Is it wrong to finish with someone because they're getting fat?

[HeartBurnQueen]

This is NOT inspired by the "why do people get fat" thread. Mine is a long story but to keep it brief, DP used to be very, very overweight. He ended up having to have weightloss surgery at 29 stone however we were just good friends at the time. He never had any kind of councelling or anything afterwards, was just told to watch what he ate in future basically. We got "together" around six months after his operation but it wasn't serious at the time. However it didn't take long before his weight dropped to 15/14/13 stone and I started to feel an attraction towards him. I'd always liked his personality (most of it) and his appearance changing for the better ended in us getting serious. At his lowest point he weighed 12.7 stone. His eating habits never changed though, he was just eating a lot less of it. He was still eating 3 packets of crisps throughout the day, sweets, chocolates, bacon sarnies before bed etc and his weight started to creep back up again. First time we noticed it his jeans were suddenly tight, he got on the scales and he was 13.7st so he'd put on a stone. He said he was going to go on a diet and the next time he got weighed he was 13.12st. He then stopped weighing himself and refusing when I asked which is what made me realise the denial had come back. When I eventually managed to get him back on the scales he was 14.2st. Anyway it's been ages since he was weighed because he's just avoiding the scales now. I noticed in his car the other day a packet of chocolate biscuits half eaten were in the glove box. He's getting through a full bottle (sometimes two) of pepsi a day. Anyway I've noticed lately he's starting to look "Big" again. His legs, face and belly are definately showing the weight gain and he ended up having to be weighed at doctors and he was 15st 3lbs. He kicked off and said the weigh-in was shite because he had all his work clothes on and so he weighed himself at home and the official figure we now have is 14.10st.

I do NOT want to end things with him but I might be shallow but I don't want to be involved with that man I used to know, the one who ate constantly and couldn't walk for 10 minutes without needing to sit down etc.

Would it be totally unreasonable if I made him aware that if the weight gain continues I'll be ending the relationship?

After more detail, YANBU... he sounds like he's not only uninterested in putting in the effort himself, but he has medical conditions that he's feeding.

He's resisting all help and is looking for quick fixes that will allow him to carry on eating crap.

Fat or thin, I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. I'm overweight by the way and its taken YEARS to find an eating program that really works for me, but I've always looked at least, and always tried. He doesn't appear to be doing that and its affecting his health and your wellbeing.

Fair enough HeartBurnQueen those extra details have made all the difference to my 'judgement'.

YANBU

The man is ill and needs professional help, before he gets back up to 29 stone.

He seems to have a problem and needs professional help with it. I think my view would be get professional help now or I finish with you. It's not really to do with the weight/appearance, it's to do with his attitude - he has a problem and he must help himself by getting professional help.

I don't think yabu. And I have issues with my weight, albeit at the other end of the spectrum. I've recently been able to gain weight following a horrible time with anorexia and bulimia and tbh it is hard changing the way you see food. Just because he's lost the weight doens't mean he's dealt with his head. I know if I was relapsing, it would be extremely difficult for my dp and wouldn't blame him if he walked away. In that situation, it might be the fairer thing to leave him. If he has to deal with this, it can be easier to do it alone, for all involved. If food really does have such a hold over him, chances are you don't mean as much to him as you'd hope. I know at my worst, I was a very bad friend, I had no time for anyone outside of my own head. But I think he does deserve an honest chat first. It's difficult, it's such a delicate thing to have to bring up. Noone likes to have their issues pointed out to them. And tbh, it won't make him change for you. He has to make that decision himself.

A purely practical tip, get him to drink diet pepsi instead of regular.

• There's a lot of sugar in that much cola.

Help him with his diet and exercise too as much as you can, because you love him. I think it's fine and natural to show some concern for his weight gain. But try to get away, both in your thinking and in what you say to him, from ideas of conditional love, and "you will leave him if ...." It's always best if love has an unconditional aspect. Best of luck to both of you.

Thanks for the advice and support :-) The thing is I really have tried and I know I sound cold hearted with regards to the whole "walking away" thing but I don't think anything I do will have any impact on him. We don't live together so it used to be that we'd have takeaway on a weekend as a treat - I saw that he was putting on weigh again and struggling so I said we'd stop the weekend take-aways. I stopped buying them. I've now found out he gets MORE during the week because he no longer gets them on a weekend so that one totally back-fired. I've stopped buying all fizzy drinks hoping he'd follow my example but like I said, he bought 3 bottles of coke today. He also drinks around 3-4 full sugar red-bull type drinks a day - I've tried telling him how bad these things are for him so he stopped drinking them - infront of me I only know he still drinks them because one exploded in the car a couple of days ago, it was hidden under the seat and became trapped before exploding.
He still can't eat massive portions in one go so what he's started doing now is, when he makes a large portion he'll eat as much of it as he can and instead of throwing the rest away he'll put it aside and warm it up in microwave later in the day when he's able to eat more.

How tall is he OP|?
at 14st a grown man of a good height should be no where near obese, is he quite short just tyring to get things straight.

he's 6ft. To be fair, there are blokes at his work heavier than him but they stay active, play rugby etc so some of that will be muscle. DP doesn't do that.
I know 14st isn't big for a 6ft bloke but I'm more concerned about the rate of the weight gain and his actual diet. I mean, anyone eating and drinking like this is going to baloon unless you're lucky enough to have one of those magic metabolisms! (not me! lol)

Well in that case yes, you really must say something. That's the equivelant of me only eating when my dp is here. It's an issue of personal responsibility and trust. He clearly is taking no responsibility for his actions, and this will obviously lead to trust issues on your part, and probably resentment on his. I am shocked that counselling is not offered as standard with weightloss surgery. How very shortsighted. He needs to see his GP and request some CBT. It did wonders with me.

I can understand with the previous Issues what have you said to him so far as being direct

If it were somebody I loved I would want to talk to them, help them and see if I could reach them and get them to see that changes needed to be made on a permanent basis.

tbh I'm starting to wonder if he WAS offered councelling but chose not to take it

It's not wrong to finish with a boyfriend because he has a serious addiction that will mean your life together would be shite - basically you watching him destroy himself.

You don't have children together, you're not married or even living together yet. You certainly don't owe him any "better or worse" deal.

I think he would have been offered some counselling - what would be the point of weight reduction surgery without it? Dunno about that but makes sense to me.

Would you show him the thread?