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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want another baby- my husband says he's too old- AIBU or is he

70 replies

BimboNo5 · 13/05/2011 15:58

He is 41, 42 in August

OP posts:
Oblomov · 13/05/2011 16:53

We had ds2 when I was 36 and dh 45. We both agree that we are far too old for all this nonsense.
Seeing as none of you have any idea how he feels at his age, to discredit his reasons seems unreasonable. They sound valid to me.
I feel very very old all of a sudden. The diabetes that i had my whole life never really affected me. But my diabetes for the last seven years, since birth ds1, has been ageing like you couldn't appreciate.

His reason of feeling too old, could be very valid and could very well be the true reason.

wfrances · 13/05/2011 16:55

my husband had his vasectomy at 32 because he did not want anymore children,and felt very strongly about it.
i would have loved to have more.

wfrances · 13/05/2011 16:58

sorry should have added it was as he felt he was getting too old for this malarky and having the children close together completely emotionally and finacially drained him.he did not want to go through it again.

confuddledDOTcom · 13/05/2011 17:02

Well I'd have to say him because OH was 40 when our eldest was born and is 45 now waiting for our youngest.

But to some extent I think age is what you feel.

DilysPrice · 13/05/2011 17:11

I think that broken nights and chasing toddlers are tough enough when you're in your mid 30s, let alone your mid-40s, and I certainly wouldn't relish the teenage years in my late 50s, although of course some people do both perfectly happily. But I don't think he's being unreasonable.

glendathegoodwitch · 13/05/2011 17:25

i am amazed by how many people (at work and friends and seemingly on here) have had the decision on how many DC they have, made by the male!!!

considering the majority of women do the majority of childcare (usually) and it is their bodies that go through pregnancy and childbirth it shocks me that if they are denied the chance to stop having children when they are ready!!!!

i have been through this myself and although DH had valid points about our kids getting older (13, 11 - both ss, 10 & 5), money, room in the house, age etc.... i wouldnt shift in my need for another (i'd have 6 more if we had the room but 1 more we can manage) and so im happy with this pg being our last one!!!! i am glad my hubbie is soo laid back!!!

i do feel for women who have the decision made for them!!!!

Clytaemnestra · 13/05/2011 17:32

My DH is 38 and firmly feels too old for another. And it is purely age - we've had a conversation where he said it was a real shame as actually he would really like a second in some ways, but just feels that he is too old. I'm 31 and don't really mind for various non-age related reasons, but just wanted to say that sometimes it purely is age that is the issue, it doesn't need to be a pretext for anything else.

TeacupTempest · 13/05/2011 17:35

I am going to say your husband ibu.......but thats because I am pregnant with our first and DH will be 40 when its due!

scottishmummy · 13/05/2011 17:44

if dh doesnt want a baby cant compel him.it is not a given that anyone has lots or a baby everytime get broody.and you both need to mutually want another baby.and ignore any misplaced advice to accidentally get pregnant

do listen to what hes telling you

Original poster
BimboNo5 · 13/05/2011 17:49

Just annoys me a bit. He decided we could go ahead and TTC with DD. he decided WHEN we had DS. He can now effectively decide 'thats it- no more'

OP posts:
Original poster
BimboNo5 · 13/05/2011 17:50

Oh he also decided he didnt want the child we didnt plan 10 years ago and that 'we' should have a termination.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 13/05/2011 17:52

glenda of course there needs to be negotiation and discussion about number of children a couple chose to have.especially if woman relies on partner wage.cant just keep getting up duff regardless,esp on a finite amount of money.its a bit earth goddess bare foot and pregnant to say women should just have baby every time they get broody

pragmatically need to consider many factors
money
motivation and commitment
space/environment
stamina
existing quality of life

and that why couples men and women do need to make choices and comprise.not just breed when broody

responsible parenting is about taking hard choices and negotiation between man and woman

HubbaHubbaBubba · 13/05/2011 17:54

It's very hard Bimbo and I sympathise. I started a thread a while back about who got to decide whether DH and I went on to have a fourth child - I want one and DH doesn't. The general consensus was that it had to be the one who didn't want another - essentially because otherwise you'd be bringing an unwanted (by one of its parents anyway) child into the world.

It is a hard pill to swallow, but I did come round to this opinion (sadly) :(

Just seen the termination bit of your last post - that must really hurt, especially as he's using his age as a factor to not have one now (although, like other posters have suggested, I reckon that he's just using his age as an excuse (albeit a valid one) not to want another.

Bunbaker · 13/05/2011 18:04

"i am amazed by how many people (at work and friends and seemingly on here) have had the decision on how many DC they have, made by the male!!!"

Why? I'm not. The decision to have a/another child is often taken by both parents. I agree with scottishmummy's comments. It is irresponsible to just go ahead and have another baby without taking your partner's feelings into consideration.

Regardless of whether the mother does most of the childcare, a responsible father would still be involved in the child's upbringing, not to mention the impact that having another baby has on the family's lifestyle.

SoupDragon · 13/05/2011 18:07

"He hasn't said he doesnt want one he just says he's too old."

Er... saying he is too old to have another means he doesn't want one!!

Shakirasma · 13/05/2011 18:54

My DH was 26 when he first became a father. He was 40 when our youngest was born.

He would absolutely declare that 40+ is too old. He found the first year with the baby more exhausting than anything else in his life. He is a wonderful father and very hands on but there is no denying that his body is not what it was in his 20's. And although IMO he has been just as active with our youngest child as he has the others, it certainly takes it's toll on him and he believes our son is missing out because he hasn't got the stamina for it anymore.

PatriciaHolm · 13/05/2011 19:01

He thinks he's too old - then yes, for him, his current age is too old. Just as, for me, having DC at 19 would have been far too young, but for SIL it was fine.

It's a personal decision, and he's decided he can't deal with any more DC. "He can now effectively decide 'thats it- no more'" - well yes, he can, you can't force someone to have a baby.

It's a discussion that comes up time and time again, and it is a terribly hard situation to be in. However, when it comes down to it, I think the worse thing would be to have a child when one parent doesn't want it; bringing another person into the world when one parent explicitly doesn't want it is a dreadful thing to deliberately do to a child.

CrystalQueen · 13/05/2011 19:51

My DH feels the same. I am 34 and he is 40, and our DD is 28 months. I feel a bit cheated, because I am definitely not too old. Part of it for him is that he looks after DD while I work, and he wants to go back to work. But because I earn much more than him I can't give up work to look after any more DC (there's no way he could earn enough for me to SAHM). But I will just have to suck it up I suppose - I do see his point of view as well.

Deesus · 13/05/2011 20:00

My dad was 43 when he had me (I'm the youngest). In many ways I think this was a good thing - having a dad who's a bit older does have advantages. He was more mature than my friend's dads for certain!

However, I'm now 30 and he's 73. Growing up in my 20's the thought of him dying before he saw me get married or have children played on my mind a lot (it still does). Sorry if that sounds a bit morbid but just wanted to put something out there as to how the children might feel.

Xenia · 13/05/2011 20:04

If loverboy is giong to cradle snatch with you then he has to realise you marry a younger woman and you're saddled with childern into older life. That's the deal. Had he married a woman of 41/42 like him then he might not have this issue. These big age gaps are never a good idea and he's now paying the price. He has to take the rough with the smooth. Anyway you should have both agreed numbers before you married to avoid this kind of thing.

JoniRules · 13/05/2011 20:35

My DP was 40 when we had DS1 and 43 when we had DD2.

delillah247 · 13/05/2011 20:38

Xenia - Whoa there. You can't say big age gaps are never a good idea. There is 17 years between me and dh, we have 2 dcs, yes maybe i would have liked another one in my early 30's, but dh felt the financial pressure of a 3rd child would be too much, but that would have been the case regardless of our ages.

maxpower · 13/05/2011 20:44

Bimbo, neither you or your DH are being unreasonable, it's just that you want different things. Is there a chance that you have some resentment about the termination (as the language you used suggested your DH made the decision) and now you think he should repay you somehow by agreeing to have another child? I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk about it all.

RamblingRosa · 13/05/2011 20:44

What Hectate said. You and your DH hold different points of view. Doesn't mean one of you is unreasonable. One of you wants one thing. One of you wants another. The two things are mutually exclusive. And there's no compromise position.

YANBU but nor is he.

ZhenXiang · 13/05/2011 20:46

DH's dad is in his 60's and his youngest is 2, you are as young as you feel!