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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to tell DH not to come home next weekend after blazing row?

62 replies

dontlikemondays · 15/05/2011 23:39

DH is working away mon-fri and I hold the fort all week with 3 DCs and work P/T, then at weekends he treats it like 'his' free time to do whatever he likes. I mentioned a one-off job opportunity for me to earn some extra (much needed) cash next weekend and he said he didn't want me to do it, as it would ruin his weekend off if he had to look after our 3 DCs on his own (not his words exactly but that was the general gist). I got so irate I told him not to bother coming home next weekend and he agreed and left. I have been in floods of tears ever since. Should I apologise for over-reacting or wait for him to apologise for being a selfish arse?

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dontlikemondays · 17/05/2011 11:28

Clam, exactly!

Glass - I know he isn't having it easy being away from home & the DCs - much as he's a bit crap with them, he does love them, but maybe he's just got used to being away from them and has forgotten how to be part of a family.

As for empty threats, its not entirely empty. I really don't want him to be here unless we can resolve the issue because I am not at my best around him and I don't want the DCs to see me upset or angry. Also I want my bed back, as I slept on the sofa this weekend! (due to being v Angry and his snoring).

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dontlikemondays · 17/05/2011 11:31

LadyCCM, I know exactly what would happen, he will look after them for a weekend, have lots of jolly fun and say how easy it is when there's only one parent as they all behave much better when its just one of us (he often says this - trying to convince himself or me?!)

My RL friend just recommended that if he does say this its my opportunity to say, well if is so easy you won't mind doing it more often then, how lovely for you & the DCs to spend lots of time together :o

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LadyClariceCannockMonty · 17/05/2011 11:34

Exactly!

dontlikemondays · 17/05/2011 11:54

I'm learning :-) I think half my trouble is that I'm not that quick at clever responses (never quite lost the pregnant porridge brain!) and he is very factual and rational etc so I just come across as hopelessly confused and angry.

I get tongue tied and cross with myself for sounding like an idiot, so I grasp at whatever springs into my head.

Maybe rehearsing what I want to say and sticking to it would help me.

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loubielou31 · 17/05/2011 12:18

Write down what's making you cross in a letter? Even if he never actually reads it you will have rehearsed your arguments.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 17/05/2011 18:30

'That's no match for a sulky man with a superiority complex'

Is this the crux of the problem? Do you feel that he is superior because of his ability to remain detached while you rant and stumble over your words? Do you feel inferior because he is better educated that you? Or do you believe that he is what you say?

The most effective way to deal with a sulker is to let them get on with it. If your DH has a superiority complex, he will have read your text as a reaffirmation of his exalted status and as further confirmation your weakness/inferiority, and he's decided to punish you by not responding to your overture.

If you still haven't spoken to your DH, put your dcs on phone duty tonight. If he calls and they're chatting to him, go stick your hands in something sticky or find something that you can't leave mid-task and, should your DH ask to speak to you, tell your dcs to let Daddy know that you're up to eyes in it and will call him later.

Don't answer the phone after dcs have gone to bed. If the phone rings and you haven't got caller display, wait till it's stopped ringing and use 1471 so that you can call back anyone who isn't your DH.

If your DH calls wait to see if he calls back (again not answering the phone), and if he sends a text/calls your mobile wait at least an hour before sending a text saying 'Fell asleep. Was it anything important?'. If he responds by calling, talk to him - if not, leave it.

Rest assured this is not playing childish games. As your DH does not respond to normal dialogue, it is a strategy designed to get him to take the initiative in institigating discussion - and to begin the process of getting the message across that you were not placed on this earth to be his servant.

When you talk to him say that you were taken aback by his reaction to your news as you thought he would immediately see the advantages of your working this weekend, and that you regret the harsh words you ended the weekend on. IMPORTANT: do not elaborate; you have put the ball in is court, wait for his response and, if it is not to your liking, simply say 'I'm sorry you feel that way' and immediately change the subject - repeat as often as necessary unless/until he saying what you want to hear.

When we go into one get angry, we may talk over the other party, make ourselves look (and subsequently feel) unreasonable, and lose the plot of what we are trying to get across by dredging up past disagreements and our general frustration.

When talking to your DH about potentially contentious issues, keep your sentences minimal. You may also find it helpful to eliminate the word 'but' from your vocabulary as this may make you pause before speaking. 'I hear what you're saying unfortunately it does not make me feel loved/wanted/appreciated', 'I'm disappointed you feel like that because I have tried to accomodate your needs by (example).

TB brutally H, there are some mixed messages in what you've said in your post/responses but these may have come about because women tend to analyse/conjecture/worry more about nuances than men.

I suspect that your DH relieved any angst he may have had about the cross words you exchanged before he got in the car on the drive to his digs/work, whereas you are still fretting days later.

To help your DH cast off his blinkers and be dazzled by the sunshine of a 95% harmonious family life, you will need to be consistent and not waver from your course.

It may not be easy to begin with, but I'm sure you'll soon get into it and find it empowering plus it'll also give your post pregnancy brain a work out.

dontlikemondays · 17/05/2011 19:34

oo-er you're good. I wouldn't like to get on the wrong end of an argument with you!

I'm not sure exactly which bits you refer to, but I think the mixed messages come because when I OPed I was obviously in a state and I suppose since calming down and trying to be rational I have tried to show things from (what I imagine to be) his side, so as not to mislead the kind MNers who have taken time to help me. I wouldn't be able to trust their advice if I felt I hadn't tried to give an honest view of things, which requires a bit of soul-searching to find out where I've gone wrong here too. I'm not arrogant enough to believe that none of this is my fault, despite his obvious character flaws!

DH is infuriating and can be cold and oh-so-superior. He is a bit older than me but not better educated, however I have squandered my pointless artydegree by becoming a SAHM so my education is a bit irrelevant now. He is very organised and methodical, whereas I'm creative, which can make for a good partnership but also causes a lot of friction and is prob why I feel inferior, as my arty stuff will never really pay the bills and isn't as highly regarded in general as his more academic abilities. On the plus side it has made for some very well-balanced DCs :o

I wouldn't still be with him if he didn't have a good side too and its hard to hear everyone else call him a selfish arse (even though I did!) and plot ways to train him like a naughty dog Wink (necessary thought it may be) so I suppose I'm back-tracking a bit because I'm trying to find out where I stand on things before making any more rash decisions that backfire.

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dontlikemondays · 17/05/2011 21:49

well i got a reply - better late than never - saying that he's sorry he didn't reply sooner but didn't know what to say, and that if I feel I need some time away from home at the weekend that I should take myself off to visit a friend and not feel that I have to work unless I really want to.

Result? At least a start anyway. Haven't responded yet, playing it cool Izzy!

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izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 17/05/2011 22:13

Unless you're talking about legal entitlement should you give your DH the order of the boot, the only way you're going to find out where you stand on things is to do some deep soul searching.

Did you find him infuriating before you married/had dcs and, if he was cold and oh-so-superior back then, how did you handle it?

Individuals who have never felt 'worthy' or have low self-esteem, frequently find that being subjected to the constant drip of negativity and lack of praise or overt demonstrations of affection from their DHs/DPs can erode their fragile self-belief, or any belief that things can and should be different.

Why are you denigrating your 'pointless, arty degree' when you've achieved more than most by graduating from university/art college? Does your DH have a degree? Has he encouraged you to put yourself down? Or do you feel that your creativity has been subsumed by the necessity of spending their formative years nurturing your dcs?

This is most definitely not a criticism, but you seem to have stereotyped your relationship into 'he's the intellectual one' and 'I'm the creative one'. Being intellectual (rational, organised) does not mean that one is incapable of feeling and expressing emotion, any more than it means that creative individuals are irrational, disorganised, and spend their time emoting all over the place.

Opposites can and do attract but in order for the relationship to last there must be a whole lot of love and goodwill between the couple, otherwise they may find that they have to work harder and make more compromises to stay on the same page. Please note that this is not to say that like-minded couples have it any easier because even the happiest relationship can find itself temporarily stuck in the doldrums.

Given that your DH is due to return home permanently in a few weeks time, now is not the time to sit down for a make or break debate. I hope that your DH will put a sticking plaster over this wound by agreeing to assume childcare responsibilites during the coming weekend - and I also hope that you have provisionally made alternative arrangements in the event that he doesn't come through.

Whatever, I'd suggest that you avoid picking at this particular scab. Spend some of your rare 'me' time exploring the underlying issues that are contributing to your understandable discontent, and arrange to get him in a pleasant pub/restaurant/venue of your choice a month or so after his permanent return.

If necessary, nail him to the floor so that he is forced to listen and take heart from the knowledge that as you have effectively been living alone with your DCs for some considerable time, you'll have no problem muddling along without him if he doesn't meet your legitimate demands half way.

You may not have any family/close friends nearby, but you've got a diverse support group here that you can turn to at any hour of the day.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 17/05/2011 22:26

Jeez, now I'm feeling sorry for him!! Blush

Resist urge to dissolve into grateful puddle of profuse thanks Smile

Send him a nice text along the lines of 'that's brilliant. can't wait to see you again. night night, sweet dreams. xxxoooxxx'

That should keep him on his toes wondering what you've got in store for him the minute he walks through the door Grin

BaronessOrczy · 17/05/2011 22:29

OP, would it be worth coming at this from the pov of saying something along the lines of we've got through the time whilst you're away, but once you're back full time we need to look at how to balance things out so everyone in the family (your DC's included) get to enjoy time together - would that work?

So it's a chance for you and him to reevaluate ALL household / family responsibilities. Rather than a bun fight. And you can bring in many of the excellent points made by others on this thread.

(I think he needs a good dose of reality and is being very unreasonable, but am trying to think of a way to provoke discussion, not him shutting down)

dontlikemondays · 17/05/2011 23:25

I think thats the line I'll take Baroness. Use this whole mess as a springboard for a proper conversation about how things need to change when he gets back so we can all get the best out of family life once he's back in amongst us F/T.

Izzy have you had a personality transplant?! "can't wait to see you again. night night, sweet dreams. xxxoooxxx"

I'm happy that the text wasn't 'taloq taloq taloq' but even so, I'm not sure puddle of gratitude is in order Grin. Will take it steady with the gushing until I see him in person and can mention having 'the talk' when he returns for good. I am suitably grateful for his blessing (not permission?!) to go wherever I like at the weekend and I know he will be there as he is a man of his word where the kids are concerned. I will do the work thing though, as that was the whole point of it.

As for the question about what he was like before we married, I'm afraid this is a classic case of 'marry in haste, repent at leisure'! Only knew him for a year before marrying and a year later had DC1, so we were still on our best behaviour. Don't think I'm quite the same carefree, adventurous young nymph that I was back then either, so I can't complain that he's not what I ordered.

Managed 14 years of being the odd couple, so I will work hard to keep it going as long as that's what he really wants too. If I get a sniff that he's not willing to try and be more supportive, I will seriously look into my alternatives though.

Thank you all, especially Izzy, for seeing it through to a fairly positive conclusion with me. Goodnight, sweet dreams! xox

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