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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In feeling a bit left out...

59 replies

flyingspaghettimonster · 12/05/2011 13:30

I am probably being PFBish, but this year my little girl and all her friends had to take some kind of test, a Cognitive Ability test, as far as I could tell from the practice one she brought home, it is like a Mensa puzzle test. The teacher had told me Rose had scored 'off the charts', but the results were months and months after the test. Up until now the other Moms at the school have been happy to chat away, parents whose kids took it in previous years etc and since a high proportion of the catchment area are affluent middle class intellectual parents, a high proportion of the kids are earmarked as gifted. The test just helps the school identify who to include in the gifted classes.

We got the results and my little girl did the best in the school, and is 99th percentile nationwide. I was very proud of her and posted a 'proud mommy moment' status on FB so my family and friends in the UK would know the good news - can't phone the UK and I was happy. I noticed none of my local friends from the school 'liked' my status, even though they like all the other stuff especially negative things about the kids getting upto naughtiness.

Then, at the school, they all seem to be blanking me. Or at least, they change the topic around me and certainly none of them are talking about the test or the gifted program like they did before the results came back. Yet I know their kids will likely all be in it too - and can't see why I should be excluded as though I did something wrong - I haven't mentioned Rose's score to any of them personally, so only the ones on facebook would even have known.

Am I being unreasonable to find it hurtful that not one of them said 'congrats' or something? It isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but before I was one of the crowd, and now it all seems a bit uncomfortable... also, I always take time to 'like' any of their kids achievements as it is natural for a parent to be proud of their kids achievements, right? Jimmy made the football team? Awesome news! Jasmine won a spelling bee? We all know she gets her smarts from her mom!

So why won't they reciprocate?

OP posts:
thinkingaboutschools · 12/05/2011 14:09

I think geniune friends would have been pleased for you. So YANBU

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/05/2011 14:09

Congrats, OP. It's nice news and you must be so proud. :)

Unfortunately, some mothers (and it nearly always is the female of the species) find it very difficult to show pleasure or even polite kindness at other people's outstanding circumstances or achievements. It says a lot about them. What happens on FB really isn't important but as you say, it's a link home for you.

Don't take the 'like' situation to heart, it's jealousy/envy and not very nice. People who seem to delight in 'schadenfreude' just have a greater platform to demonstrate their spite. It's not going to impact your life any.

mangle · 12/05/2011 14:13

Good post Cornflower!

FoxyRevenger · 12/05/2011 14:19

There's got to be a thread on here somewhere titled "AIBU to think this mum was lovely and friendly but has gone a bit funny since her daughter came top in some IQ test"

Just kidding. It must have come over as showing off though, don't you think?

mangle · 12/05/2011 14:21

I think the other parents are being mean and jealous. You obviously annoyed them with your post on Facebook. I'm not the jealous type Even though my son is not top of the class. I am happy to congratulate others but certain posts on Facebook such as, just returned from bills parents evening, he is doing so well, has the reading age of 101..... Just make me cringe!

Just learn that they are jealous, save news like that for family and selected close friends and I'm sure school gate chatter will restore to normal.

DandyLioness · 12/05/2011 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gramercy · 12/05/2011 14:23

So agree that one size does not fit all when imparting good news.

I would e-mail dh and tell him that the dcs had come top in a test; I certainly wouldn't nail a notice to a lamp post in the town centre. (Is lamp post two words? Looks mighty odd...)

sue52 · 12/05/2011 14:34

They are being unreasonable but you are as with your bragging. I would have told my family the score and would only have told the other parents if asked.

TheCrackFox · 12/05/2011 14:34

Nobody likes a show off.

idratherbeboarding · 12/05/2011 14:41

Boasting on FB - one of my pet hates. This need for validation from others smacks of insecurity.

My sister can tell me how wonderful her boys are because they are my nephews and I love them and am very interested when they do something exceptional, but she wouldn't do brag to her friends as no one likes a show-off. It's call diplomacy.

Punkatheart · 12/05/2011 14:41

How funny. I must come from a different planet. I have a lot of friends who post their successes on Facebook - we are all writers together. Some have won prizes in short story competitions or got an agent/a publisher. Sometimes these may be story comps that I have entered. I am genuinely pleased for friends' successes and chuffed when they post up things about their children - although on my page it doesn't happen all that often. I never ever think 'I wish it was my child' - my DD is a separate entity to theirs. Life is by nature competitive and there will ALWAYS be someone cleverer/richer/prettier than you and also better at something. It doesn't make me think of showing off but pride. Yes, I know it is supposed to come before a fall but I don't believe that old cliche.

Genuine friends IMHO would be happy for you to do well....

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 12/05/2011 14:45

You live in an affluent middle class area and can't phone the UK?????

wannaBe · 12/05/2011 14:46

I think it says an awful lot about you that you base opinions on the number of likes on facebook!

tbh there's nothing worse than smug competitive parents going on and on and on about their precious offspring. Nobody cares.

minipie · 12/05/2011 14:48

amothersplace possibly due to time differences?

No comment on this AIBU really other than to reinforce my decision NEVER to join Facebook.

MrsCampbellBlack · 12/05/2011 14:49

I think you mis-judged your audience - of course friends love to hear about other children being naughty - makes them feel better about their own children Wink

I tend to only tell my family about my dc's achievements as would hate anyone to think I was boasting but then I am self-deprecating to a fault me Smile

Pictish · 12/05/2011 14:51

I agree with the 'nobody cares' school of thought.
You seem to be expecting congratulations and praise for having an intelligent child. Give it to yourself by all means....but no-one apart from your parents gives a toss. Your very closest friends will pretend to, for your sake.
Everyone else? Nah.

pleasekeepcalmandcarryon · 12/05/2011 14:58

Facebook seems to attract two types of prolific posters. Those who moan constantly and those who boast/try to get attention. I have plenty of people 'hidden' for these reasons.

I only tend to put info on facebook if it is useful to reach a wide audience quickly i.e BBQ invite or if something funny has happened that I know will amuse a fair few friends. I rarely post though, it irritates the hell out of me.

Used to be FB friends with a guy who updated at least 10 times a day and every other post was ' My son is soooooooooo special to me, the brightest star that lived' or ' Love that boy soooooooooooo much, he is an amazing child'. Poor bloody child was only pre-school, wait until he gets attendance awards and stickers. Doesn't bear thinking about.

razzlebathbone · 12/05/2011 15:04

This is such a middle-class and affluent worry.

Hullygully · 12/05/2011 15:12

pore ol you.

I think a lot of people on this thread are being a bit meany to you as well. Sadly tho it's something we all have to learn, people don't want to know our kids are doing well.

Weird, but true.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 12/05/2011 15:16

'Tis not the British way to boast about academic achievement. Maybe that's a shame but it is the truth.

MovingAndScared · 12/05/2011 15:17

I have to say I would't "like" posts when people say kids are doing well - unless it was a relative - and another mother always in my DS classs always posts how well her son is doing at report time - and it makes me quite anxoius - I think is he doing better than my DS - even though my DS is doing just fine etc etc
if its someone got a new job say I would but that their achievment that they have worked for - your child being very clever is great but its just one of those things really isn't it - unless you think it makes you a really great parent or something -sorry that sounds a bit mean

AmazingBouncingFerret · 12/05/2011 15:20

The test results told you that she did better than everyone else in the school?
Do test results really do that?

"well done Mrs Smuggington your DD scored 99.9% in the test, loads better than all the other little dumbasses"

Obviously not worded that way of course but I didnt think results would say something of that nature. You wouldnt find SATS or GCSE results informing you of how you scored in comparison to your classmates.

Hullygully · 12/05/2011 15:27

Aren't you in the usa, op? They have gifted streams in schools. Like a mini school in a school.

I have sympathy with you because when my dc did v well a 100 years ago, I was so proud that I told my friends, thinking they would be happy for me and the dc, and found that some were, but others were, indeed, jealous and resentful. I was astonished at the time, but it does sort out the genuine friends from the others.

doley · 12/05/2011 15:50

I am in the US tooamazing they really do say things like that !

The report cards(on the other hand ) have nothing on them apart from grades Confused unless you have a meeting with the Teacher,you find out very little .

OP I am very active on an American message board ,I think if you had 'bragged' there it would have got a very positive response .

I would imagine nobody 'liked' it on FB, because they might have felt disloyal to those Moms whose children didn't score highly, or were Envy

Are all the Moms you hang out with 'blessed' with bright children ?

DandyLioness · 12/05/2011 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.