Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to want to by my DS's first pair of shoes myself?

62 replies

smithster · 18/05/2011 14:11

We're planning to go and my son's first pair of shoes on the weekend. My mother in law decided that she wanted to pay for them. I had to tell her (politely) that my DH and I wanted to pay for them ourselves. She looked slightly taken aback but didn't say anything. When I spoke to my mother, she said she wouldn't like it if I'd said that to her. Am I being unreasonable to want to buy him his first pair of shoes? My mother in law obviously thinks it's a special occasion, so why shouldn't I? Because my mother and mother in law both help to look after DS when I'm at work (which I'm very grateful for) I feel like I'm not allowed to have an opinion. Also, my DH never ever speaks up about anything so it's always me who's the baddy! Aaaarrggghhh!!!

OP posts:

belgo · 18/05/2011 14:43

I agree with that valium. It sounds as if smithster is relying on both mil and her mum for childcare, they sound like lovely grandparents.

All the mil did was offer, and then look slightly taken aback when her offer was turned down. She wasn't forcing smithster to take the money.

sleepingsowell · 18/05/2011 14:44

YABU - blimey, she just wanted to pay for them. Talk about shooting someone down in flames for a kind gesture.
I can see it mattering that you choose your child's first pair of shoes, but if your MIL is offering to pay, I think it was extremely ungracious of you to refuse.

PumpkinBones · 18/05/2011 14:44

That's good advice valium and something that has helped me deal with my own MIL who is from hell who can be challenging!

Original poster

smithster · 18/05/2011 14:45

I'm starting to wish I'd shut up and taken the cash. I told MIL I didn't want lunch the other day - 3 times - still ended up with a plate in front of me

OP posts:

Beamur · 18/05/2011 14:46

I usually take my Mum with me when I go shoe shopping in the hope she'll offer me some money towards them! But she's also a trained shoe fitter so it's good to have her opinion too on if the shoes fit.
I can see why you'd want this occasion to be your 'first' experience too, but someone posted some wise thoughts on Grandparents on another thread recently - your precious DD is her precious GDD too and she has offered to do this out of love.

belgo · 18/05/2011 14:46

What was the lunch? Was it nice? I love my mil's food.

PumpkinBones · 18/05/2011 14:47

OP, I've just read your post about the money on the counter - so she was just paying for them?! She didn't want to come with you and take photos in the shop and tell everyone that her grandsone was getting his first pair of shoes, and monopolise EVERY assistant there?! (memories of shopping trip with my mum and DS1 flooding brain!)

belgo · 18/05/2011 14:48

pupmpkinbones. My mil bought dd1's and ds's first shoes, without asking me.

I was very grateful, especially as they were only worn a few times (on visits to the grandparents) and then I sold them afterwards.

Beamur · 18/05/2011 14:49

Next time - take the money and put it in a savings account for your baby.

AgentZigzag · 18/05/2011 14:49

'I told MIL I didn't want lunch the other day - 3 times - still ended up with a plate in front of me'

Did you eat it all up like a good girl?

Sounds like they think they know best, treating you like a 5 YO as though you've got no say.

What would have happened if you'd have said you didn't want anything to eat a bit more forcefully?

Ragwort · 18/05/2011 14:50

You say 'I am very independent' but you are happy for your DM & DMIL to look after your child whilst you work - can't believe someone would object to having a DC's shoes paid for. I feel very sorry for grandparents in these circumstances.

Quenelle · 18/05/2011 14:51

YABU

I can understand if you didn't want MIL to take your DS for the fitting and choose the style, but to just not accept the money seems churlish.

She's not going to want to fork out for the second, third or tenth pair so I think you've shot yourself in the foot there.

Sirzy · 18/05/2011 14:53

Although I can see why you wanted to pay for them yourself I think you have been a bit unreasonable, especially if it was just them giving you the money and then leaving you to go and get them. I think its great when GP want to be involved and the little things are important to them to.

My parents paid for DS first shoes, I was grateful and we had great fun in the shop watching him try to walk in them!!

Liliesandveuve · 18/05/2011 14:54

AgentZigzag- I get that but the op is "AIBU to want to by my DS's first pair of shoes myself?"
I think as people have said, you need to pick your battles.
If MIL wanted to take DS to get his first pair of shoes, I think that's different, but just paying for them?
Btw, OP, your MIL does sound like a bit of a nightmare, but you might need to tread carefully if she is offering to do nice things, but just being a pita about saying no.
I understand you have your ideas, and you want to do things your way, but I would imagine your MIL would be incredibly hurt.
She is just trying to be nice, but going about it in the wrong way.
And wrt your husband, what would you like him to say? If he picks up on a small thing , it's going to look petty. I would suggest a bit of a sit down with the MIL and gently explain that you love the fact that she wants to be so involved, but he is your pfb and you are desperate to do these little things for him. She will sympathise and understand then, rather than feeling completely pushed out

I'm not a MIL btw!!

Ormirian · 18/05/2011 14:55

Ha ha ha!

Sorry. After 14 years and 3 DC, the idea of turning down anyone offering to pay for shoes is highly comic. Trying to imagine it.....nope, can't!

And as it happens I don't think it would have bothered me first time either although I guess I'd have wanted to choose them.

mamalovebird · 18/05/2011 14:58

The same thing came up with me recently. We had planned to take ds for his first proper shoe fitting and buy him new shoes.

His grandparents watch him one day a week and when I returned from work, they told me they'd taken him that day to have his shoes fitted. I was a bit miffed and would have liked to do it myself, but they do help us out so much and they were so excited for him to have 'big' shoes I let it go.

I'll have a lifetime of 'firsts' with my DS that his grandparents may not be around to see and it's not exactly one of those life changing moments, like his first day at school.

My DP never raises issues either with his parents and prefers to 'keep the peace' rather than confront an issue. I subsequently become the 'baddie' but nine times out of ten, if it's handled sensitively I can normally get my point across without upsetting them.

It's also made me think about whether it's actually worth raising or is it just me with a bee in my bonnet. Remember you'll have a much longer time with your DS than your parents may have with him and they clearly help out loads so it's lovely to let them have some special moments with him.

suzikettles · 18/05/2011 14:59

I dunno, my mum talked about buying ds's first shoes for long before he needed them. I was a bit but glad of the help.

It seems to be a bit of a tradition - I suppose because shoes can be so expensive and then they grow out of them so quickly so it's a nice way of the grandparents' showing support for the family.

My mum has never chosen ds's shoes, she wouldn't dream of it. But she does get a bit miffed if I go out and buy them myself. Winter coats are another one. She always wants to buy his winter coat (not choose, pay for) - again, I suppose potentially expensive purchase and a tradition in her family that this was something that grandparents bought to give financial support.

exoticfruits · 18/05/2011 14:59

Sorry. After 14 years and 3 DC, the idea of turning down anyone offering to pay for shoes is highly comic. Trying to imagine it.....nope, can't!

I have the same problem! Do you realise you are turning down lots of offers of shoe buying in the future for one experience which will onl be altered by having an extra person in tow?
I presume that she doesn't intend to go alone and choose them?

nometime · 18/05/2011 14:59

My mum always buys my boys' shoes - it's become a tradition. She takes them to the shoe shop (I do get to go along too!!) and she then pays the rather large bill too. I am very grateful - they are her grandsons and she is a big part of their lives.

By the time your DC is five you will be so grateful for somebody offering to pay the bill - hope she offers again!

suzikettles · 18/05/2011 14:59

School uniform - that's another one that my mum wants to pay for. She'll be gutted that we have no intention of getting him a blazer .

sunshineatlast · 18/05/2011 15:00

I had this with my mum and in the end I gave in because it meant so much to her.

It really annoyed me at the time but we went to her local shoeshop and let her buy our ds his first pair of shoes. It made her so happy and Im glad we did because she died when he was 3.

You get so many firsts with your childen, its easy to forget to share one or two with the grandparents.

Original poster

smithster · 18/05/2011 15:01

OK everyone - I get the message - much grovelling to be done - thank you for your input! :)

OP posts:

ClipArt · 18/05/2011 15:03

YANBU. If you feel it's a special milestone that you'd like to deal with yourself, there's nothing wrong with that :) It may be that on the tenth pair of shoes you'd be happy for someone else to donate but that's different.

exoticfruits · 18/05/2011 15:31

I am just madly jealous! No one ever offered with me-3 children and more than 14yrs- and I have bought every pair myself!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2011 15:34

How about you choose them and MIL pays for them? Make it an occasion together, just you, MIL and DS?

I can understand that it's symbolic, I'd probably feel that way too.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread