wouldn't understand why she was there, she would be away from home and everything that feels familiar to her, and it would mean over 12hrs in a car (there and back) for just a few nights, it just feels like too much upheaval for an only-just-2yr old.

He doesn't even have anywhere for her to sleep, he lives with his parents and there is no spare space - he says she would sleep in their travel cot - but I know she has outgrown the travel cot, its the same as our old one and she is too tall for it.

Ex says this is all rubbish, "of course she wants to stay with me, she's mine", and I would be permitted to stay in a nearby hotel if I wanted (I would have to pay and make my own travel arrangements), and argues that I am taking DD on holiday in the summer, and it's 'exactly the same' - it's not, we're not going to be travelling for more than 3hrs tops, and she will have her own toddler bed in her own room while we're away, and more importantly she will be with people she is familiar with and her routine will be maintained.

AIBU in not wanting this for her at this age?

OP posts:

worraliberty · 20/05/2011 16:52

YABU she is his child too and if she doesn't get used to staying now, she's unlikely to get used to it when she's 5+.

The bed does need to be sorted though, he should get a toddler one...they're not much bigger than a cot space wise.

GypsyMoth · 20/05/2011 16:59

how many excuses are you going to make??

you dont own her,its her right to know her dad

igggi · 20/05/2011 16:59

I think he should make a regular arrangement to do this. That's how she'll get used to being there, not just ad hoc whenever he's in the mood.

saffy85 · 20/05/2011 17:06

He needs to get a bed for her, even if it's a foldaway one that goes away when she isn't there. He also needs to set it up with you as a regular arrangement, access to his little girl isn't only done for his benefit when he's a bit bored and hs nothing better to do the self absorbed git.

Lonnie · 20/05/2011 17:06

YABU she can develop a relationship much better with her father this way without you being close. NU about the bed but that can be sorted

Pictish · 20/05/2011 17:10

He's her father so that's that I'm afraid.
I can understand your reluctance, but hre has every right to expect to have his little daughter stay with him.

Fwiw - my 2 yr old dd goes and stays with her grandparents once in a blue moon....the contact is not regular enough for her to be all that familiar with them, but they are her gps, treat her lovingly, adn there has never been a problem.

It will be way more worrying for you than her.

He's her dad.

GypsyMoth · 20/05/2011 17:10

did you move away or him?

ZZZenAgain · 20/05/2011 17:13

I'd say "not regularly just whenever he likes" is quite disruptive. He should be able to commit to a particular evening or two a week. I don't think that is asking too much of him and if it is important enough to him, surely he can organise a place for her to sleep first?

ZZZenAgain · 20/05/2011 17:15

isn't it possible for you to stay in that house with her the first time so she settles there a bit? Even if they don't have much space, wouldn't it be possible - put your mind at ease and help your dd not feel scared in different surroundings

lubeybooby · 20/05/2011 17:18

YABU

He is her dad and you are being unreasonable. He is just as capable as you and has just as much right to her as you do, plus it will be good for their relationship ... hate the phrase but suck it up!

psychovillemum31 · 20/05/2011 17:20

YANBU IMHO Two is far to young to be part of this ad hoc arrangement. Unless the arrangement will be on a regular basis and he can cater to her needs and not his whim. I don't understand why the ego of the other parent has to be considered before the needs of the child.

lynniep · 20/05/2011 17:23

I understand its hard for you as her main carer, and I never want to be in this situation myself, but he is her dad, and he should be able to see her, with conditions

a) its great that you are so flexible when she's with you for him to visit, but if he wants to have her stay for a couple of days he should be willing to set regular dates. She needs as much stability as possible with the arrangement you have, and I don't think his 'whenever it suits him' approach is fair on her, or you frankly. The distance is pretty hard work on a 2 yr old, so I think 3 nights is fair.
b) the bed thing is bollocks - if they have space for a cot they can manage a few extra cm for a toddler bed.

I don't know your DD, so I dont know how she'll react to being out of her comfort zone so to speak, but I can tell you from my experience - whenever my mother came to take me for a visit (which was pretty random, that really peed off my nan) I was excited about it. We always stayed somewhere new and I didnt feel unsettled even though nothing was familiar (especially her!)

You are doing such a great job of staying on good terms with your ex in order for him to see her, this is her life and I don't think it matters if you introduce it now, in fact I think it would be beneficial.

You sound so afraid of letting her go - I totally understand that - she's your baby and in the same situation I'd feel like that too as the idea of letting my littlest go far away for an 'extended' period (by that I mean more than a day) is very frightening and probably feels wrong to you as her mum, but like other posters say, he's her dad, and now you are in this situation where you need to deal with it for the rest of your lives. Which means letting her go to the other person that is her parent. I dont envy your situation. but I dont envy his either.

allnewtaketwo · 20/05/2011 17:26

YABU - I think tbh you're making excuses. It's great that he wants to get to know her. 2yo's are actually very adaptable (I have one!) and just love being loved by as many people as possible. fwiw my parents live overseas and my 2yo has a great relationship with them. It's absolutely possible if you have a positive attitude. But if you give the impression to your DD at all that it's an issue, then you'll make it very difficult for her. DH's ex did this for years to the youngest and now at 11 he's still quite an anxious child as a result.

NurseSunshine · 20/05/2011 17:27

YANBU she is two! "2-3 nights when he feels like it"? And in a cot that she has outgrown? Ridiculous! He needs to grow the hell up, buy a proper bed for his daugher to sleep in and make this a regular occurrence or not at all.
And if he lives that far away then you should be allowed to stay, since you've put him up when he comes to you. A child needs their mother at that age, surely this guy is a virtual stranger?
YABU to allow him to waltz in and out of her life whenever he pleases IMO.

Xales · 20/05/2011 17:36

Depends on how frequent 'when he feels like it' is. If he wants 2-3 nights now and then 2-3 nights in 8 months no that is not on.

He needs to build up with her slowly. He needs to take her overnight for a night in a hotel or something near you for a a few times and build up to a weekend (2 nights) away at his house.

However it needs to be regular. So say 1 weekend in 4 he takes her home and the alternate weekend he maybe has her close by.

YABU in not wanting her to spend nights with him even at his place if it is regular though.

Original poster

LifeIsButtercream · 20/05/2011 17:38

Thanks for all the responses!

Just to clarify - if ex lived 5 mins up the road, it would be a different story, but its a 6hr drive - he says he would drive up collect her and drive back - in one day (don't get me started on that one), it just feels like such a long way for her in the car, for such a short visit, that she may well find quite unsettling.

And, as far as space goes, he sleeps on the sofa bed in their lounge, there really is no room for a permanent cot, let alone a toddler bed.

And of course he needs to have a relationship with her, and there's not much more I can do to ensure he has contact with her (short of giving him a piggyback down the M6).

OP posts:

yikert · 20/05/2011 17:41

YABU you don't own her and your reasons for her not staying over are pityful

LadyThumb · 20/05/2011 17:42

I think 'as and when' is quite reasonable and YABU. For him the trip is 700 miles so I can see that it cannot be regular, say 1 in 4 - perhaps his work doesn't allow that. She is entitled to see her Dad and he is obviously seeing her when he can!

Sassybeast · 20/05/2011 17:47

Who moved ?

Original poster

LifeIsButtercream · 20/05/2011 17:51

I moved, but I'm not going into the reasons for that (it was circumstances that I had no control over), but I'm sure that makes me even more unreasonable

OP posts:

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/05/2011 17:52

OFGS stop making excuses, let him be the dad many of us wish our exes would be.

You know I have to say your excuses come across as you are worrying she will enjoy it too much Daddy Nanny and Grandad all in one home for her to be doted on - whats not to enjoy?

gillybean2 · 20/05/2011 17:52

It is impossibly hard that first time your dc stays away over night. I was worried sick and called a lot to check. But ds was absolutely fine, having a whale of a time and worst of all didn't miss me one bit. It does get easier and in time you'll come to look forward to having a bit of freedom and time to yourself though that may seem impossible right now.

Court will order overnight contact at this age, especially if there is regular contact already.

The only issue I have with his suggestion is that it is ad hoc. He need to agree regular visits and overnight stays.

Try one overnight near you in a hotel for a couple of times at 2 or 3 week intervals. He will agree to this if he is serious. Then try a couple of nights at his place and then move to three overnights every 2nd or 3rd weekend and am for this to happen in say 6 months if all is going well.

Travel cot isn't ideal. I assume she is in a bed at home now? Explain that the cot is not suitable now she is two and point him at a toddler bed (I have one on the loft looking for a home if he is close (Essex)?). Ask him to use the next few weeks to get the house ready with stair gates and drawer/cupboard locks etc. Is there a medicine cabinet for things to be locked away in? If his parents are elderly they are likely to make pills lying around. So ask him to get the house ready and agree to move slowly towards this.
Your dd will be fine. And so will you once you see she is loving it.

gillybean2 · 20/05/2011 17:55

Toddler bed comes apart easily. If they have space to store a travel cot they can find space for a toddler bed.

igggi · 20/05/2011 17:57

Gillybean your ideas seem very sensible. Really surprised at how accommodating others are to the ex - and why does he live on a sofa bed? Is he aiming to get a place suitable for his daughter to visit? Would the courts be happy with his plans? (I really don't know, just asking).

igggi · 20/05/2011 17:57

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