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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send DD to school with her homework not done?

80 replies

MumblingRagDoll · 15/05/2011 16:15

She's in year 2 and every weekend is a nightmare...chivvying, threatning, wheedling and explaining about why she must learn her spellings, read her book and do her worksheet.

Today I have managed to get her to do less than half of what is expected. I feel that she should do it....she's on a full bursary at an independant prep. and I feel some pressure to get her to perform....I have not been TOLD that she must do well....but we were given a bursary (unconditional) when we almost left due to a massively bad year and couldn't afford it any more....they said she showed huge promise....she isn't even 7 yet and she's so fricking unbelievably stubborn.

I could cry. DH won't make her as he says "Send her without...let her get in trouble." but I as I said, feel some duty....AIBU to write a note to her teacher about all this or should I just send her with it all half finished and let her do the talking?

OP posts:
escapeartist · 15/05/2011 19:57

babybythesea very well said! It is a partnership and both parts need to work together!
In fact the strategy of 20 mins does work! Especially if it is a visual timer of sorts. Of course it all depends on the child too.

escapeartist · 15/05/2011 19:58

Oops. meant parties not parts...

exoticfruits · 15/05/2011 21:34

The parent needs to play their part in the partnership by giving a quiet place to work, reminding the DC it needs to be done and giving advice if asked and talking to the teacher if there is a problem. If the DC simply doesn't want to do it then they need to take the consequences-there is no point in having a daily fight, bribe, nagging etc.
Mine knew they would be in trouble, everyone else would have done it and they would have missed a playtime at school if they turned up without it-so they got on with it!

bananasinpjamas · 15/05/2011 22:42

Homework at 6?

exoticfruits · 15/05/2011 22:46

Exactly bananas-she is a sensible DD Grin

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 15/05/2011 23:52

I have been quite clear that the work is not too hard for her...I sid twice that she has no trouble in school and what she does at home is a continuation of school work. She loves school....it is the right one for her.

any or most state schools alo have the same amount of HW...so this isn't relevant. I mentioned that I felt pressure due to the bursary ....but someone set my mind at rest over that when they explained that the teachers will be looking at DD in a more holistic way than I can...seeing potential which can develop.

I feel better now that I have resolved to speak to the teacher. I will also be trying the lucky dip idea...so thank you apprenticemum

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 16/05/2011 00:37

My DD1's teacher uses a software programme that sets a timer and plays relaxing but stimulating music while it counts down and hi es warnings when there's 5 minutes left, 3 minutes left

Sounds a bit daft I know but DD1's teacher says it works like a charm when she sets a task fir the kids. Focuses their minds

DD1 loves it and now often uses it hersc when she's writing one of her so complex I can't understand a bloody word fascinating tales at home

Worth a try?

CurrySpice · 16/05/2011 00:37

Excuse the crap typing. Damn iPhone!!

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 16/05/2011 00:42

I wish something like that was viable but DD is a nighmare to even persuede to sit down! She runs off and I have to bring her back...

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 16/05/2011 00:47

Oh lord :(

Does she have any older siblings who she might sit down go work with?

I would def write in her homework book and ask her teacher for some help / strategies

exoticfruits · 16/05/2011 07:27

I have been quite clear that the work is not too hard for her...I sid twice that she has no trouble in school

In that case there is no problem-you just let her take the consequences. She will learn that it has to be done and will stop all the attention seeking fuss having mum running around flapping.
It is her problem and she is making it yours.
She can do it and doesn't want to-let her learn the hard way.

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 16/05/2011 09:07

curry no she is the eldest.....I wanted to talk to her teacher this morning as she did most of her HW in the end except she wrote only 4 of the 10 sentences she was supposed to....she is meant to write 10 sentences with each one including a spelling test word....she cheated and wrote 4 but still managed to get all 10 words in.

But we were a tad late and the teacher had gne in....I will let her take the consequences.

OP posts:
babybythesea · 16/05/2011 09:38

I think you are going to have to let her take the consequences. But I would still have a quiet word with the teacher, explain the problems you face at home - she may use a strategy in class that could be adopted at home. At the very least, the teacher will know it is not disinterest or for want of trying on your part that means homework goes undone. You can ensure that she has somewhere appropriate to work, advice on hand if she needs it etc, and tell the teacher that this is the case. That way, you both know that when work isn't done, it is not because your dd is not getting the support and the teacher can then respond accordingly. As I said, it is not making the teacher responsible for your dd's work even at home, it is working together in partnership to find a solution.

exoticfruits · 16/05/2011 09:51

At the moment she is getting lots of attention through negative behaviour-if you don't want to do something why not make everyone suffer?! I would give her the attention when she is doing the right thing. I would ignore the whole thing except to maybe raise an eyebrow and say, mildly, 'I do think you are brave-I'm glad that it is you explaining to the teacher and not me'.

She wouldn't play up with anyone else-she knows that you are bothered. If you don't want major homework tantrums for the next 10yrs don't play her game!

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 16/05/2011 09:54

Thing is...she gets tonnes of attention...I really don't think that's an issue with her. I work from home...she has a lot of quality time with me and DH...I think I will tell the teacher that we're having problems and see what she suggests. She's a very good teacher and will be sure to know.

OP posts:
Soups · 16/05/2011 10:11

I agree with tell the teachers, are you able to have a quick chat after school?

I struggled for a couple of years with a child who didn't want to read, learn spellings, do homework. So much of out weekends were ruined by stress and tantrums. It's very frustrating when the child spends more time making a fuss, than it would take to complete the work! Then they end up too wound up to concentrate.

Finally I decided to tell my son that I wouldn't make him do it, and it was his responsibility. He's now in year 5, and I think that organization and self motivation are the most important lessons he can get out of homework. I discussed this with the teachers and they were 100% behind me. I set aside regular times where I'm available to help him, I remind him about timings.

Now when he does do his homework his stress levels are much, much lower. He doesn't always get it done on time, but that was his choice, so he has to explain to the teacher. They don't let him off and he has ended up with a back log of work, which takes up his lunch break. This is all starting to sink in. He's a bright lad but highly disorganized, and seems to have no short term memory ;)

The way I've approached it does take into account his age. With a year 2 I'd set a time limit. This is when we sit down, then when the time is up, that's it. Talk to the teacher, and get their advice. I've had my year 1 child's spellings cut right down. He was having 12 and it took him several hours to copy teach word out 4 times. Other children were doing the 4 x's look and cover, plus more on top. It wasn't sinking in for him, so what was the point? He now does 5 and we can concentrate on the sounds that the test are concentrating on. I have bath crayons, so he can do a word then. We use letters on cut out bits of paper, and get him to re-arrange them into the word.

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 16/05/2011 10:16

My DD seems to learn her spellings within a few repetitions just by looking and memorising so I think she's finding the writing a pain....like me, her handwriting is poor...I was just thinking though....she LOVES office supplies...and organisation....so I may get DH to make her a desk and get her some officey things for it...wih containers....then she may enjoy planning and all that....it's a thought anyway.

OP posts:
pugsandseals · 16/05/2011 10:32

Mumbling, some observations from a year 4 parent

1 Do the school have a prep/homework club? This has been DD's saviour & she actually now asks to go to get the homework out of the way before starting her evening/weekend!
2 One of the parents at our prep had trouble with her DS after starting at senior school. She spoke to the school & they agreed to do supervised prep with him after school. Has helped hugely.
3 Another prep mum has 4 children. The eldest (year 4) wouldn't have a hope of concentrating on humework at home & why should she? I remember hating having to do homework as the eldest while watching me younger brother do all the things I wanted to be doing!
4 Please don't be put off by the funding issue. The school are funding for a reason - they have confidence that they can help your child reach their potential. They would be so upset to hear that she has a problem you haven't told them about!

And lastly, if you have faith in the school you should be letting them help in every way they can. ASK - it's what they're there for!

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 16/05/2011 10:37

No homework club pugs......I am planning on speaking to the teacher today, she usually has more time them...thanks for the boost!

OP posts:
Soups · 16/05/2011 14:04

"so I think she's finding the writing a pain", could be. Both mine find hand writing hard, my eldest is having a scribe for his SATs now. The last thing they want to do after school is pick up a pencil.

Good luck if you get to speak to the teacher.

apprenticemum · 17/05/2011 09:43

Did you manage to speak to the teacher re homework. I think you will find that they have heard it all before and have quite a few cunning ploys to mess with the little madam's head. The main thing is to let them know that you are giving it your best from your end and that you are sick of being the bad guy. After explaining to DD that I am trying to keep her out of trouble at school and don't enjoy the weekly homework drama's I refused to get worked up. After calmly setting her down to do the task and explaining that if she needed help, I'd be happy to pitch in, I would say no more on the subject.
If she didn't do as requested I would simply write it up in the homework diary for the primed teacher. Missing break times soon got her focused.
I know it sounds mean but if you loose this battle, Lord help you when she hits secondary school and hormones enter the mix. A stitch in time.......

bigTillyMint · 17/05/2011 09:51

I don't really agree with homework for young children, but it is a fact of life in both private and state schools.

You need to find a regular time and get a routine going - just 5mins a day at that age. And you have to weather the tantrumsWink

My DD hated doing homework at that age, but we found a regular time that was convenient to us all and did a little a day. It became a routine, albeit with plenty of tantrums along the way.
So DS was used to seeing his sister in the routine and slotted in quite easily, albeit with a few tantrums along the way.

DD is now at secondary and self-organises her mountain of homework, and does it very well. DS is doing his on a regular daily basis with support from us as necessary.

TotemPole · 17/05/2011 10:09

It's a shame about no homework club, that would help her get into the routine, then move her doing it at home.

Do they get the homework on a Friday and it has to be in Monday?

exoticfruits · 17/05/2011 10:41

If you are going to have a home work club for 6 yr olds you might just as well make the day half an hour longer and cut out the homework!

TotemPole · 17/05/2011 10:48

In cases similar to the OP's it would be temporary until the child gets used to doing it.

Homework clubs generally take those who have a problem doing the homework at home. It wouldn't be necessary for all the class.