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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking it's not that great an idea to leave a newborn to cry for long periods?

101 replies

bomberosa · 18/05/2011 17:07

Friend has just had a baby (3-4 weeks old) and has decided that she is just going to leave her to cry until she goes to sleep as she is just being "fussy".

I was quite Shock at this TBH as I always thought you were only meant to leave a newborn to cry for a few minutes.

Or is this ok?

Feel so sorry for the poor little thing, she just wants a cuddle!

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 18/05/2011 17:09

Tiny babies don't cry for no reason - not at that age.

Poor little thing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2011 17:10

It's entirely down to the mother's judgement. Some pick a baby up every time it squeaks and others don't.

bemybebe · 18/05/2011 17:10

Poor mite Sad

ginmakesitallok · 18/05/2011 17:10

poor wee thing - she's only been in the world 3-4 weeks and is already being taught that it's not a great place. Sad

MoldovanHardHatporn · 18/05/2011 17:12

Sorry but i disagree. Sometimes it's best for all parties if you just put baby down and walk away, especially if you've got a clingy, screamy baby and you KNOW that you've done everything you can for it. Sometimes you just need to have a wee without a limpet attached y'know!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 18/05/2011 17:12

How long are we talking about here?

ds used to get into such a state that leaving him to it was sometimes the best plan.

Admittedly not at 3 weeks, mind.

SenoritaViva · 18/05/2011 17:12

It does sound harsh to me but if she has checked the baby is not hungry, dry, has been burped etc. I don't suppose it will do any harm? (I stand to be corrected!) With non first borns you often don't have the luxury to attend a newborn within 2 or 3 minutes and they may have to cry for a bit.

I suppose it's about finding the balance but I personally wouldn't have such an inflexible 'rule' at this age.

Original poster
bomberosa · 18/05/2011 17:15

I think she said she left her crying for 45 minutes and then she fell asleep.

I just think that is a bit long.

5-10 minutes while you scream into a pillow make a cup of tea etc of course, but nearly an hour?

OP posts:
Rebecca41 · 18/05/2011 17:16

Babies cry because they need something. Ignoring those cries at this stage is risky.

Of course a million people on here will tell you it's none of your busniess. It seems to be a recurring theme. Sadly concern is often seen as meddling in MN world!

Salmotrutta · 18/05/2011 17:17

When my two were born in the '80s the mantra was that you couldn't spoil very small babies and crying was a sign they needed something.
That was the line I took until they got to the stage where they were capable of just "fussing" for no reason (probably around 4ish months) and that was the time I didn't run to them right away.

FabbyChic · 18/05/2011 17:17

Psychological research shows that you should never leave a baby crying.

Babies only cry for a reason and even if it is because they want some comfort so what?

SenoritaViva · 18/05/2011 17:18

Yes, I'd say 45 minutes was too long at this age (or any age??) If she doesn't want her to become 'reliant on her' she could have rubbed her back whilst in the cot or something.

Maybe she just hasn't quite realised how little a 3-4 week old. Sometimes people (and I think I was one!) read so many baby books and read way ahead that they forget what's appropriate for what age.

squeakyjimbob · 18/05/2011 17:18

why is baby crying? if everything else on the list has been done and the little mite is still crying then he/she is crying to be held. Babies need their mamas close. I don't understand this. Why have a baby if you're not going to be there for it when it needs you?? Could there be underlying issues with perhaps PND that she may be trying to cover up?

Original poster
bomberosa · 18/05/2011 17:19

Rebecca41 - well I kind of agree that it is none of my business so I don't mind if people say that - I would never say anything to the mother. It is up to her how she brings up her child, I just think it's a bit much at such a young age.

OP posts:
Original poster
bomberosa · 18/05/2011 17:22

No, I don't think there are any underlying issues - though you never know, possibly?

I think they are just very "strict" people. Each to their own I suppose - just hard to stand by and watch!

OP posts:
CharlotteBronteSaurus · 18/05/2011 17:23

aside from any idealogical objections, i would be fairly certain that a baby so young cannot learn self-settling from such an experience. perhaps at 4mo, yes, but not at 4 weeks.

sailorsgal · 18/05/2011 17:24

I don't think its ok. I work as a maternity nurse and would not leave a new baby to cry. If it is her first baby she may just be going on hearsay/myths regarding spoiling a baby. Not sure what you can say or do to be honest.

I did hear about a baby that burst its blood vessels in its eyes as it was crying so hard.

Salmotrutta · 18/05/2011 17:25

There isn't some new-fangled "guru" out there who's recommending this technique is there?
Could that be why she is doing this?

rogersmellyonthetelly · 18/05/2011 17:26

mmm I dunno. Having had a baby who cried whatever I did, and nearly drove me to the point of insanity, I can understand why someone would do that, but personally I never left her for more than 15 minutes. Even when I didnt know what she wanted (had tried everything) and she was still screaming her head off, I didnt leave her.

valiumredhead · 18/05/2011 17:29

I agree with Fabby

sailorsgal · 18/05/2011 17:29

Obviously some babies are very high needs and you do sometimes have to walk away for a few minutes when you have tried everything.

sailorsgal · 18/05/2011 17:31

It raises their cortisol levels and can cause psychological harm later in life.

MoldovanHardHatporn · 18/05/2011 17:31

Psychological research probably also shows that sleep deprived new mums who have a baby limpet that doesn't stop screaming probably end up really very ill indeed.

RitaMorgan · 18/05/2011 17:36

Moldovan - there's no excuse for leaving a newborn to cry for 45 minutes. Putting a baby down somewhere safe for 5 minutes while you wee/compose yourself is one thing, ignoring a tiny baby's needs like that is quite another.

kw1986 · 18/05/2011 17:37

Aww wee baby :(

They spend 9 months tucked up safe and warm inside their mumma is it any wonder they sometimes just want a wee cuddle and not to be left lying alone in a big empty cot.

I spent the first 6 weeks permanently attached to my DD as she just cried if I put her down and no amount of rubbing her back or giving her a minute to settle down helped.

How is it even possible to listen to a newborn crying for 45 minutes??? If I hear a baby cry when out and about a feel a little pang inside and if it goes on too long I get a little teary!! I can't be the only one?!?!