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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to find my friend's rich people problems tedious?

66 replies

stillstanding · 13/05/2011 13:46

A friend of mine is completely loaded. They have bought a mansion (really a mansion ... by anyone's standards) recently and are now renovating it. I see her regularly and she is constantly complaining about the house, the architect, the interior designer, the kitchen people, all the decisions that have to be made, how there is no time to choose the bathroom tiles (this despite the fact that she doesn't work and her two children are in nursery three days a week) blah blah. And I am finding it really, really wearing ....

I know that everyone's problems are relative. And I also know that, even though my own life is not a complete doddle, I don't have any Real Problems compared to some. But it is very hard to hear someone complaining about something that is beyond your own wildest dreams. These are problems I would love to have. (Possibly something that someone else could say about me too, to be fair.)

Anyway, my question is this: Is it my duty as a dutiful friend to accept the fact that this is what is going on in her life at the moment and everyone's problems are different and then to listen attentively to her issues and nod (pretend-)knowingly at how hard it is to find bathroom tiles for seven bathrooms, how you just can't find a decent bath for under £5k, commiserate over the smallness of the orangery (which costs just more than half the value of my own house) etc? Or is it ok to say (to myself anyway) that this is indeed very tedious, my friend should know better than to be such a spoilt brat and then try to move the conversation swiftly away from the house every time it comes up until she gets the message?

I don't want to be a miserable (and - undeniable this - jealous) git but I can't work out if I am being just that and that, to be a good friend to her, I have to let her vent at whatever she chooses to vent about or if it is reasonable to think this whingeing is not terribly reasonable either and that if she was a good friend she wouldn't be flaunting her wealth albeit unconsciously ....

OP posts:
Hullygully · 13/05/2011 13:49

yes it is.

but it doesn't mean that you can't tease her and point out the ironies.

and tell her how you feel if she is genuinely a friend.

FunnysInTheGarden · 13/05/2011 13:50

she sounds tedious to me and I would be avoiding meeting up where possible. Rich or poor, anyone going on and on about thier own lives is dull.

Backinthebox · 13/05/2011 13:51

What should she talk about then? They are issues in her life right now, and you are her friend.

mumblechum1 · 13/05/2011 13:52

Exactly. Even if she had a two up two down, talking about bathroom tiles is yaaaaaaawn

Punkatheart · 13/05/2011 13:53

Yes I can understand. I have friends in various financial situations - but I have come across this. I think it is less about money and more about boredom. It did get to a point when I confronted a friend who was - as your friend is now - obsessed with making everything into a project. She was hugely intelligent and a qualified solicitor. Perhaps I was a little sharp but I snapped: 'For goodness sake woman - you don't need to be supervising builders, you clearly need to work. You loved work. Your self-esteem is actually suffering.' She went very quiet, possibly a little moody - but then actually did go out and work as a solicitor again.

You need to 'out' your irritation. She is losing her perspective. I know problems are all relative.

(Rushes off to find a bath for less than £5k)

TobyLerone · 13/05/2011 13:53

Oh, everyone goes on and on about their own lives. MN wouldn't exist if they didn't!

YABU -- my best friend talks to me a lot about her husband and baby. I don't have a husband or a baby, but that doesn't mean that I won't listen to her talk about hers.

Ooopsadaisy · 13/05/2011 13:54

Does she ask about your life or just whinge about hers?

I agree that it's all relative to an individual perspective but to not want to know about how you are is really quite rude.

bigbuttons · 13/05/2011 13:54

I could have written your post. I too am not badly off by any standards, although certainly a lot less well off than I was and everything we buy has to be considered carefully, whereas once upon a time we could be more reckless.
No foreign hols, most clothes second hand etc and that's fine.
I have a friend who is like yours and her 30k + kitchen issues do seem bloody trivial.
However, I just nod. I don't think my friend is showing off at all. She would be horrified to think she might be perceived as such. But I do think she is totally unaware that there are people with less money. You know it's an issue, a bloody stupid and trivial one to most admittedly.

VoteAV · 13/05/2011 13:54

YANBU I have a similar friend. Yesterday she rang me AT WORK to tell me she was having a hideous day. I went into the corridor at work to talk to her and asked if she was OK .. what on earth was wrong. I thought she had been in an accident she sounded so upset. It turned out she couldn't decide which Laura Ashely fabric to chose for her new curtains and wanted my opinion. Apparently it is so stressful doing up her new house. Hmm

Morloth · 13/05/2011 13:55

Depends on what sort of relationship you have.

If like my friends a well placed 'Suck it up princess' is appropriate then go for it.

If not, then just limit your time with her.

empirestateofmind · 13/05/2011 13:55

Smile and say "I would love to be thinking about new tiles" or tell her how lucky she is to have such a lovely house.

Though I am guessing you've already tried this.

Has she always been a glass half empty person? I find them very draining and do limit time I spend with them else I end up depressed.

kartell · 13/05/2011 13:56

She's a little tactless perhaps. But no matter who you are or how much you have, having builders is hard work and can be stressful - and so is decorating your house. By all means poke fun in a friendly way and point out what you have said. But I can't help but think that a real friend would never have posted this question.

cat64 · 13/05/2011 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Punkatheart · 13/05/2011 13:59

My MIL works in an interior design shop in a very wealthy village. The Laura Ashley crisis would have sent some of her clients for the valium. Although Colefax and Fowler is more their thing. But they stress about a tiny thread loose on a cushion. They have PALPITATIONS. They are extremely spoilt women and if I ever became like that - with a head full of trivia, I would like to be taken outside and beaten to death with a Laura Ashley sample book...

thelittlefriend · 13/05/2011 13:59

A friend of mine made me laugh the other day. She's definitely not rich but they do well for themselves financially and have a nice home etc. Sometimes on a night out they use a driver from her husbands company and she was complaining that he needed a new car as the suspension on it had made her feel sick. I took the mickey out of her and did impressions of her saying "ones driver really must upgrade his car as it made one feel rather queasy". She soon laughed at herself when she realised what an upper class problem she'd been moaning about.

veronicadoll · 13/05/2011 14:09

like you said, everything is relative and this is whats happening in her world - however if you feel that she would benefit from a reality check and she would take it gracefully then tell her as a friend

ticklebug74 · 13/05/2011 14:11

A tad unreasonable I think. I have a friend who moans constantly about the abundant family and friends she has at her beck and call - she has never had to hire a babysitter nor does she need to drag the toddler around when taking the older one to various activities etc. I on the other hand listen attentively as friends do whilst green with envy as we have no family or friends around and I do it all on my own. So whilst I think her problems are a molehill, she thinks they are a mountain.

But equally I don't hold back on moaning about my house (whilst not a mansion it is bigger than my friends houses) and all the building/renovation work going on. I don't think I should shy away just because we can afford things our friends cant.

Friends listen - end of. If you don't like it then you obviously don't consider her a good enough friend and just stay away.

coccyx · 13/05/2011 14:12

She is a friend, YABU

HeadfirstForHalos · 13/05/2011 14:14

Tell her to try B&Q, I got a bath from there for £65 last month, when I bought it with a sink/loo pack Grin

They had some REALLY luxurious ones for $50 ish more!

BTW, YANBU!

HeadfirstForHalos · 13/05/2011 14:15

I actually think I would burst out laughing if a friend was complaining about being unable to find a decent bath for under 5k Grin

eandz · 13/05/2011 14:16

maybe i'm tasteless, but laura ashley is gross.

Earlybird · 13/05/2011 14:17

Well, you could tease her and say you have a hard time relating/being sympathetic because her situation is so very different to your own.

But, I do think you sound a bit envious and that feeling is causing you to think she is 'flaunting her wealth' when really, all she is doing, is doing up a house at the level she can afford (which is extremely high).

minipie · 13/05/2011 14:18

YANBU to find it tedious and slightly spoiled/tactless

YABU to think no-one should complain if they are better off in some way than other people. Does that mean I'm not allowed to complain about my sore throat because some people have far worse illnesses?

As others have said, tease her about it. You can say "Oh it must be terrible to have so many bathrooms you just can't find tiles for them all, lucky I only have the one". She should get the message...

HerRoyalNotness · 13/05/2011 14:18

It depends, does she find the problems of less rich people tedious.? Or is she generally sympathetic and a great listener?

DH's canny solution to appearing to listen when he is not, is to say, "yes, yes, no". Repeat as necessary.

rubyrubyruby · 13/05/2011 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.