Is it wrong to finish with someone because they're getting fat?

[HeartBurnQueen]

This is NOT inspired by the "why do people get fat" thread. Mine is a long story but to keep it brief, DP used to be very, very overweight. He ended up having to have weightloss surgery at 29 stone however we were just good friends at the time. He never had any kind of councelling or anything afterwards, was just told to watch what he ate in future basically. We got "together" around six months after his operation but it wasn't serious at the time. However it didn't take long before his weight dropped to 15/14/13 stone and I started to feel an attraction towards him. I'd always liked his personality (most of it) and his appearance changing for the better ended in us getting serious. At his lowest point he weighed 12.7 stone. His eating habits never changed though, he was just eating a lot less of it. He was still eating 3 packets of crisps throughout the day, sweets, chocolates, bacon sarnies before bed etc and his weight started to creep back up again. First time we noticed it his jeans were suddenly tight, he got on the scales and he was 13.7st so he'd put on a stone. He said he was going to go on a diet and the next time he got weighed he was 13.12st. He then stopped weighing himself and refusing when I asked which is what made me realise the denial had come back. When I eventually managed to get him back on the scales he was 14.2st. Anyway it's been ages since he was weighed because he's just avoiding the scales now. I noticed in his car the other day a packet of chocolate biscuits half eaten were in the glove box. He's getting through a full bottle (sometimes two) of pepsi a day. Anyway I've noticed lately he's starting to look "Big" again. His legs, face and belly are definately showing the weight gain and he ended up having to be weighed at doctors and he was 15st 3lbs. He kicked off and said the weigh-in was shite because he had all his work clothes on and so he weighed himself at home and the official figure we now have is 14.10st.

I do NOT want to end things with him but I might be shallow but I don't want to be involved with that man I used to know, the one who ate constantly and couldn't walk for 10 minutes without needing to sit down etc.

Would it be totally unreasonable if I made him aware that if the weight gain continues I'll be ending the relationship?

You need to tell him but make sure it's not just about looks.

I personally would end it so YANBU.
I couldn't watch someone eat themeselves potentially to death like that in the same way I couldn't be in a relationship with an alcoholic.

But you're not objecting to something purely superficial. You're actually objecting to something far more serious - someone with an addiction which impacts on the quality of both your lives.

You should tell him. He deserves to know that your love for him is conditional on his weight.

You should also be aware that most bariatric patients regain at least some of the weight. It's not a magic bullet; it's enforced starvation. Once the patient is able to eat again, their instinct is to make up that calorie deficit, whether that seems logical or not.

I think you need to tell him how concerned you are about his health rather than looks. If he returns to that way of life it would also impact greatly on yours and your relationship so he needs to understand how you feel.

It's not about looks at all, its the whole deal of being overweight. The sex life for one thing, the fact that one of my favourite past times is walking which he won't be able to do if he carries on getting bigger, the overall health implications - I mean I don't want to be told that my partner only has a year to live because his organs are failing etc.
Last time the surgery was a life or death situation. I can't understand how anyone could be so daft as to start up the old habits that almost killed them the first time around.

YANBU... He clearly does need some form of counselling to help him but this is his not your job and if he is unwilling to seek it or even admit that he needs it, I don't see what you can do really.

I know it's superficial, etc, but surely you need to fancy someone to be with them? That doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

There seem to be a lot of women on MN who weigh a lot more than that, hopefully some of them will post on here to give useful advice.
Why not tell him that you love him and are worried about his gaining excessive weight, and that you'd like him to get help.
I don't know what's out there; exercise or a sport of some sort, WW, medical diet advice from GP, counselling...If you love him, you will want to try to help him first, not just give up and walk away.
Or you are a very superficial person and just notice the outside.

I don't have any experience of addiction outside of alcoholism (my dad) but it sounds like his behaviour is that of an addict in that, without help, he is unable to help himself. It really does sound as if he needs professional help.

You can't have been much of a friend when he was 29 stone then. As you've acknowledged that he had no support after the surgery and was left to his own devices, if you liked him that much you'd try to help and get him that support. As you obviously dont mind losing him as a friend then dump him. Simple.

HeartBurn, he already knows that you care about his weight and will end the relationship if he puts it back on. You were only willing to date him once he lost it the first time (I'm not saying any of this is unreasonable), you've had recent conversations about his weight and know it down to the pound. He's perfectly well aware that this is an issue for you and that you consider it your business.

After your OP YANBU. Talk to him, say you are worried that he is going to get ill if he carries on and he doesn't want to be the way he was before does he?

Anyone can walk. He's only 14st at the moment so walk away. Encourage it, especially this time of year a you cant dictate what another adult eats unfortunately but you can walk with him.

Be honest with him. I think if you are it may make him think about what he eats.

I did try to get him help, I got him info on gym membership to the point where he was actually offered it for free but he made excuses. I've asked him to come and play squash with me, he says no. We used to swimming twice a week but he started making excuses about that too. I've tried introducing healthy food to him but he pulls faces and says it's rabbit food etc

I don't consider my own body perfect, infact I've just posted on the weighloss board myself but I'm not actually overweight and I don't eat a lot. There is a difference between being a bit flabby through not looking after youself properly to being so morbidly obese that you can't funtion properly.

So many things can happen to people that could change the way they look or see them lose some mobility.

Would you leave him if he was in an accident and lost the use of his legs? Or was more paralysed than that?

Would you leave him if he was injured and suffered facial injuries?
Would you leave him if he became seriously ill and could not walk more than a few feet?
What about when he gets old? Saggy? grey? maybe he'll go bald? Perhaps his teeth will fall out?

If you wouldn't stay with him under any of those circumstances, then imo - you don't love him and you should call things off. You could both find the right person. Someone you would still love if they had a terrible accident or debillitating illness.

If you would still love him, regardless, because it is the person that you love and you understand that an infinate number of things can happen to that person's body to change it, then by all means, discuss your concern for his health. That's a good discussion to have.

Maybe you feel that it's different from the examples given above because it is something he has control over. Well, ime, a person with a food problem does not have as much control as you'd think! And anyway, even if it is something he is seemingly doing to himself - when you love someone, even if they are doing something damaging to themselves, your response is to try to help and support them, not to look at them and say yuk, if you don't sort this out, I'm off mate.

He's the same person he's always been. fat and thin. do you love that person?

At the moment it doesn't sound like he can be especially fat and, if you were going to dump him purely based on weight, you would be unreasonable.

But the sneakiness, dishonest and denial could eat away at your relationship and make you both miserable so I don't think you're being unreasonable.

But you should talk to him about the possible consequences of his behaviour befre doing anything about it.

I would be concerned about the health implications, and really, if I'm honest with myself, I'd be concerned about the attractiveness.

I'm fat (was HUGE but shifted 3.5st since Jan) and still losing, I'm in a new relationship and have said I was massive, I would hate to think he'd leave me if I got fat again, but I won't because I am doing it for health and do it by adjusting my eating habits and choices. But if I got huge, I'd know it, he'd know it, and I rather it was discussed and I was helped. Visa Versa for me.

Bumfuzzle, the examples you posted are all things that are beyond anyones' control.

The Op is not being unreasonable. Her partner is choosing to guzzle 4 litres of sugary drink a day, and stuffing himself with biscuits. He is choosing to affect his health and quality of life.

If he isnt willing to try and stay healthy, and get some help, then I dont think it is unfair of the Op to give him an ultimatum, just as you would to an alcoholic. He can do something about it.

Yes, I know. I said that and speculated that the difference may be exactly that, then went on to say that food problems are not as within your control as people think. I also said that if she's worried about his health, then she absolutely should have that conversation.

My point was that if you love someone, you love them regardless. for better and worse, sickness and heath.

through thick and thin!

Whether it is something that has happened to them or something for, whatever reason, they have done to themselves.

I think that it's important to ask yourself if you would always stay with them, if it is the person that you love. The human being. The soul. Or whether what they look like makes or breaks it for you.

He had weight issues when you met him and they didn't stop when he was thin. He hasn't changed, his shape has due to surgery, he's the same man you met.

Talk to him about your worries, not about your attraction to him but about your concerns for both of you missing out on things you enjoy.

To be fair 14stone isn't massively overweight, at all! He can shift that excess fairly easily following a decent eating and exercise plan, he really needs to look at his diet, as its sounds pretty unhealthy, from both a weight gain perspective and a furry artery perspective. Would he consider joining a slimming club? We have 4 men in our club who've had amazing results and I think enjoyed it more than they thought they would.

He's probably worried too, but I think you're worrying about where he'll be next year or the year after and he's just seeing a minor change at present? YANBU to have concerns given his history, but tread carefully because its a very sensitive issue and one where nothing will be achieved by knocking his confidence or nagging him.

If you truly cannot live with a man who has and always has had, and will have weight issues then its better to leave. Even when I've lost all my weight and got to target I will still have weight issues, I will still have to monitor my weight forever, fat or thin its something that is for life.

YANBU.

I think it is reasonable to call his food issues an addiction. It's not superficial, it affects his and your quality of life. There are consequences to what he does and you both pay the price.

If he can show willing to help himself, most importantly by seeking professional help, then I think you have a chance. But if not then you need to ask yourself if you can face being his carer when the time inevitably comes.

If you cannot then leave him. You need a really serious talk about things.

I disagree with posters who think his problems can be compared to those who have suffered accident or illness. Eating yourself disabled falls more into the alcoholic/drug addict catergory. I would never say that a person should stay no matter what their partner does to themselves.

I wouldn't leave I would stay and fight alongside my Man as I feel he has a enemy in food while at the same time thinking food is his 'friend and comfort'.

I would also say to him I needed some promises off him, that he would seek proper help from a mental health point of view because its not what he is eating that is the main problem it is why he's gorging himself.

I would also pour his pop down the sink every time he brought it in to the house as it is poisioning him. End of

That's exactly it. If your relationship swings purely on how someone looks then you're never going to get very far. Yes, it is a consideration but it will never sustain a long term relationship. So as you obviously aren't that fussed on him as a person then end it.

I can't imagine dumping DH over something like that, would never occur to me. If it's occurring to you then do it.

You are not his mother.

You cannot be policing his exercise/food intake.

I totally understand that you have things you want to do in life and want a partner who can well be your partner in those things.

As you are only dating it is perfectly OK for you to break up with him if you are not happy with how he is living his life, it is not OK for you to tell him how to live his life.

You don't have to date anyone you don't want to, for any reason, IMO this is one of the few times it is OK to discriminate.

I think OP you have to be honest. That's all you can be.

We all have red lines we can't cross, no matter how much we want to. Last time whilst I was single, I came to realise that as much as I want to believe in the whole "it's what's inside that matters" rubbish that actually to me, looks are important. I want to look at my OH and think "Phwoar!", I want to be proud of her when she's stood next to me. Does that make me shallow? Perhaps.

But I've made peace with that. I am who I am. Your DP has relapsed back into his old ways. You've told him, you've tried to explain to him, you've encouraged him to change. He won't. So what else can you do?

Perhaps finishing things will help him realise what he has lost. Perhaps it won't. But that's the gamble you both take. But right now he won't change his ways unless something major happens.

The problem is that neither of you try to understand his eating disorder.

You simply say earlier "I can't understand why someone would do that to themselves" - you need help to try if you want to stay with him.

I strongly recommend individual counselling for him and couples counselling for both of you.