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to want to by my DS's first pair of shoes myself?

62 replies

smithster · 18/05/2011 14:11

We're planning to go and my son's first pair of shoes on the weekend. My mother in law decided that she wanted to pay for them. I had to tell her (politely) that my DH and I wanted to pay for them ourselves. She looked slightly taken aback but didn't say anything. When I spoke to my mother, she said she wouldn't like it if I'd said that to her. Am I being unreasonable to want to buy him his first pair of shoes? My mother in law obviously thinks it's a special occasion, so why shouldn't I? Because my mother and mother in law both help to look after DS when I'm at work (which I'm very grateful for) I feel like I'm not allowed to have an opinion. Also, my DH never ever speaks up about anything so it's always me who's the baddy! Aaaarrggghhh!!! Angry

OP posts:

HeadfirstForHalos · 18/05/2011 14:16

YANBU if you want to buy your ds first shoes then of course you should.

We did with our first dc, but by the 3rd and 4th, I willingly jumped on mil's offer to pay Grin


thelittlefriend · 18/05/2011 14:18

YANBU - if you want to buy them then you should. I however, was very pleased to have my mum pay for them!


smithster · 18/05/2011 14:19

Thanks HeadFirstForHalos, that's pretty much what my Mum said - "you'll be grateful for someone to pay by the time he's gone through 10 pairs" - which is right of course, but then they won't be the first ones. He's our first LO too - which makes it all the more of an event - sentimental I know.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 18/05/2011 14:19

YABU and by the time your ds is 10 you will be BEGGING for someone else to pay £40+ for them! Grin

YABU as she is kindly offering to pay for them and it would be extremely rude imo to throw it back in her face. She isn't going to choose them she's just offered to pay for them FGS!


saffy85 · 18/05/2011 14:21

YANBU to want to choose them yourself but I would personally be thrilled to bits if someone else forked over the money Grin


queenebay · 18/05/2011 14:26

Could you maybe ask her if she woul buy him some wellies instead or slippers?


LindyHemming · 18/05/2011 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smithster · 18/05/2011 14:30

queenebay thanks for messge - that's the plan, she'll buy him something else instead - it's so hard trying to keep everyone happy all the time!

OP posts:

smithster · 18/05/2011 14:31

Thanks Euphemia - and everyone else - good to have opinions, I just hope I haven't upset MIL either way!

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 18/05/2011 14:32

Why risk upsetting someone who is offering such a nice thing though? Your baby won't give a fig where the money comes from Confused


compo · 18/05/2011 14:32

you could have taken the £20 and put it in his bank account


AgentZigzag · 18/05/2011 14:33

I loved buying DD1s first pair of shoes, at a size 3 I had trouble getting over just how tiny they were Grin

YANBU, doesn't matter whether they look after him or not, the bottom line is it's your choice what you get sentimental about.

Ignore them trying to tell you what to feel/not feel, and definately don't feel a baddie about wanting to do things with your son.


SisterCarrie · 18/05/2011 14:33

We just went ahead and did it at the weekend without telling any GPs. Saves the hassle of us/them feeling put out. My mum sends us cheques for various things that we buy for DS (big toys, umbrella buggy etc) that she knows we could do without having to cough up for, but not the shoes, those are definitely special parent purchases. MIL tends to just buy things she sees and likes - and sometimes, even when we have specifically asked her not to buy things, e.g. clothes - DS is overloaded and is never going to wear all of them before he grows (we will keep them in case we have another, or to give to a friend whose baby will be a year younger and therefore in shorts/puffa jackets at the same time of year).

So YABaweenybitU to get annoyed at people offering to pay for things - at least you get to choose them, as PPs have said! But maybe try not to say you're doing it if it bothers you and then just show up with the shoes/bike/other milestone purchases as a fait accompli.


reikizen · 18/05/2011 14:34

oh really! What a thing to get upset about!


PumpkinBones · 18/05/2011 14:35

If they both provide childcare for you, then yes, I think it would be nice to involve them in something special like this. Well, even if they don't provide childcare - my mum bought both DS's first shoes, and MIL (who I loathe, btw) took DS1 out to buy his first lunchbox for school. Is it as important to your DH as it is to you? You mention that he hasn't said anything...of course it is up to you, but it does come across as a bit precious, tbh.


LittleOneMum · 18/05/2011 14:35

YANBU, my lovely. Your DS, your choice. Working Mums feel like they miss out too, ( I know the feeling) so it is important to take control of issues which are important to you.

My MIL bought my DD her "Christmas outfit" this year (i.e. the one she was going to wear on her first Christmas Day) and I said thanks very much but she wore something I had bought and chosen instead and MILs outfit was worn on Boxing Day instead. YOUR son, your choice.


dixiechick1975 · 18/05/2011 14:35

I would have accepted. You can still take him to the shop and choose them.

I think for some older people buying the first pair of shoes is a bit of a tradition - I know my mum gave me money for DD's as did my grandma to her for mine.


belgo · 18/05/2011 14:36

What's so sentimental about buying shoes! I'm not surprised your mil was taken aback. What a lovely gesture from her.


AgentZigzag · 18/05/2011 14:36

So if someone offers something valium, you have to take them up on it because they're being nice?

But the OP doesn't want her MIL 'deciding' to pay for them, if she offered to pay and the OP said 'thanks, but no thanks' then that should be the end of it.

If she has to accept so she upset her, that's a demand not an offer.


valiumredhead · 18/05/2011 14:40

I think you have to pick your battles wisely. If she had been demanding to take the child shopping and chose the style herself then that's a whole different situation. I think MIL get a really rough deal sometimes, damned if they do etc


smithster · 18/05/2011 14:40

I'm very independent and have got a thing about other people paying for things anyway - which is ridiculous when it comes to family I know - but I get that from my Dad. It's all food for thought though - cheers!

OP posts:

Liliesandveuve · 18/05/2011 14:40

is it really worth getting that upset about?
In a couple of years time, you will have forgotten what the first shoes looked like.
It's not worth the upset, for you or MIL.
just take the money, don't make a fuss.
I think for Grandma's is it a bit of a tradition like dixiechick said


valiumredhead · 18/05/2011 14:42

Project yourself into the future OP when one day you might be a MIL trying to do something nice for your first grandchild Wink


smithster · 18/05/2011 14:43

I should give some more context - MIL has said on a few occasions in the past that she would be buying his first shoes - and I've subtley said - 'Oh that's ok, we'll do that' - to no avail, and then the cash hit the kitchen worktop a couple of days ago. I agree it is a lovely gesture - but 'no' doesn't sink in without me being 'to the point' either.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 18/05/2011 14:43

Just from that short OP lillie it seems like it's more than just about a pair of shoes 'I feel like I'm not allowed to have an opinion. Also, my DH never ever speaks up about anything so it's always me who's the baddy! Aaaarrggghhh!!! angry'.

Or do you think the OP is wrong to have an opinion about her DS too?

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