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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try an ""Manage" my DDs friendships at school?

67 replies

MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 09:18

She is in a small school and gets on well with lots of kids...she's 6. She seems to have new best friends almost every term...which I suspect is very normal, she is able to adapt if her current "best friend" is off sick and her report described her as popular and kind.

Her latest bestie is a child with many problems...she has various specail ecucational needs and is also struggling with behaviour.

We have invited her for tea twice and she was fine here....but I don't want my DD going there for tea as the childs Mum is a foster parent and is disabled....she can't move quickly and the house is a sprawling 3 storey one... and one of her charges is a very emotionally disturbed boy of 14....I have been over when they have had parties.....the Mum seems to be not careful enough as far as I am concerned and I know my DD would be exposed to the boy which does not sit well with me....

the Mum has asked me if DD can go over a couple of times and I suppose the answer would be for me to go there too....but I cannot, I work from home and cannot drive...I dont want to schlep 4 miles with my toddler in tow just so DD can attend a playdate....with a child who as far as I can see seems to be affecting my DDs behaviour.

Since they've been friends DD has taken to talking in a baby voice and also having massive tantrums where she has lashed out at her sister...not like her at all....the speech is an imitation of her friends....and I just feel like I want DD to vary her friendships.....get the influence of some of the others too...I dont want her to dump her mate at all...but it's worrying me a bit....what shall I do? Just keep putting it off? The Mum has looked a me a bit hmm lately when I make an excuse...and now she's gone a bit cold too...as it's a small school I want to be on good terms but I dont see why I should have to let DD socialise somewhere I am not comfortable about.

OP posts:
NoelEdmondshair · 12/05/2011 09:51

YANBU.

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 09:52

Good point Curry....its annoying me rather. They're all so young anyway....I dont really like this "playdate" culture....sending small kids off to virtual strangers homes...it seems odd really.

DD has been to some kids houses...but I think there's plenty of time yet for all that and at this age, I think they belong at home or in the homes of close friends and relatives.

OP posts:
pingu2209 · 12/05/2011 09:59

Reading this thread, it is like the pc bridgade have come out in force.

There is no way I would let my child go to a house where there is another child - boy / girl, teenage or younger - who is fostered and has emotional/behavioural issues. Let alone a house that is large and rambling and the adult is not physically able to ensure the safety of my child.

In my view, the fact the mother is disabled is a red herring, it is the fact there is a child with behavioural problems due to an unknown, but likely to be very sad, background, mixing with the OPs child.

It is very sad and dreadful that there are many children out there who need the kindness of foster parents, well done those people who are prepared to take on such children. Foster parents accept that the children they take on may well have serious behavioural issues and may lash out or do/say anything to their own children.

But that does not mean the friends of the foster parents children have accepted that fact and need to be exposed to such behaviour - or risk. It may not be politically correct or charitable or a christian attitude, but that is the reality of life.

To be frank OP I would tell her the reason you feel uncomfortable with your dd going.

Supermoo · 12/05/2011 10:00

Tbh, this adds like you don't like dd copying her friend's bratty/naughty behaviours so you would prefer them not to play together and are trying to validate this intolerant,unreasonable,mean feeling by finding problems.

Seriously, if you are entirely confident that you can't trust your dd's safety to this woman Diego her enormous house, disabilities, remote location, dodgy teenager, SEN daughter etc etc, just say no when asked to play. If you're that sure your reasons are good ones you don't need validation.

If however you are self-justifying because you don't like to think of yourself as being mean, yabu.

Supermoo · 12/05/2011 10:01

Ahem, reads not adds. Bloody iPad.

lukewarmmama · 12/05/2011 10:02

MumblingRagDoll - I didn't mean you needed setting straight! Although I can understand why you're on the defensive given some of the posts here.

I meant, maybe she would understand and arrange a time when the boy wouldn't be there. Or reassure you that the girls would only play in sight of her. Etc.

I think honesty really is the best policy here.

Supermoo · 12/05/2011 10:02

And I assume the woman is not called Diego - wtf autocorrect?!

Supermoo · 12/05/2011 10:04

Do you actually know anything about they boy? Do you have any reason to think that he poses a threat to your dd in any way? Have you asked?

CurrySpice · 12/05/2011 10:09

Why pingu? Why say that and cause bad feeling and problems?

The actual reason is, it's 4 miles away, OP doesn't drive. She would have to drag her other DC on a bus all the way there, hand around with a toddler, and then go back the same way. Plus the OP is working. It's just not practical.

All the other stuff is irrelevant imho (although makes a more contentious thread!)

blindmelon · 12/05/2011 10:15

YANBU to not want DD to go to a house that you don't feel comfortable about.

However, YABU if you are trying to stop DD being friends with this girl. It sounds like the girl might be the type who has difficulty making friends, so your DD might be really good for her - and it might do your daughter some good to be exposed to people who are 'different', eg SEN, disabled mum.

Why not tell the mum that it is tricky for your DD to come to her house as you don't drive, but that her DD is welcome to come to your house again? After all you said she was well behaved when she came last time. Perhaps even invite the mum to come too?

It must be really hard for her being disabled and fostering challenging kids. She probably thinks you don't want your DD to be friends with her foster daughter because of the SEN, which is really sad.

But obviously you should talk to your DD about the bad behaviour, tantrums etc and tell her it is not on.

coccyx · 12/05/2011 10:16

Op does sems a bit judgey about the disabled mother and 'different' boy.
Couldn't she come to your house again. Say it is easier for you. Children at that age chop and change best friends don't they.

Flyonthewindscreen · 12/05/2011 11:22

I would just explain the practical problems re your DD going there (which are real and valid). As long as you invite her DD over from time to time while they are still besties I don't see how the other mother can take offence.

pigletmania · 12/05/2011 11:35

It's not the issue regarding the play date that's the problem, it's how you view her friend that's Sad. That she 'affects' yor child because of her SN. By keeping her away from this child if she wants to be friends with her, how is that teaching her to accept different people in society and to be tolerant. My dd aged 4 has possible ASD and her main problem is her social communication and speech and Lang delay, I would be heartbroken if her bf mum said that she could not be friends with dd, dd would wonder where her friend had gone.

chicletteeth · 12/05/2011 11:40

Is there any way you could tell her of your concerns about the 14 year olds behaviour. What is it that he does that bothers you?

Aside from all that, how would you collect her, even if the FM picked them both up from school?

MarioandLuigi · 12/05/2011 11:41

I agree with everything Pigletmania says. You decided you dont like this girl so now you seem to be coming up with other problems.

Seems your own DD is more tolerant than you.

pigletmania · 12/05/2011 11:43

Mabey it's an opportunity to sit down with your dd and talk about disability and how it affects people in different ways, physical, people behave etc instead of banning her from seeing this Girl, yes encourage her also to vary friendships so she gets to know different children. With regards to the play date don't send her if you are not happy about the environment

chicletteeth · 12/05/2011 11:44

Where had she decided that she doesn't like this girl?

My son copies ones of his friends baby voice and another friends horrific manic laugh and I just him to stop it.

I don't dislike the kids he copies because of it.

chicletteeth · 12/05/2011 11:45

And regardless, why should she put her child into an environment she's not comfortable with so as not offend?

WTF!

CurrySpice · 12/05/2011 11:46

chicletteeth - I am so with you on the baby voice. It drives me fucking MENTAL Angry

speakercorner · 12/05/2011 11:46

Totally agree with Pingu, and there is no way that I would be sending my DD to a house with a 14-year-old boy with emotional problems. If you are uneasy, then obviously go with your own instincts. Personally I think I would be upfront about the reason (easy to say when I am not in the situation though!). I would say that DD is uneasy around older boys and you don't drive so collecting is an issue - but that you are very happy to have the friend at yours. But don't apologise or overexplain - you actually don't need to.

pigletmania · 12/05/2011 11:48

If you read the op properly you will find it

chicletteeth · 12/05/2011 11:50

I have read it properly.
Where does it say she doesn't like this girl?

chicletteeth · 12/05/2011 11:51

And not, what you infer means she doesn't like the girl.

wannaBe · 12/05/2011 11:55

are you daftpunk? because you write just like her. Hmm

chicletteeth · 12/05/2011 12:12

Who me? Who the heck is daftpunk?

And why would daftpunk namechange (which if you're talking to me she hasn't because I'm not daftpunk) to respond to a thread about managing friends Hmm