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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In feeling a bit left out...

59 replies

flyingspaghettimonster · 12/05/2011 13:30

I am probably being PFBish, but this year my little girl and all her friends had to take some kind of test, a Cognitive Ability test, as far as I could tell from the practice one she brought home, it is like a Mensa puzzle test. The teacher had told me Rose had scored 'off the charts', but the results were months and months after the test. Up until now the other Moms at the school have been happy to chat away, parents whose kids took it in previous years etc and since a high proportion of the catchment area are affluent middle class intellectual parents, a high proportion of the kids are earmarked as gifted. The test just helps the school identify who to include in the gifted classes.

We got the results and my little girl did the best in the school, and is 99th percentile nationwide. I was very proud of her and posted a 'proud mommy moment' status on FB so my family and friends in the UK would know the good news - can't phone the UK and I was happy. I noticed none of my local friends from the school 'liked' my status, even though they like all the other stuff especially negative things about the kids getting upto naughtiness.

Then, at the school, they all seem to be blanking me. Or at least, they change the topic around me and certainly none of them are talking about the test or the gifted program like they did before the results came back. Yet I know their kids will likely all be in it too - and can't see why I should be excluded as though I did something wrong - I haven't mentioned Rose's score to any of them personally, so only the ones on facebook would even have known.

Am I being unreasonable to find it hurtful that not one of them said 'congrats' or something? It isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but before I was one of the crowd, and now it all seems a bit uncomfortable... also, I always take time to 'like' any of their kids achievements as it is natural for a parent to be proud of their kids achievements, right? Jimmy made the football team? Awesome news! Jasmine won a spelling bee? We all know she gets her smarts from her mom!

So why won't they reciprocate?

OP posts:
Rosa · 12/05/2011 13:37

Cos they are jealous....... Well done to your dd.

BingRugmole · 12/05/2011 13:38

I think you are being unreasonable.

Competitive parents. 'My kid scored this', 'ooo, so, my kid scored that' - who cares? You know your daughter is smart, why does it matter what anyone else thinks, or that they're not patting YOU on the back every five seconds.

Concentrate your efforts on something more important.

And while we're on the subject (not saying you do this OP as I'm not your facebook friend), the most dull people on my friend's list are the ones that are constantly posting statuses about their kids. Now and again, fine. Every status - mind-numbingly dull and makes you look mad.

Punkatheart · 12/05/2011 13:39

Oh I am sorry. How churlish not to be over the moon for you. Well if it helps, I am enormously impressed and you should be running around the room like a hamster.

So here is to pressing 'like' - there, I like it!!

bluepaws · 12/05/2011 13:40

Am I being unreasonable to find it hurtful that not one of them said 'congrats'

maybe they didnt think a kids test was a big deal either and forgot it as soon as they read it, if indeed they did read it

if your kid is happy and healthy, they are doing ok, anything else is a bonus. To be perfectly frank I couldnt give a rats arse if Johnny down the road scored 2% or 98% - just wouldnt cross my mind to care

LineRunner · 12/05/2011 13:41

Sorry this made me puke.

BarbaraBar · 12/05/2011 13:43

Are you sure the other parents/children haven't congratulated your daughter? Her friends have probably said well done or some such to her in school in a casual way.

She's due the congratulations, not you. Smile

gramercy · 12/05/2011 13:43

Lesson to be learned here: the only people to revel in your child's achievements are you and grandparents. No-one else wants to hear them. It's tough, but people feel that by trumpeting your dc's academic achievements you are by the same token saying their dc is not so bright.

AppleyEverAfter · 12/05/2011 13:44

I wouldn't have said congrats cos I'd be peeved it wasn't my child. What are they supposed to say, well done, your kid is much smarter than mine? I don't think so. Sorry!

mrsravelstein · 12/05/2011 13:45

i think it would be odd to congratulate someone on having had a test that proves they are inherently highly intelligent... it's not an actual 'achievement' per se, is it? i don't mean that unkindly, just that it's not quite the same IMO as working to and then passing your grade 5 violin, for instance?

and the other parents are probably not mentioning the test because it's of little or no importance to them or their kids, whether they did well or not.

Nixea · 12/05/2011 13:46

Appley I really did have to grin at your post (not in a bad way!). Just wanted to give you a big thumbs up for being so refreshingly honest!

Op - I know it must be difficult but I can see the immense pride which you take in your DD and I bet she knows it to. Surely that's enough for her? Oh, and have a begrudging congrats for me Wink

bluepaws · 12/05/2011 13:47

who cares about other kids test scores ffs!

I used to smirk at the competitiveness at University - that was bloody childish

this is worse

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/05/2011 13:48

Yeah, they are prob a bit jealous...and also they prob dont care that much!!

DS has a friend who goes to gymnastics and really is very good..he goes about 4 times a week for 3 hours each time. His mum used to spout on to me about it, it was interesting for.....ooh, about a week, and then it got very boring. I dont really care if he can handstand for 10 seconds longer than he could last month.........i think she got the hint when my eyes glazed over and I fel asleep Wink

So, yes, your DD is brill and I totally dont blame you for being proudand in all honestly I would have clicked on "like" just to be nice.........

People are strange when it comes to their kids and common sense sometimes flies out the window.

You know how clever your DD is, as long as you and yours are happy for her then dont care less what others think.

bullet234 · 12/05/2011 13:49

I'd have said "well done" to my friends if their ds had done so well in a test. It costs nothing to acknowledge and I wouldn't think they were saying my children weren't as bright. My youngest one has only a few words and has severe learning difficulties at the age of 5.5. My older one has moderate learning difficulties and social interaction difficulties that impact upon his learning. Doesn't mean I have to resent or feel put out or not care if our friend's son does well at school.

bubblecoral · 12/05/2011 13:49

What is it that makes you feel like you need their approval?

Tbh, if one of my friends was boasting on facebook about how highly their child scored in a test, I would either find it slightly irritating, or not give it a secong thought. Depending on the mood I'm in. It is cringeworthy to post on fb about nothing but your childrens achievements. It comes across as boasting, and as if you have nothing in your life apart from your children.

Happygomummy · 12/05/2011 13:49

i think the message your FB comment suggested was

"My kids better than ALL of the other kids"

i would just have thought SMUG SMUG SMUG

YABU

SenoritaViva · 12/05/2011 13:54

If you get over it then I am sure they will. Why worry about facebook liking anyway? I also agree that the most boring posts are ones about children's achievements and I do know how you feel, I lived abroad for 7 years. The stuff that isn't exciting to anyone except close family would get an email. I'm sorry you feel left out but try to ignore it and definitely don't expect a congratulations.

BeerTricksPotter · 12/05/2011 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 12/05/2011 13:58

They probably think you are a bit smug and OTT.

(I agree)

iEmbarassedMyself · 12/05/2011 13:59

Why would they say 'congrats' to you? You didn't take a test.
I'd look for a different reason for them to be blanking you, I doubt anyone's actually that childish to ignore someone because their child did well on a test.

colditz · 12/05/2011 14:00

It's difficult.

ds2 is on the schools G & T register but I just don't talk about it.

Journey · 12/05/2011 14:02

I think it is a bit naff to put achievements like that on facebook. It comes across as a bit smug - agree with Happygomummy.

I don't think people will be blanking you because of the high test score. If they are though then maybe your should question how genuine your friendships are. Alternatively, are you quite a boastful person and they know this so are keeping their mouths shut so as not to give you an opening to talk about your DD's test score.

thelittlefriend · 12/05/2011 14:02

YANBU to find is off that they are blanking you in the playground

YABU to expect them to congratulate you for having an intelligent daughter

CornflowerB · 12/05/2011 14:04

Has anyone said 'Facebook is the work of the devil' yet?
It really is. I just don't bother with it anymore and choose other ways to spread good news, especially about my children. With Facebook you are giving the same level of information to everyone, whereas in real life you just don't, or you make announcements differently to different people and you can be self-deprecating and modest Wink whereas on Facebook in black and white it justs looks like showing off, when in fact you are really just delighted and so you should be. It is a good point though about the test being a measure of her aptitude and not something that she has worked to achieve...

DandyLioness · 12/05/2011 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBride · 12/05/2011 14:09

Morrissey said "We hate it when our friends become successful, and when they're from the North, that makes it even worse"

Wise words, and for "friend's kids" you can probably raise that to the power of 10.

Self-deprecation and witty observations on the day's events will win you "likes" on FB. Very little else does.

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