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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want another baby- my husband says he's too old- AIBU or is he

70 replies

BimboNo5 · 13/05/2011 15:58

He is 41, 42 in August

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/05/2011 15:59

He isnt too old, but it depends on other factors too, such as how many you already have, and maybe he wants a bit more time just with you, not another few years of coming second to a childs needs. :)

thisisyesterday · 13/05/2011 16:01

maybe he just feels too old. he's allowed to not want another child.

Original poster
BimboNo5 · 13/05/2011 16:02

Of course he's allowed- as I am allowed to WANT another child!

OP posts:
bluepaws · 13/05/2011 16:02

if he doesnt want to, thats a good enough reason

Original poster
BimboNo5 · 13/05/2011 16:03

He hasn't said he doesnt want one he just says he's too old.

OP posts:
ashamedandconfused · 13/05/2011 16:04

DH best friend has just become a first time dad at the age of almost 44! Dh joked hes glad its not him starting now.
another close male friend has a 3 yr old and he is 55! He worries about being an old man when his DD is a teen, but she was a much longed for and long awaited first baby who is adored.

Age is a convenient excuse - there are probably other reasons - and you need to have a proper chat about all the implications of this

NettoSuperstar · 13/05/2011 16:05

I feel too old for more at 33.
It's not about the number, it's about how he feels about it.

ashamedandconfused · 13/05/2011 16:05

may we sk, Op, how many you already have and how old YOU are. Also do either of you have kids from previous relationships - not meaning to be rude but this often affects peoples perceptions of their family being "done"

ashamedandconfused · 13/05/2011 16:05

should say ASK not "sk"

lubberlich · 13/05/2011 16:06

I was 42 when I became a mum for the first time.
Is he too old? No of course not.
But it certainly sounds like he doesn't want one and is using age as an excuse.

Original poster
BimboNo5 · 13/05/2011 16:12

Only got kids together- a 6 and 4 year old. Im 30.

OP posts:
EdithWeston · 13/05/2011 16:13

It doesn't really matter how many examples of happy new dads in their 40s we can come up with. It's not going to persuade him.

And age might just be a pretext or handy excuse. If he doesn't want to, then he doesn't want to. A very sad situation for you though.

ashamedandconfused · 13/05/2011 16:18

anyone who feels sympathy for Bimbo may like to see her opinions on the "smoking in pg thread"

Original poster
BimboNo5 · 13/05/2011 16:19

Ashamed why on earth are you bringing my views on another thread onto here? What the hell has that got to do with anything? Fool.

OP posts:
doley · 13/05/2011 16:25

I think he is feeling worn out .

My DH was 39 when our first was born and 49 when we had our 3rd !

Although ,he looks a good 10 years younger ,he is now totally done now with having anymore ...me too as it goes Grin

Sorry though (for you )

thisisyesterday · 13/05/2011 16:28

i don't think i understand the question then Bimbo.

if you are asking is he physically too old to have a baby, then no, he isn't... but you already knowt hat anyway

if you're asking whether he, as an individual, feels as if he is too old for more children, well that's something that we cannot answer, but he already has

thisisyesterday · 13/05/2011 16:29

"He hasn't said he doesnt want one he just says he's too old."

that IS him saying he doesn't want another one.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/05/2011 16:31

Well, he isnt to old but if he doesnt want another one.............maybe that is just an excuse.

Shitty situation really as there is no compromise - I have one DS and always wanted another but DH didnt want one so we didnt have one. Am totally ok with it now, DS is 8 and my life is easy.......you both have to be commited to wanting a baby. I know a few couples whose husbands didnt really want a second baby but had one anyway......their marriages arent good!

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 13/05/2011 16:32

Neither of you are being unreasonable.

There is not a right view and a wrong view.

There is only his opinion, which is right for him.

And your opinion, which is right for you.

You cannot make someone have a child that they don't want. It is wrong to bring a child into the world when one of their parents does not want them.

You have the right to want another child.

But you don't have the right to force another child on someone else.

So, really, this isn't about who is going to win. If you can't agree, then you have to decide what you want more. Another baby may mean finding a man who wants one. That's fairly drastic.

TyIsAnob · 13/05/2011 16:32

It sounds to me like your dh doesnt want another tbh, and he is using age as an excuse to spare your feelings.

pinkthechaffinch · 13/05/2011 16:34

DH is the same age and also feels he is too old -2 year old dd tires him out.

But I am 33 and also feel too old for anymore -don't want to put my body through another pregnancy when it still hasn't recovered from the last one

Everyone is different but your dh is not alone. I was 16 when my dad was 40 and he aged a lot in his forties Sad.

Ormirian · 13/05/2011 16:34

Well I am 46 and I have definitely struggled with DS2 (our 3rd). He was born when I was 38 and I found it much much harder than with my older 2. I love him to bits but it has been more of a marathon than a walk in the park Grin

geordieminx · 13/05/2011 16:38

My Dh decided at 45 he didn't want another one, we have ds 4, I am the same age as you.

It was hard to accept at first, but looking into the future I could see Dh didn't want to have a 13/14 year old at 60, and I had to accept that.

FabbyChic · 13/05/2011 16:38

To be honest I do feel it is a bit old, by the time you get to that age you want to be able to be yourself again not have to get up in the night and change nappies.

Have a long discussion with him, however you do already have two and he has said he doesn't want any more if that is going to be his stance on it you will have to be happy with what you have.

Original poster
BimboNo5 · 13/05/2011 16:47

LOL he has never 'got up in the night and changed nappies'

OP posts: