to tell DH not to come home next weekend after blazing row?

[dontlikemondays]

DH is working away mon-fri and I hold the fort all week with 3 DCs and work P/T, then at weekends he treats it like 'his' free time to do whatever he likes. I mentioned a one-off job opportunity for me to earn some extra (much needed) cash next weekend and he said he didn't want me to do it, as it would ruin his weekend off if he had to look after our 3 DCs on his own (not his words exactly but that was the general gist). I got so irate I told him not to bother coming home next weekend and he agreed and left. I have been in floods of tears ever since. Should I apologise for over-reacting or wait for him to apologise for being a selfish arse?

I would have thought that being away from your dcs all week and then having the opportunity to spend 2 full days of quality time with them would be a bonus.

YADNBU but he clearly is given that it's not as if you've arbitrarily announced that you've decided to work every weekend, or are off to strut your stuff as a lap dancer to bring in some extra dosh.

All you're intending to do is 2 days work to earn some much needed funds to swell the family coffers. All he's got to do in return look is after his dcs when they're at home - and you're not even asking for dinner on the table when you return.

What a restricted view he has of family life, and what a lot of opportunities for fun times he's missing out on. Was he raised by hands-on parents or was/is his father a somewhat remote or reserved figure? For some reason I'm reminded of Philip Larkin's poem:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

Children absorb so much by osmosis; what signals/messages is he giving to his dcs by being self-absorbed and cutting himself off from them? As for rolling his eyes (no doubt accompanied by heavy sighing ), I'd be tempted to give them a poke with the proverbial short sharp stick as they're not much use to him if he can't see what's under his nose.

Overall, I think the only way you're going to crack this one is to drag him kicking and screaming into reality; and that means making your own plans for weekends and leaving him home alone to learn how to parent - after a few weeks it could be that your dcs will have kicked him into touch.

When he's home again full-time I'd try a few weeks of getting up ultra early on a Saturday or Sunday and, while he's still in bed, simply say 'Cheerio dear, I'm off now, see you later', and leave it a good few hours before you return.

At the very least I suspect that this strategy may prompt him to initiate the heart-to-heart you're itching to have. Make sure you've got your list ready, and keep breathing deeply while you tick off each item.

Thanks for still thinking of me, DH just phoned to speak to the DCs but he didn't ask them to pass phone to me before hanging up, so he's obviously not ready to forgive & forget yet! I like the idea of sloping off, but I'm rubbish at waking up and he gets up with the sparrows, so I'll have to work on that one a bit later in the day, taking DCs out without waiting for him to be ready and willing.

When I ask about what his dad was like he says he can't really remember (he died when DH was a teenager). From his sister it sounds like he was a lovely bloke but typical 1950s style dad, sitting with the paper while the women cooked & cleaned around him, so not surprising really!

DH doesn't get joy from much really, so its not just DCs that he's missing out on - everything is a chore for him. I suspect he's prob depressed but he wouldn't admit to it. Toxic combo of depression/stress won't be helping him here will it? I feel bad now.

Don't feel bad dontlike, the situation is hard for you too.

You say he only has a few more weeks working away, that does mean the situation will change soon. As I said earlier I would take that as an opportunity to have a really good talk.

I will probably get shouted down for saying this, but I wouldn't play any games regarding who should phone who first, I would just phone him.

I thought that too tbh. now the rage has died down I feel silly staying silent. maybe when the DCs are all in bed later I should at least call and say hello - even if not "sorry"! I could then feel better about myself for being mature and sensible about it all, rather than bearing a grudge like a sulky teenager any longer.

if nothing else today has restored my faith in MN - I got flamed a couple of years ago for a flippant comment and have steered clear since then, but all of you have really helped me today x

No need for you to feel bad, and if anyone's going to be coming down with depression & stress it'll be you if your DH doesn't get his act together and start fully interacting with the family that you've both created.

From something you remarked on earlier, it seems that maybe your self-esteem has taken a bit of dent because of his failure to acknowledge or validate your needs?

Puff that ego back up and give yourself a cheer, girlfriend! You've amply proved how capable you are by juggling work, parenting, home-making etc on your own without adequate support or appreciation of your skills. Now it's time for him to step up to the plate and show how good he is at spinning plates.

Don't feel bad OP.

I'd text him and say something like 'Hi. I think we were both a bit rash and need to talk. Do you want to phone me?'

This is not apologising but is a constructive step out of your impasse.

Also if you do hash things out, ask him if he feels depressed and maybe make one condition of a reunion that he goes to a GP with you to suss that out.

I have never had such serious issues with DP but I do know what you mean about the not-responding thing, it is hella frustrating. I have discovered though that DP often does this when he feels backed into a corner or threatened because I am ranting at him so I have learnt to say 'This is what I feel, what do you think?' calmly and then not say anything at all, just sit there and watch him. He will eventually crack and start talking.

Do I need bright lights to shine in his eyes while asking?!

And yes Izzy, self esteem has taken a bit of a battering for many reasons over last few years and I think I rely on him too much for my sense of worth, which isn't a good idea when he's such a robot.

He compared me to one of our more useless relatives who always palms her DC off on anyone who'll have him so she can work/go out/get up early for car boots etc, - that didn't go down well, as I've had no help from anyone.

Neither of us have any parents alive and other family are either miles away or crap, so its just me doing it all alone most of the time and I've felt (rightly) proud of myself for managing it without too many meltdowns, but now it feels like asking for his help was showing weakness, or maybe made him realise how reliant I am on him.

What a selfish idiot your husband is. My DH works away all week and when he comes home I don't have to do anything if I don't want to he will cook, clean, give me a lie-in, I can go and have some time with friends or he will take my DS out so I can have some me time at home. Generally however, apart from the lie-ins we muck in together unless I have had a particularly hard week. You really need to talk about this or the other option is to leave him and give him weekend access every weekend.....think he might buck his ideas up at the thought of that!

happy - that was exactly what I thought - if he can't give me a single weekend, lets see how he copes when its every other one. I honestly believe our kids would spend more time with him if we split up.

Its not the first time I've talked about separating so he won't be taking it seriously anyway, he'll just be burying his head in the sand til the end of the week instead.

I still can't decide if was an idle threat said in the heat of the moment, or if I really am prepared to go through with it, but I've proved that I can live without him for weeks, the kids are used to him being away - the only one it will really impact is him. And I'd miss his family as they're nicer than mine!

Revolting - I sent a text (I hate texts for personal stuff but can't face talking to him yet) saying I've had time to cool down and see things from his side, that I'm stressed too and just trying to help and that we need to have a proper talk, but after he finishes working away. that was half an hour ago, no response. bastard.

dontlikemondays, I worked in an industry where the divorce rate was over 50% because of this exact issue - Boys get to do their own thing all week while away, and then dont adjust to being part of a family over weekends, as still want to be doing their own thing.

And micro managing.

I would plan a weekend away. Just you at a mates. DOnt tell him until he arrives home. Then just pick up your bag, kiss them all goodbye and leave.

Make sure you leave a list of what needs to be done - kids homework, washing and ironing school uniforms, cleaning out the guinea-pigs, making lunchboxes on SUnday night - you know the crap that needs to be done every weekend. If he has to do it all, he might appreciate you more.

Id also make it clear to him that marriages end in divorce because partners dont WORK at their marriage - he needs to put in some work. AFter all, you are on duty 24 hours a day during the week, you dont get to leave "work" and just relax....you have kids to monitor and a household to run. So over weekend, you get to have downtime too, because you dont get it in the week. He does - he goes to the pub or a restaurant or just sits and reads the paper after leaving work.......you dont get this luxury as you are on call.

O dear, I see that you've went into guilt trip mode while I was writing this, but here it is for what it's worth.

The reason he's able to bury his head in the sand is that he's been allowed to take no notice of what you have told him because you haven't followed through.

Once we start going back on our words and start breaking promises that we've made to ourselves or to others, we begin to chip away at our sense of self-worth. We lose respect for ourselves, and in turn others have little or no respect for.

Even now, you're turning yourself inside out wondering if he's depressed when this is one occasion when it's your needs that should be foremost in your mind. And why on earth are you considering calling him to demonstrate your 'maturity' when it's him that is being immature?

If you make the first move now, you're merely be demonstrating once again that you don't mean what you say.

You haven't made an unreasonable request, and it seems inconceivable that he cannot see that doing everything possible to alleviate any worries you may have about working full-time for a couple of days is a win-win situation for everyone including him.

He's stuck in the time-warp of his childhood where the household revolved around Father whose word was no doubt law. But time's moved on, and women today expect to have a partnership that is based on some concept of shared responsibility and equality, and where they are not compared unfavourably to Uncle Tom Cobley & all merely because they have aspirations and ambitions.

You've obviously been dissatisfied for some considerable length of time, and only you can decide if you want to go it alone. Personally, I'd give it all I've got to bring about the necessary positive change that will revive the marriage - but this means you need to make it clear that he needs to shape up otherwise he will be shipping out, and you're not going to get your message across if you cave in at the first hurdle.

If you can't get through to him any other way, it may take a separation for him to realise what he's got and what he's in danger of losing through his selfishness.

BTW, if you do decide to separate, I don't see any reason why you cannot remain on good terms with his nice family.

I know I caved! I think we've both been hot-headed and I'm just trying to prove that the screaming banshee he saw at the weekend isn't me. I can be rational and I'm trying my best to help our family and if that means making the first move instead of playing games, then that's what I thought I should do. Now I'm regretting it, thanks ;-) I'd make a rubbish poker player.

Not sure I've got much to add to your latest update but wanted to sympathise. We've been living apart 5 days a week for 3 years (off and on - DH is a contractor so when he's in a contract he's away, when he's out of work he's here ALL THE TIME!).

It's really really hard and it gets more tiring as you go on unless you have a break.

We actually now have it happier than ever and here's why: I work Saturday mornings in a low paid job that I really love. I sneak off at 7.30/8 am and come back in time for lunch. DH takes the boys to their football clubs and brings them home and cooks lunch.

It's GREAT! It means I get to go off and do my own thing on my own for a few hours, he spends quality time with the kids (and not just trashing the house room by room playing. The kids and I aren't competing for his attention etc.

I used to find it really hard because I'm so used to coping on my own and having my own company that I couldn't speak in the evenings - and indeed wouldn't! I didn't exactly fall on him with kisses and hugs when he walked in the door.

It's better now, we try and do something interesting together - just us, no kids - once a month and we have family outings every other weekend, roughly. But it's bloody hard work and we need to keep up a constant dialogue when we see each other. Hopeless to try and talk in the week - we're both so knackered.

Anyway, don't think I'm helping so much as sharing my common experience. Hope you get this sorted out. FWIW I would go for "modelling good behaviour" (ie trying to talk it over like grownups) over sneaking off to do the job without talking about it. That's just showing him it's ok to do stuff without talking about it.

magiclady, that's all i wanted really - a bit of a break from the norm, earning some ££ without the responsibility of the DCs for once. He told me that if I wanted to work I should do it in the week when they're at school/nursery (which I do P/T) and not let it interfere with weekends, as he doesn't get any time off in the week and needs a break (it's annoying me just having to write that down! What about my bloody break?!?!)

Admittedly he's been taking home paperwork in the eves and weekends, but there's also regular mention of pub for drinks and meals and take-aways with work mates (his is all on expenses, but I have to watch every penny!)

grrrr off to bed now. wish I hadn't sent that bloody text - I blame you Revolting Peasant, with your very sensible and constructive approach ;-) That's no match for a sulky man with a superiority complex x

The subtext of what your DH s saying is that you should only work/be out of the house when he's working so that you are available to dance attendance on him and allow him to shirk his responsibilities when he's at home.

Subsequent to your text, did you have a converstion with him? If so, what is the current state of play?

If you haven't had a conversation, all is not lost - it's still game on and it's time to up the ante.

You're playing for high stakes - namely, your personal empowerment and the rejuvenation of your tired marriage, but all you have to do is put your poker face on and play to win.

no, he didn't reply and I haven't phoned him.

still haven't mentioned him coming back here on friday night, which I suppose is my main bargaining point. last thing i said to him when he walked out of the door was to be here at 9am on Saturday to look after DCs and that when I get home he can leave and find somewhere else to sleep.

what's next?

I'd stick to him being there on the Saturday to look after your kids. I think you need to be doing something for yourself and get some self-esteem back and be around other people. I don't think you need to worry about missing his family as surely they would still stay in contact with you so they can see your kids. I would not call him at all from now on. It seems like he is well and truelly taking you for granted and not treating you with any respect.
Stay strong and don't start feeling sorry for him. He's being an arse and don't give him the time of day until he starts realise you deserve respect and time to yourself.

I don't think sending him a text was "caving in". I think it's mature. Try not to let this fester until the weekend.

I would think it's a bit grim to work away from home and family all week, so I'd cut him some slack for that. It's probably good that this won't be the case for much longer

If the job offer (or something similar) will come up again, I'd be tempted to let it go this time, so that you can make some time for a proper talk about this, but if you really do need the money, let him know that you would intend to take up the opportunity next time.

Your children are watching both of you to learn how to resolve conflict within the family, so losing your temper and making empty threats ("don't come home") isn't very helpful

So, he doesn't want to care for the kids at the weekends because he views it as more 'work' after he's been working all week. So he expects you to do it, making it a 7-day working week for you with no days off, and a 5-day working week for him, with 2 days off.

Yeah, right, that's fair.

What clam said. If I were you I'd organise a weekend away on my own/with friends. Give him plenty of notice but make clear that this is a fait accompli. Let him spend a weekend doing what you do all week. They're his kids and it's his house too.Why the hell shouldn't he take responsibility?

I know the 'talk it out' responses above are much more sensible, BTW, but I'm buggered if I know why you should be the one to instigate a grown-up conversation while he gets away with being thoughtless and selfish. Perhaps after a weekend looking after his kids he'll feel more inclined to sit down and have a discussion.