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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try an ""Manage" my DDs friendships at school?

67 replies

MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 09:18

She is in a small school and gets on well with lots of kids...she's 6. She seems to have new best friends almost every term...which I suspect is very normal, she is able to adapt if her current "best friend" is off sick and her report described her as popular and kind.

Her latest bestie is a child with many problems...she has various specail ecucational needs and is also struggling with behaviour.

We have invited her for tea twice and she was fine here....but I don't want my DD going there for tea as the childs Mum is a foster parent and is disabled....she can't move quickly and the house is a sprawling 3 storey one... and one of her charges is a very emotionally disturbed boy of 14....I have been over when they have had parties.....the Mum seems to be not careful enough as far as I am concerned and I know my DD would be exposed to the boy which does not sit well with me....

the Mum has asked me if DD can go over a couple of times and I suppose the answer would be for me to go there too....but I cannot, I work from home and cannot drive...I dont want to schlep 4 miles with my toddler in tow just so DD can attend a playdate....with a child who as far as I can see seems to be affecting my DDs behaviour.

Since they've been friends DD has taken to talking in a baby voice and also having massive tantrums where she has lashed out at her sister...not like her at all....the speech is an imitation of her friends....and I just feel like I want DD to vary her friendships.....get the influence of some of the others too...I dont want her to dump her mate at all...but it's worrying me a bit....what shall I do? Just keep putting it off? The Mum has looked a me a bit hmm lately when I make an excuse...and now she's gone a bit cold too...as it's a small school I want to be on good terms but I dont see why I should have to let DD socialise somewhere I am not comfortable about.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 12/05/2011 09:20

Just say that the distance with you not being able to drive makes it impossible.

scurryfunge · 12/05/2011 09:21

If Social Services deem her to be a good enough parent capable of looking after children, then why can't you?

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 09:24

Well scurry I don't suppose SS are always right are they? And my child is not in the care of SS ...so her safety is my responsibility.

OP posts:
wordfactory · 12/05/2011 09:24

Ah scurry it's not that simple...and I say this as a foster parent myself.

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 09:26

Thank you wordfactory....she has fostered for many years....and is probably well trusted...but her health is not good at all....and I suspect she is now left to it and is a reliable carer....it seems odd to me though that smeone with such issues is allowed to foster. She can barely walk and has no partner to support her.

OP posts:
Doodlez · 12/05/2011 09:27

I'd say that DD isn't allowed play-dates at the moment - not until her behaviour improves!

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 09:28

I did say that Doodlez...but why should I lie? I realised later that if DD wants anoter child to come over, then I will look bad....and she is still being cold to me.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 12/05/2011 09:29

I felt the post was very judgemental, that's all. The comment about not going over there because the child's mum is a foster carer and disabled is insulting.

Don't send her if it is a big problem for you.

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 09:34

I'ts not because she's a foster parent Scurry! I never said that...I said it was because one charge is a 14 year old boy with many emotional problems....and the parent is not very mobile....and the house enormous....you know you are picking out bits of my post and ignoring the circumstances.

OP posts:
pingu2209 · 12/05/2011 09:36

Most people want to be liked by everyone, but for the sake of your daughter it may be that you need to stand firm and accept that you may piss off the foster mum. If you truely believe your daughter could be at risk, however small, you may need to politely make excuse after excuse until the woman stops asking and thinks badly of you.

As your daughters behaviour has altered, I would speak to the school. They can 'engineer' friendships by sitting your daughter with other children. Doing projects with other children.

You can tell the school your honest reasons. They are not allowed to tell anyone.

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 12/05/2011 09:38

YANBU. Your instinct is to protect your child. I would do the same in your situation.

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 09:39

Yes....I may just have a word to see if she's mixing with others..I would never want her to not be friends with someone she liked....but it is important as she is the type of kid who will get into comfort zones and not challenge herself if she's left to it.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 12/05/2011 09:39

how long would the playdate be for??

your dd isnt going to get lost in this 'sprawling' house is she? she's able to move about freely and will know not to run around/mess on stairs etc....why are you worried about a big house? i would imagine she will be at the side of her friend all the time,playing!

aldiwhore · 12/05/2011 09:39

I'd keep making polite excuses to the mum, she'll soon stop asking... it is a little sad when you have to do this but I have done it in the past. I'd never tell my eldest who to have as friends, but if I don't like the child/parent for whatever reason I don't support it. I am probably mean and unreasonable.

If my son keeps going on about a certain 'unliked my be' child over the course of many weeks, then I do invite the child over for tea.

scurryfunge · 12/05/2011 09:40

I cannot help feeling uncomfortable about what you have you have written.

You asked a question.

If you want people to agree with you then ok - yes, people are incapable of taking on a parenting role if they have disabilities.Keep your child away from them.Hmm

Technoprisoners · 12/05/2011 09:40

Your child's welfare and safety is, quite rightly, of paramount importance to you. If if would make you feel uneasy her being at her friend's, for whatever reason, then don't send her. There are plenty of kind excuses you can make for her not going there - the hassle with travel/having a toddler also at home/not wanting to put the foster parent out by having to pick-up/collect your dd etc and then suggest you're happy for playdates at yours only. You could restrict that a bit further if necessary by saying that you only have one slot available a week, say, and that dd likes to invite other people as well, so there is only so much time available.

Feel for you, it's a tricky one. If all else fails, you might just have to say "no" and be done with it.

Technoprisoners · 12/05/2011 09:42

I don't think she's saying that though, Scurry. To me it seems she's worried she might be putting extra strain on the foster parent, and also concerned about the teenage boy ...

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 09:45

I dont know why you seem to be taking his personally Scurry..my own sister is disabled and has children...why would I judge???

I do think that in this case, the parent seems over stretched already and would not be able to keep my chld safe.

OP posts:
lukewarmmama · 12/05/2011 09:45

Can't you tell her the truth?

Say you're a little uncomfortable about her mixing with boy? If his issues are as bad/unpredictable as you think, then the foster parent will probably understand completely. If not, then she can put you straight. And then she doesn't think it is because of her/her set up etc etc, so she won't take it personally and be Hmm at you.

purplepidjin · 12/05/2011 09:46

She's obviously the kind of person to jump through many many hoops in order to help children with emotional and behavioural problems. Are you also that kind of person?

Why don't you try being honest with her about your fears for your daughter and the older child. With her many years of experience she'll most likely be able to suggest how you can improve your dd's behaviour Hmm

scurryfunge · 12/05/2011 09:47

OK, I am clearly wrong.

As you were.

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 09:48

Well purple I can't be can I? I don't see why I should open up to someone who is not close to me about my childs behaviour....it's nothiing to do with her is it?

She can jump through as many hoops as she likes...but I choose not to....it's my child and surely my choices are valid too?

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 12/05/2011 09:49

I think the whole foster carer disabled argument is irrelevant tbh. It's too bloody far and you can't manage it!!

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 09:50

lukewarmmama.....sh could "set me straght" but that would involve me trusting her jdgement over my own.

OP posts:
mumonahottinroof · 12/05/2011 09:50

Say

a) Driving is an issue.

And then if you're really brave b) Plus you do worry it would be too much for her, given all that's on her plate already. Couldn't friend come to play at your house. At this age, it's daft to manage children's friendships, as you have said yourself it will all be different in a few weeks anyway.

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