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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross with DP?

57 replies

mumof2teenboys · 14/05/2011 19:37

Bit of a back story to this.

MIL is staying with us while her kitchen is being refitted. She has been here for 10 days.

We don't have the best relationship, she doesn't really approve of me and has said several things over the years that let me know how she feels. DP has not heard any of this, she is quite clever at saying things when its just her and me. He thinks that I over-react to the things she says when I tell him.

The last 10 days have been extremely difficult for me, I struggle to interact with her, partly because of the things she has said in the past and partly because she can ignore me for 7-8 hours at a time. If I ask her a direct question, she will respond but thats about the total of our communication.

She doesn't really enjoy any of the meals I cook, and will eat the smallest amount but make a big issue out of it iyswim.

So, to the issue in hand. AIBU to want to rip his head off shout at him for going out on the piss tonight, its a 'boys' night out so I'm not invited.

He knows how much I'm struggling with her and he's gone out. He told me to 'let her get on with her own thing' but she hasn't spoken to me since he left at 6pm. She is sitting in my lounge wrapped in a blanket because I won't put the heating on.

I don't know whether to laugh, cry or drink all the Wine

So, wise mumsnet, AIBU?

OP posts:
mummynoseynora · 14/05/2011 19:38

drink the Wine

SybilBeddows · 14/05/2011 19:40

yanbu but put the heating on.

Boys2mam · 14/05/2011 19:42

Hmmmm....

I would of said YANBU until I read the bit about the heating. It makes you sound petty and makes me wonder about how you are about other things.

Could the animosity (SP) be mutual?

squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 19:42

Go out yourself, even if it is round to a mates house.

CarGirl · 14/05/2011 19:44

I'm not sure why you need to put the heating on, where are you? I've not had ours on for months.....?

beckibicker · 14/05/2011 19:47

heating? in may?

Original poster
mumof2teenboys · 14/05/2011 19:52

We are in the midlands, its not cold. Why should I be uncomfortable just because she says its cold?

I'm honestly not petty, I have provided all the 'right' food, made sure that the shower is at exactly the right temp for her, turned the T.V over endlessly because our remote is 'too hard' to use.

I have tried so hard, tonight is the final straw.

It's too short notice to go out, it would also be perceived as rude. DIL's are supposed to bend over backwards for MIL's

OP posts:
SybilBeddows · 14/05/2011 19:58

why should you put the heating on - because she's the guest and she probably hates being out of her own house anyway and feels unwelcome and making her be cold is just compounding that?

I'm not saying she's nice, she may not be, but isn't it basic hospitality?

My MIL feels the cold to a ridiculous degree - it's a post-menopausal thing a lot of women get where their internal heating controls go haywire, and she will go around in a coat and scarf on a hot beach in the middle of summer. When we go to stay with her she turns her heating off even though she would prefer it on, and vice versa when she comes here. Isn't that just normal?

Sqee · 14/05/2011 20:01

Get her pissed.

Original poster
mumof2teenboys · 14/05/2011 20:04

I uderstand what you are saying, but she doesn't do it when DP is in the house, only when I'm on my own with her. What am I supposed to do? strip off to my undies? its honestly not cold enough for the heating.

She is used to staying away from home, her family all do it, she doesn't like DP being out. She needs him to be here with her at all times. The problem tonight, is that he is out and I'm getting the silent treatment as a result.

OP posts:
ledkr · 14/05/2011 20:13

my dh once left me to entertain his parents for a whole day the day after id had cvs,i nearly divorced him so the rule now is no dh no pils, yanbu.

Original poster
mumof2teenboys · 14/05/2011 20:54

As a rule, I can handle the nasty little digs, the put-downs and the hostility. i just can't handle feeling like a visitor in my own home.

She makes me want to grab her and shake some civility into her Sad

What more can I do to make the bloody woman accept me?

OP posts:
SybilBeddows · 14/05/2011 21:00

well you can't do anything, if she has issues you can't do anything about that, no matter how nice you are to her.
you need to just step back and think 'she's silly, I won't be horrible to her, because she's dh's mum, I will just treat her in a normal civilised way but not take it personally when she doesn't respond'.
how much longer is she staying?

Sqee · 14/05/2011 21:01

You don't need her acceptance! Gosh shes not the bloody queen! She is just a normal(well maybe) woman who happened to give birth to your DP. Just go with the motions, grin and bear it. You will always be able to look back and say "well at least I tried even if you didn't you bitter old gooseberry of a woman" You are the bigger person here. Don't stoop.

HandMini · 14/05/2011 21:04

I would stick the heating on, then sit down next to her in a vest and shorts to prove your point, and try and get her involved in the wine and a good film! No point in trying to rationalise why she is being such a whiney old annoyer. Your DH owes you BIG TIME. He should take you out for a delicious Sunday lunch tomorrow and buy you an amazing gift - tell him I said so!

Original poster
mumof2teenboys · 14/05/2011 21:09

She doesn't drink, but on the plus side that means more for me!

I'm always pleasant to her, I'm not overly 'nice' but I'm never rude. I do try not to take it to heart.

I don't know how much longer she is staying Sad but its probably going to be at least 3 more days, god how long does it take to fit a f**king kitchen?

OP posts:
FoundWanting · 14/05/2011 21:14

Are you sitting in the same room? Her wrapped in a blanket and you on your lap-top/phone whatever?

Or have you left her on her own in the cold?

If she will answer a direct question, maybe now is the time to ask her why she thinks it is ok to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home?

Wamster · 14/05/2011 21:16

Maybe she is just a miserable person. To be honest, I do not think that she really dislikes you; nobody chooses to stay with another human being for ten days if they dislike them!

Unless she has nowhere else to go, that is. But if this is the case, doesn't it tell you that she is probably unpleasant to everybody NOT just you?

Without wishing to be rude, I think she has accepted you and is just curmudgeonly.
Your dp should not have gone out, though. His mother is here, he should stay in. Hate the idea that dils have to bend over backwards for mils. Politeness and kindnes, yes. Bending over backwards!? That's for the sons to do!

squeakytoy · 14/05/2011 21:17

I would have invited a friend round rather than be stuck in alone with a woman who I dont particularly like!

Original poster
mumof2teenboys · 14/05/2011 21:18

I'm in the same room, only have 1 downstairs room. Its not cold!!!

If I asked her a question like that, her english would suddenly get very bad, or she would just giggle at me.

I'm never going to be forgiven for being me.

OP posts:
SybilBeddows · 14/05/2011 21:19

not knowing how long she's staying must be really hard.
you can't even count the days down....

Original poster
mumof2teenboys · 14/05/2011 21:21

Wamster

She does have other places to go, at least 3 that i can think of, with firm invites.

She is here because that is where she should be, with her son.

Squeakytoy
I would of invited some one round but he only told me about tonight, this morning, he knew that I would be livid.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 14/05/2011 21:23

To answer your original question, no, YANBU. I hope DP has something in mind to make this up to you, he's being a dick, since he knows what a horror his mother can be and how she makes you feel.

Jonnyfan · 14/05/2011 21:25

Put the heating on (I'm in the Midlands and I have mine on) give the old bat a sherry or something and find a film you like. Then point out to DH that he owes you big time!

Wamster · 14/05/2011 21:26

Is it possible, then, that it if she feels her place should be with her son, when she has OTHER options that NOBODY would be quite good enough for him?

If so, then there's nothing you can really do to be accepted by her.

Back to my theory about her being a curmudgeonly old git, is she like this with everybody? If she is, may just be her personality.