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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset by this woman and feel sorry for her son?

54 replies

fyrtlemertile · 14/05/2011 18:52

My first time on here, please be gentle!
I've just got home, having taken a bus. I got on and it was busy, a few spare seats dotted around. I had my twins in a pushchair (aged 8months) and my DS 2.11 with me. I folded up the buggy as it was only light and there was a lady with a newborn in the buggy area. I am now noticeably pregnant too, in just under 4 months. I sat down on one seat with the twins hugged close to my bump on each leg and DS kind of perched in between my legs with my bag behind my feet. DTD2 was bawling but after a while she fell asleep. After 3-4 stops the bus is full and people are standing.

A woman gets on with her son, who looked about 11 and walks up to me and says really aggressively, 'You're in his seat, you've got to move, he's got autism.' At this point I felt a bit nauseous, would have had to moved someone else's pushchair to get to DTDs' and still had about 30mins left of my journey. I said to the woman, verbatim, 'I am very sorry but I'm pregnant, I've got three small children and it will be very difficult for me to move now' as negotiating the twins + DS + my bag to the pushchair rack to stand it up, while the bus was moving would have been near impossible! And even if I'd taken someone else's seat getting up would have woken DTD1 who would have cried for the rest of the journey. A gentleman opposite me said her son could have his seat (I think he was just glad DTD2 was finally quiet!) and several people made similar gestures. I won't lie if the woman had asked me in a nicer manner I might have been more likely to move but she she opened so aggressively!

After the man offered his seat she said, 'why aren't you moving yet?' and I explained again I couldn't really move. At this point she told me I was disgusting getting so close to my face she spat in it and then said to DS 'your mummy is a lazy cow, I hope you have autism so she gets a dose of her own medicine' making him cry.
She then got off the bus throwing her coffee down so it spilled everywhere still ranting. Throughout all of this her son was rocking slightly and chewing his cuff but he didn't look anything other than very marginly distressed!

AIBU in thinking she's not doing her son any favours? She's getting people's hackles up from he get go and making mountains out of molehills, I don't think she's making his life any easier! Maybe I should have moved and stood with my children and I'm sure she had had a tough day but surely that's no excuse for her behaviour?

OP posts:
littleomar · 14/05/2011 18:55

vile woman and unlikely to be doing her son any favours. have wine (oh no, you're preg, have chocolate)

JellyBeansOnToast · 14/05/2011 18:57

She should have ask more politely. She may well have been absolutely exhausted by her son, however, who might have looked calm at that point but been up the entire night stimming. She might also have had to use that aggressive attitude in the past in order to get what she needs to avoid a major meltdown, especially as autism is often an 'invisible' disability.

That said, she should have graciously accepted the other man's offer and she bloody well shouldn't have said that to your child. Wishing autism on anyone is sick. But I'd just put it down to experience and hope it was just a bad day for her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2011 18:58

You had four people using one seat! That's a trick and a half. Well done you. I think, regardless of anything before that, wishing autism on your child was beyond the pale. YWNBU.

littletreesmum · 14/05/2011 18:59

This reply has been deleted

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Journey · 14/05/2011 19:00

Her behaviour isn't normal. I think she needs help. You shouldn't have had to put up with that.

CarGirl · 14/05/2011 19:00

Isn't it surprising that this other woman assumed none of you had an ivisible disability despite her son having one.........

AgentZigzag · 14/05/2011 19:00

YANBU, even if she was having a hellish day and stressed out to the limit, there was no reason at all to be so nasty.

It was unforgivable to talk to your DS and say those awful things.

All credit to you for going such a long way on the bus with three small DC and being pregnant too!

Brave, brave poster Grin

AgentZigzag · 14/05/2011 19:02

I forgot to say I hope what goes around comes around for the lovely man who gave up his seat, and he'll win the lottery tonight for his kindness.

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 14/05/2011 19:02

Nasty, nasty woman, I hope you and your children are all OK.

TheMonster · 14/05/2011 19:02

YANBU. She sounds absolutely vile.

HumphreyCobbler · 14/05/2011 19:02

I think she sounds unhinged.

I feel sorry for her son too.

Original poster
fyrtlemertile · 14/05/2011 19:04

ZigZag, the car was in the garage... Never have I felt astronomical fuel prices and car insurance are more worth the money! I'm glad people are agreeing with me, I have been feeling guilty that I should have moved (not sure how I would have managed it though...)

Littleomar, I am nursing a Brew (decaff)

OP posts:
IDontThinkSoDoYOU · 14/05/2011 19:04

Bloody Hell!

Nuff said.

xx

LordOfTheFlies · 14/05/2011 19:08

"You're in his seat,you've got to move" Whoah!! I know you shouldn't judge till you've walked a mile in someones shoes but this reeks of 'entitlement'
Physically if her 11 yo could stand then he should ( You didn't mention if there was any physical impairment)

GollyHolightly · 14/05/2011 19:08

Absolutely unbelievable!

MrsDrOwenHunt · 14/05/2011 19:10

should have told her to do one

Original poster
fyrtlemertile · 14/05/2011 19:11

no obvious physical impairment LOTF, I think her problem was that he must use a set seat each time he gets on the bus, which seems a habit you'd want to try to break, what if there was someone more, imposing than me in 'his' seat?

OP posts:
saffy85 · 14/05/2011 19:11

YANBU she is doing herself and her son no favours acting that way. Hopefully it was just the result of a shockingly bad day and she isn't always like that.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 14/05/2011 19:13

Were the other passengers shocked by her behaviour?

Bearcrumble · 14/05/2011 19:13

You were very restrained in the circumstances. So sorry she made your poor DS cry.

I'm sure her life isn't a bundle of laughs but there's never any need to talk to people like that, and especially not to upset children. I also feel sorry for her son, it can't be helpful if you're autistic to have a mother who rants and raves and chucks coffee around. Very confusing and unsettling for any child but especially one on the autistic spectrum. Poor kid.

bittersweetvictory · 14/05/2011 19:14

My DS autism and i would never in a million years expect a pregnant woman with 3 small children to move to give him a seat, in fact if my DS was sitting and someone in your position or a really old person came aboard then i would make DS stand and give up his seat, who says its this kids seat anyway, people with autism can be taught manners but with a mother like this in seems unlikely in this poor childs case, she was totally out of order and is doing her DS no favours by not learning him appropriate social skills.

NeverSayPie · 14/05/2011 19:16

Maybe she has issues of her own? Don't just assume she's a horrible person, perhaps she's close to a breakdown or something. It's not as thats a normal way to act.

SummerRain · 14/05/2011 19:16

OMG, you poor thing.

What an absolute horror of a woman, and he poor son having to go through life with that Shock

DS1 is being assessed for a hidden dispability (dyspraxia) and a) I would never wish any disability on even the worst human being I've met and b) he's perfectly able to stand on the bus and I would never expect disabled spaces to be made available to him (and dyspraxia has more movement related issues than autism)

enjoy your Brew and take a deep breathe knowing you were absolutely not BU!

(BTW..... good luck with the pregnancy, you must be exhausted with those age gaps you poor thing)

Original poster
fyrtlemertile · 14/05/2011 19:17

myBOY, there was the gentleman who offered his seat who seemed very good at trying to diffuse the conflict, he had a headmasterly/policeman air about him! then there were a few tuts but mainly people suddenly became very interested in their paper/ipod/mobile etc Hmm I suppose I don't blame them!

OP posts:
moomaa · 14/05/2011 19:17

You shouldn't have moved. You did the right thing. I wouldn't have moved and would have said that I'm sure someone else will move if you ask nicely. I would have been absolutely infuriated by her talking to your child like that but I'm not sure what you could have said.

There is NO excuse to be mean to a child and no excuse for speaking to you like that. I can't believe that any posters here would suggest that allowances could/should be made. Many people have difficult lives and don't act like this.