in not wanting DD to stay overnight with her dad

[LifeIsButtercream]

DD is 2, ex-h lives 350miles away, it's a 6hr car journey minimum, each way.

Ex sees DD when he likes (I've made it clear to him he can have access whenever he likes, and we make accommodation arrangements for him, which he doesnt have to pay for), I try and do whatever I can to facilitate his access.

Ex has decided that he wants DD to stay with him, not regularly, just 'whenever he decided', and only for 2-3 nights at a time because he is 'busy'.

Now, when DD is older, school age, and she is able to express a wish to stay with her dad, and mature enough to understand etc I'd love for her to go and spend a week in the school hols, for example, staying with him. But at 2yrs old, it just feels inappropriate - she wouldn't understand why she was there, she would be away from home and everything that feels familiar to her, and it would mean over 12hrs in a car (there and back) for just a few nights, it just feels like too much upheaval for an only-just-2yr old.

He doesn't even have anywhere for her to sleep, he lives with his parents and there is no spare space - he says she would sleep in their travel cot - but I know she has outgrown the travel cot, its the same as our old one and she is too tall for it.

Ex says this is all rubbish, "of course she wants to stay with me, she's mine", and I would be permitted to stay in a nearby hotel if I wanted (I would have to pay and make my own travel arrangements), and argues that I am taking DD on holiday in the summer, and it's 'exactly the same' - it's not, we're not going to be travelling for more than 3hrs tops, and she will have her own toddler bed in her own room while we're away, and more importantly she will be with people she is familiar with and her routine will be maintained.

AIBU in not wanting this for her at this age?

My 2yo sleeps in my bed every night anyway -kids that age just love sleeping with mummy and/or daddy. Worrying about what where the child is going to sleep is just a distraction

I agree - so it's a sofabed? So what?

a dad wants to see his child so much he travels for 12 hours to see them and people are moaning about the bed. Two year olds do not care where they sleep if it is comfy, they do care about their dad's though.

My brother was/ is in similar circumstances when his girls moved away with their mum aged 2 and 5. They love seeing their dad, cope well with the travelling, cope well with the separation from their mum and love seeing their grandparents. They've made the best out of a sad situ and the travelling is a small price to pay for keeping the relationship going. He often stays over at their mums to break up the journey, so is not travelling all those hours in one day. Is that possible?

worraliberty, well, if he only does the trip once, ie, goes to visit with DD and then drives back he will be saving half the petrol to spend on accommodation. OP says that she arranges free accommodation for him when he visits anyway so just asking why he can't take DD there overnight, that's all. I still think a 700 mile round trip, twice in two or three days is going to be utterly miserable for the child. As to the fact that the OP moved so far in the first place, I've already said that I don't understand this at all but I'm not about to put on "judgey pants" as I don't know the background.

Nor have I said that there is anything wrong with the child sleeping with her dad, just that, again not really knowing the set up, if the dad's sofabed is in the familiy's only sitting room it's clearly going to be awkward as the lo is going to need to go to bed far earlier than the grown-ups.

As to mother getting everything and leaving the father with no roof over his head, I wish I had had that Ex's solicitor working for me when my Ex walked out! Not that I would want to leave him penniless but I sure would have appreciated not having to leave the family home in order that he could fund a nice swanky pad (much nicer than the family home, let alone where we are going to end up) for himself!