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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To try an ""Manage" my DDs friendships at school?

67 replies

MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 09:18

She is in a small school and gets on well with lots of kids...she's 6. She seems to have new best friends almost every term...which I suspect is very normal, she is able to adapt if her current "best friend" is off sick and her report described her as popular and kind.

Her latest bestie is a child with many problems...she has various specail ecucational needs and is also struggling with behaviour.

We have invited her for tea twice and she was fine here....but I don't want my DD going there for tea as the childs Mum is a foster parent and is disabled....she can't move quickly and the house is a sprawling 3 storey one... and one of her charges is a very emotionally disturbed boy of 14....I have been over when they have had parties.....the Mum seems to be not careful enough as far as I am concerned and I know my DD would be exposed to the boy which does not sit well with me....

the Mum has asked me if DD can go over a couple of times and I suppose the answer would be for me to go there too....but I cannot, I work from home and cannot drive...I dont want to schlep 4 miles with my toddler in tow just so DD can attend a playdate....with a child who as far as I can see seems to be affecting my DDs behaviour.

Since they've been friends DD has taken to talking in a baby voice and also having massive tantrums where she has lashed out at her sister...not like her at all....the speech is an imitation of her friends....and I just feel like I want DD to vary her friendships.....get the influence of some of the others too...I dont want her to dump her mate at all...but it's worrying me a bit....what shall I do? Just keep putting it off? The Mum has looked a me a bit hmm lately when I make an excuse...and now she's gone a bit cold too...as it's a small school I want to be on good terms but I dont see why I should have to let DD socialise somewhere I am not comfortable about.

OP posts:

Original poster

MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 12:36

If I did not like the child I would hardly have invited her over for tea twice now would I??

Some of you are just looking for evil intent behind my thoughts.

OP posts:

purplepidjin · 12/05/2011 16:47

MRD, this is the Am I Being Unreasonable, and I think YABU to judge this woman's parenting skills.

I think you are allowing her disability to colour your judgement of her as a parent.

My opinion is that you should concentrate on parenting your own child and leave her to parent hers - and those she has willingly taken on because their own families can't cope.

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, and people who think they are entirely reasonable shouldn't post in AIBU thereby offering the opportunity for others to disagree.

purplepidjin · 12/05/2011 16:48

Oh yeah, and what Supermoo said minus the autocorrect

Original poster

MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 16:58

Purplepijin I know what section I'm in thanks.

I'm not in a glass house....but either way, I AM leaving her to parent....it's not like I've reported her to SS or anything.

I m not judging her in terms of any of HER kids...but in terms of Mine and I have the right to do that and would be a shit parent if I didn't.

OP posts:

ImeldaM · 12/05/2011 16:59

Agree with blindmelon further up thread

Would also add that, if it was me, my childs safety is more important than other peoples hurt feelings, being pc. I wouldn't have my DS play at someones house if I think they will not be supervised appropriately.

PeachyAndTheArghoNauts · 12/05/2011 17:07

Course you do Mumbling

As I ahyve the right to say I get teh impression the disability / ies are colouring your judgement and I would lay money that if it had been next door, a small house and easy to get to that you would still say no. Even if said 14 year old were out of the house.

And as this is AIBU I am entitled to say that also.

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2011 17:13

i agree peachy!!

purplepidjin · 12/05/2011 17:19

"Mum is a foster parent and is disabled....she can't move quickly and the house is a sprawling 3 storey one... and one of her charges is a very emotionally disturbed boy of 14....I have been over when they have had parties.....the Mum seems to be not careful enough as far as I am concerned"

This is judging her parenting as not good enough to keep your child in her house.

"DD has taken to talking in a baby voice and also having massive tantrums where she has lashed out at her sister..."

This is your daughter displaying undesirable behaviour, which you appear to be blaming her new friend for.

YANBU for wanting to protect your daughter. However, YABU for both assuming that another mother is incapable due to her disability, and for blaming that family for your own daughter's behaviour.

Tryharder · 12/05/2011 17:36

Are you scared that the lad with emotional problems will attack your DD. The poor lad has got a real bashing on here and yet noone has said exactly what is meant by emotional problems. Is he a rapist/psychopath/axe-wielding murderer??

This is about snobbery. She's a single parent, disabled with a SN kid and there is a looked-after child in the household. You don't want your DD being friends with these sorts of people. Your choice, obviously but please do not insult us by pretending that it's for your DD's good, concerns about her safety etc etc.

hairfullofsnakes · 12/05/2011 17:50

I really dont understand why scurry is giving you such a hard time either - as a mum you must trust your instincts and I would
Not feel comfortable with the boy or some of the other things you spoke about - I don't see why you should be called
Judgmental or anything like that. Stand your ground but find good 'excuses' - sometimes you have to play the game

Goblinchild · 12/05/2011 17:59

I don't think you are up to coping with the friendship TBH, and it seems as if the other mother is coming to realise that too.

'The Mum has looked a me a bit hmm lately when I make an excuse...and now she's gone a bit cold too'

They can still be friends in school and there's not much you can do about that without people thinking of you as unkind and intolerant of a child with additional needs, and that judgement seems like something you are trying to avoid.
Your daughter's behaviour and mannerisms are something you can focus on, and her unwillingness to step outside her comfort zones. But you don't like stepping outside yours, so possibly it will be a challenge for both of you.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 12/05/2011 18:04

OP, YABU if you want to end the friendship between your DD and this girl with SN, dealing with others who have problems is good for your DD's emotional development and will help her to learn that everyone is OK, even if they are a bit different.
but YANBU for not wanting to send your DD to a house which you dont know, with a parent who already has a lot to cope with. The boy who has problems may or may not be a bad influence, and the disabled parent may or may not be able to cope with it, but if you dont feel comfortable with the situation then dont do it.
Re ways to deal with it - explain the problems with distance and transport and leave it at that.

MichaelaS · 12/05/2011 18:08

My goodness, what a flaming. When someone disabled is involved why does it always have to be about the disability!? isn't this just as much discrimination as anything else?

OP I wouldn't let my 6yo DD (if i had one) go on her own. If I couldn't go along too (best option IMHO) because of distance I wouldn't let her go at all.

Another vote here for the honest approach - I'd say to her that you're really sorry but you're concerned about her older boy and the fact that the two girls are likely to run about the house and you think it would be difficult for her to supervise them. Be clear you're not judging her parenting skills - she's unlikely to be approved as a foster carer without good parenting skills. But in the end you're worried about what might happen (what, specifically?) and you would prefer if her daugher came to your house (and she is welcome to come too).

Maybe she'll say she has CCTV in every room and the boy is going away for the evening (!!!) and you'll be happy to let your DD go over? At least give her the chance to reassure you. If she is offended by your honesty well, she is already offended by the implication that you're being stand offish. I think its best to explain why.

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2011 18:08

i wonder if the 14 year old was a girl instead,if it would still be a problem

Goblinchild · 12/05/2011 18:41

I don't see the point in not being honest and telling the other mother exactly what the problem is. Apart from the fact that the OP doesn't seem clear herself.
Is it the playdate, or the possible presence of the boy, or the size of the house and supervision issues or her daughter's immature behaviour, or the other parent's ability to supervise properly or her daughter not challenging herself to extend her friendships or what?
If the OP had stuck to the concerns about her 6 year old in a house with a 14 year old with behavioural issues, then she might have had a clearer and more supportive response.

JamieAgain · 12/05/2011 18:42

I don't understand why the OP is getting a hard time. She doubts the safety of her child in the house. She has been there, we haven't

Goblinchild · 12/05/2011 18:46

That bit I could sympathise with, and I would have suggested that she talk to the other parent and explain her concerns.
When my DD had friends over, my son would go and stay elsewhere because he found a houseful of strangers very tricky and although I can handle him in a meltdown the furniture and doors may not do as well, and DD's friends would probably panic. Much fairer to keep the two discrete.

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