Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To be really upset by this woman and feel sorry for her son?

54 replies

fyrtlemertile · 14/05/2011 18:52

My first time on here, please be gentle!
I've just got home, having taken a bus. I got on and it was busy, a few spare seats dotted around. I had my twins in a pushchair (aged 8months) and my DS 2.11 with me. I folded up the buggy as it was only light and there was a lady with a newborn in the buggy area. I am now noticeably pregnant too, in just under 4 months. I sat down on one seat with the twins hugged close to my bump on each leg and DS kind of perched in between my legs with my bag behind my feet. DTD2 was bawling but after a while she fell asleep. After 3-4 stops the bus is full and people are standing.

A woman gets on with her son, who looked about 11 and walks up to me and says really aggressively, 'You're in his seat, you've got to move, he's got autism.' At this point I felt a bit nauseous, would have had to moved someone else's pushchair to get to DTDs' and still had about 30mins left of my journey. I said to the woman, verbatim, 'I am very sorry but I'm pregnant, I've got three small children and it will be very difficult for me to move now' as negotiating the twins + DS + my bag to the pushchair rack to stand it up, while the bus was moving would have been near impossible! And even if I'd taken someone else's seat getting up would have woken DTD1 who would have cried for the rest of the journey. A gentleman opposite me said her son could have his seat (I think he was just glad DTD2 was finally quiet!) and several people made similar gestures. I won't lie if the woman had asked me in a nicer manner I might have been more likely to move but she she opened so aggressively!

After the man offered his seat she said, 'why aren't you moving yet?' and I explained again I couldn't really move. At this point she told me I was disgusting getting so close to my face she spat in it and then said to DS 'your mummy is a lazy cow, I hope you have autism so she gets a dose of her own medicine' making him cry.
She then got off the bus throwing her coffee down so it spilled everywhere still ranting. Throughout all of this her son was rocking slightly and chewing his cuff but he didn't look anything other than very marginly distressed!

AIBU in thinking she's not doing her son any favours? She's getting people's hackles up from he get go and making mountains out of molehills, I don't think she's making his life any easier! Maybe I should have moved and stood with my children and I'm sure she had had a tough day but surely that's no excuse for her behaviour?

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 14/05/2011 19:18

She spat in your face?

That's assault and you should have reported the incident to the police

Original poster

fyrtlemertile · 14/05/2011 19:20

In fairness she didn't spit on purpose, she was just doing that shouty spitty thing with little goblets. vom.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 14/05/2011 19:21

I don't think that is the behaviour of someone just having a bad day, it must be in her character somewhere to say such spiteful things to a small child.

A bad day and you'd perhaps tut/roll eyes/go off muttering etc, but not to be so confrontational.

Grumpla · 14/05/2011 19:23

YANBU, but I feel sorry for them both. People just don't behave that way unless they are mentally unstable and / or at the very end of their tether. Perhaps she has had the day / week / month / year from hell. She had to blow up and part of her chose a vulnerable 'target' for that rage - you (pregnant with multiple kids - you were hardly going to get up and lamp her one were you?)

It doesn't make it fair and it must have been horrible but please try and put it behind you - and be grateful you will most probably never see her again.

I think under the circumstances a very small glass of wine or a very large bar of chocolate would be thoroughly deserved.

ScarlettWalking · 14/05/2011 19:23

She sounds unhinged. You must be really shaky after that relax and have a nice cup of tea.

Seriously that was a verbal assault you and your son suffered there.

280169 · 14/05/2011 19:23

sounds an awful experience for you your children and the boy,yanbu my son has learning difficulties and i would not wish it on anyone else even though he is totally lovely

shrinkingnora · 14/05/2011 19:26

Perhaps she is related to the lovely woman who I shared a bus with when I was 5 months pregnant with DS2 - I asked a nice lady to move so I could sit down and she said of course no, problem (pelvic and back problems plus violent morning sickness) and this woman loudly ranted about what a fat lazy cow and a stupid bitch I was and that I was pregnant, not ill and it was disgusting that pregnant women expected special treatment etc etc etc And every sentence had at least one f word in. I was terrified. No one said anything to her at all (full bus in morning rush hour), although a lady who got off at the same stop as me apologised for not saying anything and asked if I was OK. It was horrid. Well done on the impressive child balancing act - maybe a new career as a circus troupe?! - and congrats on the pregnancy.

TheHumanCatapult · 14/05/2011 19:26

hell sorry i think there sno exsucus for it ds3 has sn and moblity problems and im in a wheelchair and i would not spoken like that to anyone .Having a disability or a child with sn does not mean that kind of language is acceptable even if on a bad day

holderness · 14/05/2011 19:49

She most probably was unhinged. She had no way of knowing if you had a disability as well as 3 small children and a pregnancy to deal with. She was just out and out nasty.
Nothing you could have done to mitigate the situation. She would have had an answer to anything you said. (How do people like her do that?)

PumpkinSnatch · 14/05/2011 19:55

No excuse but maybe the child would have had a complete meltdown if he didn't get to sit in his special seat. I don't know enough about autism to know whether or not that's a habit you could or should break.
It sounds like she was either at the absolute end of her tether or has mental health problems. YANBU though - I wouldn't have moved either (may have done if she'd have explained nicely and dryly).

hugglymugly · 14/05/2011 20:19

The very little I know about autism is what I've learned here, and maybe that mother was at the end of her tether. But it seems that her child was coping with the situation better than she was at the time - and I would guess that can happen sometimes when parents have to cope day in and day out, often with little support.

But her whole behaviour seems over the top. Surely if she could see the situation you were in, with three very young children, she would have seen the impossibility of you moving, and have coping mechanisms already in place from prior experience of her and her son having to sit somewhere else.

As I've said, I know so very little about autism and the daily stress involved. But when I read the OP I had this small niggling thought at the back of mind that if instead of a mother and three small children, the passenger in that seat would have been a 6+ ft, 20+ stone biker, complete with leathers and tattoos, maybe the behavour would have been different. (Apologies to everyone I might have inadvertently insulted, but that's my gold standard for assessing other people's behaviour - would they have said/behaved the same to me if I'd been a big bloke instead of a small female.)

scaryteacher · 14/05/2011 22:17

The OP didn't say that she was in a disabled seat, and presumably the buses are different each time, so it won't be 'his' seat. What if an old lady had been in it?

keepingupwiththejoneses · 14/05/2011 22:37

I think her problem was that he must use a set seat each time he gets on the bus, which seems a habit you'd want to try to break

With a child with autism it is not a habit it more of an uncontrollable need that can cause huge stress for the child and the mother for days. While I agree this woman should have been a lot nicer, the above is not a helpful attitude. If that was me with my ds, who has Autism I would have explained and offered to help, I would certainly not have spoken to a little boy like that, I would never with Autism on anyone, ever!

crashingwaves · 14/05/2011 22:53

How awful - fancy having a go at a pregnant woman and a baby :( bloody bullies!

I just CANNOT understand it, I was always taught that you should give your seat to elderly or pregnant ladies! I always do but I do worry in case someone thinks they aren't "old" or that they aren't pregnant!

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 14/05/2011 22:58

She sounds off her rocker.

My children both have autism and they are very obsessive and I would never make such demands of someone or talk to them in such a way.

There's no excuse for it.

pigletmania · 14/05/2011 23:16

YANBU at all, there is no excuse for that dreadful behaviour. My dd aged 4 has possible ASD, social communication difficulties with speech and lang developmental delay, and she really brings out the worse in you sometimes, but I always plaster a smile on my face and make the effort to be polite to people. Her poor ds, as for wishing Autism upon anyone let along a child is , what a nasty and vile woman.

pigletmania · 14/05/2011 23:21

Yes I agree with another poster, just because the child has Autism does not mean they cannot be taught right from wrong and basic manners, what the hell is this behviour teaching her poor ds. As for being HIS seat, no its not its for anybody who sits in it.

CocktailQueen · 14/05/2011 23:38

What a complete bitch. I don't think autism means that a child has a problem with STANDING. What an unreasonable cow, and how upsetting for you all.

HalfPastWine · 14/05/2011 23:48

She definitely sounds unhinged, possibly having some mental health issues of her own.

nijinsky · 14/05/2011 23:55

Perhaps she also had autism. It sometimes does have a genetic link.

bleedingstill · 14/05/2011 23:58

She my have had mental health issues. That is outwith the accepted norms of decent behavior. Don't be quick to judge.

nailak · 14/05/2011 23:59

i am amazed you manaed to move the twins on to your lap, fold puch chair etc

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 15/05/2011 00:14

I agree with a previous poster ASD for some can mean an obsessive NEED to do things the same way in the same place in the same order and can cause great stress. So it's not that the kid has a problem standing but might have a meltdown if not in "his" seat, in the same way that s person with OCD might need to switch a light on 10x before going into a room for example.

That said how the mother dealt with it was disgusting and probably caused her own son stress by doing so. Wishing ASD on another child is horrible and shocking I can't believe a mother would do that. She sounds like a horrible woman I feel for her son who will have a difficult life as it is without a mother like that.
YANBU

MollyMurphy · 15/05/2011 00:46

I'm upset just reading that - what rude cow. I would have had to restrain myself from telling her to piss off in front of the children. Asking a pregnant woman with two babies purched on her knees and a two year old between them to move because apparently her son is entitled to that particular seat on a public bus) - some people are unbelievable.

springydaffs · 15/05/2011 08:39

Mental health problems, clearly. Please don't take it personally OP - it is almost laughable (if it weren't so horrible to be on the end of) that she demanded a pg woman, with two babies plus a toddler to move!! She and her son are probably on the ss radar - I expect so. Thank goodness people stuck up for you - that's the worst, when nobody does anything

Flip

1 2 3