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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lack of respect and punishment

69 replies

knittedbreast · 12/05/2011 11:15

This is following on from another thread but the details and situation is different so hence the new thread.

i know lots of you argue that boundaries and consistancy are the way to get good behaviour from children but what if you have been trying and nothing changes?

my son is 5 and has no respect for me at all. if i tell him off he dousnt even apologise, he ignores me, if i ask why he did something he dousnt look at me or even bother to reply and then smirks at me. he pulls faces behind my back.

i just dont know what to do anymore its getting to the stage where i really dont like him very much. of course i love him and he wonderful but his personality is very hard to like at the moment.

I dont hit him, ive smacked him maybe twice but that was to save him from putting his hand in the flame on the oven.

what do you do to install respect? it breaks my heart he thinks so little of me.

im not sure what ive done wrong but i just want to hand him over and run away for a week!

any ideas?

Thank you

OP posts:
MangoTango · 12/05/2011 11:21

I read a book called Divas and Dictators by Charlie Taylor when I was struggling with my dd2's behaviour. Fantastic book. Easy to follow. Real emphasis on being positive and it really worked. He runs a school for children who have been excluded from other schools and he turns around their behaviour, so he really knows his stuff. Plus he is a parent himself which helps.

Hullygully · 12/05/2011 11:22

What do you mean by "respect"?

Do you mean treating each other with manners and consideration or him doing as you tell him when you tell him?

aldiwhore · 12/05/2011 11:30

Positivity and treating the child with respect were two things that worked for me.

Re: the smirking, annoying isn't it? However I do remember that I couldn't tell the truth without looking like I was lying, neither could I be serious when I needed to be, I FELT serious but my face smirked... ignore it!

Positive regard is key. I took a long look at myself when my eldest's teachers said he was an absolute delight, I thought they'd got children mixed up! I tried to employ some of their methods, and tried to speak calmly and positively more than I snapped... I was suprised how much I was snappy at my kids.

Also I wouldn't complicate things too much with 'whys' - sometimes you don't know why you've done something, at 5, yes they need to start understand why, but keep it simple, wait until the 'telling off' is over and then chat (calmly) about why we do the things we do.

My child is not a different child these days, I am a different parent and he's simply responded. Getting it right takes time.

Original poster
knittedbreast · 12/05/2011 11:31

to have enough respect to actually bother to look at me when we are talking, to respond when i ask him to and to have enough consideration to say sorry.

ive tried the positive stuff, i do it all the time. but when i call him he ignores me, i call again still ignores me. i ask him to come down and get his shoes on from school he might say eventually no mummy i want to finish building my robot or something. refuses to come down. i go up please come down etc refuses, wont look at me, wont speak to me. then pretends to cry, i hold his head to cheack if hes really crying he starts smirking and throws himself on the floor and so it goes on. i carry him down stairs he gives me filthy looks and pulls his tongue out, i say thats not nice what do you say now. he remains quite, i ask him to apologise and he says sorry (like he dousnt mean it)

nothing good has come of this exchange.

i want to give up but i have another 15 years of this at least, it needs to change

OP posts:
Lucyinthepie · 12/05/2011 11:46

What are the consequences for him when he behaves badly, then ignores you asking him not to?

Original poster
knittedbreast · 12/05/2011 11:50

time out take away a toy or saying that he wont be able to do something hes been looking forward too.

smaller punishments might be no tv, or pudding or maybe bed early.

nothing works :(

OP posts:
Hullygully · 12/05/2011 11:56

It osunds to me like you don't have much of a relationship together. I don't mean that you don't love each other, just that your day to day interactions have become a bit detached and possibly grim. Punishments don't work, imo, it is better to improve the relationship so that the child wants to please you, is able and happy to express themselves to you.

Do you laugh together? For eg when my dc were little I would run up the stairs and say, goodness, quick quick shoes you silly old thing and then pretned chase and tickle down the stairs and shoes on. Plus empathise: yes, I know you want to finish that, isn't it annoying when we have to wait etc etc, so that they know you are on their side and understand.

You need to be on the same side.

Hullygully · 12/05/2011 11:59
Original poster
knittedbreast · 12/05/2011 12:01

thats the thing hully, normally we are like that. there are so many cudldes he helps me cook, wash up plant things. hes forver saying how much he loves me, how im his best friend etc... its just when i ask him to do soemthing he dousnt want to.

even school are saying that he seems to have a n attitude problem when it comes to doing things he dosunt want to.

he a joy when its something he wants to do, he can be so tubborn.

when i ask him to read to me if he dousnt want to he goes into melt down and refuses or acts like a baby.

ive had enough

OP posts:
Original poster
knittedbreast · 12/05/2011 12:01

showy?

OP posts:
Hullygully · 12/05/2011 12:05

ShowofHands -she's v good at this sort of thing!

TheVisitor · 12/05/2011 12:05

Sounds like you're giving him too much leeway here. If you shout for him to come down and put his shoes on and he doesn't reply, don't wait for an answer, go up and tell him. If he still doesn't respond, then take away whatever he's playing with. If he starts crying or pretending to cry, well, that's just tough on him, he should have done as he asked. Don't interact with this behaviour as he's getting exactly what he wants. Do interact with him when he does exhibit desirable behaviour and tell how amazing he is.

valiumredhead · 12/05/2011 12:08

Yet again I find myself agreeing with TheVisitor

If he ignores you, demand he looks at you and if he continues to ignore you tell him his pocket money/telly/whatever will be stopped.

If you insist on good manners the respect sort of just follows imo.

Kittytickle · 12/05/2011 12:11

I know they are annoying, Knittedbreast.

Your son sounds quite good really. I know he does'nt want to come down when called, but if you ignore the filthy looks and tongue pulling (non-issues, even if annoying, just attention seeking), you are at least able to carry him down without a physical battle. Also, he doesn't just shout "no" at you. He's explained and used your "name", so it sounds as if you are doing well and he is quite civilised really. I know it isn't ideal, but ifyou are calling and calling and eventually have to come and get him, make it part of routine, so you can call up, "DS, we are leaving in five minutes, so get ready and finish playing and I will come and get you, there's a good lad".

We are going through a rough time with our eight year old, who can sometimes get physical, so you have my sympathies.

Original poster
knittedbreast · 12/05/2011 12:11

yep valium thats what i do. he replies "fine, i dont want to watch telly/watever anyway"

then where do i go?

aaarrrggghh

OP posts:
TheSmallClanger · 12/05/2011 12:11

TheVisitor gives good advice. You also need to pick your battles carefully. Refusing to come downstairs and put shoes on obviously needs action, but the whole smirking/not looking at you thing is minor. Ignore it for now.

My DD is 13 and my mother thinks I should be coming down harder on the face-pulling, muttering and sighing that accompanies her every move some days. My take on it is the same as Visitor's - she wants me to engage with her mardiness, and ignoring it takes away its power.

TheVisitor · 12/05/2011 12:15

Knitted, he does really want to, he just doesn't want you to know that he's bothered. I think you need to set clear, consistent boundaries and it might be worth sitting down with him and creating 'house rules' supernanny styley with him. Create a star chart for things like getting shoes on, brushing teeth etc so you gain an environment of positive attention. If he pulls tongues or gives filthy looks, reward that by not giving your attention at all. Consistency on this is the absolute key though as he'll be aware of actions=consequences.

Kitty - I would say exactly the same to you with your 8 year old.

valiumredhead · 12/05/2011 12:15

OP then you continue with seeing through your punishment who cares what cheeky little toe rag says?

And you KEEP seeing it through and he will get the message!

Original poster
knittedbreast · 12/05/2011 12:16

kitty, i know he can be good. but hes starting to act this way at school adn they are asking me to sort it out at home. they even said he wouldnt be able to go on his spring walk if he didnt start doing as he was told. he was ill the day before so we never got to know if his behaviour improved.

i dont mind him being stubborn or whatever but he needs to do as hes told when its important, school or when mummy calls him.

he called his grandad a loser the other day, and pushed his friend at school because he took the piss out of my son.

also latly, dousnt want to do his reading at night, i encourage his leanring because he really wants to be an astronaught, i explain you need to read to go to space. latly wheni try that one he says he dousnt want to be a spaceman anymore.

that ends any discussion, he just dousnt want the positive outcomes so i have no leeway.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 12/05/2011 12:17

My DD is 13 and my mother thinks I should be coming down harder on the face-pulling, muttering and sighing that accompanies her every move some days. My take on it is the same as Visitor's - she wants me to engage with her mardiness, and ignoring it takes away its power

I completely agree. My mum used to pull me up on every tiny little thing and it used to escalate into huge arguments. I am very careful to pick my battles with my ds.

Original poster
knittedbreast · 12/05/2011 12:17

he just seems so emotionally intelligent, i feel like he must know what he doing and that it upsets me, why would he want to do that to me?

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 12/05/2011 12:18

he called his grandad a loser the other day, and pushed his friend at school because he took the piss out of my son

And how was he punished?

valiumredhead · 12/05/2011 12:19

He's not doing it TO you, he's doing it because he CAN and he's not being stopped!

Hullygully · 12/05/2011 12:19

He's not doing it "to" you, he just has very strong feelings about what he wants to do!

TheVisitor · 12/05/2011 12:21

If it's causing problems at school, then you need to work together with them. Once you've got your boundaries going at home, let school know what you're doing so they can do the same thing. As for the reading, read to him instead of forcing him to read - that'll come naturally as he gets older, he'll recognise words and point them out to you. My younger children didn't read until they were nearly 7 and are now well up there with their peers at age 12.