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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking it's not that great an idea to leave a newborn to cry for long periods?

101 replies

bomberosa · 18/05/2011 17:07

Friend has just had a baby (3-4 weeks old) and has decided that she is just going to leave her to cry until she goes to sleep as she is just being "fussy".

I was quite Shock at this TBH as I always thought you were only meant to leave a newborn to cry for a few minutes.

Or is this ok?

Feel so sorry for the poor little thing, she just wants a cuddle!

OP posts:
CountBapula · 18/05/2011 20:32

YANBU

MarianneM · 18/05/2011 20:36

Completely agree FabbyChic (and most other posters) - sounds awful, I feel very upset thinking about the poor thing being left to cry for 45 minutes.

OP, I would say something to the friend, or urge her to consult her health visitor. It really isn't right.

InFlames · 18/05/2011 20:41

5 min for wee / hot drink/ for v v stressed mum to calm - no prob, very sensible. Longer than 5 min for (much) older child- has reasoning behind it. 45 mins for a tiny baby- totally categorically wrong. What does that teach a newborn? Cry and no one will come. I think it's quite neglectful tbh and wonder if mum has PND and us struggling to cope? YANBU. Poor baby. Poor mum too- hope she gets whatever help she needs, be it proper advice or some support clinically.

HumphreyCobbler · 18/05/2011 20:42

To deliberately decide to leave a three week old baby to cry, as a behavior modification technique, is terrible behavior.

I know a few people who have done this, it is shocking.

Cat98 · 18/05/2011 20:45

I agree with fabby, gotart et al. It can, and does do harm to leave a baby to cry. Ie - not responding to it. There is loads of research on this. Also, for the first 3 months or so they don't even realise they are no longer a part of their mum. It's not called the 4th trimester for nothing! I wonder why some people bother having kids tbh, if they are making their lives too inconvenient. Why don't tthey get a hamster or something?

hairfullofsnakes · 18/05/2011 20:45

As a friend I think you should say something! What she is doing is cruel

hairfullofsnakes · 18/05/2011 20:48

Show her this thread so she realises what she is doing is wrong

I agree with the sentiment about why do some people have kids if they can't be arsed to give them what they need especially at such a young age

Bumpsadaisie · 18/05/2011 21:05

Blimey, my DD is nearly 2 and I wouldn't leave her for 45 minutes. I don't think I'd leave her more than 8-10 mins to be honest.

The thought of leaving a tiny newborn to cry at all - gosh.

choceyes · 18/05/2011 21:08

YANBU

That's terrible..poor little baby.

I feel terrible if I have to leave DD crying for even 1-2 min (always seems like an eternity anyway) while I tend to my DS. For the first 6 months i wore her in a sling constantly as she didn't like to be put down.

One of my DH's friends left their 10 day old baby crying all night in order to sleep train her. She proudly said that the baby slept through the night from 6 weeks. The baby has never spend a night in their room, from day 3 she was put in her own room.
Recently she said that they had returned from holiday and the baby, now about 1, was unsettled at the change and didn't want to go to bed, so they just shut her in her room and ignored her crying till she fell asleep.

duchesse · 18/05/2011 21:09

Poor little mite. Not the first time I've heard this in recent months- I wonder if it's the new trend. I would not. In fact I was disturbed to hear a 3mo crying unattended at nursery the other day for several minutes. Does not seem right to me.

FWIW I have 4 children- my oldest is nearly 18 and my youngest is 20 months and none of them has ever been left to cry for any length of time at all. They are all growing into open, bold, sensible and sensitive individuals, no hint of weediness.

mummissinghermind · 18/05/2011 21:13

Not a good thing, it can't be good, what does a baby know about being fussyHmm.

duchesse · 18/05/2011 21:14

PS; The Guardian had an evolution supplement a couple of weeks ago, that included the very interesting information that if humans were born at the same stage of development as other primates, pregnancy would be about 21 months long. Modern humans' comparatively very short pregnancies are a trade-off between brain size and nurturing instinct. Babies are still utterly dependent on their parents at birth. The crying if for a reason. I am so glad I did things the way I did, despite the "rod for your own back" comments. My children are utterly balanced and secure individuals and I think it is no accident. A baby of that age left to cry will feel abandoned and that its needs are not being met. Your friend needs a sling and possibly some counselling, not to harden her heart against her little baby's needs.

bronze · 18/05/2011 21:18

That rod that I must have made for my back must be what keeps me standing tall.
Or not because I have terrible guilt about the child that I couldn't hold when she needed me who I have struggled to bond with.

teaforone · 18/05/2011 21:20

45 mins???? for real? thats surly child neglect?
why would she need to leave them for that long at 4 weeks?

WinePig · 18/05/2011 21:28

Its quite upsetting to think about a tiny new baby being ignored for that long.

How does she stand it? Does she go outside or something?

pointythings · 18/05/2011 21:29

Oh bronze - un-MN hugs.

duchesse · 18/05/2011 21:32

The 18 month pregnancy theory is nicely explained here.

FreudianSlipper · 18/05/2011 21:37

no i do not think you should leave a baby crying, certainly not to stop them being fussy

but at times you need to step away for a few minutes (go and have a cup of tea maybe) for your own sanity

maybe suggest to her a sling, best solution for a baby that cries when put down (in my experience)

saffy85 · 18/05/2011 21:42

Not something I'd want to do when baby is so young. My DD suffered horrible colic for the first 6 weeks or so and I did put her down in either the moses basket or bouncer at times just to clear my head from the screaming cries ringing in my ears. Sometimes I left the room to have a cry myself clear my head but only for a few minutes so I could hopefully go back to her calmer.

Does your friend's baby cry due to colic do you think? Maybe this is her coping strategy? 4 weeks old is far too young to self sooth. Crying is a baby's only form of communication at this age after all and their memories are about as long a goldfishes' so controlled crying and similar would be pointless. My HV used to tell me to be careful to not project adult feelings and actions onto the baby. As in, she doesn't cry to wind me up deliberately, she doesn't hate me etc. Which was what I started doing at one point. Think lots of people do though.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 18/05/2011 21:49

I think there's a reason evolution has created a cry that we cannot stand or ignore and feel an urge to stop it!

thebird · 18/05/2011 22:15

I think she has read too many books and is possibly trying to control her little one and get life back to 'normal' as if nothing has happened. As the OP says she is quite strict and maybe diciplined in her own life and is trying to have some control. Its as if she is in denial that there is a baby in her house. The trouble is she is missing out on the best bits and the lovely cuddles - I had to force myself to put DD1 down. I hope she gets through this and realises this little baby needs her.

CravingExcitement · 18/05/2011 22:21

I can't understand how any mother can leave a baby to cry for 45 mins. I remember when my dc was newborn hearing him cry was painful for me. I think anyone who can do that has something psychologically wrong with them tbh.

WriterofDreams · 18/05/2011 22:21

I don't think a baby that tiny would be capable of crying for 45 minutes, they would wear themselves out long before that and just stop or go to sleep. I don't think an adult could cry solidly for 45 minutes and if they did they'd have the most horrendous headache which is hardly the best way to make someone feel better. It's no wonder so many people end up depressed and unhappy when people have the attitude that crying should be ignored even in a tiny baby. Physical needs are easy to meet and could be done by anyone - a parent goes the extra mile and meets the emotional needs of the baby even if those needs are very great. If you don't want another little being to be completely dependent on you don't have children. Anyone who thinks that having a child who actually seeks your comfort and protection is a "rod for your back" doesn't understand what being a parent means and should just get a dog instead.

jordannarikki · 18/05/2011 22:31

YANBU.

I never left mine to cry.

But I DO take issue with"you need a sling" comments.

I never got on with slings. Still never left my babies to cry though.

cottonreels · 18/05/2011 22:55

God God, how could anyones nerves stand 45 mins of a newborns cry without trying to soothe it. Thats made me stressed just thinking about it! Hope the mom changed her mind on her rule...

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