Is it wrong to finish with someone because they're getting fat?

[HeartBurnQueen]

This is NOT inspired by the "why do people get fat" thread. Mine is a long story but to keep it brief, DP used to be very, very overweight. He ended up having to have weightloss surgery at 29 stone however we were just good friends at the time. He never had any kind of councelling or anything afterwards, was just told to watch what he ate in future basically. We got "together" around six months after his operation but it wasn't serious at the time. However it didn't take long before his weight dropped to 15/14/13 stone and I started to feel an attraction towards him. I'd always liked his personality (most of it) and his appearance changing for the better ended in us getting serious. At his lowest point he weighed 12.7 stone. His eating habits never changed though, he was just eating a lot less of it. He was still eating 3 packets of crisps throughout the day, sweets, chocolates, bacon sarnies before bed etc and his weight started to creep back up again. First time we noticed it his jeans were suddenly tight, he got on the scales and he was 13.7st so he'd put on a stone. He said he was going to go on a diet and the next time he got weighed he was 13.12st. He then stopped weighing himself and refusing when I asked which is what made me realise the denial had come back. When I eventually managed to get him back on the scales he was 14.2st. Anyway it's been ages since he was weighed because he's just avoiding the scales now. I noticed in his car the other day a packet of chocolate biscuits half eaten were in the glove box. He's getting through a full bottle (sometimes two) of pepsi a day. Anyway I've noticed lately he's starting to look "Big" again. His legs, face and belly are definately showing the weight gain and he ended up having to be weighed at doctors and he was 15st 3lbs. He kicked off and said the weigh-in was shite because he had all his work clothes on and so he weighed himself at home and the official figure we now have is 14.10st.

I do NOT want to end things with him but I might be shallow but I don't want to be involved with that man I used to know, the one who ate constantly and couldn't walk for 10 minutes without needing to sit down etc.

Would it be totally unreasonable if I made him aware that if the weight gain continues I'll be ending the relationship?

Buy a book on Amazon called 'why people get fat' and read it. Then see if you can get him to read it, and take it from there.

He is eating because his body is craving food and it is craving food with sugar. Telling him to ignore it is like telling a child who hasn't had chocolate for a year to sit in Willy Wonkas factory but not touch anything.. Some people have the willpower to ignore what their body demands, but not many. You both need to understand that and to understand that he needs to sort his hormones out so that he can stop craving the wrong foods, because until that happens nothing you say will get him to eat other stuff.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who had no understanding of nutritional standards and maintaining a healthy body. It runs entirely counter to my whole value system.

When DH and I were first together - certainly less than 2 years in - he said he would leave me if I got fat. I have never forgotten it. I am currently nearly 3 stone heavier than when we met and he says he wants me to lose weight for my health but I can't forget what he said. He said he meant 20-30 stone wise.

It is never wrong to finish with someone as long as you are being true to yourself and honest. He will feel like shit if you tell him you don't fancy him any more so can you find a way to help him without him feeling rubbish?

I agree with most of the posts on here (and I am very overweight). To stay with someone for the long term you have to accept that they won't look the same as they did when you first met - ageing for example. However, as his looks and weight matter to you, he can't the 'the one' for you.

I'm not saying your are wrong for thinking/feeling the way you do, just that it is not normal to feel that you want to break up if he is your lifetime partner.

If he was your lifetime partner you would feel you want to fight along side with him. Get him to see the mental health team and accept that this is something he can't help, like an illness. Like an alcoholic really, he is addicted to food. But an alcoholic can go cold turkey and cut all alcohol out of their lives - but you can't cut food out totally, which is why it is such a problem for so many people.

I'm sure you know all this anyway.

All of this "stand by him" stuff is fine in theory but he is the one that needs to fight; he is the one who has to want to change his behaviour; and he is the person who will have the ultimate determination (or not) to face up to and overcome his addiction. The Op can support him (if she wants to) but it is not her job to make these decisions for him or to force him to do it. He is an adult. She is not his mother. Unless he is willing to accept responsibility I fear he will be on a never ending cycle of weight gain/loss and extreme unhappiness. As has been said several times, he needs to address the "why" as much as the "how".

I'm not saying that you dump someone when the going gets tough - not at all - but hanging on in there forever when the addict won't change/admit responsibility is a certain route to misery.

We are far too tolerant of fatties in society today, and hes just a DP.

Spell it out to him in no uncertain terms. He gets back down to 13 stone or he will turn back into the man he used to be, including the single bit. He had surgery to fix the problem (no doubt at great expense on the NHS) and is letting everyone down.

Dont be afraid to bin him off.

The head stuff is more important than actual weight I think.

I know it took me a long time, with many lapses along the way to get the head stuff sorted out.

Food is both a punishment and a reward, it is really complicated and not as simple as some people like to pretend.

Just having the surgery is pointless, if you don't get your head under control then you can't control your body.

If he was a long term partner and you loved him regardless then I would say help him to fight his demons, if you don't feel that way about him (and it sounds like you don't) then you are setting both of you up for a world of hurt.

Which surgery has he had?

R&Y: There will be severe implications if he's having so much sugar - especially "coke"!
DS: There will be severe implications if he's eating "garbage" - e.g., death!
Gastric Band: He can get this tightened - that doesn't get around the "coke" thing though.

YANBU. Everyone has things they're willing or unwilling to put up with. Your DP is an addict. If his addiction were alcohol or cocaine no-one on MN would think twice before saying 'walk away'. Perhaps food addiction is less unpleasant, perhaps not. That's for you to decide. But you're completely within your rights to say this is more problems than you're willing to tolerate in a partner, and just walk away.

It´s his attitude & doing nothing to help himself that would piss me off tbh.

2 bottles of pepsi-if you mean the big bottles, that is just revolting imo.

The way he talks and acts, which suggest he isn't willing to improve his health/doesn't care about the repercussions of his actions, would be more important to me than the actual weight itself. His whole attitude stinks. He won't take help, advice, or do anything to help himself. That said, if he never received any kind of counselling, I'm not surprised he still has these issues because it's not as simple as eating the right amount ot stay slim. He needs to deal with the deeper issues. If he won't do that, I do not think YABU.

YANBU. I wouldn't have a relationship with anyone who knowingly abuses their body and who knowingly limits their life expectancy. Obesity and smoking are relationship no gos.
That doesn't make me shallow, or horrible or evil. I have suffered a number of bereavements over the years, some caused by lifestyle factors, some caused by illnessess over which my loved ones had NO control. I would not commit my life and my emotions to someone who didn't care about themselves.

To be fair to him he's 15stone, not 50stone. Yes his diet needs looking at, its horrendous, but many thin people eat just as badly... changing a lifetime's diet isn't easy either.

No, you're not being unreasonable. You weren't partners when he was obese. Something has happened to his 'brakes' and he's heading right back where he was. It's the denial that is the problem. He's eating and drinking excessively again, that's what he wants to do. He's resisting your attempts to change his habits back to healthy - that's his choice. He hasn't the right to expect you to want to stay with him if he chooses the lifestyle he's working on.

I don't know if you have children or if you ever would have considered them with your DP, but I'd strongly urge you to think very carefully if you did. Bad eating habits are taught and then they become ingrained... even if one parent has a healthy relationship with food. :(

All you can do is be honest with your DP. I don't think it's going to stop him in his tracks at all, it will probably accelerate his eating. :(

I don't know if your GP could offer any help for your DP? Probably that help won't be available until DP decides that he's in trouble and that doesn't seem to be on the horizon yet.

Sorry, HeartBurnQueen, this is very blunt, but save yourself, you can't save him, and it's not your job to have to do that. :(

I know 14/15 stone isn't massive but what is worrying me is the rate at which he's putting it on. I remember when he was 12.7st he said "right, that's it - if I ever reach over 13st I'll go on a strict diet." Then he reached 13.3st and he said "right, that's it - if I ever reach 13.7st I'll go on a diet, I never want to reach 14 stone again". Then when he reached 14.2st he said "14.7st is my absolute limit, if I ever go above that I'll be on a strict diet!" and now he's 14.10st and you guessed it, he's now saying "If I ever go above 15stone I'll know I'm going back to the way I was and I'll go on a strict diet".

What's next? 16stone max? 17stone max? 20stone absolute max? 25stone? Where will it stop? This is exactly what happened to him the first time, he kept shifting his cut off points until eventually he ended up weighing in at 29 stone and being told you won't live long unless you lose weight.

He's not interested in councelling or anything else, he says he doesn't have a problem and just needs to cut down again and he does for a week or so, loses a few pounds and then starts it up again and puts on what he lost and more.

By the pepsi bottles I meant the big ones. They're 3 for £3 at tesco at the moment and he's just bought 3 telling me he hopes they'll last until Sunday. That's only 3 days away. ONE of those would last me a week. Infact it would probably go flat by the time I finished it!

The weight loss surgery was a bypass

We are far too tolerant of fatties in society today, and hes just a DP.

Hehe, so true.

If you replace food in your OP with drinking then you'd be getting 99% unanimous posts saying that YWNBU to leave him.

This isn't about looks at all. This is about someone's addictive behaviour reducing their quality of life and yours.

It's all very well having surgery and getting gym memberships but it sounds like he has deep seated psychological issues around food that have never been addressed.

If I was you I'd be thinking about going too. The secrecy and denial are classic signs of addiction.

heartburn Well if he's had an R&Y then surely he's having complications - severe "stomach upsets" at the very least meaning he needs to be very close to a toilet - with eating all those highly-processed carbs? :( If he had it done on the NHS then he should've had some counselling.
If he's eating absolute garbage then he needs to think long-term about the affects upon his body because the removal of some of his stomach will mean that the food (vitamins and minerals) which are good are not being absorbed in the place they should be.

There are cases in the US where people are dying following such surgeries (more in the case of DS I should add) because they're vitamin and mineral deficient. This is serious. This is not about being "chubby", this is about vital organs shutting down.

sounds reasonable

will it be okay if he dumps you when your tits sag?
or if you don't lose all your baby belly?

you get what you give

Also I second the poster who said that this isn't your problem to solve.

If this was just a case of someone wanting the motivation to shed a few pounds, then of course YWBU to ditch them instead of supporting them. But this is so much more than that. More than you should have to take on in a relationship really.

I say that as someone whose mother was an alcoholic for 20 years and whose dad stuck by her. I often think that if dad and me and my brother hadn't enabled her by omitting to leave her, maybe she would have had the moment of clarity she needed and might still be alive now...

He has a serious addiction, will not face up to it and you cannot make him.

You can be there to help him, point him in right direction, be at his side but never make him.

Equally, threatening him will not make him get help. What is it you want to achieve? A green light to leave? - 'I told him I'd go, so now I can'.

Show him the thread - let him see what you and others really think. Truth is he feels shit about himself anyway otherwise he wouldn't abuse his body. He needs help in building self esteem, learning self respect and confidence. You could give that a go instead of making him feel worse.

from a fat person getting fatter's perspective, i have trouble understanding why my dh would continue finding me attractive as my girth increases. i wouldnt want to stick around in his position, but then (again) that has more to do with my own self worth and projecting my feelings onto others, i feel the same way with frends, i think the fatter i get the less people will want to know.
also i have trouble with dh as he too has put on huge amounts of weight, has let his hygine go is in muscular pain in his side bought on by his weight. do i fancy him? honestly no, do i love him? yes and i dont want to leave.
weight can go up and down looks will fade, i just hope that our marraige is strong enough to handle periods of not finding each other attractive.
i wonder if he feels the same way. your dh might be in denial, but he will KNOW he is getting bigger and the fact you only got interested in him when he got thinner will im sure be already on his mind.

He has a stomach ulcer and 6 months ago he collapsed at work with internal bleeding (caused by the ulcer). He has tones of medication he's supposed to take but instead he reads something on the internet about "miracle mineral pills" and buys a load of them off ebay. He's anaemic, testosterone levels are falling rapidly and the ulcer still bleeds every now and again. The time when he collapsed at work he was so close to ending up in a coma - if that doesn't change his eating habits what hope do I have?? it's not that I want to give up on him, of course I'd love to help and support him but I'm at a loss of what I can do.

Tell him that you'll match his support, HeartBurnQueen, ... for every positive thing he does for his health, you'll do something positive as a couple. See how interested he really is in taking care of himself.