to tell DH not to come home next weekend after blazing row?

[dontlikemondays]

DH is working away mon-fri and I hold the fort all week with 3 DCs and work P/T, then at weekends he treats it like 'his' free time to do whatever he likes. I mentioned a one-off job opportunity for me to earn some extra (much needed) cash next weekend and he said he didn't want me to do it, as it would ruin his weekend off if he had to look after our 3 DCs on his own (not his words exactly but that was the general gist). I got so irate I told him not to bother coming home next weekend and he agreed and left. I have been in floods of tears ever since. Should I apologise for over-reacting or wait for him to apologise for being a selfish arse?

I wouldnt apologise, and I dont think you have over-reacted either.

Let him stew on it for a day or two!

I think the two of you need to sit down and Have A Talk.

I would organisse childcare and do the job.
While waiting to speak to him properly and have a talk.

you need to talk calmly. THe weekend job thing is a red herring. it's not on for him to expect you to do all the domestic stuff at weekends.

Telling him not to come home was a bit if an over reaction.
So was him agreeing not to come home.

Please call him and talk to him

I wouldn't apologise - no way. You have not over-reacted.

I would also organise childcare and do the job - even if it means you don't make much money from it - it will be a huge reminder to him that life would go on without him.

He is being incredibly selfish. You have the kids all day every day, week in week out and he treats all weekends life 'time off'? They are time OFF PAID work - time ON family stuff!! Selfish bastard.

well I try to talk, but he just stares blankly at me like I'm speaking a foreign language, which then makes me even more angry until I shout instead. I then end up going from "you don't appreciate what I do all week" to telling him I don't want him to come home and that life would be better if he didn't live here anymore! any tips on keeping my cool if I try this 'talking' thing again?

Hmm, how are you approaching this? "You don't appreciate what I do" leaves open his reply that you don't appreciate what he does either (work fulltime, have most of the financial responsibility, is away all week) so it's not entirely helpful.

Would you consider counselling? Would that even be possible if he's away so much?

Would it be possible to live closer to his work?

do you actually seriously think life WOULD be better if he did not live there anymore? Because that is a different problem.

DOn't say things in anger you don't mean. I totally understand if you DO mean that, though , but even then you need to tell him/ discuss it calmly

Sounds like alot of stress from both sides here. Do you love him?

I think the trouble is that sometimes I truly believe life would be easier - it would be much the same during the week, without the irritations that the weekends bring. But when I start to look at financial implications, benefits etc it scares the hell out of me to think of starting out on my own and I'm sure I'd miss him. I get so angry that sometimes I'll say things just to try and get a reaction from him, but he just stands there saying nothing, so it escalates.

Also I know DCs would be mortified. They've got used to living without him all week because of work, but its another thing if its out of choice. It is only temporary, but has been going on for about 18 months - only another few weeks left, but this weekend it has just come to a head. Maybe I should try and calm it down until he's back home and see how things change (or not!)

(Sorry I know that is so blunt but I went through something the same a few months ago with DP and my mum just asked me that out of the blue. It brought alot of things into perspective)

If there are only a few weeks left of him being away all week, I think maybe you could grit your teeth and get through it, then Have A Talk. It's hard, but you have to listen to what he's saying, and he has to listen to you. This can only be done if you both agree to act like grown-ups. (I know how hard this can be when you're feeling unsupported and unappreciated)

Old Lady, don't think he would go for counselling as that would involve talking! I have tried to be really supportive of his career, hence him being away at all, but I know that he is stressed too.

Sqee - not sure really. Deep down I must love him or I wouldn't be so upset, but its difficult to connect when he's virtually a stranger. We have a 10 min chat each evening, but mainly him moaning about how hard his work is and me talking about kids, so nothing very personal.

Would it be possible for the two of you to go out for a meal once he's properly back? It's easier to focus if the DC aren't around, and you're less likely to yell at each other in public.

Really, I do lnow how hard this can be. But I also know you can get through it if you're both willing.

Sooo frustrating when someone just won't talk, or even acknowledge what you are saying. Very understandible that you get angry

Yes, meal out might help as I'm less likely to blow my top in public. I think he would rather make things work, but I'm convinced that's more from a convenience pov (and for the DCs sakes) than actually wanting to be in a relationship with me. Probably say the same for me too. Maybe we need to try and rekindle whatever we had before rather than both feeling trapped because its easier than the alternative.

bleedingstill - thank you. It is indeed sooo frustrating!

thanks all for your wise words, i feel much better about things reading some more rational thoughts - I can now go to bed and not cry into my pillow. Will see what tomorrow brings and try to sit it out until things change. nighty night all x

That is a big yes. Have a good sleep and tomorrow think of all the good things you love about him. There is no quick fix for what you are going through but starting from the start is always smart. Focus on the good for a day. If anything you will smile. xo

YANBU in asking your DH to spend part of one weekend caring for his children (for a few hours?) while you earn some extra cash which will presumably benefit the whole family or, at the very least, raise your self-esteem.

For the reasons given by ChippingIn, organise childcare and do the job as this will give both of you the powerful message that you are a woman of your word.

Endeavouring to communicate when the other party is non-responsive or monosyllabic can be a sure-fire way to raised blood pressure which may manifest in rage/shoutiing and issuing ill-thought out ultimatums etc. In this situation, tempers need to cool before any meaningful dialogue can take place.

Is your current frustration merely because of your desire to take advantage of a rare opportunity, or is it more deep seated - do you feel he doesn't pull his weight when he is at home? Do you feel that he is not attentive to your needs at any time?

Now that you've made your position clear and he's stomped off, I'd wait a few days to see if he contacts you but, no matter who contacts who first, say that you truly love and miss him (if you do), and that you appreciate how difficult it is for him to spend so much time away from his home and family even if you suspect he's got the easy option.

If soft soap doesn't make him putty in your hands , calmly say that it may be better if he doesn't come home this coming weekend as it could be beneficial for both of you to spend the time thinking about your relationship and future aspirations with a view to sitting down for a heart-to-heart the following weekend. NB: this ploy may hopefully achieve the desired effect, and leaves the way open for you to rescind your ultimatum while leaving your dignity intact.

Alternatively, and this would be my favoured option, don't contact him and wait to see if he grovels breaks first. In which case take full advantage.

If he doesn't make contact but arrives home at the usual time on Friday, act as if nothing has happened, take your dcs to wherever you've arranged childcare, go to work, and wait until your dh is back home full-time before you attempt to instigate a mutually meaningful dialogue about what you both want from your relationship.

As for tips on keepng cool when trying to communicate with someone who doesn't want to hear what you're saying, I feel your pain! All you can do is wear a pleasant face, engage brain before opening mouth, keep voice well-modulated, and don't rush your words. And take yourself off to another room/place if anger begins to rear its ugly head particularly if you're within earshot of your dcs.

If I worked away all week and my partner then wanted to work at the weekend I'd feel they were avoiding me. How much do you need the money? If you don't need the money then spend some time together as a family or do hobbies at weekends.
You shouldn't be doing all the childcare and housework at weekends though and should get him pulling his weight.
It's his home as well.

Is your dp the main breadwinner, how old are the dc? Can't reply in detail now but I do have a dp who works away Mon-Fri and he is exhausted from travelling when he gets home at the weekends. It is my job to make sure family life is good for him.

My DH works away mon-fri so I understand he will be knackered when he gets home. I have no expectations of Fri night as DH just needs to eat then go to sleep. He is exhausted.

However on Sat morning we always talk about what we will do with the weekend. We both have free time to do what we like, we both spend time with DD and obviously time together and we share all housework.

So I think your DH has been getting away with a lot over the last 18 months.

I do think as he is coming home it is a great excuse to sit down and work out new arrangements. You need to make him talk about his expectations and try and see how they match yours. And to try to come to some kind of new agreements which you are both happy with.

Izzy - thanks for your insights. I wouldn't say he doesn't pull his weight. To be fair he will do washing up or hang out washing etc. I feel that he treats the DCs as a bit of an inconvenience, so he buries himself in the garage or office. He will spend the odd half hour (teaching DD to ride a bike - proper 'dad stuff' !) but always feels like he's babysitting them 'for me' rather than spending time IYSWIM.

Maybe IABU by suggesting the weekends are always about him - he thinks that just because he's physically around that's enough, but I would like him to interact with us occasionally or not moan & roll his eyes if I suggest going out with them.

The work thing would have been Sat & Sun so not just a few hours, so I suppose for him, going from not seeing them all week to suddenly having them for 2 whole days would be a bit of a shocker, but for me suddenly doing 2 extra full days work would also be a change. DCs are 4,6 & 11 so tricky to do anything they all like, but older DSs are always playing at friend's anyway - he wouldn't have to take them all out for the day, just be at home for them.

QLB - Wouldn't expect anything Friday night either and I have gone out of my way to make home calm, tidy and welcoming on Friday eves for him, but am getting so tired of it. I never get any time to myself and would actually enjoy a couple of days doing something different and to come home to find someone has tidied and cooked for me (never going to happen!).

2rebecca - need money desperately, more going out than coming in every month.

Onceamai - have been playing dutiful wifey for last 18 months now, thought I may have earned time off for good behaviour! Think you've hit the nail on the head though - he thinks that's my job, whereas to me that's just a part of who I am.