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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to find my friend's rich people problems tedious?

66 replies

stillstanding · 13/05/2011 13:46

A friend of mine is completely loaded. They have bought a mansion (really a mansion ... by anyone's standards) recently and are now renovating it. I see her regularly and she is constantly complaining about the house, the architect, the interior designer, the kitchen people, all the decisions that have to be made, how there is no time to choose the bathroom tiles (this despite the fact that she doesn't work and her two children are in nursery three days a week) blah blah. And I am finding it really, really wearing ....

I know that everyone's problems are relative. And I also know that, even though my own life is not a complete doddle, I don't have any Real Problems compared to some. But it is very hard to hear someone complaining about something that is beyond your own wildest dreams. These are problems I would love to have. (Possibly something that someone else could say about me too, to be fair.)

Anyway, my question is this: Is it my duty as a dutiful friend to accept the fact that this is what is going on in her life at the moment and everyone's problems are different and then to listen attentively to her issues and nod (pretend-)knowingly at how hard it is to find bathroom tiles for seven bathrooms, how you just can't find a decent bath for under £5k, commiserate over the smallness of the orangery (which costs just more than half the value of my own house) etc? Or is it ok to say (to myself anyway) that this is indeed very tedious, my friend should know better than to be such a spoilt brat and then try to move the conversation swiftly away from the house every time it comes up until she gets the message?

I don't want to be a miserable (and - undeniable this - jealous) git but I can't work out if I am being just that and that, to be a good friend to her, I have to let her vent at whatever she chooses to vent about or if it is reasonable to think this whingeing is not terribly reasonable either and that if she was a good friend she wouldn't be flaunting her wealth albeit unconsciously ....

OP posts:

kartell · 13/05/2011 20:32

Not so Xenia. Some career women are dull, if they talk about the office all the time. Some SAHMs are dull. Some career women are fascinating and so are some SAHMs... and most of us fall somewhere in between. A woman is not interesting, just because she works - in fact, if you are at home, and have school-age children, you may actually have more time to devote to interesting cultural pursuits and to read widely. Ho-hum.

BlueFergie · 13/05/2011 20:43

Teasing is the way to go here. Next time she starts ask her if her diamond shoes are too tight as well?

Original poster

stillstanding · 13/05/2011 20:59

Joolyjoolyjoo, you are quite right - in the beginning I was enjoying living vicariously through her and helping her look at swatches etc but it's the moaning that has got out seriously out of hand, not to mention the loss of perspective ...

In the last couple of months I guess I was a little embarrassed to push back when e.g she was bemoaning the price of baths and was just saying "I know, I know" and nodding along which is clearly ludicrous and embarrassing as I am so clearly unfamilar with this level of spending. I was worried that I owed it to her as a good friend to just shut up and listen but on reflection I think that I would be a better friend to her if I was more outspoken and brought some perspective back into her chat - hopefully a constructive reality check. Would make me feel more true to myself anyway.

I wonder too now whether the moaning is (or at least may have started) because she was a bit embarrassed about the whole thing too. None of the rest of our crowd is particularly wealthy and it must be isolating in its own way if she is the only one with these particular "problems". Maybe her way of bridging the divide is to try and make it look like it is all such a hassle, nightmare etc.

OP posts:

Jajas · 13/05/2011 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Al0uiseG · 13/05/2011 22:15

Send her round to moan at me, I love hearing about house renovations and would get a vicarious thrill discussing it.

She also may have a touch of the guilts about her fortunate situation and be trying to downplay it by moaning about her lot, not uncommon I'm afraid.

DaisySteiner · 13/05/2011 22:23

Are you being ironic Xenia?! I could swear you're being ironic.

bigbuttons · 13/05/2011 22:27

Anyone who is focused on themselves is bloody tedious and very boring, whatever they 'do'. It matters not one jot whether they are a super career woman or a housewife. If their eyes are closed to the wider world then they're a PITA and best avoided.

iscream · 14/05/2011 02:47

It can be boring to hear someone go on and on about something you are not interested in. However, many people do go on and on when they renovate their homes. Even choosing paint colour can be stressful. Just change the subject.

GotArt · 14/05/2011 02:51

OP... your the third paragraph, do both. And add some teasing like some posters have said.

Slightlyreluctantexpat · 14/05/2011 03:54

It's just bad form to talk about the price of things too much, I think. Insensitive and showy.

(I have a friend who does this a lot, out of insecurity I think. I keep changing the subject.)

MarshaBrady · 14/05/2011 06:37

I would enjoy it, ask to see the mood boards sounds quite fun.

Don't tease or tell her to stop.

whatsallthehullaballoo · 14/05/2011 07:31

YANBU - I sometimes think people do it for effect and are trying to say " Look how hard it is have this much money and be in charge of sooo much"...

My friend keeps ringing me up to discuss whether she should be buying a new BMW 5 series or 3 series outright, if I have heard of any cleaners to replace her other one and should she sell her second house because the managed let is all too much..."

Dull, because they are not really 'problems' at all. Just too much choice that comes with having money. I am sure many of us would love more choice and not go with anything that is the cheapest.

TheBride · 14/05/2011 08:24

Use one of the following 2 retorts

Why don't you take some of your money and buy some perspective?

Ah, bless, are your diamond shoes too tight?

Pedallleur · 14/05/2011 14:16

She is your friend. She is rich and you're not. Just listen to her and say nothing. She prob. doesn't even want your opinions.

taylor74 · 14/05/2011 14:36

At the end of the day we only have one persons version of this story. Yes she may live in a mansion,but deep down is her life really perfect.
I have wealthy friends,do I envy them? No! I am not rich but lucky I have a great husband,great healthy beautiful daughter and supportive family and friends. Some are rich in other ways,remember that x

TalkinPeace2 · 14/05/2011 14:39

"I'm lucky, I've never had a wall that needed more that 2 square metres of tiles"
"Curtain choices are simpler with the range at Oxfam"
Take the mick. Gently. And remind her not to upset poorer friends or they may not be willing to come and admire her finished product.

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