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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want another baby- my husband says he's too old- AIBU or is he

70 replies

BimboNo5 · 13/05/2011 15:58

He is 41, 42 in August

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 14/05/2011 18:10

is your dh dad rod stewart he still knocking em out

Pedallleur · 14/05/2011 18:46

You can if you have money and all that comes with it

jubilee10 · 14/05/2011 19:54

Ds3 (4) was born when I was 42 and dh was 58. You are only as old as you feel!

FleeBee · 15/05/2011 07:38

My FIL became a father for the third time at 61. However, I wouldn't use them as a good example as DH's family are very ODD.

MumblingRagDoll · 15/05/2011 08:10

Bimbo I have a 6 year old and a 3 ear old...my DH is 38 and I am 39....I wanted another and DH sys no.

I've accepted it. Even though I probably only have a few more fertile years I understand that as I have 2, he is not being unreasonable. NOw if he ws trying to mke me stop at 1 then I would imo have something to complain about.

BeeMyBaby · 15/05/2011 08:18

Perhaps you should have discussed how many children you wanted and roughly when before you got married? Then you would know if he really didn't want more children, or if he felt now was past the time that he felt able to have another.

exoticfruits · 15/05/2011 08:30

Gosh-I thought he was going to be really old!!!
However, it is never a good idea to force people to your view.

iscream · 15/05/2011 09:20

"
responsible parenting is about taking hard choices and negotiation between man and woman"
Exactly right.
He will be in his 50's when they are teenagers, and teenagers are sometimes very challenging, and stressful. If he feels now he is too old for more children, he is probably right. I know it is hard when you would like to have more, but you probably will have grandchildren to lavish with love later on.

pink4ever · 15/05/2011 09:35

OP-I am in a similiar position. We have 3 dcs(3rd not planned exactly!). If I am being completely honest I would probably like one more but dh has said no(many reasons including financial-we have really struggled since having 3rd) but also due to his age(he is 10 years older than me).
I personally dont think he is too old-quite a few of my friends have only started having their families in the past few years-ie late thirties/early forties. But his family made some nasty comments about being too old when pregnant with 3rdAngry. Mainly bil who had kids young and is in fact a pretty shit dad!.
However my dh has dithered for past three years over going for a vasectomy(and is also crap at using contraception!) so I have pointed out to him that if he really doesnt want another one then it is up to him to do something about it!. I think you should put this to your dh and see how he reacts.

lynehamrose · 15/05/2011 11:01

Well obviously he's not too old, but it sounds like he just doesn't want more, so maybe is using this as a bit of a 'reason' because he thinks it sounds better than just 'no I'm happy with two'

Your children are 6 and 4 so tbh if you start thinking about another child you're realistically talking about having two children well established in school and then starting over with a newborn. I expect he just feels ready to move on to the next stage.

Original poster
BimboNo5 · 15/05/2011 12:10

I dont get the 'oh well you have two- be happy about it' attitude. I would like more children and DH as always is dictating this cant happen. How is it actually fair?

OP posts:
Rainbow · 15/05/2011 12:28

I haven't read all of this but I think you two need to talk and get a definite I want / don't want another child. I was 20 when I had DS1 and 36 when I had DS4. I was considered too young and too old but was I? IMO No!. DH is Dad to all four but only fathered DS4. He was 44 when he became a father for the first time yet my cousin who is a month older than DH is a grandfather. It is how you both feel that makes you too old/young. Years and numbers aren't everything. My dad is an old 60yo while my uncle is relatively young in comparision (they're twins). Your decision needs to be based on feeling and not just numbers x

TrillianAstra · 15/05/2011 12:34

It's not fair.

But it would be more unfair if the person who did want children got to decide, so that the one who didn't want more was forced to have children that they didn't want. Unfair on them and unfair on the children.

Choices:
1 - accept that he doesn't want more children, leave and find someone else to have more children with
2 - accept that he doesn't want more children, stay and don't have any more
3 - try to talk him around (more than you have done already)
4 - get pregnant without him knowing (with the risk that he will leave you, or be resentful of you and/or the child)

redskyatnight · 15/05/2011 12:53

If your youngest is 4, it sounds like he means "too old to go through the baby/toddler stage again". If your youngest is 4, are you thinking you'd like another baby because s/he is about to start school and you're feeling a bit lost (which seems to be quite a common feeling about several mums I know). I think you both need to think about why you feel as you do and is those feelings are insurmountable.

quirrelquarrel · 15/05/2011 12:56

We know a family where the mother is late 20s and the father had his first kids (twins) mid 50s...they now have four kids, he must be around 60, and they're a lovely family.

lynehamrose · 15/05/2011 13:10

It is just as unfair to expect someone to father a child when they don't want another one.

I think redsky makes a valid point, and I know several women who have done a similar thing - had two children close in age, and then when the youngest is starting school, they want a 3rd, and the danger is, it might be about trying to fulfil your need to feel needed IYSWIM rather than genuinely wanting to extend your family. The problem with that, is that you'd feel the same when your 3rd starts school- it's potentially never ending! So its worth reflecting on why, at this stage, you feel so strongly about wanting another.
I also agree that your DH can envisage a time now when your lives are moving into a new phase, your children are growing up and able to do different family activities, you will be financially better off as childcare bills reduce.... He isn't being mean or mercenary- its simply a case of having enjoyed your children as babies and toddlers and being ready to move on

BarbarianMum · 15/05/2011 13:19

BNo5 - of course your dh can't dictate that you can't have any more children, only that he is not going to (you can always leave and find someone else).

Xenia - I've never understood how you can agree the no. of children you are going to have before you have them. Sure you can talk about it but how on earth can you know how you are going to feel about no. 3 until 1 and 2 are there? Do you feel people should be forced to have as many as they originally agreed to if their feelings or circumstances change?

Bunbaker · 15/05/2011 13:36

"I dont get the 'oh well you have two- be happy about it' attitude."

I do. I struggled to have one. I would have been extremely happy to have been able to have another. Count your blessings.

"I would like more children and DH as always is dictating this cant happen. How is it actually fair?"

And how is it fair that he should be overruled? I think TrillionAstra has covered it all. It isn't all about you and what you want. You only account for a quarter of the family. I have seen too many marriages fall apart because the mother wanted more children and dad didn't. In these cases mum went ahead and dad left.

You need to weigh up the pros and cons for all of you and consider that it isn't just about what you want.

MarioandLuigi · 15/05/2011 13:39

Why post on AIBU if you have already decided you are not, and attack anyone that suggests your DH is entitled to his opinion.

Did you not discuss this before you got married?

AdelaofBlois · 15/05/2011 18:44

I'm struggling with the same issue for different reasons-in fact both of us would probably like another child, but I find the practical diffculties overwhelming and worry about our two kids. Because I'm a total prat this manifests itself by my brooding over pregancy and babies in front of my partner, then going all 'yeah but' when she responds with enthusiasm for being pregnant. You should think yourself lucky you haven't got a stupid DH like me, but an open and sensible sort of man.

I really think if one partner says no, even if it's just because they want the spare room for their collection of Star Wars dolls, then the answer for you two has to be 'no', and the only question is whether you want another baby more than the relationship. One member of my family sabotaged her partner's contraception to try and force his hand, and the result is both revealed themsleves as total shits-she's now a single mum and nauseatingly self-pityingly aggrieved, her second child is blanked by his 'Dad'.

The earlier termination horrifies me, though. I would assume that me and my partner fucked in a way where I knew she might get pregnant, the choice became hers (because otherwise I'm saying things about her choice over her body which make the sex itself disgusting and exploitative). YANBU to think he owes you big time. But that won't solve the future problems of your relationship with each other and an unwanted child.

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