... to find my friend's rich people problems tedious?

[stillstanding]

A friend of mine is completely loaded. They have bought a mansion (really a mansion ... by anyone's standards) recently and are now renovating it. I see her regularly and she is constantly complaining about the house, the architect, the interior designer, the kitchen people, all the decisions that have to be made, how there is no time to choose the bathroom tiles (this despite the fact that she doesn't work and her two children are in nursery three days a week) blah blah. And I am finding it really, really wearing ....

I know that everyone's problems are relative. And I also know that, even though my own life is not a complete doddle, I don't have any Real Problems compared to some. But it is very hard to hear someone complaining about something that is beyond your own wildest dreams. These are problems I would love to have. (Possibly something that someone else could say about me too, to be fair.)

Anyway, my question is this: Is it my duty as a dutiful friend to accept the fact that this is what is going on in her life at the moment and everyone's problems are different and then to listen attentively to her issues and nod (pretend-)knowingly at how hard it is to find bathroom tiles for seven bathrooms, how you just can't find a decent bath for under £5k, commiserate over the smallness of the orangery (which costs just more than half the value of my own house) etc? Or is it ok to say (to myself anyway) that this is indeed very tedious, my friend should know better than to be such a spoilt brat and then try to move the conversation swiftly away from the house every time it comes up until she gets the message?

I don't want to be a miserable (and - undeniable this - jealous) git but I can't work out if I am being just that and that, to be a good friend to her, I have to let her vent at whatever she chooses to vent about or if it is reasonable to think this whingeing is not terribly reasonable either and that if she was a good friend she wouldn't be flaunting her wealth albeit unconsciously ....

It sounds more that she's just a tedious person, or is very bored and has little else to worry about. There are lots of people like this unfortunately, like this BORING woman I served when I worked in a shop who spent half an hour comparing identical cushion covers because she swore one was slightly greener than the other.

YABU. If she listens to you and what's going on in your life, is sympatethic to your problems and congratulates you on your achievements.

YANBU if she is self-absorbed and self-centered.

I have tried the teasing thing but it is quite tricky as you don't want come across sour grapes and she does seem particularly oblivious. Around the time they bought the house a group of our girlfriends went out for dinner and she was saying how they ended up going way over the original £2m budget because "you can't find a decent house" for under that. And we all laughed and said we were proof to the contrary given all our houses together wouldn't have added up to that and she laughed. But that kind of statement is actually a bit hurtful in addition to being ridiculous and hard to forget. I'm making her sound like a total bitch but she isn't really ...

I think punkatheart has got a very real point about her job. She gave hers up just after she got married and think is struggling with that. I think she finds her children quite hard work and being a SAHM is not what she would have chosen for herself. I think I need to steer her away from the tedious chats about the house (which ARE boring) and try to get to the bottom of the things that are really bothering her. I suspect that, while the renovation is tough, the house chat is easier for her than to focus on the "real stuff" like her marriage, children, job.

Oopsadaisy, she is a good friend and does ask about me. She is also really generous with her time and money. Having said that, we somehow do spend by far the majority of the time talking about her house. But I think that this says more about me than her as I tend to keep things to myself and not go on about things so I could say the same about a lot of other friends too.

Well, to be honest restoring a house/flat is always a bit of a pita, regardless of the budget you have.

Be glad that these are the biggest problems in your friend's life and just lend your hear, unless of course your friend is being deliberately tactless or spends the whole time whinging.

Sorry, x post.

OP yes, I agree with your latest post

when it is repetitive , it is always boring : weight loss issues, boyfriend troubles, renovating a house, illness. You listen a few times aened commiserate but after a while you don't know what to say anymore and it is tiring to listen to

Try not to slip into it. I'd try to fob her off at the beginning when you meet up and get on to another topic. Or every single time it comes up, say it is gong to be fabulous when you're done, it is lovely already but I don't know anything about all this renovating. Then stand up and move around and talk about soemthing totally different. Eventually she'll get the message.

Having building work done is really stressful regardless of size of house/cost of stuff. We recently had to have the bathroom done and honestly, I did want to strangle the guys for the typical reasons of overrunning etc. Is she really having 7 bathrooms done . It must actually be horrible to have that much done - I was seriously pissed off with one!

As her friend, you could advise her to delegate all the project management etc to someone she employs whilst she and her family can go and rent another house/live in a hotel, seeing as money is no problem. I'm not sure if she is flaunting her wealth as you already know she is loaded.

I am actually very interested in where her money came from though as I would like some.

Greenlime, they aren't living in the house - they have rented a house and are living in that - and all the project management stuff has already been delegated to the architect, interior designers (two), light designers, landscape designer etc etc. But she does have to choose from the "moodboards" they prepare . (Actually,

Her money comes from her husband who is a trader.

Oh I feel your pain, and don't think you are BU in the slightest. I have a friend who is much better off than me and says things like 'Of course DH pays me a salary of £50k for what I do [be a SAHM mum]' And BIL just told me about someone with four children and a tiny house 'and I mean tiny,' he said. 'It's even smaller than yours.'

I think it is unbearably spoilt to talk about money and possessions in this way. By the same token, I do not discuss the joys of motherhood with my friend who is infertile (though I talk about the kids when she asks) and I don't talk about how well work is going with my friend who has just been made redundant. It's just basic sensitivity - which your friend clearly lacks.

I think, in your situation, I would say 'I can't imagine having a house like yours or £5000 to spend on a bath, so I find it hard to comment.' And I would keep making that sort of comment until she stops.

'I can't imagine having a house like yours or £5000 to spend on a bath, so I find it hard to comment.' And I would keep making that sort of comment until she stops.

Let's think about this another way though. Imagine you go on about your lack of cash to your friend and she finds it a difficult subject to understand or sympathise with. Do you have the kind of conversation friends should be able to have about it? What if in response to your woes in dealing with your benefits applications forms your friend repeatedly said 'I can't imagine having to deal with that kind of thing so I'm not going to comment' until you felt utterly uncomfortable about it and felt you could no longer talk to your friend about something which is clearly bothering you?

For money you can insert any subject you want here - for example, my husband's mother has just died, but my sister's husband has an awkward family situation which means he has not had much contact with his mother since he was a child. We had to postpone a long-looked-forward to holiday to the Caribbean. He initially made a little joke about the benefits of not knowing your mother but then was extremely sympathetic and did what he could to help us. And he can't afford a holiday to the Caribbean, but knows how disappointed we were, so lent a sympathetic ear then rather than bitch about how he'd love to be able to afford it.

You could be talking about your children to someone who has none, moaning about your OH to a single friend, going on about your nice job to someone who hates their's or even doesn't have one - in every aspect of life there are haves and have-nots.

Of course if she is just talking about money to make you feel inadequate, then she is no friend at all. But if she is just talking about her day, get over it.

PS I have a friend who is the local lady of the manor, and about the time we were doing up our kitchen she was doing her's up. One of her dining table chairs cost the same as our whole kitchen. I didn't get miserable about the whole thing - I had a good laugh about it.

years ago i was complaining to a friend about my inability to find a decent cleaning lady - he told me "that's what's called a 'high quality problem'" which rather put it into perspective... and i often remind myself of that phrase if i'm getting upset about something along these lines... so perhaps you could try out that phrase on her, said with a smile, of course!

Well YANBU but of course she's well within her rights to find your 'poor people problems' equally as tedious

She does sound bored and not as if she is seeing much of the world recently to get things into perspective. Its difficult, but it might be worth trying to give her a jolt that she sounds spoilt and is being a tad boring. True, she probably doesn't have much else to talk about, but thats her fault. Can't you steer her into the direction of something additional to occupy her - she isn't doing that well at doing up her house anyway, since anyone can spend loads of money. The challenge is to do it on a reasonable budget and buy wisely, no matter how much money you have.

I know what you meant though, I have a friend who lives in a rural part of South Africa, lady of leisure, who constantly moans about how lazy the African labourers and workmen are who are doing up her property. Of course they are working far harder than she has ever done in her life. OTOH I know a few people from old money who are absolutely loaded, and they are always out doing stuff even though they don't have to work. Granted, it might only be visiting Cheltenham for the festival, watching their racehorses, or organising a ball, but they are always busy on loads of different things.

Ok, after reading your post of 14:46:52 YANBU. It must be annoying for you.

Tell her you can get a bath for under £5k in B&Q!

Well looking at some of the replies to your question OP, makes me very glad MNers aren't my RL friends.

Do what minipie suggests.

She sounds as though she's a nice woman who genuinely enjoys your friendship. There is a massive difference between that and people who constantly name drop and boast about status symbols to simply try and appear superior. I'm sure you know the type I mean.

May husband, the investment banker, left his keys in the 911 on the draive of our 6 million pound home and ai almost smudged may vintage saize 6 Chanel by coco herself twine traying to get in. Ai am clearly the most attractive/talented/intelligent/insert as applicable.

Very Marlene! ;)

I had a friend who, after her dad died, treated me to a daily blow by blow account of the winding up of the estate, complete with the priceless - "did I realise how much inheritance tax you had to pay on an estate valued at a million pounds" -

I would be tempted to put her the way of some people I know who would ask how (and where) on earth she managed to find a "decent house" for £2m...

I'd agree that a little gentle teasing about her "first world problems" is in order, but OTOH builders are a nightmare whatever your budget, so it's not surprising that she's venting to a close friend. It will pass.

You could suggest she limits herself to 1k for the bath and donates 3k to people who don't have enough to eat. That way she'd still be in pocket... We are on a budget wildly different to hers, but dh pulls me up sharp when I get obsessed tunnel vision about what I'd like over what we need.

YABU not to challenge her to see how blinkered she is with this project.

I think it depends how secure you are in your own life. I have a lovely friend who lives in a castle, and I used to love hearing her tales of doing it up! I felt like I was living it vicariously, and tried to imagine her amazing bespoke kitchen and antique/ comissioned furniture. I was never actually jealous, as I know I will never ever have that kind of house or money, but quite fun to hear about it.

I also liked the fact that a lot of her chat/ moans showed that we all have problems/ hassles, whether we are rich or poor. Her children wound her up the same as mine did, her husband annoyed her (he had the cheek to think buying her an Aston martin would make up for an argument!!!) same as mine did (although I never got an Aston!) It used to make me giggle. She is a lovely person, that's just her life. Mine is different, but I was intrigued by hers while being happy with mine!

On the other hand, she didn't moan all the time- far from it! It could be that your problem with your friend is the constant moaning, and that IS draining, even if it is from someone who has plenty to moan about! The only friend I knew like this was struggling financially and did have some genuine reasons for moaning, but she never took any advice on board- seemed to just prefer to moan on and on. That, I found stifling.

I think it all depends what kind of friendship it is and if is rewarding in other ways. I think we all have friends who drive us a bit potty. Take the piss a little, she should be able to take it.

I'm a bit shocked that there are baths out there for more than £5 k.............in fact so shocked I can't even answer properly. Me I'd tell her to shut her whinging up and that she is boring you lol.

Housewives are boring full stop. Hang out with real career women and you get much the best chat. These truths are known by all.