In thinking it's not that great an idea to leave a newborn to cry for long periods?

[bomberosa]

Friend has just had a baby (3-4 weeks old) and has decided that she is just going to leave her to cry until she goes to sleep as she is just being "fussy".

I was quite at this TBH as I always thought you were only meant to leave a newborn to cry for a few minutes.

Or is this ok?

Feel so sorry for the poor little thing, she just wants a cuddle!

This is upsetting. :( DS was a crier. I mean, he would cry if I went to put him down. I'd never have left him for 5 minutes, let alone 45.

Why do people keep talking about the mother needing a break? Is it just because some of you feel guilty about walking away for a few minutes to calm down in the early weeks yourselves? Because it's irrelevant here; the OP has said that her friend believes that leaving her newborn to cry for almost an hour is a parenting technique. It's nothing to do with her needing a break, it's a deliberate choice made ahead of time.

And it's appalling.

I wouldn't do it. I'm not sure I could.

However, if a baby is not poorly or colicky and is clean, dry, fed and warm (not too warm) and he/she is not being comforted by being held or patted, then I'm not sure leaving him/her is the worst thing.

On another note, why do people here think a baby is incapable of anger but is capable of feeling abandoned? As emotions go, the latter would surely be the more complex? I'm not claiming to know either way. I can't remember being a neonate. I'm just curious.

How much of a "break" would it be to listen to a newborn cry for 45 minutes? That would be psychological torture for most mothers. My youngest is 10 months now and there are times I have to let her cry for 5 minutes max because I'm in the middle of cooking something or whatever, but that's as long as it's ever been.

bomberosa - are you thinking of saying something to the mother?

at that age babies are still missing the comfort of the womb!!!

like someone said what an awful start to living in the outside world

when i had my first(i was 18 and knew shit all), i was told by my health visitor that if everything was fine nappy feeding burping etc you could let them cry for up to 45 min if after that they continued to cry there was something really wrong. it was like torture, but it was also like a light switch after 45 mins sleep, no bother. since then i have been told this is not the case and you should not let them cry for longer than 10 mins, meh. i couldnt tell you what was best. none of my children are psychologically damaged. they are happy, healthy and non clingy which i am happy about. would i leave them that long again prob not but it worked at the time and she quickly learned that bed time meant sleep and i learned that when she did cry it really was for a reason served us both.

I'm very sensitive about this topic because my mum was very much the "leave them to cry/rod for your own back" type. We were always well fed and clean but never comforted. I am baffled by the idea that if a child's physical needs have been met then he or she is crying "for no reason." Surely wanting attention and comfort is a reason? And a very good one at that? I always felt like an inconvenience to my mother, like my upset and need were getting in the way of her life. People have often said I should leave DS to cry but I never ever would. Surely comforting him is my main duty and if other things fall by the wayside (God FORBID the washing up doesn't get done!!) then so be it?

Even though on the outside I had a great childhood, with everything I wanted and a stable home, I feel failed by my mother because her response to my attempts to get her attention were basically "Stop crying." She is much much better with my DS but even still every time she kisses him she says (in a jokey way) "That's for nothing wait till you do something" and it turns my stomach because that's how I always felt when I was little - that attention had to be earned all the time and and if I was upset I was just an inconvenience.

In the wild if you left a baby animal for a while it would cry for a bit then it would shut up. This isn't because it is suddenly less scared or in need, it is a survival technique. It can't make too much noise otherwise a predator will find it.

I honestly believe that baby humans are the same, they don't stop crying because they're suddenly happy. They stop because the are exhausted or because it is an innate survival thing.

I would hate to think that my baby had stopped crying because it felt calling for me was useless and it was safer to be quiet.

Thanks pointy. We're getting there, I just haven't found it as easy as I did with my others. Luckily she's very close to her Father. It has meant though that I still can't bear to leave ds2 for more that a couple of hours and we stoll cosleep. As much my rod as his need. I feel a bit silly but at least I feel no guilt this time

ds2 ds3 because of course the distinction is important

So sad that anyone thinks is ok to leave a tiny baby to cry itself exhausted because they are fed and have a clean nappy! I would be thirsty and panicky at the very least if I screamed for my mother for 45 minutes and no one could be bothered to come.

Daisy - fear is a very basic emotion, it's a survival instinct. Anger is much more complex.

Just come back on here and skimmed through the posts.

To answer a few questions:

I think though I am not 100% sure, that she was given the advice to leave her to cry by her mother (baby's grandmother). She only did this after she had checked that she was not hungry, cold, hot, nappy needing done etc.

However I still find it really distressing, but I really do not feel like it is my place to say anything. I just hope that someone else does.

She is not a mean person or anything, but she did comment to me that she has to do this or she "won't get anything done". I really had to bite my lip then to stop from blurting out "Hello! Welcome to motherhood!"

I really do sympathise as my ds was a non stop crier, and it drove me to near insanity, but I always comforted him, and looked into other options ie cranial osteopathy, baby massage, sling, swing etc on a trial and error basis.

I have suggested some of the above, or that she may have reflux or colic but it has been poo-pooed as her just being a grizzler .

WriterofDreams - I am sorry but you are wrong - my ds would cry for hours as a newborn. Yes he was exhausted, but I can tell you, he did it!

I really don't get the "I won't get anything done" attitude. The idea that keeping the house clean is more important than a baby sounds like something hammered into women by men who expected their house to be perfect when they came home from work. I think there are very few mums who would actually prefer to listen to their baby cry while they do the washing up rather than leaving the bloody washing up and going to comfort the baby. I get very little housework done during the day but I don't give a toss. The housework will be there forever but DS will only be a baby for what feels like a tiny tiny amount of time (he rolled over yesterday for the first time and while I was soo proud I also shed a little tear that he's getting so big - how soppy is that!!)

I agree Writer - my house was a tip for the first 6 months of ds' life!

That's what i can't understand - how someone can decide the baby is crying for no reason/being fussy. Some babys have silent reflux etc which may never be discovered. They may be crying out of discomfort or pain which no one will ever know about - they can't tell you.

My Ds is 5 months and has never been left to cry. He is a very good baby and certainly not manipulative! Just the sound of a newborn crying makes me feel sick.

I was advised to let him cry so he would sleep through the night when he was first born - i never did, i always went to him when he cried, and he has slept through since 6 weeks.

The first 3 months are so important and i'm glad i can look back and think that my baby was always comforted.

presumably it depends in part on how often the baby cries. If its colicky and cries without stopping for long stretches then it is unavoidable to leave it at some points as you can't attend it around the clock. But newborns generally cry because they need something, as opposed to trying to manipulate their parents. And 45 minutes sounds excessive bordering on cruel tbh.

But she thinks the baby is being 'fussy' - not leaving it because she needs a break from a poorly baby

My friend did this with her DD2. She would put her down in the travel cot and then go about the house doing jobs leaving the baby to cry herself to sleep. She also forced baby to drink milk when she didn't want it and later on forced spoonfuls of food down baby while baby was screaming...hideous to watch. she thinks the baby is just "difficult".

When my DC and i used to go round there (my baby is same age as hers) when the babies were tiny, i couldn't bear to sit in the kitchen eating lunch with my mate, my baby DD on my lap all content and snuggly and her baby shut away in the front room screaming :(

I never said a word, nothing to do with me but i felt desperately sorry for the baby, and also for my friend who i think must have issues.

my mother would have thought it was an awful idea. Instinct says its wrong.
thats better than experts.

Have been lurking on this thread and would like to share my thoughts.

If i'd seen this post a few years back when my dcs were babies I would have sympathised with OP's friend. My advice now.......45 mins is way, way too long to leave such a tiny baby.

My ex sister in law lent me a famous controversial book on parenting.....at the time I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread, resulted in both dcs sleeping 12 hours through the night at 12 weeks as well as two or three hours during the day. Everyone told me how lucky I was. Actually looking back now it was the very worst thing I ever did. I didn't enjoy my dcs as babies, I just ploughed on consulting that fucking book every five minutes. The routines became so ingrained that even now (oldest dc is nearly 10) when I see mothers out at various times of the day I check my watch and start to think....ooooh that baby should be having a nap, at home, in a completely dark room, then I have to slap myself.....said mother pushing pram looks happy, content as does the baby. If I could turn the clock back I would, i would savour every precious cry, cuddle, comfort etc etc.

And now......after all that fucking routine, and plenty of sleep and contented babies, I feel overwhelming guilt that I didn't have the balls to do it my way, as nature intended.

It's only now that I can't bear to see my precious dcs cry, no matter what they've done, how much of a shit they've been, if they cry it eats at me and breaks my heart to the point I can't bear it and I have to comfort them. It's now that I should be firm and let them sulk in their bedrooms but I can't, they know it and as a result they manipulate their guilt ridden mummy :( . So who's made a rod for their own back now.......yours truly.

OP I know you can't show your friend this post, but if there is any way you can convince her not to let her baby cry for that long, please do it.

Sorry if this is long and a bit dramatic but I feel so very, very strongly now and I just wish I did it all differently.

ps I would like to shove that fucking book sideways up the author's childless fanny........sorry very crude of me but that's how I feel.

I had a baby that, from birth, cried more the more you held her close. People laugh at the photos of her - there she is at 3 weeks phsically straining to get away from me holding her. There are photos of me as a newborn and young baby doing exactly the same. In fact, it's only recently that DD 2.11 has started to love hugs. I always had to leave my baby crying - but never more than a few minutes. If she cried longer than that then I realised something else was up and went to her. Only when she was a round 4 months old was she able to be left longer - she never went to sleep without crying for 10 minutes but those cries always got less intense as the minutes went by.

45 minutes? I am .

they do say that when a baby is reaching out their arms when upset its because they are wanting to feel (the womb). if not picked up and cuddled when crying then wrapped to encourage a feeling of security. this thread has touched a nerve - i think its the age of the baby. way too young to be left crying IMO

perhaps the mother feels overwhelmed - as one does first time round! whatever the case i do hope the little baby is not damaged (sounds more dramatic than intended but you get my drift)

stripeytiger have to agree, time flies sooooooooooo fast but still im sure youre a fantastic mum!! dont be too hard on yourself x

Just to make one point. Babies do not cry because they've got a wet nappy ( unlees they're not changed much and then develop soreness). Why would they?

Enough good points already about (not) leaving a newborn screaming 45 mins ( or even 5). I still feel upset when I hear one being ignored ( in shops etc) and want to pick it up. So far, I haven't!

I think she said she left her crying for 45 minutes and then she fell asleep.

thats bordering on neglect tbh especially at that age, not even a month old!
babies who cry that long pass out due a hormone that is released in there brain very harmful.

babylonial.com/too-long-crying-can-damage-babies-brain.html