In feeling a bit left out...

[flyingspaghettimonster]

I am probably being PFBish, but this year my little girl and all her friends had to take some kind of test, a Cognitive Ability test, as far as I could tell from the practice one she brought home, it is like a Mensa puzzle test. The teacher had told me Rose had scored 'off the charts', but the results were months and months after the test. Up until now the other Moms at the school have been happy to chat away, parents whose kids took it in previous years etc and since a high proportion of the catchment area are affluent middle class intellectual parents, a high proportion of the kids are earmarked as gifted. The test just helps the school identify who to include in the gifted classes.

We got the results and my little girl did the best in the school, and is 99th percentile nationwide. I was very proud of her and posted a 'proud mommy moment' status on FB so my family and friends in the UK would know the good news - can't phone the UK and I was happy. I noticed none of my local friends from the school 'liked' my status, even though they like all the other stuff especially negative things about the kids getting upto naughtiness.

Then, at the school, they all seem to be blanking me. Or at least, they change the topic around me and certainly none of them are talking about the test or the gifted program like they did before the results came back. Yet I know their kids will likely all be in it too - and can't see why I should be excluded as though I did something wrong - I haven't mentioned Rose's score to any of them personally, so only the ones on facebook would even have known.

Am I being unreasonable to find it hurtful that not one of them said 'congrats' or something? It isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but before I was one of the crowd, and now it all seems a bit uncomfortable... also, I always take time to 'like' any of their kids achievements as it is natural for a parent to be proud of their kids achievements, right? Jimmy made the football team? Awesome news! Jasmine won a spelling bee? We all know she gets her smarts from her mom!

So why won't they reciprocate?

Congrats on your daughter, are you sure it was just the FB status though that irked the other parents, because I actually find the statement below highly offensive, so if you've been leaking attitudes like this I'm not suprised people are avoiding you!

since a high proportion of the catchment area are affluent middle class intellectual parents, a high proportion of the kids are earmarked as gifted

What has a kids social class got to do with it's IQ ?

Cramming and hothousing doesn't make a child more intelligent, just means it knows more things by rote. That's not intelligence. Intelligence is hard wired not learned.

they may be a bit jealous or they may not care. But frankly they would probably have been much happier to congratulate you had you not gone on fb to blow your trumpet about it. Things like this are best kept to one's self and celebrated quietly. Think about it: it does no one any good to publicize it. Other parents will resent you because of what it implies about their own children (rightly or wrongly), other less "gifted" children will be made to feel insecure and your child could easily become big-headed. If you're really honest with yourself, the reason for publicizing it on facebook wasn't really about telling your family in the UK (not sure what you mean about not being able to call home but I can't believe you rely on a homing pigeon to let them know) it's about letting other parents know, oh so subtley. Its not a crime, people shouldn't hate you for it, but its a bit smug and self-centred. And it shouldn't come as a total bolt out of the blue that its got a few people's backs up.

This kind of news is what the email function on FB is for. Put it up as a status and a lot of 'friends' will think you're boasting or being smug.

In future, send such news to your family individually or as a group message, and they'll be happy for you.

Oh come on don'tgocurly you cant really believe that?! For a start it is incredibly difficult to measure actual intelligence without environmental factors having an impact. They are pretty unreliable as people come from different starting points. A child from an affluent background will almost certainly perform better because of a whole host of factors. Eg in general better schools, parents with more time, in some cases parents place a higher value on education and therefore encourage more studying etc. This leads to a better performance in these types of test.
There is all kinds of evidence to show that children from these backgrounds tend to perform better in school. Also, whilst this link is a vast generalisation: smart parents = more money = passing on "smart genes" to their children so in general kids from rich pArents are more likely to be clever.

Op sorry; I think it could have been the way you presented it as in general if someone told me some good news I would say congrats that's great etc etc etc - even if I felt a bit jealous inside!! But if someone got my back up about it I might be a bit more sour grapes about it as I would feel they were bragging rather than genuine happiness? You see?

Maybe the other parents are just as proud of their kids and that's why they've not commented? If a kid who usually gets about 25% got 75% their parent would be over the moon and as proud as you are. Maybe some are wondering why you haven't congratulated their kids!!

OP don't worry about getting called smug ect I was much worse than you when mine were little, I once actually refused to let my DD1 go in a bonniest baby competion as she would of clearly outshone the other little lasses and I didn't want to be unfair to the other Mams.

I wondered at the time why the vicars wife gave me a funny look when I said it!

Personally I would not have posted on facebook (but that is because I hate it anyway). I know I would only tell close friends and family. It is hard to get the right balance but I do think there are quite a lot of competitive parents who would be jealous.

However, depending on how old she is the test is not necessarily indicative that she is a genius or that she will always be brighter than everyone - people develop at different rates and at different times. Although I would be proud I would not necessarily get carried away by it. It is after all just a test.

Sorry I was traveling so offline. I guess I didn't explain too well that everything school wise is talked over in the park after school, especially achievements and they were discussing this test for months because it was so long before the results. I know they are still discussing it so feel left out when they change the subject. Ah well, maybe when I get back they'll allow me the privilege of rejoining their cliche. Bleurgh.

Well done to your daughter. You are right to celebrate her natural gift of intelligence. Other parents are just jealous if they are now treating you differently for being proud of your child.

If their child did fabulously well at sport and was chosen for a national team one would expect others to say well done to that child, and the parent would probably anticipate congrats.

Why do people treat intelligence different from any other natural gift and act all jealous and negative if a child has it? They are barmy if you ask me.

If it wasn't for fantastically gifted intelligent people then our society would be nowhere where it is now and we would still be living in caves. The intelligent people move society forward eg Newton, Einstein. The rest just keep it ticking along.

YANBU