Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send DD to school with her homework not done?

80 replies

MumblingRagDoll · 15/05/2011 16:15

She's in year 2 and every weekend is a nightmare...chivvying, threatning, wheedling and explaining about why she must learn her spellings, read her book and do her worksheet.

Today I have managed to get her to do less than half of what is expected. I feel that she should do it....she's on a full bursary at an independant prep. and I feel some pressure to get her to perform....I have not been TOLD that she must do well....but we were given a bursary (unconditional) when we almost left due to a massively bad year and couldn't afford it any more....they said she showed huge promise....she isn't even 7 yet and she's so fricking unbelievably stubborn.

I could cry. DH won't make her as he says "Send her without...let her get in trouble." but I as I said, feel some duty....AIBU to write a note to her teacher about all this or should I just send her with it all half finished and let her do the talking?

OP posts:
sleepingsowell · 15/05/2011 16:44

Bloody hell. She is 6. You will have a miserable time of it if you try to fight it all so hard. Let her do what she can in the time and then speak to her teacher about it to get some help and advice.

wineisfine · 15/05/2011 16:46

A seven-year-old is not going to have any concept of savings or why taking money she can't see/have away from her is anything other than you being nasty.

Just leave it. Why not make an appointment with the head and explain the issue and see what he/she says about it. This is all waaaay too much pressure for a 7yo IMO and forcing her to do work, or threatening her, or introducing concepts she's too young to understand isn't going to resolve anything and could make things worse.

sleepingsowell · 15/05/2011 16:48

in your OP you say "every weekend is a nightmare"......

How is that helping your family life or your child? What good will pressuring her over this work do in the longer term? Or is it more important that she complies? ARe a few sheets of work more important than nuturing a real love of learning and school. I know many teachers and ALL of them would rather ease up on homework for a child of SIX than have it make them have 'nightmare weekends'.....

Seek some help from the school rather than pressuring her utterly needlessly for this stuff.

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 15/05/2011 16:49

wineisfine she has a very well developed sense of money and knows exactly how much she has saved up. she can see it...she is in charge of it! She's almost 7....of cours she understands money!

Sleeping....but she's not doing "what she can" she's doing what she wants....very different.

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 15/05/2011 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

apprenticemum · 15/05/2011 16:52

I've been there and wear the Tshirt. Mine was a fee paying school too only I was funding it by scrubbing floors so DD's lack of commitment drove me to distraction. I wrote a letter to the headmistress and form teacher explaining the situation and asking them to come down on her like a ton of bricks. This they did. She adores her form teacher and was devastated at upsetting her so much. Now I simply tell her that If she can't be bothered to do her homework, she will have to explain that to her teacher.
Don't worry about her accademic ability just yet, they mature at different ages. The penny dropped for mine when she hit year 5 and she passed the 11+ with flying colours.

exoticfruits · 15/05/2011 16:53

Paying a DC as a bribe is a big mistake IMO. I wouldn't even give it for public exams at 16 and 18yrs. They either want to do it for their own sake by then or there is no point! The ones that can't cope at university are those micro managed by parents.
Just let her get into trouble or if all the fuss is because she can't do it, rather than she doesn't want to do it see the teacher.
If it is can't rather than won't-I would question whether she was in the right school for her.

AgentZigzag · 15/05/2011 16:55

I'm surprised at the amount of posters saying they'd let the teacher deal with their DC not doing work sent to be done at home.

It's not hours and hours of back breaking slog she's been asked to do, just a bit of school work.

Why should the teachers be made responsible for it?

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 15/05/2011 16:55

Yes exotic I also don't feel right paying her to work.

apprenticemum hats off to you! Grin I'm not sure I could have coped with this if I were scrimping to keep her there!

OP posts:
Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 15/05/2011 16:56

That's right zigzag....its not an essay! It's some simple sums, a few sentences nd a bit of reading....she wrtes reams of crap special things about kittens and horses in her personal notebooks so I cannot understand the problem.

OP posts:
sleepingsowell · 15/05/2011 16:57

because it's the teachers who are setting it (and they're only setting it for 6 year olds as a sop to parents anyway, it means nothing)

It's just silly to let yourself be made the 'baddie' in the situation - agree with those saying that it is far more effective to let the teachers know so that they can deal with the 'issue' - rather than sticking yourself in as middle man so that your family weekends are a 'nightmare'

sleepingsowell · 15/05/2011 16:58

Mumbling, I don't know why you've posted, you're so convinced you're right and won't listen to anything 'outside the box'. So as you'll be glad to hear I'm off the thread!

sleepingsowell · 15/05/2011 17:00

Can you not see that your daughter does as she is told and directed all week - and it is far healthier for her long term to write her 'crap' (nice) about the things she wants to write about - that has more value LONG TERM than a couple of simple sums and a bit of directed reading, ALL of which she does at school anyway

now I really am off Wink

AgentZigzag · 15/05/2011 17:02

I don't care whether DD1 thinks I'm the baddie or not sleeping, the school's asked me to do some follow on work to compliment what she's doing there, it's to benefit my DD.

I'd expect her to do it because both me and her teacher have said it needs doing, if she wants to try it on with me she can go ahead, but it won't change the fact that the work will get done in the end.

exoticfruits · 15/05/2011 17:03

If the teacher is setting it for the DC to do at home, take back and mark-where does the parent come into the equation-unless the DC asks for advice?
Mine didn't like getting into trouble-they never ever took up my suggestion of telling MissX it wasn't done-they stopped the fuss and did it.

AgentZigzag · 15/05/2011 17:05

Blimey, it must be really frustrating for you sleepingsowell to be on MN but not be able stay on a thread where the OP disagrees with you.

LIZS · 15/05/2011 17:44

I'd agree with the ploy to do a fixed amount of time - I have had a nuimber of occasions to write a note saying what was achieved in 20 minutes (say) even if the piece of homework is unfinished.

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 15/05/2011 18:16

Well I think I will ask the teacher if she may learn her spellings a different way....she learns them within minutes simply by looking at them and then looking away and repeating them. Its hell this....I feel ver upset now.....I want to do what is right....but not at the expense of her love of learning.

OP posts:
LIZS · 15/05/2011 18:22

dd has used Look, Cover , Write. She writes them out 3 times now before we test.

apprenticemum · 15/05/2011 18:27

I just remembered another ploy to get DD on side. The "Lucky Dip"
I had a party bag into which was placed a variety of incredibly cheap(and I mean never over £1) items individually wrapped in old birthday paper. Charity shops were great for that. They usually have a bits and bobs box for a few pence you can fill the bag. If DD did something merritable, ie getting her spellings or tables right or doing homework with a good heart without nagging, she would get a lucky dip.
The main rule was that they were not given lightly and only I would decide what was worthy. No amount of whining or pestering would make me get the bag out, in fact that would ensure no reward. The secret was that DD would never know when it was coming and soon began to work towards a lucky dip. Funny thing is, they were such crappy litle gifts but she loved them.
Some times when I couldn't be arsed to go into battle for homework I would offer a lucky dip for a great bit of work and usually got it.

WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 15/05/2011 18:36

I agree with those who've said mixing money with HW is a big mistake. By bribing her all you'd do would be giving the impression that HW really IS a horrible chore. And that really would destroy her love of learning!

escapeartist · 15/05/2011 18:47

As a teacher I would like to a)know that it is a struggle and b)help in the way you tackle it. In the past I have worked with parents, creating charts with stickers/smiley faces which goes home and works both as communication and incentive.
Do tell the teacher, if she/he are worth their money they will want to help. It upsets me when the parent has struggled for a long time and I haven't known. On top of that, could there be any other reason she is not so willing to do her HW- ie. could it be too easy (and therefore boring) or hard (either in content or if your DD has some kind of learning difficulty)? Telling the teacher again, gives her/him a heads up to look out for things...

Just a thought

WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 15/05/2011 19:27

"who in their right mind would turn down a free private education because their 6 year old was having a hard time with homework?"

I would, if the school refused to change anything and DD continued to be upset. Because to me that would mean they aren't taking her needs and feelings seriously, and I would not be happy sending my DCs somewhere like that. She's only little, so it's not like a year 10 throwing a strop over coursework, and I totally agree with those who say HW at this age is a joke.

I don't really think the fact it's a free private place is relevant. Just because something has a big price tag doesn't make it better - if my DCs were unhappy anywhere, even if somebody was paying ME to send them there, I'd remove them... Ethos is more important than prestige or an outwardly good education. (obviously you are rather stuck if there's no other spaces).

babybythesea · 15/05/2011 19:30

I was going to second the 'tell the teacher' posters.
I don't think you should make the teacher responsible for it, at all. But, telling the teacher allows you both to be on the same page. You can discuss a couple of strategies and maybe some compromises (such as doing 20 minutes worth of work rather than having to finish it, if it takes your dd longer than that.) At the very least, it means you and the teacher are both saying the same thing.
And if your dd goes in with homework she has refused to do, the teacher is slightly prepared and can react accordingly, depending on the outcome of the discussion that the two of you have had.
Schools and parents should be in partnership, which means everybody doing their bit, which means yes, you need to do something about the homework problems, but it will be hard to know what to do without communicating with the other member of the partnership! You are not abdicating responsibility by discussing it, you are in fact sending out the message that you are concerned and want to do the best you can, and you are prepared to talk about what that might be.
Hope it all works out for you.

exoticfruits · 15/05/2011 19:38

I agree wobbly-it is irrelevent how much it costs, or that you are getting it for free-if it is the wrong school it is doing more harm than good.
Homework shouldn't be a new concept and difficult, it should be an extension of what has already been learnt in the classroom-it's purpose is to make the DC self sufficient and interested-not to have mum sitting down telling her what to do.
I would talk to the teacher- but I am still not clear whether she finds it difficult, or she simply would rather do other things with her time. In the case of my DCs it was not wanting to do it-they were quite capable.